Most of our first experiences with rocks involves our mothers cheering on bullies to find an even bigger one to throw at us. At least my first experience with rocks is like that. Rocks, by their very definition, are lame pieces of stone that hang out in the dirt. I can’t remember the last time I even saw or touched a rock. I think it’s the same reason why I never notice gnats anymore. I’m not outside unless it involves walking to my car or burning garbage/missing women’s clothing. Rocks are pretty lousy as far as small pieces of earth go. They look cool inside, I’ll give them that. But the same could be said about a pool filter. Sure, it’s mostly over chlorinated water. Occasionally you’re lucky and find a dead fly or a bloody missing Band-Aid.

(A rock giving birth to a flamboyant British man who doesn’t know the purpose of a hat)

The word rock can also be used to describe something. Like saying “you rock” for instance. Nobody ever tells me that I rock. Probably because I don’t. In order to rock I feel you must be able to shake your head to music. I just can’t do that. I can’t commit my head to shaking unless I’m seizuring or really don’t want another soda and my mouth is too full to tell the waiter to back off. You can also rock by being an overall cool person who gets the job done. Rarely do I get the job done. I’ll start a task and hope that someone else finishes it. Maybe that’s a poor example. You come up with a better one.

(I wish I could be this passionate about something. Notice the pattern of bored, excited, excited, thrilled fat lesbian, excited, excited, bored)

Not only can a person be described as rocking, they can actually rock as in move. Fun things to rock are chairs, babies, and gondola rides. Rock N Roll stars rarely do much rocking. I would describe their movements more as thrusting or giving the finger. Only during a dumb slow song will you see a real rocker rock. They’ll put one arm up in the air and rock their body’s back and forth. They’ll try to get the crowd to go along with it but once the crowd gets involved it becomes a sway, not a rock. So stop trying to involve the crowd like that you dumb millionaire drug addicts. Please don’t point at us then ask us to sing along to the chorus. If I wanted to sing then I would have gone to church or taken a shower. I go to a concert to forget about my problems and hear how you sound nothing like you do on the album in person.

The term Rock N Roll though actually comes from sex. I guess sex involves some rocking. Not so much rolling. Except that one time I decided to leave my pants on and stepped on a candle. I not only rolled, but before that I stopped and dropped. The word rock is also used in the entertainment industry by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He took this name from his father, Rocky Johnson. Rocky seems to be a pretty popular name amongst people who fight. And flying squirrels. Rocco is another similar name popular among Italians. And wallabies with modern lives. There’s also Rocky Dennis. I guess in a way he was a fighter. He managed to survive having a debilitating disease and Cher as a mom. And he kept his dick as its original form.

(And it was all downhill for Gingers after this)

Objects can be described as being rocky. Usually those are cliffs with actual rocks poking out. Sometimes situations can be described as rocky. I guess impregnating a student could be a rocky situation? Or is that more of a sticky situation? Because I know how much students like to chew gum. If students like hard candy more, then sure, it would be a rocky situation. The more I think about it the more I realize nobody ever says a situation is rocky. Roads are rocky. Roads are so rocky that there’s a popular ice cream flavor named Rocky Road. It sounds very appetizing. A flavor with the same name as the worst nightmare of a driver with hemorrhoids. Try driving over a pothole with an anal fissure and tell me that isn’t an accurate comparison.

(This looks delicious despite the fact that it looks exactly like my dog’s poop from 2 months ago when he had worms)

Even Major League Baseball acknowledges the existence of the word rock. That’s more than the NFL can say about the Holocaust. Can you believe that 45% of the players in that league deny that one of the most tragic and horrific events in human history never happened? Even more impressive is that only I know this statistic. The Colorado Rockies came along in the mid-90s giving the word rock a new audience. Originally the only sport where the word belonged was on school yards and hostage situations when Rock, Paper, Scissors would be played. If that game can teach us anything it’s that rocks are destructible. And by paper! A product so weak that a gust of wind or a heavy fart makes it fly away. Looking at it with that knowledge makes me lose respect for the word rock. So the next time a girl comes up to your friend and tells him that he rocks and basically ignores you, tell her you’re paper. Then refer her to this post. She’ll feel uncomfortable and leave. But at least your friend won’t get any. And we both know he doesn’t deserve it. He barely bathes and still owes you money.

“Rock out with your cock out” – popular t-shirt slogan of people whom you know have never actually been invited to a party without a goody-bag

Comments
  1. AgrippingLife says:

    Does your brain hurt now? I can’t believe how many rock references you were able to come up with! Great post, very funny!

    • Mooselicker says:

      It always hurts.

      I forgot my original intention with this. Usually posts like these are a one-joke gag and it goes on an extra 800 words. Glad you enjoyed!

  2. 956 more words. Now you are talking.
    Why do they put those ‘watch out for falling rock’ signs on twisty mountain roads? How much time do we have for spotting rocks in those conditions? And if you see a big one coming at you, what do you do? Drive off the cliff to avoid it. They should pay homeless people to stand by the road and watch the rocks for us, in case one of them decides to get frisky… the rocks, not the homeless people.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I worry if we started to pay the homeless they’d get enough money to get a house. After a while they’ll get a TV. With TV they can see all those commercials about how you can go to school, online. They’ll get the Internet and study really hard. After a few years they’ll get their degree in a competitive market with few jobs. They’ll go back to watching rocks from falling but they’ll not be homeless folk and there will be outcry. It’s a 360 degree motion where nobody wins.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    “I’m not outside unless it involves walking to my car or burning garbage/missing women’s clothing.” Man have I been there. I’m pretty sure me and you are in the same Anonymous groups.

    Great post, it rocked.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Pete! Remember, leave no remnants of a blouse. Even the littlest piece of fabric in your trunk can tip off those nosey cops.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Haha I’ve just been to view a place to live with a friend and the woman showing us round said, “Loads of storage space, in this cupboard you can store anything, clothes, boxes…”

        And I went, “Dead bodies…”

        I think I scared her mwahaha

  4. You just can’t help but mock everything, can you? But hey, I’m not the one to complain, especially with hemorrhoids and that smashed-up face of a peanut woman to cheer up my mood! 😉

  5. Lily says:

    So scarred by that picture of Rocky Dennis. It’s like a real life Beauty and the Beast except that there’s no beauty and he’ll look like that forever.
    I can’t believe you thought of every possible meaning and reference to the word rock. Pretty impressive. I was most impressed by the mention of Rocco’s Modern Life. Nickelodeon references always make me happy.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If knowledge of the word Rocks could be valuable in any situation I would have it made. I showed up really late the day talent was being handed out.

      I always felt molested after watching Rocco’s Modern Life. Such a creepy show.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    One thing, rocks don’t go to heaven.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s