Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve taken this long to brag about how famous I am. Unlike you, I have appeared on television. You nobody. Feel like a loser yet? I even had a few speaking lines. In fact, I’ve been on TV so much I’m not sure if I remember all of the times. I’m like the David Schwimmer of my generation. And I don’t mean Jewish and gay.
The first time I ever remember being on TV was when I was around 12 years old. The local affiliate for UPN was at the mall covering a Philadelphia Phillies baseball caravan. What that means is they take their shittiest players, put them in a mall, and force them to sign autographs. A blonde woman was going around with a microphone asking people about their favorite moment in Phillies history. She was amazed by my answer of “When Curt Schilling struck out 318 guys in one season.” I’m a guy who doesn’t impress women much. But geez, if I was a foot and a half taller, 50 pounds lighter, and had at least started puberty she would have been mine. Some kid I barely knew was behind me in line. She asked him his favorite moment. He said it was “When Ron Gant hit a game winning home run.” Pff. I could see her nipples go from erect to concave. He wasn’t giving her anything interesting. What a douche bag. I’m not sure if my segment ever aired, but a camera was shoved in my face. That’s good enough for me to believe there’s at least film of me somewhere on the cutting room floor.
(Kevin Sefcik was always at these things. Look at these Hall of Fame numbers!)
One of my non-speaking roles came on my appearance on VH1. Yeah, I was on a nationally broadcasted television show. Dice Undisputed! Remember that? When Andrew Dice Clay tried making a comeback around 5 years ago? He said he was going to sellout Giants Stadium. How did his career turn out? Giants Stadium no longer exists. Last time I saw, he was performing at some shitty restaurant that seats 40 people. Eek! My face can clearly be seen on one of the episodes. I saw Mr. Dice Clay live and in concert. I think it may have been his first show back. If you don’t know who he was, he was a big comedian back in the late 1980s. He’d say “balls” in a Brooklyn accent and people would laugh and be offended. He’s a starter comedian basically. Anyway, in one of the episodes you can clearly see my face in black and white laughing. My stupid, dumb, Irish grin going up and down like the Cherish Cat. I tried to talk to all of the girls at school about this. None of them seemed to care. They had never heard of Andrew Dice Clay or his TV show. I had to tell them it was the same channel as the drunk Vern Troyer show. That clicked with a few of them.
(I think he threatened more people into laughing at him than anything else)
My biggest creative input into television came about 4 years back. My class was putting together a telethon to help Quakers give food to hungry people. We threw away a lot of pizza that night that went uneaten. I thought that was a little cruel. I was the one in charge of making the “parody videos.” I don’t think it’s because the teacher thought I was very funny either. It was the least important part of the whole 5 hour marathon. I had to create 4 minutes of content. I was the piss break in this piss break of a show. I ended up doing all of the work almost on my own because everyone else seemed too busy or annoying. What you call a control freak I call independently productive. The teacher had so little expectations of me that instead of helping setup he had me in his office making copies. “Tim, you work in an office! Come do this fucking waste of time activity for me” he said with a big smile. The videos I created turned out pretty well. I was supposed to have speaking lines in one of them but the teacher didn’t like my voice so he had the black kid do voiceover for me. So if you frequently watch the Mercer County Community College channel and remember seeing a white kid who had the camera cut away from him while speaking and for some reason he spoke jive, that was me.
(Back in the 70s when it was okay to have three white guys publicly make fun of the way urban youth spoke)
The same class that put together the Telethon was rewarded with a trip to New York City to see a live taping of Maury. I remember feeling really fat the entire day and took up jogging that night. The actual taping of the show was okay. It was a paternity test episode, again. I was hoping for fat babies. The strange thing about the way they use the audience reactions for this show is that you don’t necessarily appear in the audience of the show you actually saw. For instance, I may end up in the audience of a fat baby episode. I actually got a phone call from someone when they spotted me in the audience. All you can do is see me smiling and yelling out curse words. The highlight was actually getting to shake Maury’s hand outside after the show. The worst moment was having that same hand broken by security.
(Now you feel better about your own weight problems. My good deed of the month was accomplished early this May)
Have you ever been on TV? I’ve also been an extra during numerous sporting events. I’m the guy with the hot dog.