Fighting rules. I don’t care what anybody says. Seeing two men slug it out with their firsts, a couple arguing at a restaurant with their words, or a schizophrenic smashing his own head into a tree while his second personality dukes it out with his ninth is awesome. As cool as fighting is we’re told that it’s bad. We get suspended from school and asked to clean out our desks by the end of the afternoon when we do it. When two people can’t fight and get their rage out on each other something so terrible happens. They begin a war of passive aggressiveness. Going back and forth with snide comments, not being completely truthful about the problem at hand, and overall acting like children.
I don’t remember hearing the term passive aggressive until the last few years. The only thing I could relate it to would be the phrase “beat around the bush.” This doesn’t mean slugging ex-presidents in the face or bitch slapping a hairy vagina. The phrase conjures up the image of a man hitting a bush, as in shrub, with a long black stick. What it means is that you’re not being straightforward. You’re beating around the bush instead of doing the normal thing and jabbing the stick straight into the center of the bush to kill the squirrel. Beating around the bush and being passive aggressive solves nothing. All you’re left with is a bush missing its little green things. I refuse to call what a bush has leaves. If you can’t easily rake it into a pile and urinate on top knowing a child will later jump in, it’s not a true leaf.
(Guarantee one of these kids ends up having a tossed into the air cat turd land in their face)
Mostly the passive aggressive people I encounter are children. Not all of these “children” lack pubic hair and wear Donald Duck underpants still. A member of the children population to me is anyone who behaves the way you’d expect someone who still thinks you must pee inside of a woman’s butt to impregnate her would. Activities such as tattling, wearing shoes untied, and mistaking freckles for shit stains on their hands join in with being passive aggressiveness. These children will be angry at someone else. Instead of saying “That makes me angry because–” they’ll leave little hints about their displeasure because someone didn’t go to their dead parent’s funeral. My rule, if you never met the person then there’s no need to go to the funeral. I would hate it if people I didn’t like went to my death celebration. The only thing worse would be people I never even met. I swear, if someone I don’t know shows up at mine, I’m haunting them.
Every high school and college girl I know/have known is extremely passive aggressive. And like with the definition of children, my definition of girl is different from yours. A girl is anyone whose ass I could easily kick. My fighting style is mostly squirming and quick foot work. I can shuffle my feet with the best of them. Humans who lose to me in a fight have to be the outer shells of ovaries. I think girls this age are passive aggressive because they still have hope that one day everyone will like them. At a certain age, women stop giving a shit if they’re liked or not. They are no longer passive aggressive, as much. When someone pisses them off they’ll tell that person how angry they are. Then they get put in a nursing home and the rest of the family lives burden free. Kind of sad, but at least now you understand why so many young women can be cruel.
(Joan Rivers is 211 years old and isn’t afraid to tell you that she does not like you. All she fears is losing her heavenly voice)
Facebook is the home to a lot of passive aggressiveness. Instead of telling your ex how much you hope they die, people will post song lyrics. Songs about being hurt but how you’re a stronger person without them around. I hate songs like this. I don’t need to be reminded that Sting has relationship trouble. What’s that say for my future when he has thoughts of failure? He’s fucking Sting! He has a wrestler named after him. Muhammed Ali would frequently mention his name during taunting interviews explaining his abilities. A more sane thing to do to get back at someone is not publicly post about how much of a wimp you are. Why are people online so obsessed with letting everyone know about their emotions? This is why art sucks so much. We pass up on creating something beautiful and use our anger to complain or post frowny faces. The only time you should post a frowny face is when you want to let people know you’ve just had a stroke.
The best thing to do when people are being passive aggressive is to tell them to cut it out. Let them know they you get it, they’re mad. The problem is we’re so afraid of failure. Our own fears of failure mean we assume others will hate that failure. We’re nice enough that we don’t actually tell that person how much they suck. So we do it in a passive aggressive way. That ends up helping nothing. Next time someone screws up and does something that makes you angry, get angry. Passive aggressiveness is an oxymoron. You’re being aggressive yet passive about it all. What’s the keyword in oxymoron anyway? It’s moron. And that’s what you are. A moron with the social skills of an ox.
(Hey look, even an ox takes on their problems head-on. What’s your excuse?)