Two years in a row I have failed to capture victory in a contest I have entered. Some would tell me that I need to keep trying. That not everyone succeeds right away. I tell these people to fuck off. You don’t know what it’s like to live a failure. We can’t be as perfect as you are. Some of us are destined to never reach our dreams. We’re meant to pick up trash or work in a cubicle. I don’t care how much money you make or what floor your office is on. You work in a fucking box! You’re a crayon with bowel movements.

(If these could shit they would replace you in a second)

What bugs me most about this contest is that I don’t know what I did wrong. Did I fall just short? Did they pick it up, read 2 pages, and then turn it into a baby’s diaper? Actually wait. I submitted this in PDF format. I wouldn’t put it past them though to print out a copy then use it as a baby shit scooper. Boy I’m in a pissy vulgar mood about this fucking shit! Without further ado I present to you the titles of the finalists. To show you and the contest people who think I was not good enough just how creative I am, I have included my own summaries based on the titles of these finalists alone. They’re sure to change their minds after reading this, right?

(Even this baby seems disgusted to be anywhere near my script)

“Aggravated At Large” – Wanda Sykes gets a new television show. This time instead of playing a character named Wanda, she plays a character named Aggravated Jones. And boy is she always ticked off about everything! Overweight too.

“Ballers” – A black high school basketball team in the 1970s and their misadventures dominating the white prep schools. In the pilot episode they somehow end Jim Crowe laws by making a three pointer.

“Boomerang Kids” – Two kids. One Frisbee. One kid dies. Surviving kid gets a boomerang and pretends it is his dead friend’s ghost tossing it back. Surviving kid is admitted to hospital.

“Bored of Ed” – An uneasily amused high school principal hates his job. He complains and whines about it every episode. He never thinks to maybe do something else with his life. His name is also Ed.

“Brew City” – A city made entirely out of beer and beer products. There’s some underlying allegory about how much Americans love alcohol. Nobody cares because fans of the show pass out before Act III each episode.

“Bridges In Beta” – It’s like that Terabithia movie except there are more Greek people.

“Couple of Dudes” – It’s like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure except there is a third slacker friend so you can tell the difference.

“Death and Mangos” – A mango salesman convinces a small Romanian town that his mangos will give them everlasting life. The joke is on them because the mangos are really deer testicles.

“The Entrepreneur Squad!” – I refuse to acknowledge the existence of anything with the word “squad” in it or ending in an exclamation point. When a title needs to be loud you know it’s lacking in other departments. Just saying.

“The Experts” – Lisa Simpson, Alex from Modern Family, and Charles Darwin team up to form a Justice League type group where they answer trivia questions for fun. They so smart!

“Good People Doing Constructive Things” – A look inside the inner workings of Habitat for Humanity. The humor is comparable to the rape episode of Full House.

“Growing Up Morales” – About the childhood of Colombian Dictator Chipper Morales. Born into poverty, he rose up to completely wipe out nations. His wife is played by Sofia Vergara so there are some laughs at her funny noises and large breasts.

“Here To Stay” – Kyle Fluffer is born with a dead fetus attached to the side of his head. When he goes into the hospital to get it removed on his 18th birthday he finds out removal of the fetus could kill him. Looks like his dead baby brother is here to say!

“Inheritance” – Little Suzy Felcher has sworn off alcohol her entire life because her dad was an abusive alcoholic. After her first sip she becomes addicted. Her life goes to shit. She has inherited the alcoholic gene.

“The Late Bloomer” – A flat-chested woman wakes up one morning with gigantic tits. Suddenly her life changes. Men notice her. She gets a promotion at Walmart. But sometimes she has trouble reaching things and it hurts when she runs.

“Life After Beth” – Richard Greaseball’s first girlfriend Beth is killed in a fire right before prom. Richard had planned on breaking up with her anyway because she was pretty ugly. Looks like Richard can finally be who he wants to be.

“Little League” – I’m not going to make fun of this one as I applaud anyone who can come up with a show about little league baseball that could last more than 3 episodes. But let’s be honest, other than me and the guy who wrote this, nobody would be interested in the least.

“Me and Four A##holes” – It’s cool now to have titles of TV shows with asterisks and abbreviations for swear words in the title. I will not give a scenario for this one either. I think it’s titled this way to get more Twitter hits with the hashtag.

“Mr. Mayor” – Spin City.

“No Class” – A high school bully finds out he has been expelled from school. No longer will he have to go to class. He can drink at home and shoot heroin. There’s an imaginary alien too who says funny things.

“Poker Night” – A group of four homosexual friends get together once a week and listen to Lady Gaga. Watch as they struggle through common gay people problems like losing their pink shirts or having their cable company cancel Bravo.

“Sausage” – Being nude in public is frowned upon in the small town of Tokyo, Japan. But that’s not stopping one flasher. He will stop at nothing until he shows every man, woman, and child his sausage.

“Staff Ass” – Business owner Walt O’Faggot is sued by a liberal agenda for hiring only staff members with oddly shaped asses. His company is called “The Oddly Shaped Ass Company” so the trial goes pretty quickly.

“Teachers’ Lounge” – Boston Public taking place in a different city. Probably whichever one the writer is from or currently living in. Michael Rapaport gets shot, eaten by a shark, and becomes a vegetable in the first episode.

“Those Who Teach” – Really? Another one about schools? Last year I submitted one taking place in a school. What the fuck? Seriously? And this is the year they decide they want shows about school? I fucking hate my life sometimes.

Comments
  1. breezyk says:

    totally with you on the not watching anything with “Squad!” in the title. In fact, anything with any exclamation point in the title is on my sh*t list.

  2. Without even knowing anything about the winning entries, the titles alone suggest that they’re the worst kind of dreck imaginable.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Last year’s winner was Adulthood For Beginners. It’s supposedly a new version of Friends. If it’s okay to make 20 year old movies it’s okay to make 15 year old shows.

      Next year I’m writing something like The New Girl. They seem to enjoy crap on their network.

  3. A gripping life says:

    They act like they want something new and original but they really just want a formula — a sure thing. The people who judge these shows are pretty clueless and cowardly.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The contest has been ongoing for 5-7 years. No one has ever gotten their show even somewhat produced. It’s a good stepping stone though. I think they hire ex-Olympic figure skating judges. The Russian Mafia has to be involved somehow.

  4. Writer Jobs says:

    Great post thanks. I really enjoyed it very much.

    Love writing? We would love for you to join us!

    Writer Jobs Available

  5. Luddy's Lens says:

    Jeez, TV doesn’t even try anymore; those titles alone tell us exactly what yawns would be store. Although, if “Here to Stay” is actually anywhere near your synopsis, I would have to give it a try..

    Do you often use the “slit my own throat” tag?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Only when I feel the need to slit my own throat.

      I’m sure every real synopsis is whimsical and involves attractive people in their mid-20s trying to make it in a big city. At least my sitcom killed someone off. Same thing should have happened to the tall guy on Everybody Loves Raymond.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    Sausage is my favourite. If you didn’t win the competition then fuck the competition. Fuck them right up.

  7. Addie says:

    Now I know why commercials are so bad–they are preparing to support these bad shows (although the Wanda Sykes one may be semi amusing. What? You want me to lie?)

    • Mooselicker says:

      But it’s been done! It’s like how Andy Richter gets a TV show every 3 years. Now he’s back to sitting on a couch where he belongs. Nothing against the guy, he’s just not leading man material.

  8. Awwww… don’t be sad. Embrace your looserness, like I do. We are all just loosers in a different way.

  9. Come on!You’re telling us you might have lost to something with a title as boring as Good People Doing Constructive Things? I’d really go on ranting if I’m anywhere near successful in suppressing a laugh from mental images conveyed by “Sausage” and your synopsis.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I must be living a lie, one where I believe I have any talent. I should just quit now while I’m beaten down enough. Or get busy writing my own version of Sausage.

  10. Bloody Hell there are some right rib ticklers in there.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Oh, not only movies and TV shows with exclamation points ! I don’t read mangas with exclamation points…. they’re sure gonna be shounen/seinen stories…. just pieces of crap, with lots of boobsies and underwears and harem themes. So, yeah, I’m with you on the exclamation points!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Airplane! is the only thing I like with an exclamation point. It was 1980 though. People needed some more spunk in their lives. I excuse it.

      • renxkyoko says:

        Is that the one with OJ Simpson in it?

        ………

        I’m thinking……

        I don’t think there’s another one other than Airplane.

      • Mooselicker says:

        No he was in Naked Gun. Same writers and directors though so you’re not as insane as it appears. David Zucker is probably one of my biggest influences. Except when it comes to religion. Judaism isn’t for me.

  12. renxkyoko says:

    I remember a tall. black dude in Airplane…. a basketball player?

  13. […] in February I entered a writing contest. No, not this contest. I lost that one a while ago. This was another contest where I would basically get a job for a year […]

  14. […] more important than blogging? Right now it’s writing out a character list for another shitty TV Pilot I’m putting together. Bleh I make myself sick with my “struggling artist” […]

  15. […] That contest closes submissions on Monday. There’s another contest that opens on Monday. This contest I entered the last two years with no luck. Then there’s an internship I applied for which I […]

  16. […] prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s