Hay, water, and convicts. The word bail means a lot to them. Bails of hay are gigantic and make me sneeze. You can stack these bails then hide things like needles or Natalee Holloway inside and they will never be found again. When bailing water, you have problems. The act of scooping water out of your boat and back into the larger amount of water surrounding you is known as bailing. You will probably only ever be in this situation if you are in a rowboat with a hole in it. Why does one need to be in a rowboat? We have bridges and iPads now. It’s stupid to go anywhere near water. Finally convicts. They can pay money to get out of jail for a few weeks until their trial. I’m not exactly sure how this all works as movies about lawyers bore me. Unless you consider The Mighty Ducks a movie about lawyers. The back of the DVD case does start with “Hotshot Lawyer Gordon Bombay…” so I’ll put it right up there with To Kill A Mockingbird.

(The photographer told Emilio to strike a “get a load of these kids” pose. Good job Emilio. You struck it perfect)

The worst kind of bails are the ones people do to us. This is known as bailing on someone. I’m sure it’s happened to you. If not you’re probably the bailer. It’s like that old joke about how most people look like birds. If you look around the room and don’t see someone who looks like a bird then you’re the parakeet faced buffoon. I want to discuss this awful friends today. The ones who always seem to be bailing. They’re unapologetic, forgetful, and almost always overweight. I’ll start with that right away.

Why do overweight people bail a lot on plans? Okay, I am an expert into the psychology of overweight people. Spending a good portion of my life being a member of the club, I have a deep understanding of why they do a lot of the things they do. Fat people bail simply because they’re shy and have really bad social anxieties. You can almost excuse it. There’s something deeper than them being a bad friend that needs fixing. The only reason it should not be excused is sometimes this can screw you over. I had a friend who swore he would help me with a project for school. I checked in with him every day. He even agreed to get his brother and his brother’s friends to help out too. The day came when I needed the help. Guess who didn’t answer his phone for an entire day? It’s not that all overweight folk do this or do it for this reason, but I have a deep feeling this is the case. Realize most people have social anxieties. That should not be something to hold you back from helping out a friend.

People who bail often enough end up making excuses. Most are pretty unbelievable. Nobody gets that many flat tires. Nobody has a job that schedules them last second this frequently. Nobody has a grandmother who dies every month then miraculously resurrects in order to die a month later. I find that the best excuse is to not make one. Be straight up. If you don’t want to hang out with someone don’t tell them why. Just say you cannot do it. If they ask you can say because they’re boring and you feel boys are less likely to approach you when she’s around due to her sweating problem. Or you can take the less scenic route and say you’re not in the mood. Really, the best thing to do is not make plans you do not 100% fully intend on making. If someone tells me they want to hangout with me (ha, I know right? Let’s be hypothetical for a second) I will decide within the first few seconds if I want to hang with them or not. When I don’t feel like it then I will not really pursue much further. What I’m really trying to say through the bags under my eyes I have right now is that if you make plans with a friend, barring death, you better damn well keep them.

(Sorry I can’t hangout, my grandma came back as a zombie and is killing Vietnamese nurses)

As with most social faux pas, girls bail much more than guys. Other than my one fat friend, who I was used to bailing on me by that point, I haven’t had too many people do it to me. This can be because upon meeting most women I mime squeezing their breasts and we never become friends. I always am hearing about girls bailing on each other. This all comes back to the whole thing about women being dishonest. Girls care so much about their perception. I had planned on writing something about the media, but I have nothing more to say than this. The media is not to blame for the way people are perceived. That’s our own fault. The media gives us what we want. If enough of us hated Kardashians they would be executed on live TV. Well, a 7 second delay, but I think I can wait. Not a second longer though. Yelling about how the media wants you to look a certain way is garbage. Would you really want to watch a movie with a bunch of ugly people in it? Rent a Julia Roberts movie so badly if that’s what you’re into. All I’m saying is that the media doesn’t want you to be a blonde bombshell. I do. You do. Everyone both of us knows does. Attractive people make them money. So what was it that I started to say here? Oh yes, girls kid themselves too much. Don’t buy magazines or watch TV if it bothers you so much. When enough people agree with you then things will change. Pinky swear.

Keep your promises. Bailing on a friend’s plans is breaking a promise. Do you like when people break promises to you? No. Of course not. You hate President Obama and his ability to say one thing then turn around months later saying “Well, I wanted it to be the other way–” I didn’t realize the economic bailout meant saying you’d fix everything then bailing out on doing it. Why am I so angry at Mr. President today? He gives greet speeches and has a nice smile. He also gives me hope! I’m not sure what about, but he gives it to me hard.

(You’re kidding yourself if you think this is the way heroes smile. Clearly the Lord of the Flies right here)

Do people bail on you often? How do you handle it? Have you also noticed I use the words “that” and contractions way too much in anything I write?

P.S. I will be unavailable to contact until Friday. I’m not Natalee Holloway’ing on you, I’m Adam Walsh’s head’ing. That is to say, I will return via mail in horrendous fashion.

  1. renxkyoko says:

    *raises hands *Do you think not updating blog is also bailing ?

  2. Losing It says:

    Sorry someone bailed on you. That is why stalkers are so great. They never ditch you. They follow you, sneak around late at night just to be near you, lick your windows, etc. They are wonderful.

    • Mooselicker says:

      People don’t really bail on me much. Not all of these blogs are sneak attacks on people who have done harm to me. Some of them are pissy rants on things people have done to others. I only get involved because I have to hear about it way too much.

  3. Cafe says:

    I’m gonna be your friend and let you know that it’s “bale” of hay =P
    Maybe you can switch your title to Bails/Bales? 🙂

    I used to get bailed on from to time when I was younger and I think it bothered me a lot then. Now, I think it would depend on who is doing the bailing. I consider my time very precious, so if you bail and I’m left hanging with absolutely nothing to do and with no one else to call, then I’m pissed. But if you bail on me and someone else or a group of us, I’ll understand.

    Of course though, if you are someone who never bails, then you got the one-up and I’ll see you as a reliable person who I can count on 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I hate anagrams. Is that what you call words pronounced the same yet spelled differently? Hate them!

      It’s weird with bailing how you’re one or the other. Few people are 50/50. They either always are cancelling last second or never do. Usually it’s a lie too. That’s what gets me. If you were honest and said you didn’t want to go in the first place you would go from unreliable to super stupendous in one fell swoop.

      • Cafe says:

        Lol I think it’s called homonyms?
        True, better to be honest. Sometimes though I feel like people don’t really think it through when they agree to do something. Some people just have that tendency to agree to things right away when asked, and then later back out.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I have a friend like this… or had a friend like it. He used to arrange something then on the day of that event happening would cancel last minute and give some reason like he’s been robbed or something.

    He invited another friend of mine to an Oasis gig because he had some tickets then on the day of it when my friend asked him what time he should meet, he was told that he’d been robbed in the middle of town and they stole everything!

    He used the “I’ve been mugged” excuse several times, always seem to occur in broad daylight. If I don’t want to do something I’ll usually say from the start that I’m not bothered. The only time I’ll bail is if I phsyically can’t attend.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I just don’t get people who behave like this! There are so many too. Especially when tickets are involved. Never have I ever gotten tickets for something and not gone. Maybe my life isn’t so excited with high noon robberies like your friend’s life so I can’t come up with a big enough excuse.

      I hope your friendship ended with you bailing on him. He’s probably still waiting at the bus stop for the ride from you.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I think he said we had these tickets before he actually got them, didn’t get them and dare not tell my other friend he failed. He’s known in our circle of friends as a sponge back from the classic Red Wharf line “You’ve got a sponge back for a spine laddy!”

        After the last time he bailed on me I told him our friendship was over and that I hope he dies.

        A tad harsh? Perhaps.

  5. Lily says:

    People never really bail on me, but when they do, I love it. I love freeing up my day and having no plans. People used to hate me because I would bail on them sometimes especially in high school. It was nice because it weeded out the people that didn’t like being bailed on and the ones who didn’t care. But yeah I’m a rare one that actually loves when people cancel on me.

  6. I like that this came out on my birthday haha… interesting. but awesome blog. I agree with everything you said.

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