Have you ever had someone in your life who you seemed to develop your own language with? No? Well then you’re a lonely person who will die alone. Yes? Well then you’ll probably die alone anyway, but you will be able to relate more to today’s hilarity. Today I will teach you how to speak the language that my girlfriend and I have created. It has no name to it, but what’s in a name? Shakespeare said that and we all know how amazing a writer Shakespeare was.
(“Shakespeare is an asshole” – Sir Francis Bacon, creator of most of what Shakespeare wrote)
The first and most important words you should learn are “mah” and “meh.” Those words translate from the English “my” and “me” respectively. These will be used in such phrases as “doin’ mah hair” or “hand meh mah needle.” My girlfriend is a heroin addict so she’s always asking for me to hand over her needle. She’s really clumsy and always dropping it. Butterfingers! The origin behind these words comes from me making fun of how she said those words by their correct pronunciations. You see, I notice things like that and like to make sure I don’t let you forget your flaws. I think that’s her favorite thing about me. My ability to notice every little blemish.
The word mean is something we always say. If you have nothing to say, use the word mean. The problem with this is that sometimes we do say really mean things to each other and it’s tough to tell when the other one is joking. We probably are pretty mean to each other. I say mean things and she does the mean things. Actions speak louder than words so she’s a louder version of mean. I’m not sure when or why we started using this. Actually I might and if it’s true I won’t say it because it’s too private. I don’t need the world knowing our safety word.
(My girlfriend and I deciding if we should use pears or an apple)
Oof! If you want to speak our language, say that every time you get punched in the stomach. Believe it or not, we get punched in the stomach a lot. One time I was punching her in the stomach on the corner of a busy street. A taxi driver honked his horn at me. I like that he not only thought I was abusive, but thought honking his horn would get me to stop. Of course I wasn’t really trying to hurt her, just wanted to leave a little bruising. Chastity belts are expensive and the smell of urine doesn’t last very long. Have to mark my territory somehow. You can also say “oof” when walking up stairs or any time you suffer any sort of pain. For some reason walking up stairs hurt our feet a lot. That’s why we like handicap people so much. They allow us to use their ramps.
Some of the things we say aren’t necessarily words as much as they are the way we say them. The best way to describe it is the way a white person like me would imagine a black person like you talking to a baby. We say things like “thonk ya” instead of thank you. Again, this comes from me making fun of the way she talks. She insists I say bagel weird, which I don’t. I don’t say “bag-ull” like people in New York. I think my girlfriend is just deaf or stupid. We tend to drop the g’s in verbs endin’ in “ing.” This adds to the ghetto baby talk dictionary we’re putting together. No offense to any ghetto babies or anything. I would hate if you were well-read and apologize if I’m completely out of line righ’her.
This wouldn’t be a complete post if I didn’t at least make mention of the legendary McGwire the Dog. I guess he’s not so much a legend as he is sitting near me. I’m sure there are plenty of legends jealous of his current position in the universe in relation to myself. McGwire can actually talk. He doesn’t say much but our favorite thing that he says is “bahroo.” I determined that this means “hurry up stupid” because he only ever says it before a morning or evening poop. Lady Moose also had a teacher named Mr. Bahroo which is pretty freaky to think McGwire could possibly know this. The proper time to say bahroo is whenever you damn well please. It’s fun to say and it could help you become the next Dr. Doolittle. And by that I don’t mean your career will completely tank like the last guy to play him.
(Strange, he has done very little ever since playing a character of that name)
Probably the strangest or most normal thing we do is call each other by our last names. When we use our first names we know we’re mad at each other or have slipped up. I’m starting to even forget what her first name is. Like I sort of know, but I’m not sure how it ends. If it wasn’t for emailing each other or hacking into her Facebook account for spying purposes, I probably would have forgotten her name by now. I’m sure we’re not the only couple who call each other by our last names. It makes us seem like buddies more than a couple. We’re like Mulder and Scully except I don’t have a long face with tiny eyes and she’s worked in this decade.
(Aww that’s not fair for Gillian Anderson. She works hard at the pen factory testing the caps)