Posted: May 2, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Bon Jovi once wrote a song called “Bad Medicine.” Or at least he stole it from someone else. I’m convinced that one man with so much talent couldn’t possibly have come up with all of those great ideas. A cousin of his taught music in my high school. I never had him yet whenever I would see him would be an ass and use Bon Jovi puns whenever I saw him. One day when it was raining I warned him to be careful outside because I heard it’s “slippery when wet.” I think he heard that one before but he slipped and cracked his head open anyway.

I don’t take too many bad medicines. Most of the medicines I take are good ones. They help me live longer. Maybe not. None have killed me so they must be good, right? I knew someone who told me Reese’s Peanut Buttercups was her medicine. I think she was serious, not a practical diabetic jokester like she turned out to be. If Bon Jovi ever wrote a song called “Good Medicine” it better fucking be about peanut buttercups. The only thing better than chocolate filled with peanut butter is a sexy woman covered in chocolate filled with peanut butter. I guess you could have sex with a peanut buttercup though. Off to the store to find out!

(If it’s got a hole we can make it work)

Every morning I try to take three different medications. The first I take is a multivitamin. I’ve heard conflicting reports about multivitamins. They say they’re a waste while other people say you should take one. I have them so I take them. How can a multivitamin be bad? It’s vitamins! Multi amount of them! Next in my line of pills (I actually do keep them in a line) is my allergy medication. I take allergy pills everyday. I used to get allergy shots once a week I’m such a nerd. These usually do the trick and help me from sneezing. I’m not a fan of sneezing. I swear one day I’m going to get a hernia from sneezing. I’m getting older which means my sneezes get more violent. I miss my little “achoos” and not my current “blah blah bloos.” You shouldn’t have to drop your pants and cough after a sneeze is what I’m getting at. My final morning pill is a fish oil pill. Like multivitamins, I hear these are essential or a complete waste. It would be kind of an ass move not to take them. Fish were killed for their oil just so I can delay a heart attack. That sounds kind of cruel. Americans are so obsessed with oil. I hope we invade a country filled with fish oil. Even in a buy-one-get-one-free pack they were a little pricey.

There are other medicines that I have stored away in case of emergency/post nasal drip. I have a lot of Mucinex, the most disgusting name of a medicine. It says exactly what it is, yes, but mucus is one of those words that make me shiver. Like supper or Cher. I also have a lot of anti-headache pills. Four straight years on July 4th I would get a massive headache that would last up to a week. The most painful throbbing motherfucker of a headache. It always happens on the right side of my face. You can see the vein throbbing out. I’ve actually cried from this pain and nothing makes me cry. Except dead kittens underneath lost kitten signs. I haven’t gotten one of those horrendous headaches in a little over 2 years now. I think it’s because I eat too much salt. Can you believe that salt actually helps with sinus problems? That delicious goodness will never be limited in my diet.

(What did this fictional character’s relatives do at Ellis Island to get such a bad last name?)

I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping when someone was next to me. I never would have survived marriage in olden days. Well actually, didn’t they not share beds? Or was TV lying? For a good 3 months or so I would pop a Benadryl down my throat to get some sleep. Even if I was sleeping alone I’d do it out of habit. Why is sleeping alone such a “lonely” thing? I sleep amazing whilst by myself. A flamethrower to my face couldn’t disturb me. Unless I drank too much water before bed. For someone my age I sure do wake up a lot to urinate and completely miss the toilet.

Amongst digestive pills I also have many creams. I think I have about 8 different containers of lotions. People come over and find out I’m a professional hand job giver. I’m retired now. The hours weren’t flexible enough. I have simple lotions, Vaseline, anything to help keep me from getting too dry. And boy do I get dry. My face, neck, and arms are the worst victims of winter dryness. Some days I feel like I’m a giant piece of dandruff with arms and legs. I already have the same lack of complexion and personality of one. Not much is known about my family tree. I would like to officially claim myself as a piece of dandruff. Where’s my casino?

(Even this brave chief wouldn’t be able to figure out how you scalp a man made entirely of dandruff)

I can’t imagine a world before medicine was plentiful. I guess it’s not that way everywhere. Some parts of the world would envy me for having moisturizing cream. But they live in climates where they rarely get little red rings near their noses. I should be jealous of them, right? I appreciate my medicine. It keeps me from sneezing, helps me sleep at night, and lets me look more beautiful to people who don’t find me beautiful and never will. Medicine, you’ve done a job well done.

  1. Allergies are the worst. They haven’t been too horrible this year. But in years past I have looked like a drug addict constantly swiping at my nose and sniff like I am lingering for that last little rush that had been caught in my nose hairs. I never had to get shots though. Naw…I manned up. I laid around whining about my head congestion.

    • Mooselicker says:

      My allergies aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be. It’s mostly cats that bug me. Those fury demons from hell ALWAYS make me congested. I hate tasting my snot through post nasal drip. Blood I can handle. At least I feel like I lost a fight and just wasn’t picking it too much.

  2. Jason says:

    Pretty sure peanut butter cups cure cancer.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve eaten them and I’m cancer free. I don’t go to the doctors because I can’t afford health care from all of the Peanut Butter Cups I eat, but you’re right anyway.

  3. Why are all your posts almost exactly 1,000 words all of a sudden? Are you doing it on purpose?
    P. S. Please stop having sex with good snack food. I don’t want to think about that every time I eat a freekin’ peanut butter cup.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Almost exactly 1,000 is the new number of the beast. I’m doing Satan’s bidding as best I can.

      Actually 1,000 is about 2 pages in a Word Document. That’s as much as I think people are willing to read.

      P.S. At least I waited until after Easter.

      • I just hate to see you get stuck in a rut. It is your almost frightening randomness that keeps us coming back.It is like hanging out with someone who has Turrets syndrome. (Is that the one where they just start swearing for no apparent reason? I hope so.)

      • Mooselicker says:

        Yep that’s the disease. I actually have about 15 posts ready and rearing to go. Writing in advance helps. I have to make time to read other people’s blogs though. You only get what you give! And other cliches centered around Buddhism.

      • You are the reason I use lots of pictures…
        (Not that you are semi literate or anything)…
        But you can pop in here quickly most of the time, and just get a quick chuckle.
        (I know, you only read the articles, just like you used to tell people about your extensive Playboy collection)… )…

      • Mooselicker says:

        Playboy collection? Brother, I was born in the late 1980s. The only porn collection my generation has is on a hard drive.

      • Damn young whippersnappers and their fancy magic movin’ naked pictures. Get off my lawn… and pull your pants up, fer cryin’ out loud…

  4. Eww. So you must have that nasty bad breath from constant post nasal drip and dandruff and those gross dried skin booger looking things on upur nose. I dont think you need to worry about sleeping with someone. You will probably be alone. And when you die you wont even be eaten by cats cause you wont have any bc you are allergic. Am i dead on?

  5. Addie says:

    It’s that Irish heritage. Pale, dry skinned and bad sinuses. Damn genetics.

  6. breezyk says:

    I take iron supplements and I hate it. It makes my mouth taste like metal. Maybe I should just start infusing reese peanut butter cups with it instead.. think that would work? mmmmm

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think peanut butter does have a high enough iron content. You’d probably have to eat an entire pack with every meal. I’d say go for it. Worst case you get really fat and jolly.

  7. mary i says:

    I truly love your wit. BUT anyhoo check out Epsom salts.It will cleanse you inside and out plus also help grow your garden.. Mooselicker you make me want to cuss and Laugh is that Normal??? Peace from T-town Alabama USA … PS I am part Irish just part 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you Mary! For the compliments and the tips on clearing out my head.

      Nobody has ever told me that I make them want to cuss. That can’t be a bad thing.

  8. Lily says:

    Wait. I cannot believe that you not only take vitamins, but also fish oil. Are you my grandma? I hate taking pills and medicine. I hate having to depend on taking something. I just want to be au naturale. Supper is the scariest word of all time.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Everyone in my family seems to die of a heart attack. I don’t want my last thought to be “I wish I had taken more fish oil pills.” I’d much rather it be “Hey, is that a piano?” while looking up. That’s not preventable.

  9. The Turrets syndrome made just made me snort! XD

  10. Made was supposed to be comment lol

  11. Unless you really don’t have the disease. Did it ever cross your mind you could be a hypochondriac?

  12. Jere Banton says:

    Every day, glands in the lining of your nose, throat, airways, stomach, and intestinal tract produce about 1 to 2 quarts of mucus — a thick, wet substance that moistens these areas and helps trap and destroy foreign invaders like bacteria and viruses before they can get into your body and cause infection. Normally, you don’t notice the mucus from your nose because it mixes with saliva and drips harmlessly down the back of your throat to be swallowed gradually and continuously throughout the day..

    The latest piece of writing from our website

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