Guest Bloggers

Posted: June 1, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Today’s musings does not come from me. Instead it comes from a good friend of mine. He came to me asking if he could write something about being a hardworking single guy trying to make it in the fast-paced business world. I reminded him that he had no job and he stared at me blankly, probably not understanding a thing I said. He’s convinced I can reach a larger audience with this blog than he can on anything he could ever create. So today I present to you the ramblings of my dog, McGwire. It’s mostly him trying to pick up chicks. He’s definitely the Uncle Jesse in our Full House life we have.

(I don’t remember for sure, but I am almost definite I had to distract him with food here)

“Good Boys Finish Last”

By McGwire

I have been single for my entire life. 13 years and not a single lady has ever given me more than one date. A dog date is different than that of you humans. Dog dates consist of ass sniffing followed up with a little bit of oblivious humping of the female. Have you ever seen a female dog’s face while she receives a good roggering? She looks as if she’s done it a thousand times before. And yes, dogs say roggering. We’re all originally from England.

I think of myself as a good boy. A very good boy. Oh yes I am. Yes I am. I’ve heard it said that “nice guys finish last” which I guess is true. My owner, the one you call Mooselicker, is a very nice guy. Even though he poops with the door open and acts as if that make him better than me, he’s still pretty nice. He never forgets to give me a cookie after a walk. When I wake him up in the morning, on the fifth attempt he always gets up. He puts up with a lot about me. When he gets off the couch I always steal his spot. Not because I like wear he sits. I’m hoping he gives me a black eye and I can report him and enter a new home with someone who doesn’t walk around without his pants so much.

(Sometimes I wish I had three legs. I could get on album covers and have an excuse as to why I am so incredibly lazy)

I digress. As a good boy I feel like I too finish last. There are a lot of great things about me that most women and children find endearing. Yet the female dogs find me repulsive just because I’m a little chubby and have a disgusting skin tag hanging off the bottom of my snout. What happened to inner beauty? Well, not my innards. That’s mostly tumors and heartworms at this point. I eat cat poop the other day and even I find my insides vomit inducing. And if I was to vomit I would eat it up before anyone noticed because I am a good boy like that.

I am aware that many females read this blog. I have seen some of their photographs. It makes my lipstick (my red penis) poke out. Many of you would have a great time out on a date with me. I assure you of that. I don’t even have to wear my leash. The other day I escaped from my leash and instead of running away to freedom I ran back to the door where I knew I would survive. The world is a scary place. Next to the bed or on the couch is my comfort zone. Sometimes I even try to crawl behind the toilet. But that’s only when I hear fireworks. Those scare me tremendously.

(So loud and so bright! I think I’m going to go dog deaf then have a dog seizure)

Food is a big part of my life. Dog food, cat food, human food, frozen, heated up, in the garbage, dropped on the ground, out of my own butt I love food. Ideally I would like to take a woman out to eat somewhere we could both enjoy. I highly suggest eating plaid shirts or blankets. They are delectable! The best thing, your poop turns plaid. It’s very grunge, an era I know nothing about because I am a dog and my version of music is licking knees that come out of the shower.

The best part about me, and you slutty girls out there will really appreciate this, is I have no testicles. I lost them in a hazardous mishap. I was told that I was going to go for a car ride (one of my favorite things to do) then was taken to the doctors. They gave me a shot to my butt (which I didn’t mind, I love my butt rubbed, scratched, and spanked) and when I woke up my nuggets were gone. I still have the sack to prove it. A class action lawsuit is in the works as soon as I evolve into having thumbs. I’d cross my fingers in hopes that it happens soon but I don’t have those either.

A few other things you should know about me: I love to be baby talked to. If you blow in my face, I will try to kiss you. Don’t pick me up. I’ll groan then kick my fat legs. I swear like a sailor. I smoke pot so if you got a problem with that you can f*ck off. I am strongly opposed to gay marriage. Like really? Next thing you know a man will be trying to marry me. And sorry but I don’t swing that way. There’s a time and a place for everything. It’s called obedience school.

(How is this fun? They are all dressed similarly and things are entirely too dark. Not to mention I see little food present. Where are the blankets to lie down on? I will never understand Liberal Arts majors)

I’m open to doing a lot of new things with lots of new people. I even like fatties because I can use their bodies as a pillow for my heavy face. If I at all seem interesting to you then please let me know. I will be replying to your comments on this post. I hope to hear from you soon you whores.

Fin

Thanks to McGwire for writing up some material for me. Also thank you for not mentioning the time I sat on you naked. I know, it seemed like a good idea to us both at the time but things have been weird between us ever since. Sorry buddy!

(He must like me again if he’s willing to show me his disgusting stomach. Awww)

P.S. Special thanks to  The Hobbler for having nothing better to do than to stalk my blog yesterday. You managed to put my over the edge to make this yet another record breaking month as far as hits go! Also thank you to the random person who became my 200th follower. I’d link you but I’m pretty sure you will never comment. I will just say you look like you’re kissing actor John Hawkes on the header of your page. You can figure out who you are.

Comments
  1. Pete Howorth says:

    Hah, I can imagine you giving the female dogs some canine thick end, treating them like the dirty bitches they are!

    Stay single, keep humping.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Here! Here! to that.

      I’m getting old. I’m 13 now and incredibly fat. It’s amazing I’ve lived this long. I think I need to get out more. Visit parks or pounds. Places where the slutty ones hang.

  2. The Hobbler says:

    Thanks for mentioning me. For some strange reason, people keep linking to me when their stats jump. I should probably find a way to secretly stalk blogs. Anyway, nice to meet your dog. He’s cute.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sorry, but this is McGwire commenting. I would never link you to a blog I posted. Sorry, but I do not know you. Why am I saying sorry so much? I never apologize. Except when I get into the garbage. I know that’s a bad boy thing to do.

      • The Hobbler says:

        Sorry, I forgot I was talking to a dog. Um, okay, maybe I should speak your language…bacon…dripping grease all over the place. How’s that?

      • Mooselicker says:

        Do you hear that? It’s my tummy grumbling.

        What about that? It’s me begging to go outside immediately after gorging the food down.

      • The Hobbler says:

        Dogs…just so we understand eachother, I am actually a cat person. I don’t have a cat, but if I could, I would trade our dog in a heartbeat. Okay, maybe not, he has grown on me a bit, but cats are much better.

  3. That was pretty good!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you Michael Cargill. Sometimes my family calls me MC for short because they are lazy. Tim said this seemed like something you would write. I didn’t understand him when he said that. I went back to biting my groin.

  4. breezyk says:

    McGwire clearly has a future in publishing.

  5. Way too many words…
    Sometimes I wish I had three legs… but then again, at least I look like I do… (ha)…
    I think I like you better as a dog. For one thing, the lack of testicles will mellow you out. Maybe.
    Why did you sit on your dog naked? Please tell me it was an accident.
    Dogs can afford to be against gay marriage because they already have all the benefits. They live with you, you feed them, take them to the doctor, and sit on them naked. That is marriage in a nutshell.
    And stop stealing my stalkers, or I am coming over there with a pair of surgical scissors and you and your dog will have one more thing in common.
    Oh, and we can totally hook our dogs up. Shiloh is female, but still likes to hump other dogs heads, if they are her best friend.
    Good boy… who’s a good boy?… you are…

    • Mooselicker says:

      I have overheard my owner rambling to himself that about 10% of the features on this blog are fictional. It’s an exaggeration on the truth. No one has ever sat on me, McGwire, naked before.

      How many nipples does Shiloh have? I lost two of mine. One on a fence jumping incident. Tell her I use touch of grey. It lets female dogs know I’m old, but can still get around.

      • Shiloh is way too young for you. She can still run all day. I have been having second thoughts about pimping out my dog anyway. It just seems sort of sleazy. (And don’t tell your master this, but I don’t know if I could bring her to your place, if he has a problem with naked dog straddling… seriously, is he hurting you? There are places that can help. I could mail you a brochure, but you have no fingers to open the envelope… just bark if he hurts you… we will stage an intervention)…

      • Mooselicker says:

        WOOF!

        Help me!!!

      • Next time he comes at you naked, you have my permission to do to him what that doctor did to you… only you will have to use your teeth, and he wont get the shot in the butt to help with the pain. Trust me, he will leave you alone after that. Call me…

  6. Addie says:

    Best Post Ever.

  7. McGwire,
    I think I like you better than your owner. You should write more. I do love reading about absence of testicles, but that doesn’t mean I’m a hoe. Just a habit I must say, like this: http://teyahdreams.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/526.jpg.
    Love,
    J

    • Mooselicker says:

      You found that image way too fast. What’s with you and taking away a man’s jewells? I hate not having balls. It’s one less thing to bite.

      Maybe this is why I’m single. I’ll never fully understand a woman’s obsession with hurting manly men like myself, McGwire.

      • Tell you what, why don’t you switch owners, eh? I think you’re getting too much bad karma from being at such a close proximity from you-know-who’s naked ass. But that’s just a thought. I guess living with him has its own pros such as being constantly fed so I guess it’d be best for you to stay there. Don’t worry dog, relationships are overrated (they say). I wouldn’t know.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I am actually going on a week long vacation starting Sunday. I’ve had friends who were told the same thing and they never came back so I’m a little nervous I’ll be getting kicked into an oven or however it is you vile humans execute our people.

        Maybe we should date! Do you like pulling black crud out of dog ears?

  8. Now, now, you shouldn’t think all humans enjoy torturing fur-covered beasts like you just because your owner does. Have fun on your vacation! I’d say good riddance, but you’d probably be with you-know-who. And sorry, I already suffered much from dates with two-legged males, I’m no ready to deal with your kind who are more amply blessed with testicle-size. Not that it matters, but that’s a compliment.

  9. Cafe says:

    That first paragraph was so funny when I realized your guest blogger was your dog lol.
    I like McGwire but he doesn’t sound like he leads a very happy life haha =P
    Congrats on your 200th follower! That’s awesome! 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I lead a very happy life thank you very much. All I need is a couch to myself, some dirty clothes to burrow my head under, and food. Lots of food. Free reign to dance when I need to go outside is important too. And maybe a bone to pick up when someone is home.

      I, will pass along the congratulations.

      -McGwire

  10. Mooselicker should have taught you somemore politeness!
    (Next to that you’ve got interesting points of view.)

  11. mindwarpfx says:

    It has been a long time. But the guest bloger should be a regular thing. Love this one. But don’t get the wrong thing out of the word ” love “. It’s not asking for a date. Will be back soon to look around later. Well when I get more time. I hate being without time.
    Until next time keep up the good work . All the best.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ll see what I can do to get another article up here. My doggy fingers hurt. I think I have doggy arthritis from never drinking milk. Or maybe I am visiting a quack veterinarian.

  12. Lily says:

    Aww I love McGwire. I want a puppy 😦 He deserves a cute little girl lover even though they can’t actually, ya know, “make love”. Life is hard being a dog I guess. Sounds like he has a nice comfortable life. Goes on walks AND gets cookies? Spoiled!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I,McGwire, am actually staying with Tim’s dad this week. He has a new puppy who will not leave me along. But it’s okay, I like the company. I do love my walks. They give me an excuse to eat more cookies.

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