I’m full of wisdom. I’m also full of blood. Most living people are full of blood. I don’t think Frankenstein is. Actually he’s probably dead now again from old age. I wonder if anyone knew Frankenstein during his first time living and then met up with him again after he was brought back to life. That must be hard to have to go to his funeral twice. Annoying too. I imagine Frankenstein’s second funeral was mostly people catching up on what they’ve done since the last one. Few people probably cried. Except maybe the little girl he gave a flower to. She didn’t know Frankenstein before the reanimation. She only know the bolt in the neck guy.

(Every father’s worst nightmare. His daughter goes out on her own and some suave monster flirts her up saying how she’s beautiful and creative even when she isn’t. Girls fall for everything)

I’m not here to talk about Frankenstein. I’m here to talk about sage advice. One of them is to never start a post about giving people advice with your thoughts on Frankenstein. But more importantly I want to give you the best piece of advice I have. That advice is to move out of your parent’s house as fast as you can. Continue on and I will explain why this is the most important thing you can do in life.

I feel you cannot possibly grow until you are living on your own away from your parents. Did you ever see that Matthew McConaughy movie Failure to Launch? If you said yes you’re lying. Everyone who saw it jumped in front of a train within a week. The basic premise was about “failing” to “launch” from your parent’s home. Somehow failure to launch the space shuttle Challenger was much more entertaining and humorous than this disaster film.

 (This is the only American disaster to ever have a pair of pigtails)

More and more people aren’t moving out on their own. They can’t because things cost money. It’s not the way things used to be. Back when women were like female dinosaurs and really had no choice in who they would sleep with. I remember watching a dinosaur documentary. A long neck went up to another long neck and had his way with her doggy style. Doggies didn’t even exist yet mind you. I always thought this was strange. There’s no courting involved? Where was I going with this? Ah yes, fear of not being able to afford the things you want if you have to pay rent. Remember though, girls don’t want to go home with a guy who has roommates who spawned him. Instead of taking her out to eat and paying those expensive Ruby Tuesday’s burger prices, you can take her back to your place and not have to tip extra because you feel guilty for sitting there for 2 hours. I think I’m neurotic.

Why do I think you should move out? It’s liberating. You can walk around naked. I love walking around naked. Even though I know for a fact you can see into my apartment from the right angle, I do it anyway. Little Jamal on his bike, it’s about time he sees what a man can grow up to look like in the nude if his curiosity so tempts him. Keep in mind I rarely sit around in the nude. That feels gross. Dog hairs attach themselves to my ass. So does lint and the occasional stray bloody booger that has fallen out during a coughing fit. My nude ass placed anywhere is a magnet for disgusting objects.

(Once I sat down on the couch and found a wet Kristen Stewart attached to my ass cheek. Gross! Stop being so frumpy. It’s not attractive)

Living on your own is also great because it gives you a hiding place. Don’t want to see anybody? Stay at home! Most homes have these things called locks. I know there are some towns in the world where nobody locks their doors. Then why have the lock? You were ripped off. You’re a rube. People cannot enter your home when doors remain locked. Unless they can walk through walls or have the same bone structure as a mouse. I enjoy the privacy in my home. Except that little space between the windows where you can look in. I love that. I love to ruin a child.

Moving out is scary as hell. Anyone who tells you differently is my 58-year-old uncle who still lives at home. I was afraid to leave my apartment the first 3 months. I was afraid I would never come back or something would go wrong while I was away. Then I went to a nearby Salvation Army to kill time and remember I have no friends. When I returned my key would not fit in the lock. I had to have Ted the Maintenance Man make a quick copy for me. He did so with a smile and a strange stain on his face. I’m thinking he helped unclog a toilet earlier and this splashed on him.

(Ted the Maintenance Man with a shit stain on his forehead. When I move out his boss is going to probably tell him to “tear down that drywall.” Way too much damage to it not to be replaced)

What one thing would you recommend a younger person do? Don’t say “live life like there’s no tomorrow.” Because for you old person, there might not be.

  1. Addie says:

    Seriously? Always take culpability for your actions.

    Back to Frank N. Stein–why was his head flat? I never figured that out. And, I’m pretty sure he killed the little girl by petting her head too hard, or was that Lenny and the rabbit? I get my classic books mixed up on occasion.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I forgot Frankenstein was a book! I thought he was some throwaway character for Monster Squad. Wolfman’s got nards!

      Good advice though. My advice is to also find the full definition of culpability. I’m thinking responsibility?

  2. My advice to young people … “Listen to older people and believe them when they tell you ‘you don’t know everything’.”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh come on! I went to a college and twice I got the last question on Jeopardy! right. Boys always tell me how smart and creative I am. Pfff I know more than you.

      But really, I live by your code. Older people always have something to offer.

  3. Tim, this may have been your most rambling disjointed post yet, and still, I liked it. Go figure. I really wasn’t sure what to expect with the title, “Sages” because you always veer off.
    My advice is for you to keep writing because I really do enjoy your crazy train of thought. All aboard!!!!!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you! I am beaming like a bride on her wedding day from the compliments.

      You can always tell I fell asleep while writing a post when I toss in an “ah where were we?” which I did in this case.

  4. joehoover says:

    pissed myself over the pig tails shuttle, my friend thought it in bad taste. note to self: make new friends

  5. That sure was a rambly one, Mooselicker. Rambly and now I have some strange images stuck in my head. Thanks.

    My advice to the young ‘uns: Your parents don’t know everything, and neither does anyone else. Trust your gut.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Was it that much of a ramble? I never notice when I do those things.

      Good advice though. I think pretty early on we realize how unknowledgeable our folks are.

      • It was a ramble but in a good way. I was able to follow the trail of bread crumbs you left for us, so it’s all good.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Ok just so long as you’re not too dizzy. Sometimes when having people try to follow my bread crumbs I seem to randomly toss a bunch into the air. Things can be difficult to see which direction I went in.

  6. Brother Jon says:

    Lets see, advice for young peps. Cliches, Euphemisms, Sayings & Figures of Speech came about for a reason. More times than not they are true. And, listening to your dumb friends makes you dumb too.

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    I have yet to move out and it pisses me off. I was set to move out with a friend a few months ago until I was fired from that ghastly job I had. Now I’m back to having no money again! Agh! It’s annoying because most of my friends are moved out now. Apart from my mate Will, but that’s because his mothers in her 70s because she’s a bit of a dirty cow and had him when she was in her 50s, so my plan now is to wait for her to die and move in with him. Then my parents die, sell the house and move to Hawaii.

    • Mooselicker says:

      When did your friends move out? I know English kids grow up faster, but even at my age which is only 2 less than yours I don’t see too many people living on their own. Girls always wait until they get married. Guys wait until they find some girl to get married to.

      Trust me dude, you will love it once you get away from those pestering parents.

      What’s your advice for younger kids? I know you have something good.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        A few of them moved out when they went to Uni and stayed out since, though most of them don’t live on their own either with a partner, friend or sibling. My parents have just been away for 11 days and it’s been great, once I have a place of my own and no animals to look after it’ll be even better. I just need to hold a job down for more than a few months at a time to afford it!

        To younger kids I’d say don’t be a dick, if you’re a dick you’re going nowhere.

  8. Emily He says:

    ahhhhh I just moved in with my mom last year! Then I’m moving to a dorm! I’m doing everything backwards!!!!

  9. I’d be more worried about Onion advice.

  10. Smaktakula says:

    Frumpiness is sexy. So is living at home as long as you can. One time, some friends of mine recommended I see the movie, “Grandma’s Boy.” I told my girlfriend at the time, and she helpfully suggested, “Are you sure they weren’t mocking you?”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Friends can be so mean. One time a friend recommended I see “The Elephant Man.” I don’t know if this was a fat joke or one about my poor skin. Possibly even about how I spit too much when I talk. Probably all three 😦

  11. While listening or trying to think of something witty, I twist my hair and touch my biting tooth a lot. It’s the longer one in front, so I’m sure I just bring more attention to it. And if don’t like someone, I can’t hide the look of confusion/disgust on my face. My face is an open book.

    • Aaaaaand this was supposed to be on the most recent post. It’s not the first time I’ve commented on the wrong one. DERRRR.

      • Mooselicker says:

        It’s fine. People will just think you’re crazy or do not know how to properly navigate the Internet. Columbus didn’t know the best way to get to India by boat and look how things turned out for him. He died penniless and alone. But he has a holiday named after him for which he will never celebrate.

  12. Val says:

    The alternative is to live in a flat (apartment) in your parents place and stay put. That’s what I did til wayyyyyy too late! It mostly worked, apart from those moments when a parent wandered in while I had headphones on and they thought I was having a seizure instead of getting into the music! 😉

    I like your rambly post, it’s a bit like one of my rambly posts!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Finally some positive feedback on how I can not sit still!

      There’s no real “right” way to do things. I think the sooner you get out on your own the better. You never hear someone really successful saying “And then I moved out of my parent’s place at 38 and things took off!”

  13. You are full of something, alright.
    Please tell me you didn’t walk around naked when you broke into my house.
    The pigtails part made me laugh.
    So did the shit stain, unless it was a birthmark, in which case you are just being mean.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do birthmarks run down your face and can be wiped off with a wet napkin? Didn’t think so.

      The only place I was naked in your home was the kitchen. I did not want to waste your air conditioner so I climbed into your fridge while in the nude. You’re welcome.

  14. Your mind scares me, especially when you blurt out that pigtails part. That and the first picture. Are you sure you’re not a closet pedophile???

    But seriously, I like your advice. That’s quite big since I’m normally someone who doesn’t take advices too well. Must be the colds.

    • Mooselicker says:

      No way I am a closeted pedophile. I own the version of Jerry MacGuire where that dumb blonde kid is blurred out and his voice is scrambled. I hate kids that much.

      I’m glad my advice means something to someone. I tell everyone who still lives at home to move out. Don’t make money an excuse. When you do you’re saying money can buy happiness. And we all know happiness is not a disease.

  15. Lily says:

    Whoa lots of comments! I hate you.
    I think this is amazing advice. I never actually moved out until I got married, BUT 9 months out of the year I was away at school. I like when parents allow you to live at home until you’re able to support yourself. Sometimes that’s the best way to save money–stay at home, don’t pay for rent or food. I like always having that option in the back of my head. But yeah, moving out makes you independent, street smart, and brave. That is some sage advice.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Most girls don’t move out until they get married nowadays. I think it’s pretty hard to become homeless. Really, I’m not a very nice person yet I know I will always have someone whose couch I can crash on. Schools need to teach kids about financial responsibility. Lucky for me I have cheap in my blood so I manage fine on my own.

    • Mooselicker says:

      And you’re jealous of my 30+ comments? You have twice as many blog hits as I do! I couldn’t even sell out a baseball stadium with my ~43,000

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