Kids are mean. Other than maybe our parents, kids have supplied us with the majority of our emotional pain. It’s hard when you’re a kid to know who to watch out for and who to avoid. I am well aware children are much more advanced than they used to be. They’re having sex and reading blogs now. Perhaps a kid is reading this blog. Hi kid. Fuck you. Today I provide you with a guide on how to spot those bully classmates of yours. I could save your life with this post. You’ll grow up into an adult with no childhood trauma. Sure, you will be weak and unable to ever write a good book. But you will never have been bullied which I guess is a good thing if you want to never relate to anyone else ever again.

The inspiration for this post comes from a few minutes ago when I was walking to pay my rent. I usually walk to the main office to drop off the check because I enjoy black people hooting and hollering, shouting “go back to Europe white boy” from their windows. That is when I spotted a mean kid. I never saw him before. Yet I immediately could tell he would have a nickname like “Bruiser” or “Knuckles” before coming out of the closet. He rode his bike around the apartment complex. Bad kids always ride bikes. Bad adults do too. Have you ever heard of someone on a bike saving a baby from a car fire? Never! Lance Armstrong is a cheating fake. A kid in my neighborhood died years ago. I knew him somewhat. When my mom found out she said “Wasn’t he an asshole?” I said no. She insisted he was because he would ride his bike in the middle of the street, weaving in and out between cars. Maybe my mom was right. That does sound like something an asshole would do.

(Look at this criminal. They should lock him away before he learns how to speak)

Mean kids also sing songs which make no sense. My mean kid spotting on this day was no different. I could not tell if he was speaking Portuguese or was very unsatisfactory using his diaphragm properly to sing. It was like a sequel to Pop Goes the Weasel. He only apparently knew the hook because that is all he would sing. This kid was probably about 10-12. He was a white boy riding his bike in a black neighborhood (I’m only mentioning his race so you don’t think I’m racist) and being obnoxious. I almost hoped for a drug dealer to scream at him to shut up and learn the next verse. I spotted a black male with a Hispanic one walking toward the kid as I went back into my apartment. Maybe I was about to get my wish.

You might be asking what this mean kid was wearing? Creepy. Look at you, wondering about children’s clothing. Sick. He had on a muscle shirt, naturally. His skinny little white arms (I did mention he was white already so you don’t think I’m racist, right?) poked out. I never understood the muscle shirt. People can tell if you’ve got guns in a normal shirt. Why not dress that way? One time I rolled up my sleeves and a male friend of mine said “Wow, your arms are not as thin as I thought they were.” I asked if he wanted to touch them. Then we realized our conundrum. He had complimented me and I was there trying to take it a step further for my own self-satisfaction. Luckily we were able to get out of this moment by talking like pigs about all the women we encountered. If I had been a wearer of muscle shirts we might not have been able to get over this.

(Madonna has officially given up on caring about her clothing)

Hairdos can vary from mean kid to mean kid. A lot of them have partial mullets. Why is this? I guess I’d be really nasty if my parents gave me mullets too. Not to sound racist (like I haven’t already) but white people with mullets are rarely nice. Watch King of Kong for a prime example. Adult bully Billy Mitchell rocks a sweet one. Mullets of course being the only hairstyle that is rocked. Sometimes a mean kid will have things like Mohawks or other “tough in the 1970s” hairstyles. People who dawn these are rarely mean. They’re trying too hard. I had Mohawks for a while between ages of 19-22 so I can insult us. Mostly I wanted to separate myself from others. A part of it was wanting to look like Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Most importantly was I wanted short hair but also enjoy using shampoo. The perfect compromise for all my problems.

As far as mean girls go, they can be very obvious. There was a whole Lindsay Lohan movie about it. Girls who try to be what they think adults are will be the mean ones. Lots of makeup, accessories, and up-to-date fashion helps a girl to be mean. When a female has been pretty all her life she’s had everything given to her. Her dad bought her a bitchin car, her mom pays for her to get manicures by authentic Vietnamese people who still smell like Napalm, and men are constantly trying to charm her by stealing chicken burritos for them. I got that chicken burrito thing from reading the plot to Battleship. Really? Girls are impressed when you steal them chicken burritos? Alright then. I have been doing this completely wrong.

(“You thought you’ve been doing things wrong? I agreed to be in this piece of shite. I’m Liam Neeson. People used to respect me.” – Liam Neeson talking in 3rd person and saying shite like a Scottish person would)

I am terrible when it comes to interacting with children. I cannot even smile and wave at them. I need to turn and wave or stare at them menacingly until they shit themselves. You may have better ways to spot a mean kid based on how they look. The one thing you will always find is that mean kids are often misunderstood. Sure they make a lot of strange sound effects, think their desks are racecars, and turn me down to dance in 6th grade, but is it really their fault? Michael Winslow made a career out of making sound effects, racecar sounds are pretty cool, and no girl likes a timid fat kid asking her to boogy it to the latest Britney Spears song.* I don’t blame you mean kids for being so incredibly nasty. Someday you will make awesome DMV employees.

*No girl was asked to dance. They all seemed way too mean to even approach.

  1. Awesome post! Your spot-on observations never fail to educate and entertain us all! Rock on.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s the nicest way of saying “creepy person who stares out their window at children then blogs about it” anyone has ever come up with. Thanks!

  2. Addie says:

    No one is as mean as a mean girl. They make mean a whole new subject in school, and the Lindsay movie just scraped the top of the heap of the meanness of mean girls. It made mean look cool, which maybe it is if you are the mean girl. Plus, you are right about muscle shirts.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I thought the Lindsay Lohan Mean Girls weren’t so much mean as they were attractive, rich, and snobby. You’re totally right. They weren’t intimidating to the point where your life was in danger. I’ve known girls like that. Ones you know will end up in prison someday. Eek! I’m scared just thinking about these big mean lesbians.

  3. Smaktakula says:

    Thank you for referencing the dude from Police Academy. You know he appreciates it.

    Bikes are suspicious. Adults on bikes are particularly suspicious, never more so when it’s a kids’ bike.

  4. Lily and I love the movie, Mean Girls. It cracks me up. I could never be a mean girl. I was always rescuing/protecting all the kids that were getting picked on. I was the Mother Teresa to the loser crowd.
    I think if you have rotten parents, you’ll either end up mean like them, or super compassionate and sensitive. Psychologically speaking, both are ways of protecting yourself. Mean kids are actually scared underneath all their bravado. You can be 99% sure that they’re getting kicked around at home.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s true about everything. You always go exactly or the complete opposite. Even in who you date/marry. It’s happened to me too. Girls I date are always exactly like my mom or the complete opposite. My sister does the opposite. She dates black guys.

      You really wish you were a superhero don’t you? Not saying you aren’t one already to some of us 🙂

  5. Seems bullying is rampant these days. Years ago, people just let you get beat up. Now it’s an epidemic and calls for a YouTube video, haha. This is a hoot…I will now avoid all kids on bikes, even my own.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed. Kids on bikes are never good news. I never learned how to ride a bike. People who walk are always better than people on bikes. We don’t swerve. We stay out of people’s way.

  6. Lily says:

    I remember when we were younger, my brother and I nicknamed one of the people that when to his elementary school, The Kid Who Hates Kids. Hahah I don’t know why I find that so funny, but it sounds like something from Hey, Arnold! How are kids mean to other kids? Shouldn’t we all band together since we’re on the same team?

  7. Mean girls really are a special force of evil unto themselves. Addie’s right–the movie just scraped the surface, barely.

    In general I try not to interact with children very often because I’m convinced that they’re all latently as mean as the kids in Lord of the Flies.

  8. someservers says:

    Ahhh, stolen burritos… Gets ’em every time…

    Oh yeah, also great post. And you just made me feel a lot better about some of my tags.

  9. Top post here, Mr Moose.

    Especially for someone as racist as you.

  10. Come on, what’s there to hate with ’em mean kids? I love mean kids – especially if I can make them cry! Hahahaha! I think they’re cute, really. Not the evil kids though – like that Esther from the Orphan movie and this kid:
    Says there that kid throws a toddler in a pool so he could satisfy his curiosity about what it’s like to drown. I think I’ll run away from these kids before they can even say bitch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You just like bad boys. Admit it. You want a man who rides a motorcycle and never says he’s sorry. Does Dennis the Menace turn you on? I bet he does.

  11. Hilarious! Oh the memories…

  12. I believe that one ‘dons’ a hairdo, not ‘dawns’ it, unless it is early in the morning. But I don’t want you to think I am a mean kid who is just picking on you…

    • Mooselicker says:

      You only know that from “don we are now gay apparel” or however it goes.

      I finally got Microsoft Word 2010. Expect much fewer mistakes in the future.

  13. Pete Howorth says:

    I believe I said it best in my recent Vlog, kids are c**nts. ALL of em. Can you actually believe I saw a child with one of those rat tail hair cuts no long ago? Man I could have smashed his face in there and then and then his parents for letting him have his hair that way.

    I better stop talking about it now actually as it’s making me angry all over again.

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