This November is a big one for the United States of America. On the first Tuesday after the first Monday is Election Day. It is on this day where droves of old people drive out to elementary schools early in the morning to vote, teenage adults cast their ballots based on who Stephan Colbert likes most, and people like me wonder how this can be considered a holiday if I still have to go to work. There are of course other positions being voted upon other than president. We don’t really care about them until they do something silly like accept money from the mafia or kill an intern. Whether we take notice or not, they are the candidates for the political positions. They make tough decisions on how we should live our lives. Here is their story.
Actually no. I’m not going to talk about different political candidates. I don’t want to leave out my Canadian, English, or Indian readers. The Patel and Singh Families would be completely lost. Do Indian people ever have a last name other than Patel or Singh? People outside the United States probably don’t have any idea who Barack Obama even is. I mean, I have no clue who their leader is so why would they know mine? I’m a smart American. I took geography and eat at a French restaurant once a week. I know more about the world than anyone else.
(I have to admit, this is pretty much what I was taught in school)
What I really want to say today is that I am officially announcing my candidacy. Not for any particular position. I would prefer president. They make the most money. The Washington Nationals are also doing pretty good this season and I wouldn’t mind riding the bandwagon in town. I would willingly accept other political positions. Not in any shit town in the middle of nowhere though. Places where you settle arguments with midget tossing do not peak my interest. These are the same towns wealth is measured by the girth of your daughter’s stomach. If you live in a place like this please do not cast your vote for me. Unless I can win M&M’s. I’ve been craving them and won’t feel guilty about eating a bag if given to me via contest victory.
What would I exactly bring to the table as a politician? Things would never be uninteresting. Between the parody songs on television making fun of me and the violent Anarchy on the streets, you will never be bored. But I do have an actual platform. If elected I will grant one wish for every person I rule with an iron fist over. I would go off Genie from Aladdin rules. No bringing anyone back from the dead, no killing anyone, I cannot make someone fall in love with you, and no helping out a Ginger. I know that wasn’t in the movie, but the term Ginger wasn’t popular back then. Plus they figured if they added it in they might look foolish for coming out with The Little Mermaid. It was a rule though. Check the deleted scenes. It’s right after the one where Aladdin is racially profiled at the airport.
(So that’s why he doesn’t wear shoes! Saves him the hassle when he tries flying on Continental)
A presidential election lasts four years long. Unless you get shot. I don’t plan on getting shot as president. I will make us an isolated country. The army’s job would be to protect our borders. No longer will those filthy Alaskans be allowed into our fine country. I would spend most of these four years sitting down with those who have earned a wish. I’m pretty sure most of the wishes would be spending a day with me or possibly a simple kiss on the cheek. Trust me, I am a fantastic cheek kisser. I never miss! Start thinking about your wish now. Like a first impression, you only get one. Except when you’re talking to your grandpa. He thinks you’re someone different each time you visit.
The perfect thing about having me as a politician is I have no dirt on me. None that I’m hiding at least. Yes I’ve said “fuck” in public. Of course I’ve called a woman a whore. There is no doubt I’ve farted and blamed a non-existent dog. I’ve done everything that gets a president impeached. There will be no shocking moments from my past. You elected Obama for change? How’s this for a change, no more lies. I will tell you exactly what the score is with Roswell. I’ll let you know what really happened on 9/11. Have you ever been interested in knowing the names of each Illuminati member? Casting your vote for me will get you this. Act now and I’ll throw in a crappy exercise band all for free.
(I’m so sure this is all she ever does. Too bad they don’t show her arguing at Denny’s about how she can’t eat anything boiled during her cut)
Never have I run for office before. I’m not one of those fat cats with experience. Experience? More like tired and old. Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes you robotic. You’re joining a movement. A revolution. I will make sure you each become a member of the 1%! Mostly because I plan on myself being the .0005% as I will have a few hundred gazillion dollars. But you’ll all be equal and isn’t that what America is about? Equality and making the same amount of money as everyone else? There’s nothing more Democratic than that.
The time is nigh. Do you want politicians who do not grant wishes, hide secrets of aliens, and are poor kissers of the cheek? Of course you don’t. You’re a sane person who has everything figured out. Vote for me. Whatever it is, give me your vote.
Anyone who comes up with a great campaign slogan gets to be my running mate. If the position I win does not have a running mate than I’ll buy you a six-pack of Heineken instead.