I remember seeing someone on Myspace years ago post that one day they were going to be on Saturday Night Live. He assured everyone willing to read his rant, his hopes, his dreams, that one day he would be a success. This Myspace character was named Jimmy Fallon. You can only imagine how pissed off he was when he found out that there was already a popular cast member of the same name. Myspace Jimmy Fallon quit his dreams and nobody ever saw him again. Myspace Jimmy Fallon was delusional. One of my favorite types of people. The ones who think they’re not going to fail like the rest of us.

I worry at times that I am delusional. I worry that I’m really a retarded man. Each time someone pays me a compliment it’s because they feel sorry for me. I knew a retarded person. We’ll call him Retarded Jimmy Fallon because I feel like continuing to make up the fact that I actually knew other people with that name. People would go up to Retarded Jimmy Fallon and tell him how cool he was. They’d say his Cowboys Starter Jacket was awesome. I don’t know if what they were doing was wrong or not. RJF wasn’t very cool at all. He’d yell out nonsense and make disgusting noises. His Cowboys Starter Jacket, it had a paint stain on it. That’s not how I define awesome. Did they help feed the flame of delusional thoughts into RJF?

(He does have the death stare of a retard)

Nearly every day I come across someone delusional in some way, shape, or form. The most common are people who think they’re interesting, funny, or smart. You’re lucky if you get one of them. Most people are pretty boring, lame, and dumb. They’ll talk about themselves and people they know and who I have never met. I don’t care about what your ugly cousin did in a kayak. Unless it was her tipping over and getting her foot caught on seaweed at the bottom of the lake, shut up. Terribly unfunny people are the worst. You can easily spot these people by their novelty t-shirts and special skills in quoting things from the Cartoon Network. Don’t get me wrong. A few novelty shirts is fine. And to throw out a funny line here and there from a talking milkshake, priceless! But that doesn’t make you funny. That makes you a purchaser of good shirts and an idiot savant. As far as smarts goes, we all know lots of dummies. People who ask the worst questions possibly. “How are you?” is the most common dumb question asked of me. I’m awful. You’re near me and the only one I have to interact with at the time. That’s how I am.

(What to get for the dad who fixes everything? A shirt to remind him that he does all the work while his fat children run up the electric bill)

Delusions become a big problem in life when you just don’t know when to quit. Striving for your dreams is always great. But by golly eventually you need to stop wasting people’s time with what you call talent and do something more productive like make an equally untalented child or light yourself on fire. There’s no real set time frame when you should give up and settle for a bad life. You probably should never give up because most of all you’re wasting your own time. And that’s not my time, the time I care about most of all.

People are delusional about the way they look a lot of times too. Go to a Walmart, Ihop, or any other place that exists for further details on girls who think they’re attractive and are not. Worse than girls with orange skin and purple lips are the alternatives. People who try too hard to be antisocial. I saw a guy wearing a cape thing while walking the other day. A long, black, covered in chains and whistles cloak. I’ve seen this outfit a lot. One time it was a guy at a flea market selling swords talking about kung fu movies. Why is it that people work so hard to look so different? It feels very dishonest to me. To dye your hair a thousand different colors, pierce every orifice of your body, cover yourself in ink, and wear clothes that look like they belong on Mongolian soldiers is insane. Yes. These “alternative” girls are pretty hot a lot of the time. But their attitudes leave a lot to be desired. They’re mean, self-centered, and complain that people aren’t open minded. You look like a woman who should be operating a Ferris Wheel and dating the World’s Strongest Midget. Excuse me if it takes a little bit of time to understand you’re not a sexy mutant.

(I swear I could accidentally eat him)

As much as I think delusional people should be rounded up and tossed into the ocean, the same can be said of the opposite. People who settle too early. They take corporate jobs without really caring if that’s what they waste their life with. If you’re into reincarnation sure, that’s fine. You’re more worried about not coming back in the next life as a cup of yogurt or something else edible. Some people don’t seem concerned at all about where their life takes them. That scares me. To think I’d ever be fine with an average job, in an average town, with an average wife, with average kids makes me want to scream. I’d go out every week with the same people from high school. We’d laugh about old times. Then we’d run out of old times to laugh about and one of us will kill ourselves. Settling with the same group of people in your life for eternity means that you guys will forever be attached at the hip. Make friends somewhere else. You only liked each other in the first place because you both had Mr. Finkleshit for science. Mr. Finkleshit is dead now and you two are still friends. Where has the time gone?

(Mr. Finkleshit survived the Holocaust but he couldn’t survive his 3rd period biology class. They murdered him by all forgetting to do their homework. He was heartbroken)

It’s impossible to tell if you’re a delusional person or not. That’s the thing, you don’t know. You never will. Maybe years from now on your death raft (I’m predicting massive flooding to kill most of the current population) you’ll look back at these years and think you wasted your time on an impossibility. You will wonder how you could have been so delusional. If you’re going to be ignorant though at least be ignorant trying to achieve something great. Don’t be one of those blissful idiots who are happy enough just to have a job that allows you to drink water bottles are your desk. That’s not called “not appreciating life.” That’s called being a doormat of society.

  1. The people who dress for attention always kill me. Obviously everyone likes to dress up and look nice but I’m speaking strictly of your cape wearing sort of crowd. It’s such an obvious low self esteem issue. People who feel good about themselves don’t need to rely on any trappings. You should feel good about yourself from the inside out.

    As far as delusions go, I think believing in yourself, even to the point that other people think you’re a fool, is A-Okay. Those are usually the people that succeed. Throughout history those are the ones who push the envelope. Remember that “Gilligan’s Island” episode when Gilligan made wings? He was flying and could have flown off the island but the stupid Skipper had to tell him, “You can’t fly!” That’s when Gilligan fell to earth. Believing in yourself when everyone around you is telling you that you can’t succeed usually means you will. Not easy to do. Just put your blinders on and KNOW that you can accomplish anything that you set your mind to. I have, I’ve succeeded in things that seem incomprehensible to me. It may be because I have that dyslexic personality?
    You’re not retarded, you just have to block out the noise around you and keep your eyes on the prize. : )

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad you’ve seen other people in those cape things. I couldn’t find a good picture anywhere.

      You made Gilligan’s Island a very deep and meaningful show. Hopes and dreams are the one thing you almost have to be delusional about. At the same time you have to know enough about yourself and the possiblities of being able to achieve it. As much as I would love to play professional baseball, I know that no matter how hard I work at it I probably won’t. I think it’s important to know what you’re good at. Things annoy me most when I find a person doing one thing and failing while I can easily see that they should be doing something completely different where they would be successful. But like you said, it’s important to never give up. Did you say that? Maybe in not that those words, but I think it’s what you meant.

      Life would be easier if this “prize” I have my eyes on was one thing we all strived for. Options frighten me. But the blinders are on either way!

      • Good for you! I have faith in you, Tim. My favorite movie (…or in my top 10) is “Rudy.” He shouldn’t have even been allowed on that football field but he didn’t let anything stand in his way. There’s a scripture that says if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. I must have a ridiculous amount of faith because I totally believe this. But yeah, I hear you about the baseball, that would be like me saying I was going to win the Kentucky Derby! haha! (But I’m still not saying you couldn’t play in the major leagues…)

      • Mooselicker says:

        If all the players get drafted into war and that whole flat feet thing keeps me out of it I might have a chance! I could always pay $50 and tryout for the Camden Riversharks Independant League team. You always know a team is big time when they make people pay to tryout.

  2. robpixaday says:

    You know, it’s possible that someday in the future students will be studying your writings, enthralled by the wisdom there.

    Here: Lamarck, de Saint-Simon,Schopenhauer,Whately, Austin, Comte, Feuerbach,
    de Morgan,Darwin,Fuller.,Kierkegaard.,Thoreau, and Mooselicker.
    (I took most of the list from Wikipedia)

    Very deep, this post. Insightful.
    From my perspective, the delusion thing usually changes over time, the way how we define “success” and “happiness” does. Self-knowledge takes a while, too, for most people.

    And now you’ve got me looking out for people in be-chained black capes. Should I compliment the guy, if I see one? Tell him it’s dandy? Or lay it on the line: “Dude, you lost that game in the dugout. Forfeit!”

    Splendid essay, Sir Mooselicker!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Rob(in)! I feel less intimidated that you had to get a lot of those names from Wikipedia. I think the only one there you listed that I have ever heard of is Stone Cold Steve Austin. My the wisdom that man had. (please know I’m joking and am very well aware that Austin is for Larry Austin, my high school janitor)

      If you see such a man I would say nothing. He’s probably an angry young man. Probably a sweet guy on the inside but he’s looking for a reasno to hate you. You could always warn him of a dragon two blocks over. Slaying a dragon gives him bonus points in the world he dwells within.

  3. I believe that I’m delusional. Does that make me delusional? And is that even a bad thing at all? Maybe it’s just people’s way of coping. They have to believe in something just to validate that they could do it, you know, believe. Or maybe it’s just their way of finding their place in the society. There wouldn’t be normal clothes-wearing people if there are no cape-wearing people at all. It’s a yin-yang thing. And maybe we are the ones being delusional thinking what we do is the normal thing when in fact it isn’t? Who the hell knows. As you said, it’s impossible to tell.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I blame the Matrix. They created a world where it was right to wear cape things. All of us normal dressed folk in our sweaters and capri pants are the ones living in a dream world run by a computer.

      I don’t think you’re delusional but maybe we’re both delusional so that cancels it out. Unless you think I’m delusional then that makes you delusional anyway because if someone who doesn’t think you are—okay I’m starting to lose where I was but you get the point.

  4. Drunk Moose says:

    You forgot to add people who wake up when it’s dark out.
    Also, there’s this girl with blue hair who wears a cape rainbow socks and about 10 other pieces of clothing I see at school allt he time. And it’s not even in a good way. She just looks crazy

    • Mooselicker says:

      I didn’t forget them. Some people like getting up early. Not me. I hate catching the worm. They taste weird.

      Dressing like that is only hot when the girl looks like she should be a preppy bitch but is instead crazy.

  5. Cafe says:

    Yeah, it’s hard to know whether you’re delusional. Many of us like to think the best of ourselves, while many others don’t know how to do that. Hopefully there is such thing as a happy medium, but if I had to pick one or the other … I’ll go with being delusional =P

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ignorance really can be bliss at times. The medium is always the best with anything. Think you’re better than you really are but also know that sometimes you will fail. Maybe thinking you have a lot of potential and at the same time thinking you haven’t reached that potential is the best? That way you’ll always strive to be better while still thinking you stink.

  6. Too many words… we talked about that. I am confused about the Latin prefix of ‘de’, which I thought meant to remove from, or to take out of or away from… as it DEcontaminate. So delusional mean free from lusions? Even if it relates to illusions, it seems to mean ‘without illusions’, which would be the opposite of what we use that word as.

  7. Addie says:

    I’m sensing a streak of grey time for you right now. Is everything all right?

  8. Lily says:

    Now you’ve got me really scared that I might be delusional and I just haven’t realized it yet! I don’t think I am though. I know what you mean about people wearing those capes. It’s such a studied look. Those people are screaming from the inside, “Hey look at me! Please look at me! Give me a weird look and stare.” Part of me thinks it’s good when people are confident even when no one else believes in them. But another part of me is like, Ew please stop. So idk.

    • Mooselicker says:

      None of us know. You have to be delusional enough in life to achieve anything but also not so delusional that everyone is always talking behind your back. We need more stories about a 40 year old tyring something they shouldn’t be able to do then failing. It’s more realistic but I guess we like the one in a million stories anyway so that would never work. I blame hope. Hope should have escaped Pandora’s Box with rape and murder.

      P.S. Why would anyone put hope in the same box as really bad things?

  9. renxkyoko says:

    I’m delusional. I’m a manga reader.U.U I delude myself that someday, I’ll get some guy who looks like Eros. j/k

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