I remember seeing someone on Myspace years ago post that one day they were going to be on Saturday Night Live. He assured everyone willing to read his rant, his hopes, his dreams, that one day he would be a success. This Myspace character was named Jimmy Fallon. You can only imagine how pissed off he was when he found out that there was already a popular cast member of the same name. Myspace Jimmy Fallon quit his dreams and nobody ever saw him again. Myspace Jimmy Fallon was delusional. One of my favorite types of people. The ones who think they’re not going to fail like the rest of us.
I worry at times that I am delusional. I worry that I’m really a retarded man. Each time someone pays me a compliment it’s because they feel sorry for me. I knew a retarded person. We’ll call him Retarded Jimmy Fallon because I feel like continuing to make up the fact that I actually knew other people with that name. People would go up to Retarded Jimmy Fallon and tell him how cool he was. They’d say his Cowboys Starter Jacket was awesome. I don’t know if what they were doing was wrong or not. RJF wasn’t very cool at all. He’d yell out nonsense and make disgusting noises. His Cowboys Starter Jacket, it had a paint stain on it. That’s not how I define awesome. Did they help feed the flame of delusional thoughts into RJF?
(He does have the death stare of a retard)
Nearly every day I come across someone delusional in some way, shape, or form. The most common are people who think they’re interesting, funny, or smart. You’re lucky if you get one of them. Most people are pretty boring, lame, and dumb. They’ll talk about themselves and people they know and who I have never met. I don’t care about what your ugly cousin did in a kayak. Unless it was her tipping over and getting her foot caught on seaweed at the bottom of the lake, shut up. Terribly unfunny people are the worst. You can easily spot these people by their novelty t-shirts and special skills in quoting things from the Cartoon Network. Don’t get me wrong. A few novelty shirts is fine. And to throw out a funny line here and there from a talking milkshake, priceless! But that doesn’t make you funny. That makes you a purchaser of good shirts and an idiot savant. As far as smarts goes, we all know lots of dummies. People who ask the worst questions possibly. “How are you?” is the most common dumb question asked of me. I’m awful. You’re near me and the only one I have to interact with at the time. That’s how I am.
(What to get for the dad who fixes everything? A shirt to remind him that he does all the work while his fat children run up the electric bill)
Delusions become a big problem in life when you just don’t know when to quit. Striving for your dreams is always great. But by golly eventually you need to stop wasting people’s time with what you call talent and do something more productive like make an equally untalented child or light yourself on fire. There’s no real set time frame when you should give up and settle for a bad life. You probably should never give up because most of all you’re wasting your own time. And that’s not my time, the time I care about most of all.
People are delusional about the way they look a lot of times too. Go to a Walmart, Ihop, or any other place that exists for further details on girls who think they’re attractive and are not. Worse than girls with orange skin and purple lips are the alternatives. People who try too hard to be antisocial. I saw a guy wearing a cape thing while walking the other day. A long, black, covered in chains and whistles cloak. I’ve seen this outfit a lot. One time it was a guy at a flea market selling swords talking about kung fu movies. Why is it that people work so hard to look so different? It feels very dishonest to me. To dye your hair a thousand different colors, pierce every orifice of your body, cover yourself in ink, and wear clothes that look like they belong on Mongolian soldiers is insane. Yes. These “alternative” girls are pretty hot a lot of the time. But their attitudes leave a lot to be desired. They’re mean, self-centered, and complain that people aren’t open minded. You look like a woman who should be operating a Ferris Wheel and dating the World’s Strongest Midget. Excuse me if it takes a little bit of time to understand you’re not a sexy mutant.
(I swear I could accidentally eat him)
As much as I think delusional people should be rounded up and tossed into the ocean, the same can be said of the opposite. People who settle too early. They take corporate jobs without really caring if that’s what they waste their life with. If you’re into reincarnation sure, that’s fine. You’re more worried about not coming back in the next life as a cup of yogurt or something else edible. Some people don’t seem concerned at all about where their life takes them. That scares me. To think I’d ever be fine with an average job, in an average town, with an average wife, with average kids makes me want to scream. I’d go out every week with the same people from high school. We’d laugh about old times. Then we’d run out of old times to laugh about and one of us will kill ourselves. Settling with the same group of people in your life for eternity means that you guys will forever be attached at the hip. Make friends somewhere else. You only liked each other in the first place because you both had Mr. Finkleshit for science. Mr. Finkleshit is dead now and you two are still friends. Where has the time gone?
(Mr. Finkleshit survived the Holocaust but he couldn’t survive his 3rd period biology class. They murdered him by all forgetting to do their homework. He was heartbroken)
It’s impossible to tell if you’re a delusional person or not. That’s the thing, you don’t know. You never will. Maybe years from now on your death raft (I’m predicting massive flooding to kill most of the current population) you’ll look back at these years and think you wasted your time on an impossibility. You will wonder how you could have been so delusional. If you’re going to be ignorant though at least be ignorant trying to achieve something great. Don’t be one of those blissful idiots who are happy enough just to have a job that allows you to drink water bottles are your desk. That’s not called “not appreciating life.” That’s called being a doormat of society.