What do stamps, books, and sexually transmitted diseases all have in common? You guessed it, they’re all nouns. Besides that, they’re also things that can be collected. And that’s today’s topic, collectibles. Those useless items we can’t get enough of that end up where they probably belonged in the first place, in a pit of fire.
The 1980s and 1990s really created the huge collections crazes. People finally had money although they would often complain that they didn’t. But before that you could really only collect coins. I have a coin collection. Two actually. Maybe three if you count my quarters I’m saving up for laundry. One of them is also loose change so I guess that’s not so much a collection as it is an errand I have to run. But my actual coin collection was given to me by my dad. I’m sure he forgot. There’s not much and I’m sure it’s worth a ham. People used to collect coins because they would say one day they’d be worth more. Like with those state quarters which are worth more than 25 cents yet nobody ever can get a sandwich with 2 Delawares and a Nevada. Collecting coins is silly. All it means is that you had money stashed away that nobody ends up using. Who even puts a buffalo head on a coin? So stupid! I’m getting myself a pack of Skittles with that next chance I get.
(He’s got a cane and isn’t flinching with a hawk that close to his face. Clearly John Muir was a blind man)
Stuffed animals were the first big collection. I give credit to Cabbage Patch Kids. They made ugly children trendy. I don’t think you could find the creepiest pedophile in the world who would fuck a Cabbage Patch Kid. Those things look like Down Syndrome Vincent D’Onofrios. Have you ever seen such a flat face on something? I know you’re supposed to be able to find the beauty in every living thing, but luckily these things were never living. I don’t know what kids used to look like back when those were made but Jesus Christ! Why are most dolls so incredibly ugly? Even the blow-up dolls are unattractive. What if you just want to have a conversation with one? Assuming all prostitutes do is have sex is wrong. Fuck you sex toy industry. You have made a mockery of a once prestigious hobby.
(Do these things know wizardry? She’s not gripping it yet the cake stays afloat. Cabbage Patch Kids should be drowned)
The big collections I remember from the 1990s were Beanie Babies and Furbies. These weren’t quite stuffed animals. The Beanie Babies were filled with beans (which sounds tasty) and the Furbies were filled with Japanese robot parts (possibly as tasty). I had a few Beanie Babies. Go ahead, laugh it up. But I’ll be the one on top of the world once all of them retire. That was my favorite thing about them, they would retire. How does something that sits and does nothing but take up space retire? Next thing you know we’ll be collecting United States Senators. Ouch! Burn! My sister had a Furby. I think she won it at a boardwalk. Amazing how crazy girls will go for a talking Gremlin. You’d think because of that I would have had more dates in middle school. I was short, fat, and hairy. The spitting image of one of those dumb furry birds who always ended up being named Coco.
(Me back in high school. Don’t mind the black or stoner lips. I was going through a goth phase)
The other big collection of my childhood were Pokemon Cards. I hated those motherfuckers. I remember going out onto the baseball field at school and writing “Pokemon Sucks” in the dirt with my friend who saw me pee one time. A lesbian who I had a crush on came over and saw it (not me peeing, the Pokemon Blasphemy) and erased it with her dyke foot. Eventually I had to give in and purchased a few Pokemon cards once it was dying down. I was jumping on the collecting cards of dumb Japanese animals while my peers were jumping on the bandwagon of kissing girls. But the joke is on them once again. Their girlfriends can’t upgrade from a mere Squirtle into whatever a bigger Squirtle was. Can you tell I know nothing about Pokemon? Wasn’t one a shoe?
(I was right!)
Other collections invaded my life over the years. Things like Pogs, Crazy Bones, stickers, and a few others came and went. My biggest collection ever though was baseball memorabilia. I could write a book on this subject but I always stop after one page because nobody wants to read a book about me calling Pat Burrell an asshole every 2 pages. I know, who? I still have everything that I managed to collect. Most of it is in my front closet. I have a couple hundred thousand baseball cards, game-used equipment either bought or handed to me by nobodies, and a lot of baseballs. Really, I could drop the baseballs on your head one by one and you would eventually die I have so many. I don’t know what the most impressive things I own are. Only one thing graces my refrigerator (that’s where I keep the good shit I own). It’s a baseball card of Billy Ripken. You know, Cal Ripken Jr.’s more famous brother who once played in 2 consecutive games. On the knob of the bat, unbeknownst to him, written in black Sharpie the words “fuck face.” A teammate thought it would be a fun prank. I own that card! That’s mine and not yours. There are a bunch more out there but that’s the most interesting thing I own that might mean anything to you. Unless you’re a fan of letters from Bob Tewksbury. Then have I got a story for you!
(It’s impossible to read, but trust me. That black Sharpie beneath his hand says “fuck face” on it. Look at his face. Isn’t he one?)
No longer do I collect anything. I don’t have enough disposable income to buy things to stare at. That’s more of a kid or a mid-life crisis thing to do anyway. I think everyone should have a collection at some point in their lives. Don’t go overboard like me and have it basically become your life though. Or do. I had great times collecting stuff. All I’m trying to say here is all things in moderation. And don’t collect stupid shit. If it requires a battery and hasn’t been around for at least 10 years, you’re probably wasting your time. It’s not going to be worth more in the future. Has anyone who wasn’t a child murderer ever really wanted a Pez dispenser?