Television Appearances

Posted: May 6, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve taken this long to brag about how famous I am. Unlike you, I have appeared on television. You nobody. Feel like a loser yet? I even had a few speaking lines. In fact, I’ve been on TV so much I’m not sure if I remember all of the times. I’m like the David Schwimmer of my generation. And I don’t mean Jewish and gay.

The first time I ever remember being on TV was when I was around 12 years old. The local affiliate for UPN was at the mall covering a Philadelphia Phillies baseball caravan. What that means is they take their shittiest players, put them in a mall, and force them to sign autographs. A blonde woman was going around with a microphone asking people about their favorite moment in Phillies history. She was amazed by my answer of “When Curt Schilling struck out 318 guys in one season.” I’m a guy who doesn’t impress women much. But geez, if I was a foot and a half taller, 50 pounds lighter, and had at least started puberty she would have been mine. Some kid I barely knew was behind me in line. She asked him his favorite moment. He said it was “When Ron Gant hit a game winning home run.” Pff. I could see her nipples go from erect to concave. He wasn’t giving her anything interesting. What a douche bag. I’m not sure if my segment ever aired, but a camera was shoved in my face. That’s good enough for me to believe there’s at least film of me somewhere on the cutting room floor.

 (Kevin Sefcik was always at these things. Look at these Hall of Fame numbers!)

One of my non-speaking roles came on my appearance on VH1. Yeah, I was on a nationally broadcasted television show. Dice Undisputed! Remember that? When Andrew Dice Clay tried making a comeback around 5 years ago? He said he was going to sellout Giants Stadium. How did his career turn out? Giants Stadium no longer exists. Last time I saw, he was performing at some shitty restaurant that seats 40 people. Eek! My face can clearly be seen on one of the episodes. I saw Mr. Dice Clay live and in concert. I think it may have been his first show back. If you don’t know who he was, he was a big comedian back in the late 1980s. He’d say “balls” in a Brooklyn accent and people would laugh and be offended. He’s a starter comedian basically. Anyway, in one of the episodes you can clearly see my face in black and white laughing. My stupid, dumb, Irish grin going up and down like the Cherish Cat. I tried to talk to all of the girls at school about this. None of them seemed to care. They had never heard of Andrew Dice Clay or his TV show. I had to tell them it was the same channel as the drunk Vern Troyer show. That clicked with a few of them.

(I think he threatened more people into laughing at him than anything else)

My biggest creative input into television came about 4 years back. My class was putting together a telethon to help Quakers give food to hungry people. We threw away a lot of pizza that night that went uneaten. I thought that was a little cruel. I was the one in charge of making the “parody videos.” I don’t think it’s because the teacher thought I was very funny either. It was the least important part of the whole 5 hour marathon. I had to create 4 minutes of content. I was the piss break in this piss break of a show. I ended up doing all of the work almost on my own because everyone else seemed too busy or annoying. What you call a control freak I call independently productive. The teacher had so little expectations of me that instead of helping setup he had me in his office making copies. “Tim, you work in an office! Come do this fucking waste of time activity for me” he said with a big smile. The videos I created turned out pretty well. I was supposed to have speaking lines in one of them but the teacher didn’t like my voice so he had the black kid do voiceover for me. So if you frequently watch the Mercer County Community College channel and remember seeing a white kid who had the camera cut away from him while speaking and for some reason he spoke jive, that was me.

(Back in the 70s when it was okay to have three white guys publicly make fun of the way urban youth spoke)

The same class that put together the Telethon was rewarded with a trip to New York City to see a live taping of Maury. I remember feeling really fat the entire day and took up jogging that night. The actual taping of the show was okay. It was a paternity test episode, again. I was hoping for fat babies. The strange thing about the way they use the audience reactions for this show is that you don’t necessarily appear in the audience of the show you actually saw. For instance, I may end up in the audience of a fat baby episode. I actually got a phone call from someone when they spotted me in the audience. All you can do is see me smiling and yelling out curse words. The highlight was actually getting to shake Maury’s hand outside after the show. The worst moment was having that same hand broken by security.

(Now you feel better about your own weight problems. My good deed of the month was accomplished early this May)

 Have you ever been on TV? I’ve also been an extra during numerous sporting events. I’m the guy with the hot dog.

  1. I never know where to start with you.
    So, in random order…
    I was in the audience at the last big Lynyrd Skynyrd show in the 70’s at the Oakland coliseum. Before the plane crash. I spotted myself in one documentary.
    How would you not notice your kid is getting that fat, and then do something about it?
    The Bee Gees were an embarrassment to all of us who were alive in those days.
    You impressed an older woman with your huge knowledge of an organized sport, and I suppose you ought to be commended for that…
    When I read your stuff, inside my own head, I don’t do it in my voice, or in yours… (because as you said it is annoying)… I do it with Morgan Freeman’s voice. Just thought you should know.

  2. Lauren says:

    So number one didnt know you were from philly?! Me too?! Originally from montgomery county. Anyway… I used to host a fitness radio show and CN8 had me on their 2 of their shows. SO cool! Im so sad that you arent jewish and gay! Thats so my type! Lol

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m actually from Central Jersey, Mercer County. But right now I’m about 20 minutes away from Philly.

      A fitness radio show? You’re a genius for being able to pull that off. CN8 was one of those channels that we didn’t get in our area. Blame Cablevision. They monopolized the cable systems up there.

      I could change for you. I’m already neurotic and am good at crossing my legs. Just promise me that we’ll be together forever.

  3. Addie says:

    Wow. Can you fax me your autograph? I’m thinking you can start a Maury fitness show–you know, 15 push-ups if you are the father, 5 if you aren’t. Twenty sit ups if you aren’t telling the truth, 5 if you are. You’d have all of us Maury watchers in shape in no time!

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s not a bad idea. I bet there’s some sort of Maury gambling that goes on. Guess the baby’s weight before it comes up on the screen. Is he the father (he always is)? How far can that progeria kid be tossed? It’s pretty endless.

  4. ubi dubium says:

    Did “Jeopardy!” back in the late 90’s. (Didn’t win though). And I usually am in the chorus for “A Capital Fourth” on PBS each year. (Broadcast live on July 4th). That’s us, the big group of singers back behind the orchestra. Some years they even put us on camera! I got to sing backup for one of the Bee Gees a few years back.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hey, kudos to making it on Jeopardy. I’ve known some smart people who didn’t make it past the preliminary tests. Probably too slow from all the drugs and alcohol in their system. Pretty amazing too out of all the singers in the world you’re always on there. I bet that Bee Gees member says “I sing lead for one of the singers on “A Capital Fourth”

  5. Your voice can’t certainly be worse than that guy who sounds like he’s fighting to get a razor blade out of his throat every time he speaks. I saw him the one time I ever had the idiocy to watch that wrestling channel. And that kid!!! In the name of hotdogs, what were her parents thinking?!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think you’re thinking of John Laurinitis. He sounds exactly like Funkhauser from Curb Your Enthusiasm. What were they thinking? Probably “my kid won’t shut up unless a chicken is in its mouth” and thus the problem changes, doesn’t solve.

      • LOL, I checked out Laurinitis’ voice and it wasn’t him. It was much worse than his. I’m not saying he has an appealing voice though, sounds more like a 70 year old with asthma to me! Hahaha. And no, no, we shouldn’t make fun of the diseased elderly, no.

  6. I was on tv recently at a Mitt Romney victory rally in Illinois. I was sitting right next to his wife. I think I was on for a split second on Oprah. It was the Sound of Music reunion. It was a bit of a snore, actually. I’m usually shy and try and stay far away from any camera lest I get caught in an unflattering situation. And I definitely don’t want the extra 10 lbs that the camera supposedly adds! Haha!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I remember an old MadTV sketch where Oprah had 2 cameras and only one of them was slimming. I wouldn’t be surprised if she really did have that kind of technology.

      Right next to Mrs. Romney? I hope you small talked. You might end up on some liberal person’s Meme complaining about Republicans if you’re lucky.

  7. Lily says:

    When I was younger, I went on this cable access show for kids. I think there was some kind of clown on it. Frightening. But we got to play Crocodile Dentist and won prizes so I guess that was a highlight? I wish I could see that video of you with black voice. It’s almost like black face, right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Was it Bozo the Clown? For some reason I think he shoots in Chicago. Probably really thinking of Gacy.

      The video was also a “How I Met Your Mother” parody. We cut away to graphics when I was supposed to speak. That teacher really secretly hated me.

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