It has been said it takes more than getting bent over a table than squirting a kid out from between your legs 9 months later to be a mother. It takes hard work. Dedication. Perseverance. A few more cliché words. Most of all it takes love. The unconditional kind. What does unconditional mean? It means without condition. Under no circumstances will they ever not love you. This isn’t always the case. Not all mothers are great. Some are mean and nasty. It is you, horrible mothers, who I would like to call out today. No longer will you psychologically damage your children. When I’m through you’ll have nothing to do but become an alcoholic vegetable obsessed with Jerry Springer storylines.
(My favorite Springer feud by far. Slut on the left was angry at slut on the right because an obese midget was the lust of both these drama queens)
A good mother supports their children’s decisions. When their dumb kid makes a bad decision they find a way to calmly tell them that they shouldn’t go to school for art because they suck. They’ll say something like “You’re so much better at cleaning up vomit. What’s wrong with being a janitor? You’ll be close to home and you always make kids smile.” We expect positive ideas from our moms. We like to be told that our dead animals will meet us in heaven. Even if that animal was a racist rabbit, we still buy into the adorable lie that we will meet again on the other side.
What a bad mother does is pour negativity into your life. The worst and most common thing I hear about is a mom who calls her daughter fat. What kind of monster would do this? When I say monster I mean the mom, not the morbidly disgusting daughter. Shouldn’t you encourage your child instead of poking? Join a gym together. Show support. The excuse I hear moms give for this is that “boys won’t date you if you’re fat.” Umm hello? Haven’t they seen that Marilyn Monroe Meme about her thighs touching? It’s a Meme for Chrissakes! The keeper of knowledge. If your child’s weight is so important to you the don’t pester them about it. Kids don’t respond well to that attitude. They get it enough at school. By the way, that Meme is irrationally irritating. Marilyn Monroe wasn’t known for having a nice body. The Kennedy’s fucked her face, not her stomach. There are much better examples of “curvy women” other than Marilyn Monroe. Don’t let someone who was an average actress, let men mistreat her, and blew her brains out be your role model.
(Well, yeah. For starters I’m not even sure who the person on the right is. How about you use a fair example next time before you try making some profound feminist statement. Like use someone recognizable)
I won’t go much into moms beating their kids. That’s just so incredibly heinous. Why would you hit your own kid? There are so many children in the world. If you really need to hit one, pick an orphan. They’ve got no one to tell. Horrible moms are more the verbal abusers of parents. I guess that’s true for people in general. Women fight more with words than they do with fists. Estrogen is much lazier than testosterone. There’s no excuse ever to hit your kid. You need a chair just to prop them up to get a good jab in there. When you need a milk crate for someone to stand on in order to beat the shit out of them, you shouldn’t do it.
Invasiveness is something else I don’t like about horrible moms. They’re snoopers. They go through their kid’s things and use it against them. This would be illegal if the government did something similar. You think the Patriot Act sucks? Try having a mom who reads your diary or flips through your porn collection of Ebony & Ivory. Usually people who lack the ability to give others privacy are so clingy to their own personal lives. You can’t lock your bedroom door but their door will always be locked. They’re hypocrites. The one thing a child can always spot is someone who says one thing and does another. Telling a kid they cannot eat Fig Newtons means that you better damn well not get caught eating Fig Newtons.
(I’m much bigger than a squirrel. If he can eat 4 of them I should be allowed at least 20 per serving)
I like to think deep down inside that horrible mothers do it out of love. They over-worry about their kids. They’re only looking to protect those things that tore their bodies apart, you. Horrible mothers are worried that you will make the same mistakes that they made. The only way they know how to stop you is to occupy your time with all of the bullshit they put you through. If you’re a mom, don’t be horrible. Treat your children with the same respect you would give to a dog, but slightly better. It’s not hard. If you think it is then probably are more than a horrible mother. You are a horrible human.