Ethnic Excuses

Posted: July 14, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Nobody’s perfect. I’m not a nobody. I’m a somebody. Therefore I could possibly be perfect. I’m not though. One time I had self-doubt. Other than that fleeting moment of thinking Tiger Woods might be a better golfer and cocksmith than I am, I have yet to make a mistake. More importantly, I do not make excuses for my mistakes. There are lots of different types of excuses. The one I want to cover today are the ones people use based on their ethnicity. If you’ve never met someone who does this then you’re probably a racist who only talks to people of the same race as you are. Don’t worry; you are in good company with the rest of my readers.

(My grandpa loves reading my blog!)

I had a teacher in 8th grade who insisted she was part every single ethnicity you can imagine. We found out she was not any bit black. Her brother had married a woman who had a cousin who adopted a black kid. I guess if you’re far away enough a relative from the person it makes you closer. She also insisted she was part Spanish. Spanish people. The excuse they use is their temper. I’ve heard a lot say this. Not just my teacher who told us she was a really good softball player when she was fat and would need someone to run to first base for her due to her largeness. Do Spanish people really have tempers? Yeah they get into a lot of Civil Wars and talk quickly. That doesn’t make someone angry. Instead of saying you have a Spanish temper someone should say they’re a bitch who happens to be Spanish at the same time. It’s more scientifically accurate.

Italian people use the excuse they are made to talk with their hands very often. I heard a woman say this recently. “I’m Italian so I talk with my hands.” I wanted to break her hands so badly and make her deaf. I’m not sure why talking with your hands even needs an excuse yet people always come up with one. Talking with your hands is only detrimental if your job is giving public speaking engagements while holding a nuclear weapon that will explode and kill millions if dropped. Or maybe if you’re a professional mountain climber with Tourette’s syndrome. I’m not sure. I don’t work for a job agency. I don’t know what’s out there.

(For some reason I want to join the army and blow up the Middle East after seeing this picture)

People from the country Asia rarely make excuses. They’re noble people. They would rather fall on a sword than give birth to a daughter. Somehow that’s noble. I do believe Asian people should start making excuses for being so smart. They should go around correcting every error they find then remind us they’re Asian and all can be forgiven. This might sound insane, but let me explain further. Think about a filthy Norwegian coming up to you and telling you how ugly you are. Pretty offensive! Now think about a sweet Chinese boy doing the same. Such pure skin on his face. Such straight hair atop his head. All will be forgiven. He’s probably a math whiz. He’s done enough calculations and mathematically you are indeed hideous.

(All geniuses have bad handwriting. Little Ping-Zho Hernandez is no exception)

I’m not too familiar with the excuses black people make. They usually blame whoever is president or mayor or governor. Whichever looks most like Ted Knight. I’m not even quite sure black people ever do make excuses. They more or less say “Mmmhmm girl that’s the way it is and it’s going to stay that way, do you know what I am saying?” I need to stop hanging out in Harlem Beauty Shops. Now that one of them, Gooble Gobble One of Them, is president they can no longer say they’re held back by the fat cats in Wershington. I know it’s really called Washington. Wershington just looks the way people who pronounce things incorrectly say it. Like calling a toilet a “terlit.”

My main nationality is Irish. Would you believe I’ve heard my fellow Celts say it’s okay they’re alcoholics because they are Irish? You’ve done that too? Fuck off. I suppose if you’re Irish then you also eat potatoes and are amazing at sex. That last one is a new stereotype I’m trying to lie about. I don’t see why the fact you’re Irish makes you able to handle your alcohol. People in every country drink. It’s not like it’s an exclusive product to Ireland. Assuming all Irish people are alcoholics is very offensive. I much prefer the true one about us all being manipulative snakes.

Similarly as bad are when we make excuses for others, ethnicities included. Saying something like a person of a certain ethnicity wouldn’t know better in defense of their beliefs is insulting. For instance if you say it’s okay for your European friend to leave a 3.35% tip because tipping isn’t in their DNA is wrong. Europeans hate tipping or paying for anything in general. I remember seeing a woman from some Soviet country having a fit because the prices on the menu were the same as the ones on her bill. I guess in her home country the price on the menu is a recommendation, not a requirement. She tried bartering with the manager. Offered him some goat skin and a Gypsy Dance. That shit doesn’t fly here in America. The only bartering you can do with us is in fireworks.

(“Nothing makes a person forget about the dictatorship they live underneath like seeing giant flares of light in the sky.” – a made up quote by Thomas Jefferson. For some reason this picture saved as “family.” I’m sorry but that is impossible)

 I don’t like it whenever anyone defines themselves by their ethnicity. Doing so makes your ethnicity who you are. Are you a German? An Egyptian? A Chilean? Let that be a part of you, not the definition of you. Be whatever the heck your name is. Whether it be Ted, Ramona, Tyrique, Adolf, Jennifer, Raul, Marcus, Han Solo, or Deborah; let that be who you are. If you have a bad temper it’s because that’s who you are. Not because your ancestors are from a certain place. That’s not to say physical flaws and attributes aren’t to blame for your ethnicity DNA. Those are sometimes impossible to avoid. I’m Irish so I’m going to have to accept my life will be spent living with this tan skin, patient temper, and gigantic genitals. I mean really. I’m sick of kids running up to it singing the Oscar Mayer Weiner song thinking it’s the Weiner Mobile going by. Get it? Because it’s the size of a car–

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    If you in fact lived in Ireland you’d know that saying “The Irish can handle their drink” is in fact a term of endearment and not an insult, only American’s get sensitive about such subjects. It is a fact that every Irishman love potato’s while being alcoholics, ask any proper Irishman that actually lives in Ireland and didn’t go abroad to build roads or become gypsies. Its like how all Americans think English people drink nothing but tea and eat muffins while watching Pride and Prejudice on repeat, until they visit and actually discover we’re a bunch of drunken louts ourselves.

    Some stereotypes are true though, like how all Welsh people fuck sheep (something they have in common with the people of New Zealand) and that all Scottish people are kilt wearing ginger bastards.


    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh I know you guys don’t watch Pride and Prejudice over and over again. Reruns of Black Adder give you a nice intermission every so often.

      The entire world are made up of drunks. I think the problem in America is we are a “melting pot” where people try too hard to identify themselves with where their ancestors came from. I could not careless what someone’s ethnicity is. Except for girls I plan on seeing naked. I would like to know if I should or should not expect a hairy back.

      Aren’t the Scottish also really cheap?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        When in doubt, just remember, England owned everyone at one point, so you’re probably English deep down. Blackadder is amazing, that is a show I could watch on repeat, so historically accurate.

        I don’t blame you, the last thing you want is a hairy German in your face that’s for sure. Scottish are cheap, tight bastards we call em.

  2. Kana Tyler says:

    The Irish ARE amazing at sex. (In the entirely disinterested opinion of this redhead with Irish roots…) 😉

  3. Love this. Yesterday someone asked me if I was Jewish bc i was ” jewy looking”. Yikes. Time for a nose job.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha! What an awful way to ask someone something. What if you were Jewish? I’m sure your nose is fine. If strangers start asking you to hand over your Jew Gold you might need to worry.

  4. Hobbles says:

    You are crazy Moose. That’s the only “ethnicity” that really matters. You can get out of jail and go to a cushy mental institution because of it. That’s my plan at least.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Does this mean you’re planning on committing a crime? You know this makes it premeditated. I hope the cops search my blog for advance. I could see the hits.

  5. Addie says:

    Talking with your hands is only detrimental if your job is giving public speaking engagements while holding a nuclear weapon that will explode and kill millions if dropped. Or maybe if you’re a professional mountain climber with Tourette’s syndrome. I’m giving you an A+ on that one.

  6. Smaktakula says:

    Ted Knight is not only the man, he’s also “The Man.” I’d definitely say the ethnic stereotypes are true. As an American of German descent (my dad was fresh off the boat) I’m a friendly guy when you encounter me on my own, but when I get together with a group of friends, bad things usually happen.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think that’s the same with all races. Everybody is fine on their own and then you start putting them all together and you’ve got a mafia going.

      Germans seem to hide themselves. I rarely encounter a true one. They all seemed to flee to Argentina.

  7. Wait… if you broke her hands, wouldn’t that make her dumb, not deaf?
    I knew as soon as I saw the title you were going to get yourself in trouble.
    I wasn’t dissapointed.

  8. a professional mountain climber with Tourette’s syndrome = MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    The only excuse I have for being Asian is that I’m sorry for being so undeniably awesome. Sorry :/

  9. Lily says:

    Paul gets pissed because I say I’m everything. Only because my mom did my family’s genealogy so I know every root and leaf of my family tree. I love having excuses for behavior. The Norwegian one is probably the best. Sorry I’m so pretty, it’s my Norse background. And the Jewish one is good too because then you can complain about everything and everyone is okay with it because you’re Jewish.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Your ancestors really know how to travel around and not keep the bloodlines pure. I can totally see the Jew in your family. I say that as a semi-compliment. You’re all funny yet feel guilty immediately once you hurt someone.

      I had to leave a nice comment after asking you how you live with yourself.

  10. renxkyoko says:

    I’m Asian… and a Filipino. That’s double jeopardy. Even is Asia, Filipinos are the odd man out. After 400 years of Spanish rule and 47 years of American’s, we’ve become weird.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Ahaha ! Mooselicker, Japan, Korea and taiwan are island nations too. But you’re right. We are scattered. Too many college graduates, not enough jobs…. all due to nasty politics.

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