Big Announcements

Posted: May 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Whenever someone tells me that they have a big announcement I am always nervous. I worry the girl I am secretly still in love with is getting married and will forever not be mine. Then my mind plays more games. I worry that she’s getting a sex change and that I will forever be in love with a married in-sexual-limbo creature. My big announcement today is I have no big announcement. See? I told you big announcements were always disappointing.

(Do not let this sweet fragile face fool you. She was a bad girl this year. That’s why instead of a birthday cake she gets canned spinach)

The best way to make a big announcement is at a holiday dinner. The family will gossip about rival families. If you’re Catholic you’ll probably get into a fist fight or two. The proper way to get attention is to grab an eating utensil and tap it 2-3 times onto a glass. Not very hard of course. Enough to make a springing sound. Like when your uncle taps on his glass eye to freak you out. The family will turn to you and then you can give them the big announcement. But what qualifies exactly as a big announcement? You don’t want to announce openly how you found a red crayon on the ground. You need to save these moments for very special occasions.

One big announcement is that you’re gay. Coming out of the closet on Thanksgiving is the stereotypical thing to do. Why Thanksgiving? Because you don’t miss out on presents. Worst case scenario, your mother takes away your food. But you’re gay anyway. You eat half slices and only eat carbs post-workout. You probably won’t care. Your family has a month to accept your lifestyle change and by the time Christmas rolls around your dad will have a new opinion on “those sinning queers.” He’ll have bought you something useful like a rubber fist or a pink shirt. Something he thinks gay people worship. But hey, he’s trying.

(Your dad will buy you this shirt for your job at the ass-less chaps factory)

As I mentioned in the opener of this, weddings are big announcements. I like calling weddings “the prologues to divorce.” Most people get a divorce at some point in their life. This wouldn’t be a problem if murder was legal. But where do you draw the line when it comes to murder? We can’t say that you can only murder someone you’re married to. Then people will be getting married only to murder enemies. It’s also not fair to gay people. They should be allowed to push someone off a building too! With technology now you don’t really have to announce your wedding. Most people find out about it via Facebook, Twitter, or Craigslist. I don’t recommend posting about your wedding on Craigslist. Prostitutes and guys selling dumbbells tend to show up.

Pregnancies are another huge announcement. This one you can’t wait too long. Otherwise people will start to think you’re fat and unfriend you. Or is it defriend? I’d ask a friend but none of them seem to answer their phones anymore. Except the one time I called from a pay phone. My buddy heard my voice and hung up immediately. Sucks for him. I had a great time at that amusement park alone. People are usually happier when you get pregnant than when you get married. Marriage makes someone a wimp. Having a kid makes someone hypnotized. Married people will complain about their spouses. Parents will talk nonstop about how great their children are. I never had that in my life though. As soon as I was born my parents cut out their own tongues. I guess they had some great intuition into how I would turn out.

In today’s only slightly worse economy but the media likes to run with the story that we’re going to need to go back to the gold standard world, getting a job can be huge. I remember when I first got my job. I ran around the office high-fiving everyone I could. I drove around town telling every stranger I spotted about it. The mailman, the convenience store clerk, the Nazi crossing guard all congratulated me. The thing about most jobs is after a while you start to hope the person you replaced enters one afternoon with a gun ready for revenge. A bullet pierces your lower back, paralyzing you for years. You collect a huge bonus and don’t have to work anymore. You can sit back with your feet up in the air (because lowering them could cause a hemorrhage) and enjoy life.

(Blonde hair, feet at attention, making the black child walk in the back. Clearly a Nazi. Even more freaky I found this picture from Google images off the page of someone who follows me when searching “Nazi crossing guard.” Weird but thank you Five Second Rules)

Other smaller moments in life can be big announcements. Achieving your dreams, buying a new house, poisoning a neighbor’s dog and successfully making it look like it was hit by a car are all noteworthy. I never have very many big announcements. I get happy enough at a poop taking less than 3 wipes. The problem is you can’t really show a picture to a friend of this achievement. It’s easy to doctor that moment.

(Doctored like the moon landing. I’m not sure how this proves Apollo 11 took place in Nevada. It only shows how much people hate happy Americans)

Maybe someday I will have a big announcement. You’ll all eagerly lean forward in anticipation. You’ll congratulate me on my achievements. Say things like “Way to go!” and “I always knew you could do it!” I’ll gloat with my chest out and go along with your fake sincerity. Then we’ll all find out that I was mistaken. I really didn’t succeed. My big announcement turns into a gigantic dud. You’ll laugh at my expense and I’ll go back to being a loser with nothing important to brag about. Unless you too love clean poops. Then bragging I shall do.

  1. renxkyoko says:

    One of the biggest announcement I heard last year was when MOm announced she wanted to go on Euro tour and she’d take me with her. That’s huge, huh.

  2. This post made me laugh! Funny read! I thought it would be really funny to sit my parents down, telling them I had a big announcement. I dragged my boyfriend along – to make up numbers – and announced… “Mum, Dad. . . . Ive bought a pet hamster.” My mumma nearly fainted with relief (think she was expecting a baby announcement – and at 18 she didnt want that for me) :’) Was so funny – this post made me think of that!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve been told I bring out the nostalgia in people. I’m glad you could enjoy it and relate this blog back to your own life.

      Don’t be a stranger!

  3. Andrew says:

    Fire always gets peoples attention. You can try carrying a torch for a great announcement. Or if you’re really committed, than light yourself on fire. I’m sure you can find a safe way to do that via google on some stunt man blog. Just throwing that out there.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Fire huh? It can make even the smallest of announcements seem like big ones. Extra chicken nugget in the box, light yourself on fire and it’s equal to the discovery of life on Mars.

  4. Naomi Judd announced that she was going to retire and never play music live anymore because she had hepatitis. Several months later she was playing again. What the…? Cher went into retirement too, only to later get herself a Vegas show? What kind of retirement is that?
    Lately, I get more excited about Breaking News because I imagine that it’s some global catastrophe, war, assasination, major celebrity death, etc. Now that’s the stuff I hold out for. haha!

    • Mooselicker says:

      For some people Cher retiring is equal to a catastrophic event. For others, namely me, it’s equivalent to whatever the most amazing thing ever would be. Do I believe in life after love? Yes. Yes I do. Stop asking me questions.

      I know Regis had a panic attack a few months back after Andy Rooney died. He went on about how he never will retire because he’s afraid he’ll die immediately after. Frightened Regis is awesome.

  5. Dude, I realized that when I see you have put up a new post, I always do the same thing. I let out a big sigh, and say, out loud, “Oh, here we go.” It is like getting ready for a Friday night in my young, crazy, drinking days. I knew I would have fun, but I also knew there was a good chance that I would wake in a gutter somewhere, with my money and a tooth missing, a horrible taste in my mouth, and a splitting headache. That may be the most sincere compliment I ever paid anyone in my life.
    So now you owe us a big announcement. I vote for you being gay, because I think your skin tone would totally work with that shirt.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m too light skinned to match a pink shirt. I’d look like a pig who died during birthing. Pink shirts look better on darker skinned males. Ones with killer biceps and a chest you can rest your head on all night long. I’m definitely not gay.

      And thanks for the compliment. Maybe.

  6. I can believe that bit about your parents. It’s easy to imagine they both cut off their tongues and magically tape it both to yours, really. On the other hand, I think I love announcements. I basically have to, it’s easier. I mean it’s just impossible to avoid them, isn’t it? Fuck Facebook.

    • Mooselicker says:

      People who like announcements usually also like surprises. A good announcement is a good surprise. But not all surprises are good. Pearl Harbor was a surprise for a lot of people. Not a very fun one.

  7. Nice work once again Mr Moose!

  8. The Hobbler says:

    Just curious how you feel about stalkers…no particular reason…

  9. Cafe says:

    Clean poops are definitely announcement-worthy =P
    Btw your nazi pic is not showing up.

  10. Lily says:

    Getting married has kind of a two part announcement. When you get engaged people go crazy. And it kind of builds you up for all the crazy that ensues when you get married. But I guess you only announce the engagement, not the marriage. Everyone just figures that comes next. I’m sure you’ll have a big announcement some time! Even if it is about poop.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If I marry poop will that make it not just a big announcement but a major one instead? I’d rather not find out. I’m sure I’d be committed to an asylum.

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