Old People Conversations

Posted: June 19, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Throughout our lives we make memories. From these memories we get stories. Stories we share with unwilling folk who are way too polite to tell us to shut up. We’re boring them. I know I’ve been guilty of telling awful stories before. I’ve realized it six words in that my listening partner has no interest in hearing about my amazing adventure involving a screensaver. With that said I would like to call out the people most guilty of having horrible stories. Old people.

(I’m so lazy I use the first Google Image that pops up)

I know. You probably have met some old folk who have great tales to tell. My grandfather chopped off Japanese people’s heads in the 1940s during some famous war I cannot remember the name of because it involved Roman Numerals. Yet all he ever talked about to me was the weather or how his friends would go in a lake naked together and stick their dicks out as trains passed by. Thank goodness for video games and glue huffing. I have been unfortunate enough to never have a worthwhile conversation with an old person. With that out-of-the-way I can now tell you what it is old people seem to talk to me about. Avoid the sounds of oceans or rainforests. Just thinking about these topics could lure you to sleep.

Old people are very nostalgic. You would be too if you can’t remember where the adult diaper aisle is, but you can still remember losing your virginity during a Fireside Chat. I love nostalgia as much as the next person. The problem with old people is their nostalgia takes place during a time when I could barely wipe the spit off my own face. Old people like to bring up memories of younger people when they were children. This could be cute if they had more than three memories. It gets annoying too because old people enjoy saying the same lousy stories over and over again. Worse is when they talk about dead relatives you never met. We have more dead relatives than we have living ones. That’s a lot of names to remember. A lot of people with the same blood for us to also not care about. Maybe I’d be more interested if anyone in my bloodline ever did anything interesting. At least my one friend’s ancestor was the first person to ever be killed by the electric chair. My relatives alive around then probably were the dopes his relatives killed.

(Hey Rob, he totally has your same hair color)

Commercials are a thing old people love to discuss. Television shows, sure. Go ahead. Discuss away. But commercials? Have they not heard of TiVo, downloading, DVDs, or putting your fingers in your ears and saying “La La La” while those marketing demons run amuck on our screens? Young people cannot stand commercials. The colors are not bright enough. Miranda Cosgrove is not in enough of them. I’ve watched those “Best Commercials” shows before. What a dumb move by me. I should just get a Coca-Cola logo tattooed on my forehead and go by the name “TheBigBangTheory ThursdayNightsOnCBS.” Is that show on Thursday nights? I’ve never seen it. Why would I want to watch a show about nerdy guys who are actually friends with a hot chick? I can’t get a hot chick to ask me for help during a rape. Is my cheering too obvious whose side I’m on?

Whenever I run into an “adult” they always ask me about work. When I say adult I mean someone who could be my parent and we’re never fully honest with each other. Adults love talking about work. They say how they hate it, how they put in more effort than anyone else, and so on. Lots and lots of boring nonsense about work. When people ask me how work is I usually shrug and want to tell them that it exists. It’s work! If I loved it then you would have seen me smile at some point in my life. I never ask people about their work. Either their job is boring or so incredibly awesome I’d be jealous to hear about it. There’s nothing wrong with talking about your job when something groundbreaking actually happens. I get it. But finding a pair of scissors in your desk and not knowing who put them there is not mysterious. It’s a waste of breath telling me about it.

(The most exciting thing to ever happen here was when they hired that blonde for a week)

What do I think a conversation with an old person should actually entail? They can’t talk much about their childhoods with joy. A lot of old people grew up in dark times. When my generation was young we’d get Legos stuck up our noses. When my grandparents were young they’d get tuberculosis stuck down their throats. That’s probably why old people talk about simple happier things. They’re glad to be out of the dark times. All I ask of old people is not to talk about their children with me like I should be impressed. Your son is 34. He should be all moved out of your home.

  1. Nifti says:

    I like because I love old people! And politely listen to the babble, and because this post is funny. Remind me to tell my best friend the next time she accuses me of keeping secrets, “We are adults, according to A Famous Mooselicker, I am not supposed to be fully honest with you!”

  2. Addie says:

    I’d have lots to say about this, but, I’ve forgotten most of the content already. Damn young whippersnapper.

  3. Oh yeah? Well, when I was your age, I … oh wait, that was yesterday. Never mind.

  4. Oldies sure do love to impart some knowledge on you while they have you in their hooks. Either that, or quietly look at you, waiting for you to talk at them because they can’t hear anything anyways.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m not sure if you’re really describing old people or me here. At least with their desperation for any attention you can always count on them for a shoulder to lean on. The shoulder is usually dusty and probably has diabetes, but it is a shoulder to pour your feelings into. I don’t mind old people and what they have to say. They just need to learn how to edit things down.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    I went to some pub quiz last Thursday and this old woman that knew my mates brother started telling me about Henry’s back problems and how the doctors don’t know what’s up with him and that he really struggled moving about. Yet he managed to somehow walk to the pub alright.

    After about 20 minutes I said, “Whose Henry?”
    “You know Henry, my husband!”

    Didn’t have a fucking clue.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Did I put that in this? I wrote it about two weeks ago so I have no memory of what I actually wrote. Old people always do that!!! It’s the first sign. Talking about their lives like they’re a TV program and you know all the players. Just say “my husband” and not their shared name. You only have one husband you old hag. It saves confusion.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        But I don’t know why they’d think I’d care; I guess I have that approachable way about me. It’s one of my less endearing qualities hah!

      • Mooselicker says:

        I have the same thing. Some girl was telling me about her dog. I thought it was her boyfriend for months when she would bring up the name haha

  6. This is the most awesome stupid story about stupid stories that I have ever… yawn… read… (just kidding… that was riveting… just like your relative, Rosie the riveter used to do)…

  7. Cafe says:

    There is definitely a lot of rambling that happens at times with old folks, but sometimes they have such awesome stories to tell about things you only read about in history books. Guess it’s the luck of the draw =P

    • Mooselicker says:

      Are you comparing talking to old people to deciding who the designated driver is? I think you are. Unless you’re comparing it to the girl who has to kiss me at the party. The short straw never seemed so short.

  8. Lily says:

    I remember one of my elderly neighbors in Indiana used to ask me if I saw the cute cat in the Fancy Feast commercial. Even when I was 9 I knew I should be conversing with better people. I think adults like to ask about work because they want to make sure they’re not the only ones wasting their life with work. Just as a casual check-in. Idk.

    • Mooselicker says:

      What a very glass-completely-empty theory you have there. I think you could be right though. Some people love their jobs though. I think they bring those up just so they have a reason to share a cute story about a vending machine nobody outside the office dares to care about.

      My neighbor when I was younger was so old he was like a kid. He would ask me what I was today and it was usually a spaceman or cowboy. He’s also the first dead body I ever saw. That ruined spacemen and cowboys for me. Toy Story seemed grim.

  9. That old couple’s expression is one I always tried to master but can’t. Hahahaha! You must love your grandparents a lot. I know I do, mine not yours. I love them too much I’d do everything to make them cranky. I could even write them a quasicondescending post but you already did. I hate unoriginality. Like anything is even truly original, but yeah. I think I should just treat them with a tour around the city’s lovely funeral gardens. It’s not so different from house hunting I guess.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Did I seem like I love my grandparents? 2 of them were dead before 1965, 1 I saw maybe 10 times ever, and the other is still alive and will probably never die. Getting divorced knocked a few years away from the reaper for her.

      You have my permission to write it anyway. As long as you end it this same way you ended this comment haha

  10. AgrippingLife says:

    I may be the only one who actually gets along really well with the old folks. I’ve worked in a couple nursing homes, etc. I used to run groups. I love them because they’ll say what ever they’re thinking. They have no more filters or censors left so they’ll just be completely honest. I love that. Plus, I like observing them so I can prepare for my own demise. Lastly, I figure if I’m nice to them then when it’s my turn I’ll have some good karma coming my way.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I need to meet more old people like this I think. I agree on the filter. What’s the point in holding back at this point? They’ve loved, they’ve lost, they’ve seen the world change.

      You’re so youthful at heart still. I couldn’t imagine you going through a demise.

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