Have you ever had someone in your life who you seemed to develop your own language with? No? Well then you’re a lonely person who will die alone. Yes? Well then you’ll probably die alone anyway, but you will be able to relate more to today’s hilarity. Today I will teach you how to speak the language that my girlfriend and I have created. It has no name to it, but what’s in a name? Shakespeare said that and we all know how amazing a writer Shakespeare was.

(“Shakespeare is an asshole” – Sir Francis Bacon, creator of most of what Shakespeare wrote)

The first and most important words you should learn are “mah” and “meh.” Those words translate from the English “my” and “me” respectively. These will be used in such phrases as “doin’ mah hair” or “hand meh mah needle.” My girlfriend is a heroin addict so she’s always asking for me to hand over her needle. She’s really clumsy and always dropping it. Butterfingers! The origin behind these words comes from me making fun of how she said those words by their correct pronunciations. You see, I notice things like that and like to make sure I don’t let you forget your flaws. I think that’s her favorite thing about me. My ability to notice every little blemish.

The word mean is something we always say. If you have nothing to say, use the word mean. The problem with this is that sometimes we do say really mean things to each other and it’s tough to tell when the other one is joking. We probably are pretty mean to each other. I say mean things and she does the mean things. Actions speak louder than words so she’s a louder version of mean. I’m not sure when or why we started using this. Actually I might and if it’s true I won’t say it because it’s too private. I don’t need the world knowing our safety word.

(My girlfriend and I deciding if we should use pears or an apple)

Oof! If you want to speak our language, say that every time you get punched in the stomach. Believe it or not, we get punched in the stomach a lot. One time I was punching her in the stomach on the corner of a busy street. A taxi driver honked his horn at me. I like that he not only thought I was abusive, but thought honking his horn would get me to stop. Of course I wasn’t really trying to hurt her, just wanted to leave a little bruising. Chastity belts are expensive and the smell of urine doesn’t last very long. Have to mark my territory somehow. You can also say “oof” when walking up stairs or any time you suffer any sort of pain. For some reason walking up stairs hurt our feet a lot. That’s why we like handicap people so much. They allow us to use their ramps.

Some of the things we say aren’t necessarily words as much as they are the way we say them. The best way to describe it is the way a white person like me would imagine a black person like you talking to a baby. We say things like “thonk ya” instead of thank you. Again, this comes from me making fun of the way she talks. She insists I say bagel weird, which I don’t. I don’t say “bag-ull” like people in New York. I think my girlfriend is just deaf or stupid. We tend to drop the g’s in verbs endin’ in “ing.” This adds to the ghetto baby talk dictionary we’re putting together. No offense to any ghetto babies or anything. I would hate if you were well-read and apologize if I’m completely out of line righ’her.

This wouldn’t be a complete post if I didn’t at least make mention of the legendary McGwire the Dog. I guess he’s not so much a legend as he is sitting near me. I’m sure there are plenty of legends jealous of his current position in the universe in relation to myself. McGwire can actually talk. He doesn’t say much but our favorite thing that he says is “bahroo.” I determined that this means “hurry up stupid” because he only ever says it before a morning or evening poop. Lady Moose also had a teacher named Mr. Bahroo which is pretty freaky to think McGwire could possibly know this. The proper time to say bahroo is whenever you damn well please. It’s fun to say and it could help you become the next Dr. Doolittle. And by that I don’t mean your career will completely tank like the last guy to play him.

(Strange, he has done very little ever since playing a character of that name)

Probably the strangest or most normal thing we do is call each other by our last names. When we use our first names we know we’re mad at each other or have slipped up. I’m starting to even forget what her first name is. Like I sort of know, but I’m not sure how it ends. If it wasn’t for emailing each other or hacking into her Facebook account for spying purposes, I probably would have forgotten her name by now. I’m sure we’re not the only couple who call each other by our last names. It makes us seem like buddies more than a couple. We’re like Mulder and Scully except I don’t have a long face with tiny eyes and she’s worked in this decade.

(Aww that’s not fair for Gillian Anderson. She works hard at the pen factory testing the caps)

  1. Can we invent our own language now, because I can’t understand a single bloorpin’ word you are saying?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m afraid of the kind of language you’d create. Something complicated. Like backwards iambic pentameter.

      • I thought we could just toss leaves at each other while we hop around in a stooped position and wave our arms in the air with our hands all floppy while we hoot and make grunting noises. When we are feeling friendly, we can pick bugs off each other, but I don’t expect that, between the challenges for supremacy and what not. (Did I mention that I am 6 feet 4 inches tall, weigh 128 pounds, have size 15 feet and a propensity for climbing people who anger me like a Silver back Gorilla going up a very short tree?)… though I suppose we can forestall violence by just tossing our poop at each other.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Phew. I was worried you’d do something that would make me feel uncomfortable.

  2. AgrippingLife says:

    I come from a long line of language makers. Even my grandparents had a language. I think having a language bonds you together. No one else in the world can communicate in that same way. It’s a sign of true love.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Unless of course most of the words in your new language are vulgar insults. Or maybe there’s some love behind that. I’m worried that someday I will lose my ability to speak English clearly.

  3. joehoover says:

    Are you sure the taxi driver was honking for that? I noticed when fireman go on sttrike her, drivers pass by honking as a show of support for their cause. Maybe his honk was saying “Punch her one from me”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Haha I never thought about that. He kind of slowed down and looked angry. Also looked to be a man from a country where women are beheaded for being too pretty. I like your theory better.

  4. I just found you b/c you commented on my site. This is hilarious. I have been looking for a blog that makes me laugh like that. Will definately be following you.. More b/c your girlfriend is a heroin user and I want to see how that turns out then your humor, but really for both.

  5. I call my husband by his last name, but it’s usually when we’re in a room full of his family members. And I have his last name. So it’s the most confusing way to get specifically his attention.

  6. Lily says:

    For some reason I read this one and then didn’t comment on it right away. Must have been super busy (lazy). Languages are the best. I think it shows that you really know each other on a deeper, more vulnerable level. Paul and I have one. I couldn’t imagine not having one really. I like how a lot of your words stem from you making fun of her pronunciations. Haha. True love.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I was waiting for you to comment! I really want to know what some of your words you guys use are. I can see you two being very inside joke.

      • Lily says:

        We use the word peen a lot. A LOT. We call each other peen, we call everything peen. I guess we were talking about wieners or something and Paul said he preferred to call them peens. That’s how it all started. And we use a lot of initials to say normal words. Like if I’m tired, I’ll say “Oh I’m t.” and he just knows what that means.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You guys are so vulgar that you had to come up with a cute word for the male genitalia? I am shocked.

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    I tend to use ebonics quite a bit these days, it sounds so much better to sound like a gangster than boring proper English.

    “Errr what?”

  8. I just wanted to say that I like that you tagged tan baby in this lol

  9. :O this sounds extremely similar to my relationship with my boy slave!

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