Summer Plans

Posted: June 11, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Summer is right around the corner. Figuratively of course. It’s not like you could walk around the corner of where you are and all of a sudden things will be sunny, scorching, and filled with murders. Most murders take place during the summer. Yet another reason to hate it. Summer is easily my least favorite season of the year. As a person who dresses like an overweight goth, it’s tough to survive. Whether I like it or not, summer will be here. I’ll have to come up with a plan to survive and actually get something productive done. These are my summer plans.

Originally I had decided I would spend this summer in Australia. Did you know their seasons are the opposite of the rest of the world? I’m not sure how much of that is true and how much came from an episode of The Simpsons. I seem to be getting a lot of knowledge from that television show lately. My trip to Australia was cancelled when I realized I’d have to leave my apartment to get there. Ugh! No thank you. Australia is one of those countries that seems fantastic, in theory. I know I wouldn’t fit in whatsoever. Everyone there is tall, slender, and tan. They’re like pretzel rods. I’m more like an undersized marshmallow. If I ever enter Australia the Prime Minister will shove a stick up my ass and roast me over an open fire.

(This isn’t actually me naked, but you get the idea. I wish I had the posture of a marshmallow)

People tend to go “down to the shore” for summer here in New Jersey. Not me. Remember that thing I said about looking like a marshmallow? Doesn’t go well at the beach. I already went there in mid-May and last week so I’m about good for the rest of eternity. My grandma used to own a beach house where my family could flee to during the summer months on the weekends. I don’t remember much about this. Honestly I remember going twice ever. The first time I ever swore was at the beach house. I was playing with my action figures and the green guy told Alf that he was a son of a bitch. My dad walked in and asked me what I said. I blamed it on Alf. Probably not the best thing to do. Alf received a good beating with the belt. He also had to go to bed without any dessert which was really tough for him because we were having cats.

(This picture is so cruel. They should have at least killed the cat first. He’s going to be so embarrassed)

The worst thing about this summer is I will be alone. No girlfriend. No nothing. That is why I plan on having a cool Grease like summer romance. I doubt my planning will go any further than actually planning. Kind of like a bomb threat in a way. Or when terrorists sit around at their kid’s birthday parties throwing out different historic landmarks to drive boats into or whatever strange attack tactic they’ll move onto next. I think I’ll just go up to every cute girl I see, poke her in the chest, and ask if she wants to make whoopee. If she doesn’t know what I mean by that then I’ll know she’s not mature enough for me. Only old people know what whoopee means. And I’m not about to go having an affair with some dumb kid.

(No. Not you)

Last summer was not all too bad. I don’t remember much about June at all. That must mean I enjoyed myself. July all I remember was being really sweaty. That was also the last time I called out of work sick. I spent my day off watching True Blood and eating snacks in my boxers. Suddenly I knew what it was like to be a fat girl in college. No straight guy should sit around watching True Blood. Vampires are gayer than cats and cats are very gay. August too was a big blur. I know I restarted with this here blog that month, but I’m not sure what else I was doing. I remember in the middle of the month my neighbors above me left their air conditioner on for so long it started to drip down my wall. I was sure someone had been killed in their apartment and the air was left on to cover up the smell. To my displeasure, they’re walking around up there right now.

(Her gap tooth almost makes it look like she’s constantly got fangs out)

Of course like everyone, my summer involves a lot of “getting in shape.” I think I’ve been trying to get in shape for 22 years now. What am I doing wrong? Are my pink dumbbells not really 5 pounds? And when I say in shape I don’t mean presentable to the public. That’s easy. I want to be in the kind of shape the people we know who never workout and are gorgeous are in. I hate those people. They’re like people on TV who only ever lightly walk on a treadmill for their workouts. I’d probably need to take steroids or be meaner to women to ever be the Greek Adonis I strive to be. Instead this summer I’ll make it my goal to just not get fatter or weaker. I think it’s time to purchase a pair of 7.5 pound dumbbells. I think those are colored purple.

(No way a guy who does mostly underwater cardio could pack on this much muscle. He needs resistance training. Something impossible to obtain whilst underwater. The Greek’s are highly inaccurate)

What are your plans for this summer? Really, I don’t have much planned at all. Not because I’m one of those people who “takes life as it comes” or “lives in the moment” or “hopes everyone dies.” I’m just not someone who appreciates bees, mosquitoes, or body odor. I hate you summer. I’m going to burn some fossil fuels every day while you’re around hoping to usher in a new ice age.

  1. stamatismark says:

    hope this summer be an adventure for u!

  2. The Waiting says:

    I hate summer too. Im really not looking forward to this one in particular because I haven’t lost all my baby weight yet and so the only clothes that fit me comfortably are my maternity clothes, which are all for winter since that’s when I got big. It’s sad enough to have to wear maternity pants when you’re no longer pregnant, but when it’s 92 degrees outside and the only top that fits you is your husband’s workout shirt, well that’s just wrong.

    • Mooselicker says:

      At least you have an excuse. What’s mine? Ice cream was buy one get one free? I’m glad my summer hate is not alone in the world. Sometimes I feel I’m the only one who cringes at BBQ invites.

  3. Lauren says:

    That Alf ordeal sounds traumatizing… Probably why you ended up looking like a Marshmallow. FYI… I once met the real Alf… Very very disappointing

  4. I usually love summer. When you live through a Chicago Winter you need at least 3 months to thaw out. Chicago, I’ve got to say, has awesome blue skies all summer long. It’s our little secret. shhh.
    I always think I’m going to do a bunch of stuff; travel, get in really good physical shape, read books, etc. but it never happens the way I imagine it. I always plan to work-out when I go on vacation, you know, use the hotel’s exercise room? haha! I NEVER end up doing that and I always walk past the machines and hate the people using them.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Working out on vacation seems like a waste. I’m one of those people who cannot sit still while on vacation. I’m the complete opposite during my normal days, but on vacation I have to do whatever I can as quickly as possible because I know it will end.

      When I was in Chicago it was around mid-April. I fully believe your assessment of beautiful Chi’Town weather. Things were completely neutral as far as temperature went.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    I was meant to go to China this summer however work and friends have changed that. I’ll mainly have quite a few BBQ’s here and there, maybe go to Blackpool (a third world version of Las Vegas) and generally do what I do in the winter. I hate hot weather, ones testicles sweat an awful lot. However now I’m single so I won’t have to do anything I don’t wanna do.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Testicle sweat is only a problem when you can smell your own or somebody else’s. Sure, some like the manly stench, but not I.

      China seems like a weird place for you to go. Was there any reasoning behind this other than knocking down the Great Wall with your barehands?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        LOL! That’s already been done my friend.

        A friend of mine works there as an English teacher, which is funny because he’s barely mastered the English language himself, so he lets us crash at his and we get to take a sweaty train full of Chinese people. Obviously, they’re all quite small, so they’re usually left smelling my arm pits.

  6. If you think you can’t walk around the corner and be smacked in the face by summer, you ain’t never lived in Southern Calif, baby. Or Vegas.
    Australia looks good on travel shows, but it is chock full of poisonous creatures. They are in the cities, the woods, the water, and then they crawl into your shoes while you sleep. Go ahead, Google it. I will wait.
    If all she is doing in Amsterdam is visiting Anne Frank’s house, you need a new girlfriend. I have been there twice, and I don’t even remember where the Frank’s place is.
    How many snacks can you fit in your boxers anyway?
    You can easily do resistance training under water. Open your hands flat and try making big clapping motions under the water. You will pack on muscles like Hercules. But that statue may be in Rome, in which case you should say the Romans or the Italians are inaccurate.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Now that the news broke that a dingo did eat her baby I’m glad I”m not going to Australia.

      Sometimes I think you really try to get under my skin and try to get me to snap. Lucky for you I have mild-retardation and cannot comprehend everything.

  7. Cafe says:

    LOL @the marshmallow =P
    I hate the sweatiness of summer. The lack of sweating is the only good thing about winter.
    My plans are to go over to Asia which is going to be even worse than anything I’ve experienced in Toronto in terms of heat and sweating. So yeah … I guess I have a lot of sweating planned for the summer haha.

  8. Lily says:

    Usually summers are so good for me but now I’m in Canada so everything just sucks balls. Just kidding. It’s pretty good. But not as warm as I would like. I like to get my tan on. Although I also like to not have cancer. So I guess Canada is helping me with one of those things. I wish I lived in NJ so I could experience “the shore”. I guess I could experience it without living there, but you know what I mean. I need to watch True Blood. Seems good. I just can’t get over Anna Paquin’s character’s name being Sookie. ugh

    • Mooselicker says:

      The Jersey Shore is highly overrated. You can walk the entire Seaside Boardwalk in 20 minutes if you don’t stop and look at all the strange people. My dad saw a man with elephantitus at a bar in Asbury Park (that’s where Bruce Springsteen always whines about).

      Anna Paquin is very annoying. Her name, her teeth, her horrible Louisiana accent; I’m surprised I made it through as much of the show as I did.

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