Two years in a row I have failed to capture victory in a contest I have entered. Some would tell me that I need to keep trying. That not everyone succeeds right away. I tell these people to fuck off. You don’t know what it’s like to live a failure. We can’t be as perfect as you are. Some of us are destined to never reach our dreams. We’re meant to pick up trash or work in a cubicle. I don’t care how much money you make or what floor your office is on. You work in a fucking box! You’re a crayon with bowel movements.
(If these could shit they would replace you in a second)
What bugs me most about this contest is that I don’t know what I did wrong. Did I fall just short? Did they pick it up, read 2 pages, and then turn it into a baby’s diaper? Actually wait. I submitted this in PDF format. I wouldn’t put it past them though to print out a copy then use it as a baby shit scooper. Boy I’m in a pissy vulgar mood about this fucking shit! Without further ado I present to you the titles of the finalists. To show you and the contest people who think I was not good enough just how creative I am, I have included my own summaries based on the titles of these finalists alone. They’re sure to change their minds after reading this, right?
(Even this baby seems disgusted to be anywhere near my script)
“Aggravated At Large” – Wanda Sykes gets a new television show. This time instead of playing a character named Wanda, she plays a character named Aggravated Jones. And boy is she always ticked off about everything! Overweight too.
“Ballers” – A black high school basketball team in the 1970s and their misadventures dominating the white prep schools. In the pilot episode they somehow end Jim Crowe laws by making a three pointer.
“Boomerang Kids” – Two kids. One Frisbee. One kid dies. Surviving kid gets a boomerang and pretends it is his dead friend’s ghost tossing it back. Surviving kid is admitted to hospital.
“Bored of Ed” – An uneasily amused high school principal hates his job. He complains and whines about it every episode. He never thinks to maybe do something else with his life. His name is also Ed.
“Brew City” – A city made entirely out of beer and beer products. There’s some underlying allegory about how much Americans love alcohol. Nobody cares because fans of the show pass out before Act III each episode.
“Bridges In Beta” – It’s like that Terabithia movie except there are more Greek people.
“Couple of Dudes” – It’s like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure except there is a third slacker friend so you can tell the difference.
“Death and Mangos” – A mango salesman convinces a small Romanian town that his mangos will give them everlasting life. The joke is on them because the mangos are really deer testicles.
“The Entrepreneur Squad!” – I refuse to acknowledge the existence of anything with the word “squad” in it or ending in an exclamation point. When a title needs to be loud you know it’s lacking in other departments. Just saying.
“The Experts” – Lisa Simpson, Alex from Modern Family, and Charles Darwin team up to form a Justice League type group where they answer trivia questions for fun. They so smart!
“Good People Doing Constructive Things” – A look inside the inner workings of Habitat for Humanity. The humor is comparable to the rape episode of Full House.
“Growing Up Morales” – About the childhood of Colombian Dictator Chipper Morales. Born into poverty, he rose up to completely wipe out nations. His wife is played by Sofia Vergara so there are some laughs at her funny noises and large breasts.
“Here To Stay” – Kyle Fluffer is born with a dead fetus attached to the side of his head. When he goes into the hospital to get it removed on his 18th birthday he finds out removal of the fetus could kill him. Looks like his dead baby brother is here to say!
“Inheritance” – Little Suzy Felcher has sworn off alcohol her entire life because her dad was an abusive alcoholic. After her first sip she becomes addicted. Her life goes to shit. She has inherited the alcoholic gene.
“The Late Bloomer” – A flat-chested woman wakes up one morning with gigantic tits. Suddenly her life changes. Men notice her. She gets a promotion at Walmart. But sometimes she has trouble reaching things and it hurts when she runs.
“Life After Beth” – Richard Greaseball’s first girlfriend Beth is killed in a fire right before prom. Richard had planned on breaking up with her anyway because she was pretty ugly. Looks like Richard can finally be who he wants to be.
“Little League” – I’m not going to make fun of this one as I applaud anyone who can come up with a show about little league baseball that could last more than 3 episodes. But let’s be honest, other than me and the guy who wrote this, nobody would be interested in the least.
“Me and Four A##holes” – It’s cool now to have titles of TV shows with asterisks and abbreviations for swear words in the title. I will not give a scenario for this one either. I think it’s titled this way to get more Twitter hits with the hashtag.
“Mr. Mayor” – Spin City.
“No Class” – A high school bully finds out he has been expelled from school. No longer will he have to go to class. He can drink at home and shoot heroin. There’s an imaginary alien too who says funny things.
“Poker Night” – A group of four homosexual friends get together once a week and listen to Lady Gaga. Watch as they struggle through common gay people problems like losing their pink shirts or having their cable company cancel Bravo.
“Sausage” – Being nude in public is frowned upon in the small town of Tokyo, Japan. But that’s not stopping one flasher. He will stop at nothing until he shows every man, woman, and child his sausage.
“Staff Ass” – Business owner Walt O’Faggot is sued by a liberal agenda for hiring only staff members with oddly shaped asses. His company is called “The Oddly Shaped Ass Company” so the trial goes pretty quickly.
“Teachers’ Lounge” – Boston Public taking place in a different city. Probably whichever one the writer is from or currently living in. Michael Rapaport gets shot, eaten by a shark, and becomes a vegetable in the first episode.
“Those Who Teach” – Really? Another one about schools? Last year I submitted one taking place in a school. What the fuck? Seriously? And this is the year they decide they want shows about school? I fucking hate my life sometimes.