One day the world will end. No matter what you believe in this is fact. Something 6,000 years old, like earth, cannot possibly last too much longer. Armageddon is nearing. A homeless guy with a sign told me so. He believes that the end is nigh so badly that he was willing to take the door off his home and write about it in his own feces to warn others. Of course the door to his home is a cardboard sign. I think it used to be a Cap’n Crunch box. What he couldn’t tell me was how everything would come to an end. That’s my mission today. To scare paranoid people.

The most obvious way the world will end is like that movie The Happening. Flowers and trees will convince people to commit suicide. I don’t get how a patch of grass could ever control somebody’s survival instincts. What a bad movie. M. Night shouldn’t be allowed to make movies without ghosts. And Bruce Willis has to get shot by a naked guy in the bathroom in the opening scene to all of these. It’s the perfect formula to a memorable movie.

(From the film The Sixth Sense when Patrick Swayze suffocates himself with the palm of his own hand)

Actually, I think the most plausible way for the world to end would be a meteor. It happened before. Millions of years ago. It crashed into the Yucatan Peninsula which is located right next to Mexico. Darn! Poor meteor travels all this way to take out Mexico and it just misses. We’re probably due for a meteor to crash into us. Occasionally they do smash into earth and cause inconvenience. I know there was a bad one in Russia around 100 years ago. It burned down a forest. So a meteor’s impact is about as powerful as a man chucking a cigarette out the window into a pile of leaves. When did the power of a meteor decline so badly? You used to kill dinosaurs and The Flinstones. Get your act together meteorites! You’re an embarrassment to all things catastrophic.

Floods, fires, diseases, and volcanic eruptions are the boring ways for us all to die. Floods sound too thirst quenching. Fires can be prevented by stop, dropping, and rolling. Catching a deadly disease means you need to stop shaking so many hands. And the only volcanic eruption we need to worry about is the one in Yosemite. Supposedly that entire National Park is something called a super volcano. Don’t let the word super fool you. Usually super means good. Like Superman or Super Fresh. A super volcano does not rescue orphans or offer great weekly deals. It explodes then causes a chain reaction of other calamities. My knowledge of Yosemite may or may not come from the movie 2012. Best part of that movie, nothing bad happened to Africa. That’s where they say that they were going to head off to. I’m sure those Warlords will be thrilled to see John Cusack show up with the wealthiest white people in the world.

(The African Welcoming Committee, headed by Joseph Francis Kony)

More recently it has been thought that computers may kill us all. If anything the computers will make us all sterile. We’re more likely to have a Children of Men on our hands than a Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Can’t we always defeat them by throwing water or coffee onto the robots? I can’t even sweat onto a keyboard without it giving me problems. Some believe that it will not necessarily be big giant cyborgs attacking us. The more likely scenario would be that every electronic device breaks. We’ll be scrambling around to find solar-powered toasters. Probably start eating each other out of our lack of crispy morning treats. Pillsbury will be out of business. I guess we won’t care too much. The only way they’d be able to advertise at that point is via billboard. We’ll all be too busy unwrapping television cords from around our children’s necks to take notice of the latest marketing scheme.

There are more science fiction-type ways for the world to come to a conclusion. Things like alien invasions or nuclear holocausts. It would be kind of funny if we use our nukes to kill the aliens but it kills us all at the same time. Funny probably isn‘t the correct word but I‘m running out of steam here. The likely hood of aliens invading seems to me like it would have already happened by now. Aliens never procrastinate. A nuclear holocaust is very likely. I would place a bet that this is how the world will eventually come to an end. Is it wrong to gamble on the extinction of the human race? I’m over 21 so it’s probably legal.

(Say what you want, this is a gorgeous way for us to all die)

How do you hope the world ends? I’d mark out for a zombie uprising. The way you kill zombies always tips everyone off on how creative of a person you are.

  1. This super post is making me super hahaha. And I’m super looking forward to a long bout of depression because I can’t contact my mom who lives 10 paces away because my phone breaks. And I super pity The Flintstones. 😦

  2. Well, if you’re Christian then you believe that Jesus Christ will return (the 2nd coming) and there will be a showdown of sorts between good and evil. (I think all these Marvel comic films are preparing us.) Then there will be 1000 years of peace with Jesus running the show. I’d like to be here for that! Then I think the world gets restored to it’s original splendor, like the Garden of Eden. The Lamb will lie down with the Lion, etc. So basically lots to look forward to! haha!

    *The # 1 sign to look for while awaiting the 2nd coming is the fall of Israel. Watch for it! Seems like we’re getting close thanks to Iran.

    DISCLAIMER – I sometimes confuse the stuff that’s supposed to happen but this gives you a rough idea.

    • Mooselicker says:

      So in a way the Iranians are the good guys helping to usher in a time of peace, sort of.

      I remember on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries they suggested that there was some Bible Code saying a war would begin in Saudi Arabia in 2005 and that would help bring upon the Apocalypse. Looks like they were looking too far into things.

  3. Honey Badgers will rule the world. Just because…Then there will be a stick bug apocalypse. They will anally penetrate people in their sleep and cause intestinal mayhem. It will bring a whole new meaning to having a stick up your butt. Fortunately that will happen in seventy-one years. I plan to be dead in another seventy.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Stick Bug Apocalypse sounds like it could be some computer game from the 1980s. See, it would need very simple graphics. Ones on the scale of sticks.

      I doubt I will live 71 years longer. I’d be nearly 100! That’s like 40 years of watching Matlock. I don’t think they had enough seasons.

  4. Computers will definitely kill us! Internet will spread subliminal messages (‘KILL YOURSELF’) and then we’ll all die and computers will rule the world!

    Or, eehm, we’re all too anti-social due to Internet and then we don’t amke children anymore. Quiet possible too…

    • Mooselicker says:

      That could be possible. Pornography becomes so incredibly awesome and realistic that it’s no longer a gateway to sex but a replacement instead. I’m still not sure though. There are too many children out there who are full blown mistakes. Correct that. Accidents. Mistakes sounds too harsh.

  5. renxkyoko says:

    How do I HOPE the world ends ? I want it quick. An asteroid the size of Texas hitting the planet.

    Oh, I don’t think Yosemite is a super volcano. ( I hope not. ) We live just an hour and a half from there. U_U

    • Mooselicker says:

      Well if it is a Super Volcano like Woody Harrelson says then it’ll be very quick for you. I’ll have to live in darkness for a little bit. Possibly eat an old person. The scary thing about an asteroid would be knowing it was coming. I wonder if scientists would even tell us. Or we’d look up into the sky one day and say “Gee I wonder what that could be” then we’re dead.

  6. How come right after I make a post about being paranoid you make it your mission to scare paranoid people? You see how this just proves how much sense paranoia makes?
    I think Yellowstone is a super duper volcano, not Yosemite, but maybe they both are. That would be super duper indeed.
    Maybe the robots and the aliens will fight, and just as they are all about to die, we will blow them up with a nuclear weapon, which will set of the two super duper volcanoes, ad they will blow each other out like big candles. Then we will be fine. Till the meteorite comes the next day.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Yellowstone…Yosemite. Both places far away that start with the letter Y.

      I hope you didn’t just give away the plot to your book you’ve written.

      • I am feeling guilty because I didn’t give you the inspirational blogger award. You crack me up. You make me think. You even offend me sometimes, but in a good way. I know I have passed on awards to you before, and maybe you deserve this one, but I ran out of people, and I try to spread it around.

      • Mooselicker says:

        No worries. I’ve done enough posts based on awards. I’m the kind of person who likes to be invited to the funeral. Even if they don’t want me showing up, I like that invitation.

      • You can come to mine. Print this up and use it to get in. If you outlive me, that is…ha

      • Mooselicker says:

        I don’t have children and take fish oil pills. It’s looking good for me!

      • I take fish oil. Maybe we are brothers. You will be my younger sibling, the one who mom makes me let tag along all summer when me and my friends are trying to do sneaky fun stuff. We will use you to test how safe our ideas are. Just like a real brother.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I don’t look too bad with an afro. An electric shock could do me good.

      • How are you at falling from high heights, and eating strange objects?

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    If that mushroom cloud is the last thing I see, it’ll be a worthy way to die. The worlds not going to end in our life time, on December 2012 the Mayans will ultimately be wrong and we’ll see 2013, we’re just too unlucky for otherwise.

    Wouldn’t it have been cool if SkyNet was real?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Yesterday was actually the anniversary of some zealot who last year said the Rapture would happen on that day. 367 days later (thank you leap year) he’s had egg on his face.

      SkyNet is real. It’s called Apple.

  8. Lily says:

    What if all of those things happened (aliens, volcanoes, meteors, floods, fires, etc) and THEN there’s the second coming. And all the people that survive go to heaven.

    • Mooselicker says:

      This almost sounded like the pitch to a Rob Schneider movie. He ends up being left behind with all of those who will be saved. But he corrupts them or something. Maybe have him turn into a carrot or stapler ala South Park. I know there was an end of the world Rob Schneider movie that was supposed to come out where he was the last man on earth. I guess he was too big a star for that?

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