What’s the greatest thing about white males? Is it how dominant we are? How everything except for peanut butter and the film Juno were invented by us? Really, white males are the undisputed champions of people. Yeah we die a lot and we’re kind of pricks. Remember though, God is a white male. It’s only natural that we are so incredibly awesome.

(This is what it looks like to me any time a group of white men are together. Except for maybe Dean Cain. He looks kind of Spanish here)

For some of you, this opening paragraph may have offended. Here are the people I think it may have offended most. First and foremost, women. Women are pretty easy to offend. All you have to do is make them feel less superior. A simple way to do that is quoting any textbook before 1965. Secondly, non-white people. Non-white people are offended by things because they aren’t always identified by a color or a made up word like Caucasian. At least calling someone African or Asian lets you know where they’re from. There’s not place called Caucasia. If it did exist that would be quite a paradise. A place with only white people? I’d probably have at least one home run record if I lived there. The only other group of people whom may have been offended were those that believe God isn’t a white guy. I mean come on. How ridiculous is that? He clearly is. Look at the Sistine Chapel. God clearly looks like a Frenchman.

 (“Oui Oui” – Ted 11:83. I can’t believe this image hangs on the top of a church)

I don’t like to offend people. Well, I do, but I don’t. I like to offend people to the point where their opinion sways. I hate to offend people and then get into an argument with them. I’m not a confrontational person. I hate having thick lips puttering in front of my face telling me I’m wrong. That’s why I usually keep my opinions to myself. Except on this blog. If I really don’t like you I can always block you or point out how lame you are for getting mad about something you read on the Internet.

I’m not a fan of people who are easily offended. I understand certain things should offend people. I can’t think of an example, but I’m sure it’s out there. And there’s a difference between being “offended” and actually hating someone’s actions. Someone doing something evil isn’t offensive, it’s just a bastard-move. So don’t say a murderer offends you. Say he’s someone who does bastard-moves and you’re quite displeased with it.

 (Amanda Knox, bastard-movist. No way this sweet face is guilty)

If you’re reading this, chances are not much offends you. I know my readers, they’re pretty tame on that scale. But I’m sure one lame ass is here. Possibly looking for pictures of tennis players or something else stupid. For you, easily offended douche, I want to help you get over your childish need to feel your heart sink whenever something hits a nerve. Here is a quick guide on how to stop being such a pussy.

Stop being important! That’s the first thing you need to do. Realize that your problems aren’t the most important ones in the world. Anyone who is easily offended is full of themselves. They think the issues they care about should be the most dominant ones in the hearts of the rest of us. And what makes an issue important to someone? It affects them. It’s simple, people only care about issues that involve them. You think I really care about gay marriage, affirmative action, or the music program at the local high school? I don’t. Not one bit. I’m never marrying a guy, have even less of a chance of being black, and if I ever join a high school musical class chances are I’m a gay black person already.

Things that offend people are always jokes. Nobody gets offended by a movie about a particular sensitive subject, but a joke about it will offend. Because not everyone takes their issue/problem as seriously as they do, they try to make the rest of us the bad guys. “You can’t make fun of that! That happened to me!” Shut your face. I never got being offended by something somebody else said. Why not fight back? It’s such a coward move to cringe and stick your chin up then say “That’s offensive.” Yes, and? Stop being a wimp before someone hits you in your high and mighty moral jaw.

(The way all easily offended people should turn out)

Now I doubt anyone reading this, whether it be true or not, thinks they are easily offended. Nobody would admit to that. That’s why the phrase “I love to laugh, but–” exists. Truth is, most people have horrible senses of humor. What makes a person have a bad sense of humor? Being offended by a joke ever. It’s one thing to feel uncomfortable or to acknowledge how much it stunk, but really be truly offended the same way you would feel if someone hurt you deeply is silly.

I guess my point through this whole “rant” was to hopefully get one person to read this and think “Hey, I am a big baby. I need to stop only caring about my own agenda and let other people do what they want.” I think I missed the mark though. It’s like I was playing darts in the bar and instead of hitting the board I put the dart into the nutsack of the bartender standing 10 feet behind me. Anyway, keep not being offended. Creative people usually aren’t. So if you’re offended easily, you’re not creative. Stop making shitty flute music and photography.

What offends you? The only thing that offends me are people who are oblivious to how much they suck. And don’t worry, I am aware of my suck factor.

  1. If you need to feel better by offending, then I’m simply not offended :).
    I know that males need to act like they’re superior, just because they need to comfort their inner child.
    I know that females need to act like males are just children so they don’t get offended by their offending remarks.
    The world is a strange place.

  2. The Caucus mountains in Russia is, I believe, the source of this word. I love how close you skate to the edge of the cliff. You are not afraid of offending people. I may have to start a new blog like that. Mine had to stay kid friendly. The ‘thick lips’ part might actually have gone over the cliff, but I am not here to tell you not to go to far. I will just say this… ‘spoken like a true white guy’. Each of us has to decide if that is a good thing or not. My Berkeley liberal upbringing tells me no, but I still laughed.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    In China, a racist term for us crackers is Gwailo, which apparantly is meant to be as offensive to us white people as the N word is to black people, it means “Ghost person”. Although nothing offends me I just found it funny, I remember some kid in China calling me a Gwailo then his mother battering the shit out of him in the supermarket. Funniest thing I had ever seen.

  4. Lily says:

    I feel like you’re getting these topics from things that we talk about, which makes me feel cool. But maybe you’re not.
    The only thing I can think of that offends me is when people say really blasphemous things. I mean, I think some of those pictures of Jesus that say “brb” can be kind of funny, but I just feel bad when people do it. And trust me, I want to laugh, I really do! But there’s just something in me that makes me think it’s not right. Not that I haven’t ever said anything blasphemous, but now I kind of know better. Idk what I’m talking about anymore.
    What if God is black? Didn’t they make a movie about that? And old movie. Not Bruce Almighty where Morgan Freeman is God.

    • If God is black then it means he can probably dance and looks great in a suit.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s partly inspired by our conversations, partly our conversations are me testing out future stuff, and other parts are me repeating myself so it becomes so ingrained in my head that I don’t even have to think twice about my opinions on a topic. A lot of work to be quick witted with such little results.

      Making fun of religion only bothers me when it’s people who get offended when you make fun of liberal things like gay marriage or women’s rights. Do they not see that these are both philosophies? If you get offended by anti-woman banter then surely you shouldn’t be spewing hate on someone else’s beliefs. College kids stink.

  5. It has to be said, there are some people who almost seem to go and look for things to be offended by.

    There have been some Christian groups sending thousands of complaint letters to the game company that made Mass Effect and Dragon Age. Their problem was that the player can choose to have homosexual relationships with one or two of the other characters in the games.


    • Mooselicker says:

      Why would you go out of your way to be bothered by something? How about you stick to playing games without drugs or other made up things. These are the same people who use the video games cause violence excuse. They don’t. PacMan would have raised fruit consumption if that was true.

  6. I can’t say at this point in my life that I get offended by too much. I will say that I’m very sensitive, like Lily, to things that are irreverent or blasphemous with regard to Jesus, God, etc. I think when something is a real part of your belief system, like it defines you and you hold it sacred, then you’ll likely be sensitive about it. Bill Maher totally and completely offends me in his ignorance.
    Other than that, I’m good to go.
    Like you, I get really turned off by people who get offended easily, who don’t have a sense of humor, and who look for injustices. Lighten up, for heaven sake!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ll say much of what I said to your Lily, it bothers me most when someone thinks their belief is more important than others. I won’t get too into it because I think the person I’m thinking of reads my blog and I would “hate” to offend them. But if you are going to insult someone’s religion you should be open to being insulted about whatever it is you believe in. Again, college kids think they know everything but are so damn stupid.

  7. kayennepeppa says:

    I’m so offended right now, I think I’m going to cut my wrists and listen to operatic music with screechy vocals. Then I’m going to start a petition to get you kicked off the internet. Yes. Petition.

    • sami116 says:

      I just posted a link to this on the profiles of the most devout offense junkies on my profile, not expecting them to learn anything from this but I do hope they take sincerely the drivel being directed at them for being such cry babies.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Has a petition ever worked? I want to start one for something completely lame then have everyone who signed it executed. Every petition needs the word “Whiners” written above it.

  8. tadams4u says:

    People do get offended easily. Personally it takes a lot to offend me. It is funny when you are laughing when you shouldn’t. Then again, most people don’t get sarcasm and take things wrong.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hello Exactly! I think I laugh hardest when someone says something so horrific that it just makes things awkward. I feel bad for them, bad for the offended, but it makes me jovial. People suck don’t they?

      • tadams4u says:

        if people didn’t take themselves and everything else so personal, we would all laugh a hell of a lot more and the world would actually end up a nicer place.

        See, we are creating the very thing we think we are stopping. LOL

  9. lostnchina says:

    Yeah… this is why I subscribed to a blog by Mooselicker, so I can find pictures of tennis players.

    (Your blog name pretty much weeds out the easily-offended, you know.)

    • Mooselicker says:

      You just reminded me, totally forgot to add that picture of Sharapova eating a banana. You can google it though if you want it so badly.

      I appreciate your subscription no matter what the reason behind it might be 🙂

  10. breezyk says:

    I love that you made an Amanda Knox joke.. I’ve made a Natalee Holloway joke on my blog before, and one about black people using the expression “off the chain”, and both of these things somehow offended people.
    Your guess is as good as mine.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hmmm I’ve searched all over your blog for the Natalee Holloway joke but I can’t seem to find. Get it? Because she’s missing! I’m also lying.

      Wouldn’t saying that someone is “on the chain” be much more offensive? It makes me think of slavery or prison. People need to ease up.

  11. Reblogged this on farmingtonhousewife and commented:
    This is just simply and fantastically, well said. I think I am in love. Now I can feel comfortable going forward with my dense sense of humor, in my uppity middle class society (of a mind). When the nanny gets here and the maid is finished, I am going to read more from this guy. My wine is almost done chilling….

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