Like every other red, white, and blue blooded American, I love a bargain. I hate paying full price for anything. Maybe that doesn’t so much make me American as it does cheap. When the United States spends as much money as we did to build all those nukes only to never use them, cheap isn’t a word to describe us. All that money spent on warheads could have been used to feed starving children in other countries. We would even give them those sour Warhead candies so they know the sacrifice as a nation we made for them.
(We took away much of our defense so that naked Third World children could make sour puss faces)
When I grocery shop I always hunt for the bargains. Prices of food don’t influence me all that much at the store. I know what I like and I’m not going to fall for their witchcraft into convincing me that I like frozen peas just because they’re 2 for $3. If something I buy is on sale though I will stock up on it. That also doesn’t influence my eating habits very much. All that happens is I eat a little too much and by the end of the week I’m naked in front of the mirror swearing that I only eat things that are “unprocessed” from now on.
Here’s a light question for you. How long before you frequent a place do you think a discount should be given? I went to the same Subway 3-4 days a week for 4 years and never once got a discount. They’re friendly there, but never did I get charged a smaller price. Instead they raised prices. Probably knowing that I’d still pay 50 cents more. There was another Subway that I went to and my second trip there I was given a discount. The girl, we’ll call her Amber because I fell in love with her and learned her name because she was really hot and would talk to me, gave me this discount. She said “I remember you from last week!” She was an adorable little blonde covered in piercings. The last time I went there was Halloween 2009. I said to her “Maybe sometime I’ll eat my sandwich here and keep you company!” Pulling out my dick and threatening to urinate on her would have received a better reaction. Oh well. I saved a dollar 2 weeks in a row.
My problem with discounts is that I am not a good haggler. I had a science teacher who claimed to haggle down the price of an Eyewitness News jacket at the mall. He said he went in there every day for a month until they gave it to him half price. Where the fuck do you go to get an Eyewitness News jacket? What horrendous store sells this crap? And who buys it? The teacher was as Jewish as a person could be. He’d drop Yiddish words out of nowhere to describe the biology of different species. He even carried around a bag full of buttons claiming they were his friends. I didn’t get this until much later on in life. At first I thought it was a sick Holocaust joke. Turns out, he was crazy.
(If the Nazis turned prisoners into these buttons we’d probably like them a bit more)
Each time I get my oil changed the man there without teeth tells the man there with one eyebrow to give me $10 off. Normally this would be a good discount. Then I get my bill and it’s somehow $40 more than I was expecting. I never trust a discount when it comes to cars. Car insurance really should cover these car repairs. At least the ones that aren’t our own faults. Like you should get four free oil changes a year. If they find something wrong and it wasn’t your fault, it gets repaired for free. I’ve already declared that if by the time I’m 70 I haven’t gotten in a car wreck that I will go on a vehicular manslaughter spree. You know, to make the $1200+ dollars I’ve spent on insurance a year worth something.
“But because I like you, I’ll give it to you for–” add in the amount the criminal sleazebag is willing to chop the price down to. Nobody has ever told me that they liked me so much that I would get a lower price. I’ve had to buy a Sunday paper and search through the coupon section to get mine. I don’t think anybody has ever started any sentence by saying that they liked me before the first punctuation. Most people giving out these amazing deals are such con-artists anyway. If you can give it to me for so cheap, why wasn’t it that way in the first place? I always think of that part in A Christmas Story when the Christmas tree salesman and the dad haggle. It ends up with the Christmas tree salesman having to tie the tree to the roof of the car. The whole scene cements my feelings on people who are able to give bargains. They’re cunning and other things words that start with the letters C-U-N. Most people like that movie because it reminds them of Christmas. I like it because it reminds me not to trust anyone.
(Especially not Schwartz and his triple dog dares)
Is there any place you frequently get a discount at? Remember, it doesn’t count if you put a dead bug in your own food.