I forget what year it was. Maybe 10th grade? A girl who looked like a frog walked into my class and told me to smile more, life‘s not so bad. I didn’t listen to her. What does she know? She’s a young teenage girl. She bases her favorite music on which bands have the most bleach tips in their hair. Her favorite movie is whatever she saw this past weekend. Everything else has slipped her mind. Looking back now at everything she had a point. Life’s not so bad. I should have smiled more. Even if the teacher would frequently forget my name, the one kid who I tried to make friends with was afraid of me due to my largeness, and only the Haitian girl in class showed me any friendship, there was plenty to smile about.

(Thank you friend. Your advice has stuck with me through the years)

Frogface is not the only person who thinks smiling is a good thing. I have read online articles about it too. They claim smiling can help you attract a mate. It’ll help you land a better job. Smiling helps form rainbows. I believe smiling is positive because it lets others know you’re happy. I want to be happy! I want to be around people who are happy too. Not super happy. People who are only happy enough where they enjoy their misery. That level of happiness is where I want to rot away and die alone with. When you smile you let everyone know you’re not thinking about brain tumors. Who wants to talk to someone who randomly thinks about brain tumors? Not me. Too depressing.

I think I have a nice smile. I think it so often then I take a picture of myself scowling and I’ll think how badass I look. I go through a phase of never smiling after that. Children cower. Renegade bikers dive into alley ways to avoid me. Police officers quit their jobs. There’s no serving or protecting with me around. I’m a one man army. After a while I’ll smile again. The process repeats. I cannot stop smiling. Usually it’s thinking about the pain of others, but it’s still smiling. Still, charming. Still, helping to light up the world and warm the oceans a little bit more.

 (This is too precious. Even though he hates dogs, every time Michael Vick is sacked or throws an interception, this cute little kitty gives us this image)

Unfortunately not everyone has a smile that could impregnate a virgin beaver like I do. A bad smile is usually in the teeth. People with big teeth, gross teeth, yellow teeth, whatever kind of teeth not perfect will have bad smiles. Lack of dimples hurts too. Everyone wants to kiss someone with dimples. I have amazing dimples. I could squeeze a quarter in there. A good smile is one of those things which can make or break a person. On a shallow level of course. But when have I ever not been shallow? A good smile is the difference between overlooking other flaws or not. Who wants to date someone with a bad smile? That’s only a good idea if you plan on making them miserable. Didn’t Seinfeld date a girl with a bad laugh? I’ve only seen the show sporadically. I know he’s real into women with shoulder pads.

(My favorite Seinfeld episode was the one where he got his date confused with Brian Urlacher due to the similar size in shoulders)

When a girl smiles at me I smile back. It’s something I don’t even think about. It just happens. I know, you’re thinking I’m always being smiled at and whatnot. I’m actually not. I chalk it up to being so intimidating. I’ve got shoulders Atlas would be jealous of. And he has a shoulder muscle named after him! I’m one of those people who enters the room and everyone shushes. They turn to each other and with whispers inform each other who I am. A few bow. Others hound me for autographs. Okay, so I’m exaggerating. With the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey I’m thinking about writing my own fan fiction to please myself. The story centers around everyone being amazed and wanting to touch me. Sounds bad? They said the same thing about Timecop and that was the highest grossing Jean Claude Van Damme movie when it came out.

 (The best part in Timecop. When the Michael Rapaport bad guy look-alike gets his arm frozen then kicked off. This actually took place on my birthday so it’s pretty near and dear to me)

My aim is to try to smile more in life. I do not come off as a very friendly person. Ever. I actually am not friendly either. I’m nice. Just not friendly. The difference is a friendly person will go up to you and say hi. A nice person doesn’t poop in your shoe when you’re showering. I could never poop in a shoe. I’d feel like I would have to fill up the whole thing. Mighty large work! So with that said, maybe I should not smile more. I should probably smile the same amount I have always smiled. If I’m always smiling people will think I’m friendly. Then they’ll be upset when I make analogies about shoe pooping. Friendly people don’t poop. They’re so full of shit.

“Smile, you’ve got French’s!” – advertisement for French’s mustard and what Eva Braun would tell Hitler when he was feeling down for not fully controlling Europe

Comments
  1. I’m so much more attracted to people who smile and laugh. It’s like a magnet that pulls you in. It feels safe. People who smile seem kinder and friendlier and more open.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Totally agree. That’s why I’m doing it more. Who wants to talk to a Frank the Frowner? I’ve got good teeth too and no health insurance. If the dentist isn’t seeing them someone has to.

  2. 888 more words… slacker… lazabout… loafer… takingtheeasywayouter…
    On the other hand, I am a busy guy, so no worries.
    Now, where do I start? I posted that I have had a mustache since I was about 14. This is because if I do not have the hairy camouflage I look like I am smiling all the time. Only idiots smile all the time. Also, it is a condescending sort of a smile, which nobody likes.
    You say you have a nice smile, and that helps overcome your personality defects… But sooner or later you have to open your mouth for something other than showing off your pearly whites. This is the crucial moment in a new relationship for you. I have to believe that we should all have a mouth that matches our true personality. Not just how nice we can be when we are faking it. Anybody can do that for short periods of time. Hitler had friends. Manson had friends. Even Dick Cheney had friends, and he likes to shoot them in the face. That is exactly what I am talking about. Sharks look like they are smiling. I bet a lot of fish and seals are thinking to themselves, ‘hey, that guy looks friendly’ right before the great white goes in for the kill.
    Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think you are actually going to end up eating many… uh… any of us. But I have been reading about your tortured inner workings for a while now, and while your smile might cause rainbows, your thoughts sometimes make fish and seals nervous…
    And why did you mention Seinfeld right after giving me a hard time because I spelled it wrong? Was that your subtle way of taking a bite out of my ass… figuratively speaking, of course?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t know where to start in response to this. You seem to have issues with my boyish charm. Ya see, you put a lot of marbles in the sack hoping it’s your mustache that attracts friends, women, and fortune. I do the same with my smile. Isn’t a mustache just a hairy smile when you think about it?

      It’s rare I read closely enough to notice mistakes. For you though I am checking extra carefully.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    I mostly scowl, especially when I walk into bars I’ve never been in before, that way they know I mean business.

    Just be careful, you smile too much people will think you’re Josef Fritzl.

  4. It’s funny how guys barely smile back when you smile at them. I remember being surprised when a guy suddenly answered my smile.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do you have a deformity on your face? That could be it. I know I always blush when a girl smiles at me. I’m caught off guard. Scared. Frightened. When the guys do smile back then you know you’re golden.

      • A deformity? Man alive, I’m a babe! A beauty! 😉
        I talked about smiling with my brother, who said it’s hard to smile back spontaneously, which is quite true. It always feels like i’m smiling back weirdly when someone suddenly smiles at me.

        Smiling is an art, but at least I know now how to make you blush: *smiles*

      • Mooselicker says:

        I’m not blushing. It’s just eczema.

  5. Smaktakula says:

    Although I consider myself both nice and friendly, I’m not above pooping in a shoe.

  6. I hate it when people tell me to smile. For some reason it’s always from homeless people.

    I always loved the Seinfeld ep about the date with man hands. I thought I’d be broken up with because of my huge hands one day because of it. *tear* It hit a little too close to home!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Then you have to smile. If someone with such a bad life as a homeless person demands something you must do it. They could have a rusty knife!

      How big of hands? Can you palm EB’s head?

  7. Lily says:

    I smile a lot. It wouldn’t seem like it from my blog, but I do. I’m always laughing at my own jokes or making fun of people or stuff that’s supposed to be serious. Idk. Sometimes I smile at random people and they think I’m on a drugs or something. Idk. Whenever I catch myself not smiling, I feel bad. I’m going to have the worst smile lines aka wrinkles when I’m older.

  8. I don’t come off as a friendly person but I’m really very friendly myself. Wow, even I could not believe that. I know, I know, we should all try to smile more (as if I don’t get enough reminders from my mom). What to do with my buck teeth should be other people’s problem not mine. And unlike you, I don’t even have a dimple. Oh well.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re friendly in the same way I am. You don’t push people but you also don’t tell pushers to stop pushing. I let other people make the first move in a friendship. Why are we so alone?

  9. Stacy Keach says:

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  10. You ARE such a badass, calling her a frog face. Geesh. Certainly leaves much to the imagination! Remember to smile 😉

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hey, it’s okay if I call her frog face. Anyone who gives unsolicited advice is warrant for judgment. Sadly she was probably the closest to a female friend I had in high school. Probably because I called girls who actually paid attention to me amphibious names.

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