100 Calorie Packs

Some argue what the greatest invention in the last ten years has been. People will say things like the iPod, the iPhone, or other products that are fun to smash. I have to disagree completely. My favorite invention is the 100 calorie pack. Bags of food containing exactly 100 calories, give or take if you actually do the correct math based on the macronutrients on the back which I have found when I have done can sometimes be off by a total of 30. These heroes of dieters have flown under the radar. They’re never on the cover of Life Magazine or making an appearance in Taylor Swift music videos. It’s time these desserts got their just desserts.

(This picture turns me on slightly)

Supermarkets are filled with 100 calorie packs nowadays. That was not always the case. Before you would have to get a Ding Dong and throw half in your neighbor’s mailbox to save the calories. Not anymore. Options have risen as well. I remember when these awesome inventions first came along we were very limited. Now every evil corporation under the sun makes these products. Even the Quaker Brand, who are run by vampires and never see the sun, have gotten in on the action. Options can make me nervous, but with so many wonderful ones out there it makes me jump for joy!

(Into their boyfriend’s arms, off bridges, or along side block lettering gays love to jump)

My old school favorites were the cinnamon muffins, the little chocolate bites, and the banana muffins. I totally forgot about the banana muffins. I am almost tempted to put some pants on right now and go to the store and eat a box. I won’t though. Too many people to run into outside my lowly apartment. I used to eat 100 calorie packs like I was the Pacific Ocean and they were Hawaiians paddling on a makeshift raft. These packs would be devoured by me. My lunch would consist of 4 packs of whatever ones I was in the mood for. Not realizing this was as healthy as maybe eating a whole donut instead, I managed to keep my ever-present sexy wet sponge figure. I’m sure I am not the only person to have a problem wanting to eat the entire box of 100 calorie packs. With all those strange addictions out there, I know I’m not alone.

Why exactly do I think 100 calorie packs are a great invention? It’s simple. They satisfy that need for something sweet in your mouth. Instead of getting ice cream, a candy bar, or an entire wedding cake like I have thought about doing, you get 100 simple calories you would probably exercise off anyway with a light 7 hour jog in place. People who jog in place are always big fans of 100 calorie packs. They also call them 1CP’s to save time. Not to be confused with ICP which stands for Insane Clown Posse. Insane Clown Posse fans frighten me. I don’t know a single one of their songs. They remind me of an angry version of KISS.

(Aren’t ICP fans called jugglers or something? Because clowns juggle. Clowns are also idiots who didn’t pay attention in school. I like that name better)

We’re in a time of fad diets and 1CP’s are there to help. I heard a girl recently talk about her fad diet. She said how today she could eat up to 8 bananas and could drink half a gallon of milk. The next day she could eat 12 ounces of steak, but she would have to also eat 5 whole tomatoes. This is no way to live. Did she ever stop and think this is insane? This diet works because it’s starvation. It has specific directions on what to eat which seems to be a lot of people’s problems. She’s not even all that overweight. I mean yeah she should lose 5 pounds or so if she ever wants a man to love her. But this diet is not the way to go. I had hidden in the girl’s YMCA locker room hoping to see some hot lesbian action. Instead I was privy to hearing how some people could hate themselves so much that they would fall for such a dumb trap. I’m pretty sure she gave up on the diet. She couldn’t make it through the day of eating 11 oranges and 2 and a half pistachios.

I hope 100 calorie packs stick around. Really, I do. I hardly eat them but I feel like they helped keep me from getting really fat. I’m sure others have had the same experience. There are so many wonderful products available too. Chocolates, pretzels, nuts, chocolates pretzel nuts, everything you could ever crave. I love 100 calorie packs. I really do. Probably more than any person I’ve ever met. They don’t judge me. I know exactly what I’m getting. 100 calories of deliciousness. If these grew from trees, Adam and Eve would have been kicked out of Eden the first shot they had. Could you blame them? Banana muffins are their own paradise.

(Too many nice things and too many lights on. These are always the homes where murders happen at. I would much rather have that banana muffin than ever live here)

30 days until the end of the world. I suggest loading up on these delicious snacks for your impending doom.