It has been said it takes more than getting bent over a table than squirting a kid out from between your legs 9 months later to be a mother. It takes hard work. Dedication. Perseverance. A few more cliché words. Most of all it takes love. The unconditional kind. What does unconditional mean? It means without condition. Under no circumstances will they ever not love you. This isn’t always the case. Not all mothers are great. Some are mean and nasty. It is you, horrible mothers, who I would like to call out today. No longer will you psychologically damage your children. When I’m through you’ll have nothing to do but become an alcoholic vegetable obsessed with Jerry Springer storylines.

(My favorite Springer feud by far. Slut on the left was angry at slut on the right because an obese midget was the lust of both these drama queens)

A good mother supports their children’s decisions. When their dumb kid makes a bad decision they find a way to calmly tell them that they shouldn’t go to school for art because they suck. They’ll say something like “You’re so much better at cleaning up vomit. What’s wrong with being a janitor? You’ll be close to home and you always make kids smile.” We expect positive ideas from our moms. We like to be told that our dead animals will meet us in heaven. Even if that animal was a racist rabbit, we still buy into the adorable lie that we will meet again on the other side.

What a bad mother does is pour negativity into your life. The worst and most common thing I hear about is a mom who calls her daughter fat. What kind of monster would do this? When I say monster I mean the mom, not the morbidly disgusting daughter. Shouldn’t you encourage your child instead of poking? Join a gym together. Show support. The excuse I hear moms give for this is that “boys won’t date you if you’re fat.” Umm hello? Haven’t they seen that Marilyn Monroe Meme about her thighs touching? It’s a Meme for Chrissakes! The keeper of knowledge. If your child’s weight is so important to you the don’t pester them about it. Kids don’t respond well to that attitude. They get it enough at school. By the way, that Meme is irrationally irritating. Marilyn Monroe wasn’t known for having a nice body. The Kennedy’s fucked her face, not her stomach. There are much better examples of “curvy women” other than Marilyn Monroe. Don’t let someone who was an average actress, let men mistreat her, and blew her brains out be your role model.

(Well, yeah. For starters I’m not even sure who the person on the right is. How about you use a fair example next time before you try making some profound feminist statement. Like use someone recognizable)

I won’t go much into moms beating their kids. That’s just so incredibly heinous. Why would you hit your own kid? There are so many children in the world. If you really need to hit one, pick an orphan. They’ve got no one to tell. Horrible moms are more the verbal abusers of parents. I guess that’s true for people in general. Women fight more with words than they do with fists. Estrogen is much lazier than testosterone. There’s no excuse ever to hit your kid. You need a chair just to prop them up to get a good jab in there. When you need a milk crate for someone to stand on in order to beat the shit out of them, you shouldn’t do it.

Invasiveness is something else I don’t like about horrible moms. They’re snoopers. They go through their kid’s things and use it against them. This would be illegal if the government did something similar. You think the Patriot Act sucks? Try having a mom who reads your diary or flips through your porn collection of Ebony & Ivory. Usually people who lack the ability to give others privacy are so clingy to their own personal lives. You can’t lock your bedroom door but their door will always be locked. They’re hypocrites. The one thing a child can always spot is someone who says one thing and does another. Telling a kid they cannot eat Fig Newtons means that you better damn well not get caught eating Fig Newtons.

(I’m much bigger than a squirrel. If he can eat 4 of them I should be allowed at least 20 per serving)

I like to think deep down inside that horrible mothers do it out of love. They over-worry about their kids. They’re only looking to protect those things that tore their bodies apart, you. Horrible mothers are worried that you will make the same mistakes that they made. The only way they know how to stop you is to occupy your time with all of the bullshit they put you through. If you’re a mom, don’t be horrible. Treat your children with the same respect you would give to a dog, but slightly better. It’s not hard. If you think it is then probably are more than a horrible mother. You are a horrible human.

  1. The Hobbler says:

    So, what got you thinking about this?

    • Mooselicker says:

      How every semi-overweight girl I know has a mean mother.

      • The Hobbler says:

        That really sucks. That is provably the reason the kids are overweight. I am an emotional eater. If they are constantly being criticized why should they care about what they weigh? Those kind of parents drive their kids to a future of therapy.

  2. Sheena says:

    Being a mom is hard, and mistakes abound. Hopefully they aren’t the long lasting impressionable ones. The best mom’s give their best effort and that’s really all you can do. I agree about the weight thing, kids are getting it from school and I have always hated when mothers do that to their daughters, body issues stem from mom and have a lot to do with how she sees herself. I’m kind of glad I have a boy on that note.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I couldn’t even imagine being a mother. Luckily I never will have to.

      It’s all about intentions and usually they’re pretty clear. Too many people get stuck into thinking they have to be parents or their lives are useless. Seems like too many of them don’t have what it takes. Oh well. I liked my mom so no harm no foul in my life.

  3. Jerry Springer provided me with the perfect place to propose. When I meet that mentally damaged woman of my dreams I am taking her to the Cracker Barrel. I’ll get down on one knee, along with all the peanut shells that litter the floor and ask for her hand in an unhappy inharmonious marriage. It will be romantic.

  4. By the way? Who is that one guy has the big ‘ole cheesy smile in your “Likes” for this post? He “Likes” damn near every blog post anyone has created.

  5. I hear a lot of Mommy Dearest stories along these lines. You nailed it, basically. I’d like to think that they’re doing these things out of love, but I think it’s probably more out of narcisissm. Great post!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Narcisissm, that’s a word I haven’t heard in a while. You’re probably right. I don’t know why people do a lot of the things they do, just that they do them. The approach in telling your kid to be careful in life is what people seem to have the most difficulty with.

      Thanks for stopping by! Don’t be a stranger.

      • I guess if we tried to analyze the Why, we’d be insane by now. But there are lots and lots of examples of what NOT to do to your kid, that’s for sure.

        I will be sure to visit again!

  6. The Waiting says:

    Jerry Springer once came to eat at a restaurant I used to work at on the 4th of July, one of the few days a year the place was closed. It was in a hotel and the front desk people said the next day that he came in with his whole entourage. We were all so bummed. No amount of fireworks would be better than waiting on Jerry Springer.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That would be pretty cool. I would totally egg on a potential fight. He probably has some special power of instigation. Everyonne loves to punch each other when he’s around.

  7. They did a study, and it is indeed true that people tend to say more nice things in a nice tone of voice to their dogs than their kids or their spouses.
    I was worried about recently, because you seemed to be slipping over to the light side of the force. But you are back! I can tell you were passionate about this subject because you allowed some grammatical errors to creep into your post, which historically has only happened when you are really worked up about an issue. You can try being nice at Christmas when no one will notice.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Spelling mistakes come more from me not re-reading my work. Going back through things I see how poorly written so much of it is. But that’s okay, this is just a blog. Written crutches and the occassional word that completely does not fit gives me no worries.

      But yes, bad parents do bother me. I’m sure you’re a pretty cool dad. You acknowledge your children’s existence. Many would not.

      • It is hard not to acknowledge their existence when they live in your house and eat your food for 18 years… oh, wait, we took a nine year break between kids, so 27 years…

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    “If you really need to hit one, pick an orphan. They’ve got no one to tell.”

    LOL! Best line ever.

    There are always reasons to smack your own child though, supposing you caught your child stealing? Do you want to act like its okay and all he’ll get is a time out? No you smack him across the back of the legs with a slipper and you’ll be damn sure he doesnt do it when he gets older.

    Never did me any harm *twitch*

    • Mooselicker says:

      Maybe you’re right. Hitting a kid with a slipper is hitting, but it’s still with a slipper. They could tell the cops but no one would ever believe them. Who hits with a slipper? Besides your mother we have learned.

  9. You inspire me to keep loving on my kid, Tim! We’re all babies, just babies. I always assume everyone just wants a hug.

  10. Great post! Here’s a story about a woman who CERTAINLY qualifies as a horrible mother!

  11. renxkyoko says:

    So, uhm, mooselicker, tell me what an ideal mother should do about the fat daughter who doesn’t do anything to keep fit.

    • Mooselicker says:

      She should exercise with her. Lead by example. I know whenever I see someone doing something that gets them what I want I try to imitate their actions. Want an in shape daughter? You better get ready to start running.

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