Ethnic Excuses

Nobody’s perfect. I’m not a nobody. I’m a somebody. Therefore I could possibly be perfect. I’m not though. One time I had self-doubt. Other than that fleeting moment of thinking Tiger Woods might be a better golfer and cocksmith than I am, I have yet to make a mistake. More importantly, I do not make excuses for my mistakes. There are lots of different types of excuses. The one I want to cover today are the ones people use based on their ethnicity. If you’ve never met someone who does this then you’re probably a racist who only talks to people of the same race as you are. Don’t worry; you are in good company with the rest of my readers.

(My grandpa loves reading my blog!)

I had a teacher in 8^th grade who insisted she was part every single ethnicity you can imagine. We found out she was not any bit black. Her brother had married a woman who had a cousin who adopted a black kid. I guess if you’re far away enough a relative from the person it makes you closer. She also insisted she was part Spanish. Spanish people. The excuse they use is their temper. I’ve heard a lot say this. Not just my teacher who told us she was a really good softball player when she was fat and would need someone to run to first base for her due to her largeness. Do Spanish people really have tempers? Yeah they get into a lot of Civil Wars and talk quickly. That doesn’t make someone angry. Instead of saying you have a Spanish temper someone should say they’re a bitch who happens to be Spanish at the same time. It’s more scientifically accurate.

Italian people use the excuse they are made to talk with their hands very often. I heard a woman say this recently. “I’m Italian so I talk with my hands.” I wanted to break her hands so badly and make her deaf. I’m not sure why talking with your hands even needs an excuse yet people always come up with one. Talking with your hands is only detrimental if your job is giving public speaking engagements while holding a nuclear weapon that will explode and kill millions if dropped. Or maybe if you’re a professional mountain climber with Tourette’s syndrome. I’m not sure. I don’t work for a job agency. I don’t know what’s out there.

(For some reason I want to join the army and blow up the Middle East after seeing this picture)

People from the country Asia rarely make excuses. They’re noble people. They would rather fall on a sword than give birth to a daughter. Somehow that’s noble. I do believe Asian people should start making excuses for being so smart. They should go around correcting every error they find then remind us they’re Asian and all can be forgiven. This might sound insane, but let me explain further. Think about a filthy Norwegian coming up to you and telling you how ugly you are. Pretty offensive! Now think about a sweet Chinese boy doing the same. Such pure skin on his face. Such straight hair atop his head. All will be forgiven. He’s probably a math whiz. He’s done enough calculations and mathematically you are indeed hideous.

(All geniuses have bad handwriting. Little Ping-Zho Hernandez is no exception)

I’m not too familiar with the excuses black people make. They usually blame whoever is president or mayor or governor. Whichever looks most like Ted Knight. I’m not even quite sure black people ever do make excuses. They more or less say “Mmmhmm girl that’s the way it is and it’s going to stay that way, do you know what I am saying?” I need to stop hanging out in Harlem Beauty Shops. Now that one of them, Gooble Gobble One of Them, is president they can no longer say they’re held back by the fat cats in Wershington. I know it’s really called Washington. Wershington just looks the way people who pronounce things incorrectly say it. Like calling a toilet a “terlit.”

My main nationality is Irish. Would you believe I’ve heard my fellow Celts say it’s okay they’re alcoholics because they are Irish? You’ve done that too? Fuck off. I suppose if you’re Irish then you also eat potatoes and are amazing at sex. That last one is a new stereotype I’m trying to lie about. I don’t see why the fact you’re Irish makes you able to handle your alcohol. People in every country drink. It’s not like it’s an exclusive product to Ireland. Assuming all Irish people are alcoholics is very offensive. I much prefer the true one about us all being manipulative snakes.

Similarly as bad are when we make excuses for others, ethnicities included. Saying something like a person of a certain ethnicity wouldn’t know better in defense of their beliefs is insulting. For instance if you say it’s okay for your European friend to leave a 3.35% tip because tipping isn’t in their DNA is wrong. Europeans hate tipping or paying for anything in general. I remember seeing a woman from some Soviet country having a fit because the prices on the menu were the same as the ones on her bill. I guess in her home country the price on the menu is a recommendation, not a requirement. She tried bartering with the manager. Offered him some goat skin and a Gypsy Dance. That shit doesn’t fly here in America. The only bartering you can do with us is in fireworks.

(“Nothing makes a person forget about the dictatorship they live underneath like seeing giant flares of light in the sky.” – a made up quote by Thomas Jefferson. For some reason this picture saved as “family.” I’m sorry but that is impossible)

 I don’t like it whenever anyone defines themselves by their ethnicity. Doing so makes your ethnicity who you are. Are you a German? An Egyptian? A Chilean? Let that be a part of you, not the definition of you. Be whatever the heck your name is. Whether it be Ted, Ramona, Tyrique, Adolf, Jennifer, Raul, Marcus, Han Solo, or Deborah; let that be who you are. If you have a bad temper it’s because that’s who you are. Not because your ancestors are from a certain place. That’s not to say physical flaws and attributes aren’t to blame for your ethnicity DNA. Those are sometimes impossible to avoid. I’m Irish so I’m going to have to accept my life will be spent living with this tan skin, patient temper, and gigantic genitals. I mean really. I’m sick of kids running up to it singing the Oscar Mayer Weiner song thinking it’s the Weiner Mobile going by. Get it? Because it’s the size of a car–