Posted: July 5, 2012 in Uncategorized
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As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a fan of gangster movies. They’re like Seinfeld to me. I know the quotes, I know the stories, but there’s just something about them I don’t dig. Tolerable would be the word I would use to describe these two. I get why other people love these. They’re not for me. It’s like seeing someone you can acknowledge is attractive yet you have little attraction to them. Jennifer Aniston is like that with me. She has nothing wrong with her. On no planet would I ever call her ugly (except maybe Venus because I read the atmosphere there does a lot of damage to your skin), but she’s not someone with a face my DNA fawns for. I understand why Brad Pitt left her. She’s so–plain?

(The Sarangeti Plain is less plain than Jennifer Aniston)

The godfather of gangster movies is The Godfather. The Godfather of grunge is Neil Young. The Godfather of me is a gay crackhead I don’t think I’ve ever met. I watched The Godfather for the first time about a year ago. I think I ate a Subway sandwich when I watched it. I was going through a phase where on my days off from work I had to watch a movie and eat a Subway sandwich. I don’t eat sandwiches much anymore because of the excessive carbohydrates provided through bread. I blame The Godfather for this. Putting Marlon Brando in the film has made me watch my weight excessively. He played a character who looked believable enough to die during horseplay with an orange in his mouth. I don’t want to turn out that way. To sum up my reaction to the film, it felt like I was watching a highlight reel of unfunny scenes from hilarious parodies. Oh so shocking a horse head in the bed. Look, he’s getting shot at one of those lifty things you need to go through at a parking garage. Maybe the film has been saturated over time. I enjoyed it, but not hearing Al Pacino do a ridiculous voice almost felt wrong.

Speaking of Al Pacino and ridiculousness, Scarface is way over hyped. I knew this movie was going to stink when I watched it on TV and turned it on during the “Push it to the Limit” montage. A tiger on a chain? What a terrible wedding gift! This movie felt like it was a bunch of tan Italians pretending to be mean Cubans. I guess that actually is what the film was in its simplest form. I don’t know why it’s so big with girls. Why would a women ever like this movie? It’s about cocaine drug dealers. The lead character abuses women and wants to have sex with his sister. Did he even have a scar on his face? Way to take an awesome nickname from a real life syphilis gangster and turn it into a violent life action cartoon.

(Yes Paris, I did say syphilis. But I was not talking about you. It’s not always about you)

I will completely skip over Carlito’s Way. I fell asleep during that one. Instead I want to tell you there are certain films considered gangster movies which are not. Anything by Tarantino is not a gangster movie. Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, the one with the black people nobody likes because it makes us feel uncomfortable, are not gangster movies. They’re something else. Yeah, there are gangsters in them. I have to lump everything Tarantino does into its own category. I love that Tarantino wrote the line “That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.” yet he never lets us enjoy any silence with his 12 minute-goes-nowhere-scenes.

Who I considered the master of gangster movies would be Martin Scorcese. He made the one gangster movie I actually did enjoy, The Departed. Why did I enjoy it? Probably because it wasn’t a bunch of Italians talking about how their mama’s make the best pasta. It didn’t feel like the others I had seen. Scorcese’s other big gangster movies include Casino, a couple thousand films with Robert Deniro which came out between 1973 and 1988, and Goodfellas. Goodfellas which I consider the definition of the perfect gangster movie. Star-studded, violent, full of swearing, and able to bore me to death.

(“My mama makes the best pasta brhoifjaushjfuui3hkf*3bnj!” – every Italian guy talking about his mom’s cooking. Mumbling through what it really is doesn’t make it look or taste any better)

It has been years since I actually saw Goodfellas. I saw it once. I couldn’t tell you one part I enjoyed. Maybe if I watched it again I might enjoy it a little bit more, but I don’t have time to risk it. The biggest problem with my Goodfellas hatred is I have no justification for it. Something never clicked in my brain to tell me this was enjoyable. With other films like the Guy Ritchie disasters, I can chalk it up to not being able to understand a single word. With not liking Goodfellas it has prevented me from bothering with other films. I’ve never seen Donnie Brasco. I’ve seen What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? I know this Johnny Depp movie would be much higher on my list of favorite films. A Bronx Tale has never rolled in front of my eyes. I loved the Chaz Palmenteri Vanilla Coke commercials yet I have never seen his pride and joy.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who dislike these gangster movies? I don’t talk to too many Italian people so this could be behind the issue. Where do I even meet Italian people? Pizza joint? Female mustache removal shop?

  1. Billy Bats says:

    Nice post. Now go get your fuckin shine box!!

  2. Smaktakula says:

    I’m inclined largely to agree with you, although I’d broaden the scope to include caper movies. I do love the Godfather, but agree that Scarface is overrated. Moreover, while it is a tragic story (in that Scarface is the author of all his own undoing), I found it very hard to empathize with a coked-out thug. Goodfellas, while not heinous, is certainly overrated. Joe Pesci is caricatured, and the hero of the story is a snitch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Assurance! All I’ve ever wanted was some assurance I am not crazy for my ways. Caper movies are pretty bad. I don’t even know what the big ones are.

      There are certain movies I think lots of people convince themselves they like because it’s a cool movie to be a fan of. Mobster movies are probably those.

  3. I’m not a fan of gangster movies either. The Godfather and Goodfellas are the only ones I like. Otherwise I just can’t get into them. And if it’s any consolation, Jennifer Aniston does nothing for me either.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I find a lot more people agree on the Jennifer Aniston thing than they do on gangster movies. Somehow these two are connected. I have to figure out how though…

  4. Lily says:

    Ughgh I hate The Godfather. So boring and dumb. The wedding scene feels like an actual wedding for people you don’t even know. I heard Casino is good. I really like Goodfellas. At least there’s some good story and it’s kind of true to what Italians are like–really annoying and loud? And Ray Liotta is really good in it. I had to watch Donny Brasco for a pysch class randomly. The only thing I remember is Johnny Depp saying “forgettaboutit” over 100 times.

    • Mooselicker says:

      What nationality even is Johnny Depp? He/she seems like it has no actual race. Maybe the key for you is a gangster movie has to be based on truth. That’s my theory that goes nowhere.

  5. breezyk says:

    keep the change ya filthy animal. <— I was sad to discover this classic home alone line is not from a real gangster movie at all.
    I know nothing about Gangster movies… so that there is my value add. Oh, and I liked The Departed too.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The “keep the change ya filthy animal” guy always reminded me of Gene Hackman. I think if anything this shows us how cheap Speilberg is where he can’t even get a clip from a real movie to use. That is if memory is correct and Speilberg did produce Home Alone. I like to think he put his hands in everything between 1976-1999.

  6. A gripping life says:

    One of the best things about Scorsese movies… The sound tracks. He’s able to get amazing music in his films. I’m not big on the uber violence, either. It’s gross.
    Jennifer Aniston is so plain that she’s boring. She’s always the same.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I never really noticed the music in his films. Taxi Driver is the only one of his movies I’ve seen more than once, but I’m also obsessive about it.

  7. Love the post – check out “The Long Good Friday” a late 70’s British Gangster classic – Brosnan, Hoskins and Mirren are all in it – you will be saying “Fackin’ ‘Ell You Cant” for days afterwards.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Coming from a Ginger this is a great compliment.

      Pierce Brosnan, Bob Hoskins, and Helen Mirren? I will check it out even if those are not the corresponding first names. Thanks!

  8. Addie says:

    For gangsta movies, I like ‘The Usual Suspects’ the most. Have you given that one a go? As for Jennifer, she has great upper arms. I’m obsessed with upper arms these days.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The Usual Suspects was one of my hated films of all time! It was almost as bad as Contact. Keep in mind I was also about 7 when my parents tried getting me to watch it. I’m not sure if my opinion might be a little off once I do give it a real watch since I know who Kaiser Whatshisname is.

      Upper arms? Do you mean biceps or shoulders?

  9. Okay okay, it is spelled Seinfeld… I get it…
    Some movies, if watched years later, have to be put in historical perspective. Like the first Star Trek, they might seem hokey now, but they were cutting edge when they came out.
    Why do we glorify criminals in movies anyway? I blame Robin Hood. Like giving it to the poor would be an excuse in court. You would just be a dumb criminal, and the other criminals would be mean to you in prison.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think we all in secret want to be those criminals. Not too many people are really influenced much by movies. John Hinckley Jr. is the only one I can think of and he was such a bad shot he couldn’t hit Reagan’s ego.

      • I tried being a criminal… I never robbed anybody or hurt anybody, but I didn’t follow rules well. It can be fun, but the stakes are high and the rewards are low. It takes more work than a lousy job does.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You’re a good person down in the heart is why you struggled with it. And choosing a life of being a good samaritan has given you a wonderful and beautiful family.

      • How much happy juice did you drink?
        That was almost sweet.
        And I can’t even argue with you, because you are right, which you are at least half the time.

      • Mooselicker says:

        3 out of 10 make a Hall of Famer.

        Let’s say I’ve been in a sentimental mood of late. Don’t expect it to last. Even the walls of Jericho came tumbling down.

      • Sports and bible quotes at the same time. You have started shooting smack… or your hat is heating your head to a dangerous level… But I am going to enjoy your new happy sunny outlook.

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