Field Trips

Posted: June 9, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Most of my positive memories from my days in school involved the teachers sitting us down and explaining to us how one of their coworkers has passed away and that we will no longer be learning about punctuation. I mean, yeah it’s sad a little old woman had to die, but I’m really struggling with proper placement of a semicolon. Her death was not in vain. Death aside, I also enjoyed field trips. The days where you got credit for attendance yet spent most of the day eating ice cream. Oh childhood. When calories did not count and girls hated you for who you were, not what you looked like.

Kindergarten: I remember one field trip in kindergarten. It was to a milk farm. Or maybe it was to a dairy factory. Something with cows. My mom loved cows. She’d joke that was why she loved her chubby son (me) so much then she’d take away my asparagus and replace it with a root beer float. I don’t remember much of this field trip. My mom chaperoned and she was pissed I had chosen the infamous Michael Barbera into my group along with a class bully. I learned a lot that day. For instance, my mom was capable of muttering murderous phrases about other children.

(Asparagus even hates asparagus. They have to be tied together so the other pieces don’t run off)

First Grade: The first grade class got to take a trip to the Philadelphia Zoo this year. Again, I don’t remember a thing about the actual trip. I think I remember the earlier mentioned bully telling us how his brother was responsible for burning down the monkey house a few months earlier. You can never go wrong with a trip to the zoo. Kids loving looking at animals smarter than they are.

(He may play with recycling bins, yet he is still smarter than a 1st grader)

Second Grade: I know we went somewhere this year. That was a requirement for each grade. My memory I guess has faded. I did get invited to a karate themed birthday party which was fun, I guess. I made friends with the new Puerto Rican kid in class. Or was he Mexican? What type of Spanish is it when you don’t want them dating your daughter but you don’t fear for your life around them? I’m pretty sure I remember the actual bus drive to wherever it was we went. Everyone was singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Our teacher, Mrs. Brandle, suggested we replace the beer with something else like juice. We met half way and sang about “99 Severed Mrs. Brandle Heads on the Wall.” Hey, at least it wasn’t alcohol.

(If we understood physics or the pully system, Mrs. Brandle most assuredly would be pictured here)

Third Grade: Possibly the worst field trip ever. It was a tour of our hometown. Snooze. I hate field trips where they take you to your local park. I could do this on my own time. They showed us a historic lake, an old Victorian house, and an ancient Mega-Mall. This was a field trip where I almost considered faking an asthma attack then getting out of it. I mean I was within walking distance of my home. It wouldn’t have been too big of a hassle for anybody.

(One stop was at a cemetery where a Native American chief and my next door neighbor were buried. It’s like history clashing with present day)

Fourth Grade: I know we went somewhere cool this year, but again, I cannot remember. Yet I remember a cute girl in the class talking to me about some story and asking me if I remembered it. I lied and said I did. Then the bad black kid in the class said he wanted to look at her poop. The retarded girl in my class also said I looked like a “baby” when sipping from my water bottle. The girl who grew up to be a lesbian took it that she said I looked like a babe then teased I had a retarded girl with a crush on me. Fourth grade was a fun year of school. One time I got an F on a test and the teacher said “You looked sick that day. I won’t count it.” I wish that still worked. You wouldn’t believe how many people I’d murder with an ice pack strapped to my forehead.

(Being able to lift your arm that high means you’re not sick. Kick this faker out of your establishment please)

Fifth Grade: Our trip this year was to Six Flags: Great Adventure and it was a great adventure! I had to lie to my teacher and say my sister could not chaperone with more children than myself because she hated kids. The guy was my friend, but he was also very effeminate. Purple sweat pants. Really? Are you a pregnant gym teacher? The way you got to be on this field trip was by being a member of the “Safety Patrol.” We wore orange sashes and did our due-diligence to make the school a safe place. My job was to collect milk money during lunch. Or it was to collect morning attendance. I’m not sure. A girl with a pig nose did it instead.

(Pig Nose and her brother, Pig Nose, held me down and tried to turn me into one of them. But remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder)

Sixth Grade: I don’t think we went anywhere this year. That’s probably a lie. I hated sixth grade. I had to stab kids in the wrist with pens just to survive. His best friend committed suicide some years later. Maybe this was some Socrates-like way of him taking his own life before I could stab him with a pen. Or I’m reaching here. (Wait I remembered now what it was! It was a camping trip. I’ll write about that another time when a few more of my bunkmates pass away and I can reveal the horrible things that happened).

(I’m Keanu Reeves in this photo, the dead kid is Socrates, and I guess Alex Winter is Alex Winter. No one wants to be Alex Winter)

Seventh Grade: I remember going on two field trips this year. One was to an authentic Japanese Hibachi restaurant located between a car dealership and a gas station. Whilst quoting The Simpsons a hot girl asked me if I said lark. “No. I said bark.” I responded telling the truth. We didn’t talk for 4 years when she was telling me to get out of her way. The other field trip was to the Philadelphia Zoo. Yeah, again. This was more fun even though I don’t remember doing much animal watching. It was more about taking pictures of ourselves humping gorilla and turtle statues. Another hot girl in the class had to run to catch the bus. If she had breasts it would have been like a seen out of Baywatch. Instead it was like a caterpillar moving swiftly.

(Not to sound gay, but they couldn’t find a single actor in the early 90s with abs?)

Tenth Grade: I don’t remember going anywhere in eighth or ninth grade. By that point they were charging us quite a bit of money for the field trips and I’d just stay home from school. Tenth grade though my English teacher took us into Philadelphia to see a play of Julius Caesar. All I remember was a man with a bearskin rug on his head saying “Beware the Ides of March” in a spooky voice. The play was pretty boring. I think someone threw a Swedish Fish at me. I don’t blame them. I do look like someone who enjoys a nice piece of Swedish Fish. If only they hit me in the mouth instead of in the back of the head.

(My teeth actually hurt looking at this picture)

Where were your field trips to?

Comments
  1. Hobbles says:

    You have a good memory. When I was in elementary school, I went to a church-school. It was kindergarten through 12th grade, and there were about 20 of us. In the whole school. I was the only person in my grade for 3 or 4 years.

    When I finished my work, I got to go swing behind the school, all my myself. The rapists didn’t concern the teachers much I guess. I remember getting my hands whacked with a ruler and getting spankings with an inch thick paddle with holes drilled through it so it would hurt more. I wonder if they knew they were helping me become a masochistic…
    Honestly, I should be dead or living in a cage by now. Sweet, sweet memories…

    • Mooselicker says:

      20 kids to a school? Only 1 kid in your grade? Must have been some whacky religion. Did you guys get to go on any field trips at all? The ruler factory? Tony’s S&M Store?

      • Hobbles says:

        Yes, it was actually fun for the most part. We went to parks, hiking, had our own carnival, put on pageants, sang at the republican national convention, and lots of other stuff kids usually don’t do.

      • Mooselicker says:

        One time a guy claiming to be George Gershwin came to my school. Or was it Roger Gershwin? Either way, his real name was probably something like Ted Shingles. Religious schools always have more fun. I guess you get what you pay for.

      • Hobbles says:

        Who is that? (too lazy to google) We bought our books, but that was about all we paid for. Moms and and a few old guys taught all the classes. I was learning some Latin in third grade. We did have to wear dresses or “coulots” I don’t know how you spell that, but is was a skirt sewn in the middle. Funny thing is, it was about modesty, but showing your panties when you fall is quite less decent then I’d you had pants on. Not to mention windy days…

      • Hobbles says:

        You want to hear one more crazy thing? We were poor really, all of us at that school were probably in the low income bracket. Anyway, for a while they rationed toilet paper. You had to go to the front of the room and say “number 1” or “number 2” to get two or three squares.

      • Mooselicker says:

        We had to tell our teachers too whether we were going #1 or #2. Not to ration toilet paper. It was because everyone would gather around the door and either make tinkle noises are fart ones to try and get us to hurry it up.

        That never happened, but I do it to people now.

      • Hobbles says:

        I have a lot of crazy true stories.

      • Hobbles says:

        It’s amazing I turned out so well adjusted. 😉

  2. Lauren says:

    You def forgot the Franklin Institute and philadelphia science museum. Oh… And the Art museum. Sounds like we had the same field trips.. Except im older so i got to see theonkeys before your friends brother burned diwn their habitat.

  3. mindwarpfx says:

    I must have been a bad boy and got left behind on field trips. Or we may have been two poor. My parents are just smiling at me and not answering me, and my questions on this. At least I now know how they can afford retirement. LOL

    • Mooselicker says:

      Even when you were young and the field trips were free you missed out? Oh man. That’s not fair. If you’re ever around my parts I’ll take you on a school bus to a forest and call it a national park.

  4. This year, we’ve been to a sandy, not evry interesting place in Belgium, where we had to dig up sand and had to write down when it became darker… Fun.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ugh I hate those field trips where you have to take a test on it afterwards. It takes away all the fun. I can’t imagine actually having to work while on the field trip. Aren’t you graduated now? You should tell your teachers where to shove their dark sand.

  5. Addie says:

    I remember a farm, a Civil War Monument and an amusement park. Aside from that, the rest blur together in a seamless line of boredom. And sack lunches.

  6. Hahahaha!

    You are so mean! And hey, what’s the name of your school? At least give us that much precaution.

  7. The only field trip we ever went on was getting loaded onto buses and going to the recycling center. So stop whining. In those days, if a teacher died, they left the corpse in the room with the students for a week or two till a replacement could be found. We did our work faster because the smell was getting really bad towards the end. Oh, we learned about semicolons… we learned about regular colons, when the heat squeezed them out of the decaying bodies.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You went to the recycling center and you didn’t bring the corpse? Seems like an obvious solution. You get your classroom free of an angry ghost and Mrs. Pepperfinstein becomes a plastic bottle.

      • That may be the most brilliant thing you or anybody else has ever said. Remind me to tell the story of how we ‘recycled’ my friend John, after I do the wedding and trip pictures… seriously…

      • Mooselicker says:

        I’m writing it down!

        “John…trianglular arrows”

        Triangular arrows is shorthand for recycle.

      • That ain’t all it’s short for, I bet…
        I have no idea what that meant…

      • Mooselicker says:

        This almost calls for a “That’s what she said.” She of course being dimwitted and slow. Speaks in words she does not understand. That is why she gets paid less than us men do.

      • You are such a Neanderthal, but I don’t let it get in the way of our friendship. You need me to remind you to pay a little attention to your better side. And no, I don’t mean your butt…

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Wow, you’ve had more trips in school than I’ve had in my whole life, the best field trip we went on was to a shopping mall and I spent the majority of that looking in music shops hah. I’m sure we were meant to research something but who cares I bought the WWE Theme Music Anthology, 86 songs on three CDs. Boom.

  9. Lily says:

    The only field trips I remember are the zoo and a water park. I must have gone on more than that. To be fair, in high school I went on choir trips to austria, italy and australia, so I guess that makes up for basically every other year without fieldtrips. Sounds like you had some awesome ones. Seems like the NJ school system is better than the Indiana (I went to elementary school there) and Illinois ones.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hmmm I don’t know about better. Our taxes are pretty high so I guess they almost have to take us places. My elementary school was pretty nice. Gradually more and more bad kids came in. The worst kid I knew in elementary school was a Power Rangers fan. Much different than high school when the worst kids did heroin.

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