In Japan they have these things called glass ceilings. Above these glass ceilings are young girls walking around in skirts, with or without panties, doing things girls do like talk about David Beckham’s hair or pick wedgies when no one is looking. I’m not even quite sure if that’s true or not. I heard it from someone who wanted to go to Japan. I’ll take his word for it. His mom is dead and his dad is in prison. People living in those situations know a lot about the world. I’m not here to talk about the Japanese and how perverted they are. I am instead here to talk about a more important issue. The glass ceiling. It’s helped keep women down in the world. Away from reaching their potential. Away from being as fucking awesome as us men.
I do find it ridiculous that women still make less money than men do. Actually no. I don’t think that’s even true. I find it ridiculous that I still believe this to be true. Is it true? No way in hell. Maybe in Louisiana. Women can’t even own property there. Or maybe that’s another one of those lies people tell me. It makes sense though. Have you ever watched True Blood? They respect the living dead more than they do the waitresses at Merlot’s. The only situation I believe a woman should be paid less than a man for doing the same job would be–actually no. There is no job. In fact I think women should be paid more for certain jobs. Sword swallower? Pay those women 6 figures. Nude Liberty Tax sign twirler? Get her in Forbes. Sex delivery woman? Even if she’s wielding an axe, I’m letting her in and tipping her 200%.
(Okay, this one is getting turned away. Not because the axe. I just have never gone for the whole unsexy librarian look)
My inspiration for this post comes from listening to the radio. A woman was on the sports talk station I listen to. Yeah I know, so cute. A woman pretending to understand sports. She probably thinks the Red Sox and the White Sox are the same team. It just depends which footwear they happen to have on at the time. You girls and your fashion. So adorable! This woman never gets a chance to have her own shows on the radio station. She’s terrible too. They never let her answer phone calls. She’ll ramble about her nonsense slit opinion. I remember during the Super Bowl two years ago I was driving and guess who was on? This woman. During the one time when nobody is listening to Philadelphia Sports Radio, they put the dame in to try to entertain us all. I almost feel bad in a way. She seems to really care about her job. She tries so hard. If only she knew how to properly pronounce players names and rated them on statistics, not how cute their butts are.
(“The Red Sox are my favorite hockey team. I love Manny Ramirez’s dreadlocks. Touch down!” – females talking sports)
I’ve always worked under women. No, not like that. Although I have done that too. I don’t want you to think I’m some unadventurous cold fish here. I needed to clarify. Some men have a problem with women as their bosses. I never really mind. I get along well enough with the female brand. I’m not one of those guys who feels like less a man because his boss is female. Men who are bothered with females in charge of them usually have some underlying issue with their mothers. They probably come from a long line of failed relationships. At least if a woman is your boss you can always flirt your way out of a problem. Forgot to wear pants to the office? Call attention to your crotch. Women love that stuff! You make a woman turn you into a sexual object and you can get away with whatever you want. Remember though, women want more than sex. They want to be held and told how special they are. I don’t recommend saying this to a female boss. Somehow I see this as a stronger form of sexual harassment than simply putting a bright red dot on your balls and making it a target for her eyes.
Thing is, the glass ceiling holds back men a lot now too. Events like Enron, Watergate, and Tyler Perry movies have turned white men into evil villains. At least Disney mixes up their bad guys. God damn it Tyler Perry, not every white person is out to get you. And does Madea always have to be in your movies? Big Momma’s House was fantastic! But it was fantastic as a one-off film. Not a movie a year thing. If I ever run a company and hear an employee speaking positively of a Tyler Perry movie they’re getting the Final Destination 2 glass ceiling treatment.
(It scared me how this character’s name was Tim. I always figured this was how I would die too. My death logic is so savantly simple)
Deep down inside I don’t think the glass ceiling is very relevant in today’s world. Anyone can achieve anything they want so long as they believe and put in the effort. Or put in the effort. Even if you don’t believe it but work hard enough you can. Santa has never answered my prayers. I do it on my own. Women are successful and famous for some of the most ridiculous things these days. Paris Hilton is famous and nobody really even finds her all that attractive. If her name was Francine Orton and her dad was an Eskimo totem pole painter we would have no clue who she was. And Kim Kardashian, the only reason she’s famous is because O.J. Simpson hates blonde women. I say we take O.J. to court for all the travesties the Kardashians have brought out into the world.
(If Reggie Bush’s dick does not fit, you must acquit)
Where have you seen the glass ceiling still exist? Race is a much bigger factory in today’s business world than sex is. Or maybe I don’t hang around enough Wall Street coke addicts. But why would a woman even want to work there? I don’t even want to work on Wall Street and I’m a man’s man. A real guy’s guy. I have a hairy chest and second-hand smoke. I pop my collars because I don’t know how to keep them down. Red meat makes me gassy, but I eat it anyway. What I’m really trying to say is the glass ceiling no longer exists. If you see it, say something to someone and people will roll over. There’s the ACLU to complain to. They would defend a Nazi rapist if they could.
“The worst thing men ever did was give women the right to vote.” – my 9th grade history teacher who was fired right before Christmas. He also told us the anthrax mailer was caught, but the FBI didn’t want Americans to know so they would live in fear. I think his name was Mr. Oliver Stone