As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a fan of gangster movies. They’re like Seinfeld to me. I know the quotes, I know the stories, but there’s just something about them I don’t dig. Tolerable would be the word I would use to describe these two. I get why other people love these. They’re not for me. It’s like seeing someone you can acknowledge is attractive yet you have little attraction to them. Jennifer Aniston is like that with me. She has nothing wrong with her. On no planet would I ever call her ugly (except maybe Venus because I read the atmosphere there does a lot of damage to your skin), but she’s not someone with a face my DNA fawns for. I understand why Brad Pitt left her. She’s so–plain?
(The Sarangeti Plain is less plain than Jennifer Aniston)
The godfather of gangster movies is The Godfather. The Godfather of grunge is Neil Young. The Godfather of me is a gay crackhead I don’t think I’ve ever met. I watched The Godfather for the first time about a year ago. I think I ate a Subway sandwich when I watched it. I was going through a phase where on my days off from work I had to watch a movie and eat a Subway sandwich. I don’t eat sandwiches much anymore because of the excessive carbohydrates provided through bread. I blame The Godfather for this. Putting Marlon Brando in the film has made me watch my weight excessively. He played a character who looked believable enough to die during horseplay with an orange in his mouth. I don’t want to turn out that way. To sum up my reaction to the film, it felt like I was watching a highlight reel of unfunny scenes from hilarious parodies. Oh so shocking a horse head in the bed. Look, he’s getting shot at one of those lifty things you need to go through at a parking garage. Maybe the film has been saturated over time. I enjoyed it, but not hearing Al Pacino do a ridiculous voice almost felt wrong.
Speaking of Al Pacino and ridiculousness, Scarface is way over hyped. I knew this movie was going to stink when I watched it on TV and turned it on during the “Push it to the Limit” montage. A tiger on a chain? What a terrible wedding gift! This movie felt like it was a bunch of tan Italians pretending to be mean Cubans. I guess that actually is what the film was in its simplest form. I don’t know why it’s so big with girls. Why would a women ever like this movie? It’s about cocaine drug dealers. The lead character abuses women and wants to have sex with his sister. Did he even have a scar on his face? Way to take an awesome nickname from a real life syphilis gangster and turn it into a violent life action cartoon.
(Yes Paris, I did say syphilis. But I was not talking about you. It’s not always about you)
I will completely skip over Carlito’s Way. I fell asleep during that one. Instead I want to tell you there are certain films considered gangster movies which are not. Anything by Tarantino is not a gangster movie. Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, the one with the black people nobody likes because it makes us feel uncomfortable, are not gangster movies. They’re something else. Yeah, there are gangsters in them. I have to lump everything Tarantino does into its own category. I love that Tarantino wrote the line “That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.” yet he never lets us enjoy any silence with his 12 minute-goes-nowhere-scenes.
Who I considered the master of gangster movies would be Martin Scorcese. He made the one gangster movie I actually did enjoy, The Departed. Why did I enjoy it? Probably because it wasn’t a bunch of Italians talking about how their mama’s make the best pasta. It didn’t feel like the others I had seen. Scorcese’s other big gangster movies include Casino, a couple thousand films with Robert Deniro which came out between 1973 and 1988, and Goodfellas. Goodfellas which I consider the definition of the perfect gangster movie. Star-studded, violent, full of swearing, and able to bore me to death.
(“My mama makes the best pasta brhoifjaushjfuui3hkf*3bnj!” – every Italian guy talking about his mom’s cooking. Mumbling through what it really is doesn’t make it look or taste any better)
It has been years since I actually saw Goodfellas. I saw it once. I couldn’t tell you one part I enjoyed. Maybe if I watched it again I might enjoy it a little bit more, but I don’t have time to risk it. The biggest problem with my Goodfellas hatred is I have no justification for it. Something never clicked in my brain to tell me this was enjoyable. With other films like the Guy Ritchie disasters, I can chalk it up to not being able to understand a single word. With not liking Goodfellas it has prevented me from bothering with other films. I’ve never seen Donnie Brasco. I’ve seen What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? I know this Johnny Depp movie would be much higher on my list of favorite films. A Bronx Tale has never rolled in front of my eyes. I loved the Chaz Palmenteri Vanilla Coke commercials yet I have never seen his pride and joy.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who dislike these gangster movies? I don’t talk to too many Italian people so this could be behind the issue. Where do I even meet Italian people? Pizza joint? Female mustache removal shop?