Sorry if you read the title and thought this said “Steaks” instead of “Streaks.” I guess though if you have some debilitating disease where that’s the problem you also thought the first word of this post was “Soy.” Now you’re especially hungry. Nothing is more delicious than soy. Killing and eating animals is natural. We’ve been doing it since the beginning of bread. If you don’t eat meat you’re being a jerk to the local bread companies. You asshole. Enjoy your soy and tofu in hell you socialists.

(I eat steak because I love my country. Go to one of them vegan countries like Greenland if you got a problem with my national pride)

Streaks come in many different forms. Like dead people, they’re everywhere. The most common form of the word streak comes from sports. I like sports streaks. Some of them are so incredibly legendary and never to be broken. Joe Dimaggio once got a hit in 56 straight games. I’m sure Marilyn Monroe was happy that he was taking his slugging elsewhere for two months as she lowered herself onto her knees for the Kennedy Brothers. I know Brett Favre also has some amazing games played streak. Nothing compared to that of Cal Ripken Jr. I don’t know enough about football or Brett Favre to really be sure. I do know that he has a tiny unphotogenic cock. I’m sure there’s some streak there he has going. Sending the most dick pictures to sideline reporters? Hey, it’s something to add to the resume.

If you’re unlucky you’ve probably at some point in your life looked at your tighty whities and seen a streak. This is caused by improper wiping of your anus. My dad was guilty of this. We’d call his brown streaks “black beauty.” You know, like the graceful horse. I don’t know what it is but at one point in my life I too had a struggle with streaks. I would get yelled at by my mom each time she’d find underwear that looked like Holocaust pajamas. I’d go to great lengths for her not to find my shit stained underwear. I’d hide them in a shoebox under my bed and wait until she did laundry then toss them in. I think this is why teenage boys are bought boxer shorts. After 13 years of looking at their little boy’s poop, moms have had enough.

(Is that a shit stain on the back of your boxers? No it’s Mario’s mustache! Is that a mushroom poking out of the front of your boxers? No it’s the end of my–)

You can add “er” to the word streak and you get streaker. These are daring individuals who either have some strange fetish or have lost a college bet. I would never go streaking. I have a tad bit of dignity left and I want to cradle that close and in clothing. I’ve never seen a streaker in person either. I’ve seen woman flash their breasts, but never someone ran by with their dong flapping by. Why do people on TV always find streakers amusing? I’d be so fucking annoyed. If I was at my staining his underwear with shit son’s football game and some stoner decided to streak across the field I would pull him down by the neck hair for wasting my time with his awful display of physical comedy. Streakers have to be careful these days. I think if you streak in front of a kid you are arrested for making a child grow up too fast. They ask their parents hard questions like “Where do babies comes from?”, “What’s that thing called?”, and “Should I be feeling as aroused right now as I do?” Here’s a tip. If a child uses the word aroused, they don’t need much explaining.

Objects can streak. Cars streak across the road and into a guard rail. Comets streak across the sky and into earth killing all of life. Animals have things on them sometimes that look like streaks. These are called stripes. Since animals don’t wear clothes, they’re always streaking so this is relevant fodder. The most popular of striped animals is the zebra. Nobody’s favorite animal is the zebra though. They’re very forgettable. Nobody really kills a zebra for anything is probably why. Elephants give us pianos. Deer give us trophies for our walls. Snakes give us belts/joke dildos. You wouldn’t kill a zebra and use the flesh as a striped shirt. I mean, it would make things easier on people but that’s so cruel. We already kill alligators for footwear and handbags. Women are evil.

(Quit smiling and get ready for my foot up your ass)

I hope you learned a lot about streaks today. Maybe I have inspired you to get your own streak going. Remember, there’s a difference between a record and a streak. A streak takes consistency and stamina. Yeah, that’s not you, is it? Perhaps instead I have reminded you of why your asshole is itching so badly. Cha-Cha-Cha over to a piece of Charmin and clean that butt mister! Your mom will thank you. For the more daring of those reading this, you’ll probably go out and run around naked. Kudos to you! I hope you get hit by a car and die that way. Finally there are those who have learned about the horrors of how we treat animals. You’ll probably start a petition to help save the whales, the clumsy fat girl of the animal kingdom. You will not succeed. Nobody cares about the whales. Why would we? What have they ever done for us other than throw their piss water in our faces?

  1. Oh, Lord, what is this guy gonna talk abou… Sorry, did I say that out loud? You know how I comment from the top of your posts down, doing a line and then going up again to read some more? Well, I had a premature discharge of commentary…. ummm… my mike was ‘hot’, and I uh.. ok, let me go read your stirring, uplifting thoughts on cow meat… I will be right back…
    Wait, never mind, I did think you said steaks…
    Or maybe it is about steaks… very tricky…
    Nope, not about steaks…
    Seriously, anal leakage is not the same as poor posterior hygiene… it could be a legitimate medical condition…
    At this point I am thinking that not every word has to be analyzed to such a degree, but if you had to, steak might have been the way to go…. seriously, do steaks next time…
    Animals can have streaks on them as well… have you ever seen professional bull riding, those bulls have anal leakage problems that you wouldn’t believe…
    I have consis… well, I have some stami… oh, never mind…
    Once again, your positive, upbeat ending has subtly altered the tone of your entire message…

    • Mooselicker says:

      I read your comment in a Morgan Freeman voice. I’m concerned for his well-being. He’s all over the place.

      I was hoping some stranger would comment on steaks. It would be one of those causes were there’s no doubt they only read the first paragraph. Or looked at the first picture. I hate those people. But not you. You leech onto every word.

      • I suck your marrow and drink your blood… like a vampire-zombie-leech. And I am glad we can joke with each other without getting all defensive… well, I did once, but it was only pretend.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Yeah it’s pretty hard to get me upset over words. Through pouring your art out you have earned my respect.

  2. breezyk says:

    whenever I think about streaking I think about Frank the Tank from Old School….
    bring your green hat!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Whenever I think of Old School I always think of being drunk and not finishing the movie. It’s only like an hour and 20 minutes. Such lightweights.

  3. Smaktakula says:

    Favre’s cock appeared larger due to his ability to throw a football. I’m not sure how that works.
    Also, it makes sense that whales are the clumsy fat girls of the animal kingdom, because they have such great personalities.

  4. Lily says:

    Thanks for playing with my dyslexia. I read the word Streaks but then I saw a picture of a steak and had to double check. So confusing. I like your streak observations. Especially the streaks on underwear. Girls never get streaks but guys always do. Women may be evil, but at least we can wipe.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Our bad on that. I bet that’s been a problem since the dawn of time. Men probably didn’t even realize it until they had to start doing laundry sometime in the 1970s or whenever it was that women started becoming lesbians and abandoning males.

  5. BuddhaKat says:

    I’d watch out for beef growers (or is that cow growers?) (or cow girls?) from TX for a while, dude. Let me know if you need Dr. Phil’s email address.


  6. renxkyoko says:

    Mooselicker, there’s a joke circulating among Filipinos…. check out the toilet/bathroom of a Filipino home, 100 % sure you’ll find the ubiquitous TABO, a water scoop. I’ve talked about this on my blog, lol. After cleaning up with toilet paper, Filipinos wash their butts with soap and water. It’s a slice of our culture that we’ve brought here to the US….. so yep, no brown streaks whatsoever. Try it.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I actually don’t mind this tradition. Sometimes I’ll shower after. It’s not so much a tradition as it is not wanting itchies in certain places.

      Filipinos have clean assholes. That’s got to be the friendliest stereotype.

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