Most of my positive memories from my days in school involved the teachers sitting us down and explaining to us how one of their coworkers has passed away and that we will no longer be learning about punctuation. I mean, yeah it’s sad a little old woman had to die, but I’m really struggling with proper placement of a semicolon. Her death was not in vain. Death aside, I also enjoyed field trips. The days where you got credit for attendance yet spent most of the day eating ice cream. Oh childhood. When calories did not count and girls hated you for who you were, not what you looked like.
Kindergarten: I remember one field trip in kindergarten. It was to a milk farm. Or maybe it was to a dairy factory. Something with cows. My mom loved cows. She’d joke that was why she loved her chubby son (me) so much then she’d take away my asparagus and replace it with a root beer float. I don’t remember much of this field trip. My mom chaperoned and she was pissed I had chosen the infamous Michael Barbera into my group along with a class bully. I learned a lot that day. For instance, my mom was capable of muttering murderous phrases about other children.
(Asparagus even hates asparagus. They have to be tied together so the other pieces don’t run off)
First Grade: The first grade class got to take a trip to the Philadelphia Zoo this year. Again, I don’t remember a thing about the actual trip. I think I remember the earlier mentioned bully telling us how his brother was responsible for burning down the monkey house a few months earlier. You can never go wrong with a trip to the zoo. Kids loving looking at animals smarter than they are.
(He may play with recycling bins, yet he is still smarter than a 1st grader)
Second Grade: I know we went somewhere this year. That was a requirement for each grade. My memory I guess has faded. I did get invited to a karate themed birthday party which was fun, I guess. I made friends with the new Puerto Rican kid in class. Or was he Mexican? What type of Spanish is it when you don’t want them dating your daughter but you don’t fear for your life around them? I’m pretty sure I remember the actual bus drive to wherever it was we went. Everyone was singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Our teacher, Mrs. Brandle, suggested we replace the beer with something else like juice. We met half way and sang about “99 Severed Mrs. Brandle Heads on the Wall.” Hey, at least it wasn’t alcohol.
(If we understood physics or the pully system, Mrs. Brandle most assuredly would be pictured here)
Third Grade: Possibly the worst field trip ever. It was a tour of our hometown. Snooze. I hate field trips where they take you to your local park. I could do this on my own time. They showed us a historic lake, an old Victorian house, and an ancient Mega-Mall. This was a field trip where I almost considered faking an asthma attack then getting out of it. I mean I was within walking distance of my home. It wouldn’t have been too big of a hassle for anybody.
(One stop was at a cemetery where a Native American chief and my next door neighbor were buried. It’s like history clashing with present day)
Fourth Grade: I know we went somewhere cool this year, but again, I cannot remember. Yet I remember a cute girl in the class talking to me about some story and asking me if I remembered it. I lied and said I did. Then the bad black kid in the class said he wanted to look at her poop. The retarded girl in my class also said I looked like a “baby” when sipping from my water bottle. The girl who grew up to be a lesbian took it that she said I looked like a babe then teased I had a retarded girl with a crush on me. Fourth grade was a fun year of school. One time I got an F on a test and the teacher said “You looked sick that day. I won’t count it.” I wish that still worked. You wouldn’t believe how many people I’d murder with an ice pack strapped to my forehead.
(Being able to lift your arm that high means you’re not sick. Kick this faker out of your establishment please)
Fifth Grade: Our trip this year was to Six Flags: Great Adventure and it was a great adventure! I had to lie to my teacher and say my sister could not chaperone with more children than myself because she hated kids. The guy was my friend, but he was also very effeminate. Purple sweat pants. Really? Are you a pregnant gym teacher? The way you got to be on this field trip was by being a member of the “Safety Patrol.” We wore orange sashes and did our due-diligence to make the school a safe place. My job was to collect milk money during lunch. Or it was to collect morning attendance. I’m not sure. A girl with a pig nose did it instead.
(Pig Nose and her brother, Pig Nose, held me down and tried to turn me into one of them. But remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder)
Sixth Grade: I don’t think we went anywhere this year. That’s probably a lie. I hated sixth grade. I had to stab kids in the wrist with pens just to survive. His best friend committed suicide some years later. Maybe this was some Socrates-like way of him taking his own life before I could stab him with a pen. Or I’m reaching here. (Wait I remembered now what it was! It was a camping trip. I’ll write about that another time when a few more of my bunkmates pass away and I can reveal the horrible things that happened).
(I’m Keanu Reeves in this photo, the dead kid is Socrates, and I guess Alex Winter is Alex Winter. No one wants to be Alex Winter)
Seventh Grade: I remember going on two field trips this year. One was to an authentic Japanese Hibachi restaurant located between a car dealership and a gas station. Whilst quoting The Simpsons a hot girl asked me if I said lark. “No. I said bark.” I responded telling the truth. We didn’t talk for 4 years when she was telling me to get out of her way. The other field trip was to the Philadelphia Zoo. Yeah, again. This was more fun even though I don’t remember doing much animal watching. It was more about taking pictures of ourselves humping gorilla and turtle statues. Another hot girl in the class had to run to catch the bus. If she had breasts it would have been like a seen out of Baywatch. Instead it was like a caterpillar moving swiftly.
(Not to sound gay, but they couldn’t find a single actor in the early 90s with abs?)
Tenth Grade: I don’t remember going anywhere in eighth or ninth grade. By that point they were charging us quite a bit of money for the field trips and I’d just stay home from school. Tenth grade though my English teacher took us into Philadelphia to see a play of Julius Caesar. All I remember was a man with a bearskin rug on his head saying “Beware the Ides of March” in a spooky voice. The play was pretty boring. I think someone threw a Swedish Fish at me. I don’t blame them. I do look like someone who enjoys a nice piece of Swedish Fish. If only they hit me in the mouth instead of in the back of the head.
(My teeth actually hurt looking at this picture)
Where were your field trips to?