Excuses & Justifications

Posted: April 23, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

We all do terrible things. I’m convinced that we were all made to be immortal but eventually we do something so bad that we earn death. Our entire lives we’re told what’s good and what’s bad. For the most part our moral codes are the same. We know stealing is wrong and eating carrots is good. But what if what’s being stolen is bread for a starving family and what if every time a carrot is eaten a terrorist gets his pilot wings? Those are just two lame excuses and justifications that people may try to make in order to do a bad thing.

 (Bruce “Scorpion” Diamond, a once fierce competitor in Immortal Kombat, was moved over to Mortal Kombat due to his excessive demanding tone for people to “get over here”)

I try to make as few excuses as possible. It’s hard on me because I really don’t want to do very much. If I really didn’t mind making excuses I would do it a thousand times more than I do already. Can’t go out today, my knees hurt. Sorry I’m late, I was busy trying to come up with a solution to the abortion problem. There’s that old phrase “more excuses than a pregnant nun.” At least a pregnant nun can always go with immaculate conception. As long as the baby doesn’t turn out Brazilian (I think we can all agree that God isn’t Brazilian) her boss would have to believe her. If he doesn’t believe her then it’s because he believes the impossibility of immaculate conception in the first place. Therefore he denies the story of Jesus’s birth. So if you’re a pregnant nun reading this, feel free to use my argument.

Excuses are mostly for children. They can get away with a lot because they have sweet faces. You can also get away with hitting a kid. The children are our future yet we’re allowed to smack them. Isn’t that really sealing your fate of having the plug pulled on you 5 minutes into a coma? What separates us from children is that adults try to justify their errors. They give a reasoning behind why they made a mistake. Children don’t think that far ahead. They go to bed before 9 and actually like waking up at 6. I think it takes getting 5 hours of sleep on a consistent basis before you learn to justify being a bad person.

I always like to hear people’s justifications for using drugs. They say that marijuana is “from the earth” and that it’s “natural.” Plutonium is from the earth. Smoke that. Admit it, you only smoke pot because you enjoy it. Something being natural doesn’t mean you should do it. I don’t see anything natural about turning a coke bottle into a bong. For that to happen you need plastics, the invention of soda, and large corporations to distribute that product. You’re such a hippie yet you don’t realize how much capitalism it takes for you to forget about how your homework stress. Shut up and admit you just want to be lazier than when you are sober.

 (If a picture of your bong involves product placement then face it, you’ve sold out)

The best is when we get caught doing something we know is wrong. When a cop pulls us over for speeding we try to give some bullshit story about how we didn’t notice how much fiber was in our breakfast and that we really need to get to a toilet/Burger King floor. At least that’s what I would do. But I’m a good boy and never speed. I wouldn’t know what to say other than roll over and present myself to the cop and let him rape me for trying to get somewhere quicker. It’s the same reason why I would never cheat on someone. Eventually I would get caught and my only justification I could make was that I wasn’t thinking clearly. Then how about I clean out my brain with a shotgun bullet if I feel so confused? I hate when people say they “weren’t thinking.” Of course you were thinking. You were thinking about your own needs and wants. Whore.

Why do people even need to make excuses or to justify their behavior? Because we judge one another. If nobody was there to judge then people would do what they want and be happy. That’s not a good thing. If we didn’t have judgmental folk like myself then everyone would be fat unfunny sexual predators. It’s up to us to remind lesser humans how lousy they are so they don’t go out and become worse than they already are. I know if I wasn’t afraid of being judged I would be a terrible person. I would rarely shave, always be naked, and insult everyone I could. Not that I don’t already insult a lot of people. I would hide less behind a computer screen when I do it though.

(In the past warriors had shields to protect them. In today’s world we have the ability to hide our IP addresses)

To sum it all up, do what you think is right. Believe in what you do and you won’t need to make an excuse. It seems like too many people try to explain why things are the way they are. They say they like Backstreet Boys better than N*Sync because they were around first. No. Stop. Just say you like them better. You’re still a little queen, but at least you’re being less dishonest. We’re too caught up in doing our best not to make mistakes. There’s no need to worry sweetie. Everyone makes mistakes. Admit to them and you can move on. Don’t say that it’s the way you “thought it was supposed to be done” or other lame things I use.

“Excuse me while I whip this out.” – a black sheriff making an excuse for pulling out his junk. No need to do so sir, we all know it’s because you want to brag.

Comments
  1. pardonmyzinger says:

    You were victorious in creating good tags for this post.

  2. robpixaday says:

    🙂

    Yep, this post is the real thing. Wisdom and humor all rolled up into one tasty morsel.
    You really are super at social commentary, you know?
    ::applauds wildly::

    This slices through the BS and turns it into some kind of giggly hash, fit for all palates.
    Superb!!!!

    Sorry for mixing my metaphors, though! I’m (1) tired (2) out of practice (3) hungry (4) too lazy to think harder …. and oh, gosh, I can’t think of another excuse. Guess we’ll have to go with the truth: Metaphors deserve to be mixed. That’s what they’re phor.

  3. Andrew says:

    There’s not enough Scorpion jokes/references in blogs these days. Continue on

  4. As a person who smokes out of a coca-cola bottle every day, I say bravo, sir. 😛

  5. breezyk says:

    I’m awful at excuses.. mostly because I can’t tell a lie to save my life. My voice gets all weird and shaky, and my eyes get all shifty… then people automatically assume what I’m hiding is way worse than it actually is. Nobody wins.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sometimes I tear up when lying. Not that I feel bad but crying is my go to out of a tough situation. I need to prepare my lies way in advance. Give them a backstory and introduce fake characters. I should really just tell them the truth, that I don’t like them.

  6. Lily says:

    I hide behind plenty of excuses. Well, I did at least. Not so much any more. If people ask me why I do something or why I like something, I usually say “Just because.” But also, I think you’re right about people feeling like their being judged, or scared of being judged. Saying “just because” is vague enough of a response, but it’s kind of saying, “I don’t have to explain anything to you!”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Someday you will make a great mother with this tactic. And with that tactic you will have an inquisitive child who fights back. Sometimes I like to tell them the real reason why things are the way they are. Saying it without really caring can be pretty harsh and makes you feel good.

  7. Man, you are just full of words lately, aren’t you?
    This entire post proves my point… There is no excuse for you.
    But you are excused. Which is good, because nobody needs to be excused more often than you do, my friend.
    Do you see the irony there?

  8. i love the way your mind flows….lol

  9. Even this morning, when speeding (on my bike) at school, I was making up excuses for being late (whoch I wasn’t after all). Instead of just admitting that I was too tired to rise early and that I had been to busy taking care of myself to leave the house in time.
    If I’m ever late at school, I’ll tell them that I helped a woman who fell of her bike.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s not an excuse if you really would help a woman who fell off her bike. That’s my take on the issue at least. Not your fault a woman didn’t fall. You were just preparing your time incase of such an emergency.

  10. Addie says:

    A friend of mine lives by the mantra, “Never apologize, never explain.”, and, she doesn’t. She’ll stare at you until you stop asking, “Why did you (fill in the blank with something like …..not bring your share of the movie tickets or hit that lady in the walker”. It works for her.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Is she an evil woman or not? I think it’s all the tone of it. If that’s true to who she is then it probably comes off as genuine. If it seems more like she’s just trying to be a bitch, then she’s being a bitch.

      • Addie says:

        No, not evil at all. She figures if you know/like her, you don’t need an explanation. If you don’t know or like her, you wont’ believe the excuse, etc, anyway, so, why bother?

  11. Dude, what do I have to do to be included in your Blog list? You ROCK!

  12. Ms. Know-it-all Instructor:
    Now you’re blaming me because I didn’t give you specific instructions. Why weren’t you asking me to clarify things when I gave you the time to do just that?
    Ms. Know-it-all Student:
    How could we ask you to clarify something we thought was already perfectly clear?
    Now tell me who has the lamer excuse between these two Oh wise, albeit insulting one!

    • Mooselicker says:

      They’re both misses right? I say they settle things in a mud fight.

      As long as you’re willing to admit your excuse stinks then that gives you some credibility.

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