Before human beings grew mouths they had to communicate only through body language. When you saw a woman you liked you had to grab your groin. If you were upset with a child you would throw a large rock or saber tooth tiger tooth at them. I guess that one isn’t body language. It’s more a violent act against an innocent child living in caveman days. Either way, I am here today to discuss body language. How to communicate through not using words. Guidance counselors may say it’s important to use your words, but what do they know? Someone guided them into working around 8 year olds for 40 years of their life. Nothing they say can be taken in full seriousness.
(“No really, I love my job guiding snotty teen girls like you through life. Prostitution is a very lucrative career Megan. I wish I had done it.”
I have been told I have great body language. Not by too many people. More people tell me I’m weird or should get out of their way and take a shower. One time a gay man told me I had great body language. Such great body language he wanted to take me back to his place and smoke pot with me. I was lonely. I gave him my phone number. He never called. That son of a bitch! I had no intentions on ever hanging out with him. I say “no” to drugs and “no way” to hanging out with strange gay men in their apartments alone. He was Spanish and wore a purple hoodie. Later that day a girl was flirting with me. I told her about my earlier adventure with the gay guy. She was weirded out so that went nowhere. I got out of her way and took my shower.
What makes my body language so good? I pace a lot. Really. My new hobby is standing. I’m typing this while I stand. Who the fuck writes standing up? Do you know what’s even stranger? I can’t write fiction while standing. I can only write opinions and autobiographical pieces. I’m not sure if I’ve always been a pacer. Whenever I have had to stand I would do the pacing. I get back pains if I stand around too long not moving. I could never be one of those British guards. All that standing still without moving a muscle? Plus I look terrible in red and black Marge Simpson hair.
The two biggest things you can do to have better body language is use facial expressions and talk with your hands. I love animated faces. There’s something sexy about giant bug eyes. Everyone likes them. I think this is why Zooey Deschanel is so popular. She looks like a Boardwalk Caricature. She is a Looney Tunes character who held a bomb a little too long. Talking with hands can help emphasize a statement. If you say “I’m going to kill you” with hands in your pockets it is much less threatening than if you point wildly at the bucket of acid in your hand. Rarely will I talk with my hands. Unless a woman is far across the room and I’m trying to signal to her how large a part of my body happens to be. It’s not gross. It’s flirting in an uncomfortable manner.
(If you told me the one on the right was Zooey Deschanel with a tan, I might believe it)
What a person does with their eyes is very telling. I know from an episode of Prison Break if they look up and two the left it means a person is lying. I’ve caught people doing this before. And I’m not afraid to call them out on it. Almost always has it been a lie. One time it was because they had a lazy eye that seemed to drift. The other time it was because I was too ugly to stare at. At least that’s what my prom date told me on my birthday.
(I’m kidding! My birthday is in October. Nowhere near prom season. And I didn’t even have a prom date. There you were thinking bad things happens to me)
Cartoon aardvark Arthur touches his glasses when he’s lying or nervous. When I’m lying I’m usually giving a woman a back rub because she thinks I’m gay and not enjoying it. When I’m nervous or uncomfortable I scratch my face. I’ve been noticing I do this less now. I’ll scratch my neck too. Some days my anxiety is so bad I end up with a lot of dead skin on my shirt from all the scratching. Dead skin on your shirt never flatters anyone. They never ask for a piece. No matter how delicious those pieces of skin look, they never want a taste.
What body language things do you do? What are some things you have noticed other people do consistently? Please don’t say anything about Italians talking with their hands. That will be covered in my next post.