Lately I’ve been on a salad kick. Of all the things to be addicted to, salads have to be the healthiest. Also probably the most humiliating. I guess if you were addicted to putting things up your butt you might be a little upset about admitting it. Your mom would ask you where all of her cookies went and you’d blush, feel of guilt knowing where they really were. That’s probably not a good example. Nobody puts cookies up their butt. Unless they run out of chocolate chips. Then that kind of solves that problem. At least from a first glance.
(Sorry for the early poop joke. It just came with the flow of things. At least you may never eat a cookie ever again)
The kind of salads that I’ve been eating are nothing special. I’ll purchase a bag of some mix high in Vitamin A, usually romaine. I am obsessed with eating lots of Vitamin A. I really don’t want to go blind. I’ll have to learn brail. I don’t have the fingers for it. And I love sight gags in films. The Naked Gun is way too serious without them. I’ll open my bag with the orange scissors I stole from school a decade ago. Pour it all into my giant new salad serving bowl, heat up some chicken, mix everything together, and douse it with salad dressing. I use a salad serving bowl because I like big salads and I can fit a lot in there. It might look a little ridiculous, but the only one to ever see me eat out of it is McGwire the Dog. He’s mostly embarrassed that I’m eating vegetables. I tried giving him a carrot the other day. He decided a better meal was biting his own genitals.
My salad dressing of choice has been raspberry vinaigrette. It’s what a rich woman with wrinkly skin living in New York City would say “is to die for.” Some people don’t like a fruity flavor with their salads. I can understand it. Because who wants to feel so healthy like they’re eating fruits and vegetables in one serving? I did buy a calorie free dressing of ranch which was terrible. I’m not sure if I dislike ranch or if I’m just not fat enough to enjoy it. Really, ranch is for people who live in ranch style homes because they’re too lazy to walk up stairs. It comes with disgusting foods that guarantee heart failure. Slowly but surely I’ll digest this substance that must be nothing more than flavored water a lot of salt thrown in. Worst $4 I ever spent since donating money to that sick kid who died a week later.
Some people have are more fancy and get their salads pre-made. Or they’re even fancier and follow directions or recipes and build their own salads following those guidelines. There’s the Cobb Salad named after ruthless murderer and baseball player Ty Cobb, there’s the Caesar Salad named after the haircut of the same name, and there’s the Chef Salad named after the Isaac Hayes character from South Park. A few others are more specific and give away what’s inside. Things like buffalo chicken, Asian noodle, or garden are a few other choices to select from. I hate garden salads. I’d feel like a rabbit. Vegetables without any meat present feels like two Ken Dolls trying to have sinful gay sex. There’s something missing that makes the whole experience suck.
(The one on the right is a billionaire who has paid the other two to do nasty things to one another. The one on the far left is just doing it for the money. The one in the belly shirt has done this before)
I used to wonder how anyone could ever eat a salad. It seemed so plain and unfilling. I don’t remember the first salad I had. Sometime during my turn in life toward “healthy living.” One time my sister bet me $10 I couldn’t eat an entire giant thing of lettuce. I never ate my vegetables as a boy, but I also never backed down from a challenge. After about 3 bites I felt like throwing up. I was crying. The lettuce hitting my taste buds was painful. I never finished it and I don’t remember if I got the money or not. I was alive and at the time that’s all that mattered. Plus my mom yelled at her for almost killing me. I think I was taken out for ice cream after for at least making an effort at eating vegetables. If I ever say my childhood sucked, remind me of that.
(Pissed off weekend dad or child murderer who they’ve never seen before? I dig her 33-year-old shirt by the way)
I would eat more salads, but they’re really expensive. At Subway, it’s $5 for a salad with the same amount of meat you get for a 6-inch sub. Technically you would be better off ordering a regular foot long sandwich, throwing the bread in the toilet, and eating what you have left out of your lap or a bowl. Salads I guess are so expensive because you have to pay for the dumb plastic bowls, but also the labor it takes to chop the pieces of meat up and properly sprinkle cheese around the outer edges. You know, grueling tasks like those. If salads weren’t around $5 for around 250 calories, maybe more people would get them and be healthy. For now I’m going to stick with my homemade salads. Eating them out of a gigantic tin bowl with 4 servings of dressing on the top. It’s 1/4th the usual fat content or so they say. This way it’s like I’m eating normally and go through a bottle in 3 days.