Friends Of Friends

Posted: May 14, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Kevin Bacon is an actor with a strange-looking nose. On a petite girl with stunning dark hair, this nose might be attractive. On the dude from Tremors, it’s odd. There was a book written called “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.” Actually I’m not sure if it was so much written as it was handed to Moses on top of a mountain. Basically the book is about how you can connect any actor to Kevin Bacon within six people. How many trees were killed for that I wonder. In real life we have similar Kevin Bacon like connections. We meet friends of friends. Sometimes they’re good. Sometimes they’re bad. More often than not they’re awkward.

 (Matthew Lillard, this is your future. Except Kevin Bacon still gets roles and you’re living off of Dead Man’s Curve royalties)

Rarely do I make good with friends of friends. It’s weird. What do we have in common? We get free rides from the same doofus. That doesn’t mean we should talk or respect each other. I always feel uncomfortable talking with a friend of a friend. We’re both phony and have nothing more to do than ask each other about work or the last time we were forced into talking for 5 minutes. Certainly we’re not going to spend our time talking about how great our mutual friend is. Except in cases where we want to let that friend of our friend know that our mutual friend likes us better. I’ll make up lies and say that the person we have in common must like me better because I know his deepest darkest secret. My rival will retort by telling me that he IS the deep dark secret. Does it make you a better friend to be the one who has been told about the hidden homosexual relationship or to be the one in that relationship? I’d really like to know. I may be owed money.

People not named Me can be more normal in these situations. They will actually enjoy the company of friends of friends. I know, crazy right? If you’re one of these people be warned, you do not want to become a friend poacher. When Person A is friends with Person B and Person C then Person B starts talking to Person C without Person A around this is poaching. It’s a terrible social crime. I think I’ve mentioned it before. I probably posted a hilarious photograph of an elephant getting shot too. Or a delicious egg. Women are more friend poachers than men are. Women will go shopping with a friend of a friend because women hate being alone. Just because a bathroom can fit two people doesn’t mean it should. Why is it that women hate being alone? Doesn’t that mean you’ll not only get raped but also have to watch the same thing happen to your friend again? This must be what they mean when they say women are bad at math.

(No Helen. 5 times 4 does not equal 89 + 832 x 512 – 90387562)

Whenever someone introduces me to their friend, as their friend, I am weary. I feel like they have some sick fantasy where all three of us take a road trip. Maybe we can get lost in the woods Blair Witch style. Get into a fight over which of us gets to ride the tandem bike we find inside a dumpster. I feel like I’m being set up with this friend. My friend must have cancer. There’s no other reason why he’d let me meet his other friends. That’s his other separate world. That’s where he keeps the comic book geeks, the corporate schmucks, and fat girls he’s too embarrassed to be seen at the mall in his hometown with. Let me be that other part of your life. Let it be just the two of us. We can even sing the song of the same name. But please, don’t make me have a conversation with someone who knows you as something that you’re not.

(Wow it all makes sense now. Will Smith was trying to get rid of Jada for years)

The scariest thing about friends of friends is when you’re the one being introduced. You never know what those people think of you. Has your friend done a good job in describing your personality? I had a girl say to me once “Wow, you’re as funny as I was told!” Then we talked a little bit more and we grew to hate each other. Did I blow it? I don’t care. We were never meant to be friends. I think we were only introduced as confirmation that both of us existed. I’m still not positive if she was real or not. I never met her in person and she made all of the same typos online that my friend would make. But why question it? I can’t go back in time and not have cybersex with her and/or him.

What do you really think of the friends of your friends? I almost always find them stupid and wonder how the one I’ve come to like had slipped through the cracks. How someone cool around me can be so lame surrounded by the “Friday Night Crew.” If your group of friends has a nickname and you take it very seriously please Thelma and Louis yourselves off a canyon. I know there were only two of them, but you can always go off in pairs.

  1. AgrippingLife says:

    I think women feel that friend’s of friends are automatically their friends. I have a friend Margaret who goes out of her way to connect everyone. She gets so excited when two of her friends bond. It’s like building a family. I’ve thought on occasion that Margaret’s funeral will be standing room only, it will be filled to the gills. I, on the other hand, only like a few treasured people in my life. I’m much more of a loner. But you’re right, women for the most part are way more social, they’re able to talk about deep personal issues on a first meeting. Men, not so much. And as a little side bar, I’ve met Kevin Bacon. He’s much taller than you’d imagine. I think he’s like 6’4″ or taller?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Would Kevin Bacon be at her funeral? If she’s doing her job right she’s only one or two degrees away from him. I used to make comics in 3rd grade where Kevin Bacon was a piece of bacon and would get killed at the end of the six panels each time. I don’t know why I hated him so much. Hollow Man is one of my guilty pleasures.

      • It wouldn’t surprise me if he was at her funeral. She knows random people like Jane Seymour and Emeril Lagasse, that chef guy. That’s so funny about the strips of bacon! He must trigger something in you that makes you hate him! I find that whenever people really dislike a celebrity it’s because there’s a little piece of them that they identify with. haha!

  2. The truth is, you never know who you are going to like. I am more curious how you made the friends you do have in the first place.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I only have one friend and we became friends in kindergarten because we were the only 5 year olds who were huge Mel Brooks fans. Other friends I’ll usually find the weakest and attach myself to him and slowly drain his resources. Then I jump from new person to new person in whatever group this is. I’m a flea.

  3. Addie says:

    I am guilty of thinking, Oh, I know a friend of yours, so, HELLO!! I’m learning that’s not such a good idea.

    As far as meeting Kevin Bacon (or anyone else) the best I can do is that I’m watching Bette Midler on HBO right now, so, you can say you know someone who watched Bette in a televised concert. I held my phone up when she sang The Rose

    • Mooselicker says:

      There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just as wrong to poach a friend as it is to be angry when your other friends end up liking each other more.

      How do I know you’re a true Bette Midler fan? You knew a song other than Wind Beneath My Wings.

  4. Addie says:

    Dearest Mooselicker,

    Are you okay? You’ve been MIA for a bit, and I’m starting to worry. Do I need to call in the troops (think Lisa and Lily) and come looking for you??

    With concern and care,


    • Mooselicker says:

      I thought about not responding for a few more days after seeing this to see if some kind of fundraiser to help find me would turn up. I was away on a mini-vacation is all. No need to call in the cavalry. I haven’t Nick Stahl’ed on the world.

  5. Addie says:

    I was going to lay claim to your computer if you didn’t show up soon.

    As for the Divine Miss M–I know many of her songs, including ‘Hello In There’ (written by the great John Prine) and ‘Miss Otis Regrets’. She’s swell.

  6. Lily says:

    I’m kind of the opposite. I’ll usually end up liking my friend’s friends more than my original friend. I was friends with this girl from my church and I eventually met 3 of her friends from school and I went through cycles with each one of them being my best friend. Super weird. But I know what you mean, sometimes there’s this feeling of having to prove you’re their BEST best friend.

    • Mooselicker says:

      My girlfriend is the same way with one of her friends. She loves all of his friends. They don’t exactly end up become really close but they get along great and like each other more than the mutual dud in between. Friends of friends are probably too much like ourselves. As wonderful as I am, I don’t know if I could stand having too many friends who could be my psychological twin.

  7. Meeting friends of friends is just the second worst thing after meeting your friends.

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