Lately I’ve been on a salad kick. Of all the things to be addicted to, salads have to be the healthiest. Also probably the most humiliating. I guess if you were addicted to putting things up your butt you might be a little upset about admitting it. Your mom would ask you where all of her cookies went and you’d blush, feel of guilt knowing where they really were. That’s probably not a good example. Nobody puts cookies up their butt. Unless they run out of chocolate chips. Then that kind of solves that problem. At least from a first glance.

(Sorry for the early poop joke. It just came with the flow of things. At least you may never eat a cookie ever again)

The kind of salads that I’ve been eating are nothing special. I’ll purchase a bag of some mix high in Vitamin A, usually romaine. I am obsessed with eating lots of Vitamin A. I really don’t want to go blind. I’ll have to learn brail. I don’t have the fingers for it. And I love sight gags in films. The Naked Gun is way too serious without them. I’ll open my bag with the orange scissors I stole from school a decade ago. Pour it all into my giant new salad serving bowl, heat up some chicken, mix everything together, and douse it with salad dressing. I use a salad serving bowl because I like big salads and I can fit a lot in there. It might look a little ridiculous, but the only one to ever see me eat out of it is McGwire the Dog. He’s mostly embarrassed that I’m eating vegetables. I tried giving him a carrot the other day. He decided a better meal was biting his own genitals.

My salad dressing of choice has been raspberry vinaigrette. It’s what a rich woman with wrinkly skin living in New York City would say “is to die for.” Some people don’t like a fruity flavor with their salads. I can understand it. Because who wants to feel so healthy like they’re eating fruits and vegetables in one serving? I did buy a calorie free dressing of ranch which was terrible. I’m not sure if I dislike ranch or if I’m just not fat enough to enjoy it. Really, ranch is for people who live in ranch style homes because they’re too lazy to walk up stairs. It comes with disgusting foods that guarantee heart failure. Slowly but surely I’ll digest this substance that must be nothing more than flavored water a lot of salt thrown in. Worst $4 I ever spent since donating money to that sick kid who died a week later.

Some people have are more fancy and get their salads pre-made. Or they’re even fancier and follow directions or recipes and build their own salads following those guidelines. There’s the Cobb Salad named after ruthless murderer and baseball player Ty Cobb, there’s the Caesar Salad named after the haircut of the same name, and there’s the Chef Salad named after the Isaac Hayes character from South Park. A few others are more specific and give away what’s inside. Things like buffalo chicken, Asian noodle, or garden are a few other choices to select from. I hate garden salads. I’d feel like a rabbit. Vegetables without any meat present feels like two Ken Dolls trying to have sinful gay sex. There’s something missing that makes the whole experience suck.

(The one on the right is a billionaire who has paid the other two to do nasty things to one another. The one on the far left is just doing it for the money. The one in the belly shirt has done this before)

I used to wonder how anyone could ever eat a salad. It seemed so plain and unfilling. I don’t remember the first salad I had. Sometime during my turn in life toward “healthy living.” One time my sister bet me $10 I couldn’t eat an entire giant thing of lettuce. I never ate my vegetables as a boy, but I also never backed down from a challenge. After about 3 bites I felt like throwing up. I was crying. The lettuce hitting my taste buds was painful. I never finished it and I don’t remember if I got the money or not. I was alive and at the time that’s all that mattered. Plus my mom yelled at her for almost killing me. I think I was taken out for ice cream after for at least making an effort at eating vegetables. If I ever say my childhood sucked, remind me of that.

 (Pissed off weekend dad or child murderer who they’ve never seen before? I dig her 33-year-old shirt by the way)

I would eat more salads, but they’re really expensive. At Subway, it’s $5 for a salad with the same amount of meat you get for a 6-inch sub. Technically you would be better off ordering a regular foot long sandwich, throwing the bread in the toilet, and eating what you have left out of your lap or a bowl. Salads I guess are so expensive because you have to pay for the dumb plastic bowls, but also the labor it takes to chop the pieces of meat up and properly sprinkle cheese around the outer edges. You know, grueling tasks like those. If salads weren’t around $5 for around 250 calories, maybe more people would get them and be healthy. For now I’m going to stick with my homemade salads. Eating them out of a gigantic tin bowl with 4 servings of dressing on the top. It’s 1/4th the usual fat content or so they say. This way it’s like I’m eating normally and go through a bottle in 3 days.

Comments
  1. Excellent stuff. It’s the absurd details that make this so funny.

  2. Homer says:

    You don’t win friends with salad!

  3. Lauren says:

    Three words…mcdonalds southwest salad… But with grilled chicken

  4. Dude, try putting some almond slivers, craisens and blue cheese chunks in with the raspberry vinaigrette… awesome. I never noticed it was rasPberry… I thought it was razberry… And marionberry… what’s up with that? Did you know that the blue part of blue cheese is chemically almost identical to athlete’s foot fungus?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Shouldn’t you have waited to until after I tried this to tell me about the foot fungus thing? Like a year or so. I’d rave about it all the time then you drop the bomb on me. The devil on your left shoulder needs to speak louder.

  5. Cessel says:

    You do know that you have an addiction that others (usually women) pray for, right? I, for instance, was desperately forcing myself to like salads. But I don’t really like crying while eating (at least not healthy stuff), so I gave it up.
    I even tried to go vegetarian once, but after a week I ran to the nearest McDonald’s and bought the greasiest burger they had. Best burger I have ever eaten.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve heard your taste buds change every 7 years. I hated vegetables until around the time I was 21. It takes some experimenting. You gotta find the write type of salad and dressing to go with it. There is hope for you afterall.

      I make my own burgers sometimes. Best part? Licking the grease off the spatula. I’m a naughty boy.

      • Cessel says:

        Then I will gladly try again when I’m 24. There is hope… as long as a big fat steak with a leaf of lettuce on the side is considered a salad. I could live with that.
        Give up the spatula, attack the frying pan and the burned goodness in it. You have to make sure it’s pretty cool though, a black tongue scares some people. I don’t know why, but it does.

  6. Cafe says:

    I am a total sucker for ceasar salad. I LOVE that stuff.
    I know what you mean though, I used to wonder how people could eat it, especially as a meal. But now I order chicken ceasar salad all the time. And any salad with hard-boiled eggs, mm, can’t go wrong. Damn, I’m super hungry now 😦

    • Mooselicker says:

      I am in total agreement with you on hard boiled eggs in a salad! I came close once to buying an $11 platter of hardboiled eggs to eat one time I love them so much.

      Could it have been our fat kid ways trying to trick ourselves into thinking a salad isn’t very filling? You reminded me how excited I am for dinner.

      • Cafe says:

        Haha quite possibly so. Well, at least now it’s me trying to appease my slower metabolism 😦

        Enjoy your dinner! 🙂

  7. Lily says:

    Okay I do the same thing with my salad! Pour it into a gigantic salad bowl meant for four people. It’s the only way. I need tons of bacon bits. And ranch. And iceberg lettuce. But at restaurants I get Caesars. I can’t believe you use vinagarette. And take vitamins. You’re like a 50 year old woman.

  8. Addie says:

    I like the Chipotle salad. It’s like the tasty goodness of a chipotle burrito without the messiness of the tortilla. I put my salad in a big ass bowl, too, and douse it with seasoned rice vinegar. yum, yum, triple yum. some sauteed chicken, bits of jalapeno, all kinds of goodies.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I am reading this fresh out of salad products and raging! We need to start a big salad club; you, me, and Lily. When the word doused is used when describing preparation of a salad you know it will turn out good.

  9. Please tell me why I finished this tribute to salads even after the first paragraph.

  10. I get into a salad groove and then I OD, as with everything else in my life. I’m so black and white. The one thing that I never OD on is my breakfast. Every morning it’s the same thing — 2 poached eggs, rye toast, grapefruit and coffee. It must be a magical combination because I never get sick of it? Salads are another story. Snore.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That seems like such a long breakfast to make. I can’t eat anything in the morning that takes more than 2 steps. Could it be that you don’t feel like your day has started until those eggs are poached? Like how some people need yoga in the morning.

      I commend you. I’d be exhausted by the time I made that for breakfast.

      • Well, to be honest, I go out for breakfast. It’s my one luxury. I used to bring a book and now I bring my iPad. It’s such a guilty pleasure. I’ve also become a “regular” which is so strange. there are maybe like 5 of us. We all come in take our usual seats say good morning to one another, etc. through the years I’ve picked up little bits of info on each one. I used to think that it would make a great story. One day somebody just doesn’t show up and the rest of us are left wondering what happened. I know, strange…

      • Mooselicker says:

        That would be a pretty interesting premise. There are so many directions you could take it in. Being a regular is awesome.

      • AgrippingLife says:

        It is awesome because they actually see my car pull in and start putting my coffee on the table! Haha!

  11. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t like Ranch salad dressing. Too sour.

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