Posted: July 19, 2012 in Uncategorized
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I don’t get much a chance to watch live television very often. When I do it’s in two places, bars or car repair shops. Bars always have sporting matches on TV. What does this say for sports? You have to be drunk to enjoy them? It’s like people who always get high for concerts. If you have to smoke weed to enjoy a concert experience then I believe you need to find better music. Yes, I’m talking about you Dave Matthews Band fans. His Adam Sandler singing voice leaves much to be desired. When I’m getting my car repaired it’s usually during the middle of the day. What’s on the television? Daytime television. I’m pretty sure in Hell it’s always 10-2 and The Price Is Right channel goes dark at 11. Nothing is worse than daytime television. And don’t go telling me infomercials at 3 in the morning are worse. At least at 3 in the morning you can convince yourself you should be in bed or opening up a vein.

I went into a car repair shop recently. I had some extra cash and felt like being lied to. I had prepared myself ahead of time with a book about paranormal hoaxes and my laptop. My laptop is very big and obnoxious. I had thought I would journey out to the Starbucks down the street to use it. Possibly go online and try to find the Facebook accounts of the Baristas working there then freak them out as they see exactly what it is I am looking at. It was a hot day so I decided to stay inside and work on the book reading. What I subjected myself to was far worse. The television in the corner.

First up on the TV was whatever comes on before The View. I blocked it out because The View pretty much garnered most of my anger. On this episode they had a special guest who was an open homosexual. They asked him questions about whether or not it was hard for him to come out. Joy Behar said the word “faggot” which was beeped out. Why did she think she could get away with saying that word? Does she not know how much those faggots offend fans of The View? She only said the word because they had mentioned “the other F word” and wanted to clarify to her idiot audience she didn’t mean the word “fuck.” She was quite insulting in doing so. Then Elisabeth Hasselbeck said something cute and Conservative then we laughed at her for marrying the crappy quarterback from the Hasselbeck family.

(She married the athletic Rob Corddry. This might be the worst hairline in professional sports history)

After The View ended a news broadcast came on. There apparently was a 40 minute standoff near city hall which ended the way all standoffs do. The gunman fired at the cops, missed, then caught a bullet himself. The only other news I remember was Ryan Howard being put back into the Phillies lineup for the first time this season. I would make a guffaw here about if you’re a Phillies fan this season you probably would hope to get shot by police, but I know most people who read this blog find sports as interesting as I find them.

(I’m kidding! You love sports! And I love you! Even if Taylor does look annoyed about having to do her dumb gang sign over and over again)

The Meredith Viera version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was up next. Nobody ever liked this version. It’s too fast. The contestants are dumber. The rules are completely different. To make up for how much the show sucked they had two Olympians on. One of them was Dominique Dawes who I actually remember from my days of gymnastics watching. The other was some bozo from Middle America who seemed unsure of himself. I always knew athletes were retarded. These two proved it. I forget what one of the questions they had to skip over (yeah, they let you skip over questions now, no shit). They got way too excited when they knew anything. These two idiots ended up with $25,000 for their charity when they could have had about $61,000. They blew it on a science question about Total Recall. Stick to working once every four years you dopes and leave the smarts people with BMI over 25.

After millionaire came on the worst show I have ever seen. I wanted to tell the mechanics to cut my brakes and let me drive away. The show went by the name The Chew. It started off innocently enough. A bald gay guy, a gay guy with hair, Bridgett French-last name, an ugly Maya Rudolph impersonator, that fat chef Mario, and possibly a few others stood around cooking and making light banter with some insults. Then came the personal segments. There was Clinton’s Craft Corner where the gay guy with hair uses jazz hands to remind us how happy he is to not live in a place like Iran. There was a segment where the ugly Maya Rudolph did some weird dance and nobody laughed. The big get for this episode was when fat Mario went to visit Bon Jovi’s restaurant. Myself and another man in the room laughed at how Bon Jovi pretended he actually shows up each night to wash dishes. Yeah, fuck you Jon Bon. Don’t act like you’re some do-gooder because you opened up a restaurant to make enough money to pay for your summer home.

(“I’m a regular guy who struggles with money. I can’t even afford sleeves for my shirts or buttons to keep them together.” – some prick)

I totally forgot to mention how Wayne Brady was a guest on The View. How did I read a book while being able to take note into all this horribleness? I don’t mind Wayne Brady. He makes racist white people feel like they’re tolerant. If I saw Wayne Brady walking down the street I would smile then expect him to do an impromptu song about how sexy I am. I’ll pretend he didn’t rehearse this ahead of time and we’ll all laugh. Mr. Brady is not my cup of tea though. I’m not his target audience which is why I did not enjoy his segment. He is the definition of daytime television. Innocent, inoffensive, and interracial. The three I’s. How is he interracial? He’s part Zulu and part Jamaican. I’m making that up.

What I learned about daytime television here is that this demon was created for women who like to turn off their minds. Everything is about dancing and being chipper. These shows are designed to lighten even the saddest of days. You know those days women who love daytime television have where they forget to cut the crust off their ugly kid’s sandwich. Those horribly sad days when you want to kill yourself. I’m a person who always needs to be thinking. I always need to feel as if I’m growing in some way. Progress must constantly be made. Otherwise I’m stuck in a never changing life where the years continue to add up and the accomplishments stay the same.

How do you feel about daytime television? What from it do you watch? I believe the hours 12-2 were always the worst from what I remember. By 2 reruns and more edgy kid’s shows have begun to air. Not that they ever have nudity on Recess, but they do have the one slutty Ashley.

(Tell me the blonde does not grow up to have hepatitis)

  1. You always have some great quips, like the one about the car repair shop and you felt like being lied to. That is classic and usually true! 🙂

  2. But…I like sports.

    I admire your moxie, taking a shot at watching The View. You’re braver than I am.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Have you seen how disgusting the remote controls at these car shops are? They’re almost as greasy as the people who work there. No way was I touching it. I’m also nowhere near as tall to reach all the way up. Also pretty lazy to get up out of my chair.

  3. I hate Millionaire because people have to explain boring stuff like why they knew the Bachelor was the show with the roses.

    • Mooselicker says:

      They’re trying to be too much like Slumdog Millionaire where horrific events in their lives have helped to shape how they know the answers.

      “I know it because my aunt died in a horrific parasailing accident and we all threw roses on the grave because she loved The Bachelor.”

      Shut it.

  4. When I was little, I went to school when I was sick, just so I would not have to watch daytime TV. The damn kids now-a-days don’t know daytime TV suffering. Thanks TIVO. Yes, I know most people have a DVR, but I still call it TIVO.

    I will say, I do like watching Ellen’s show.

  5. Really off topic, but doesn’t the world end on the 21st of December? Why the 9th of August? You scare me.

  6. A gripping life says:

    Ugh. The sound of the Price is Right music may actually be what’s playing down in Hell on a never ending loop, that, and Joy Behar’s cackle.
    Today’s posts are incredibly depressing, I’m just saying.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Today as in mine in general or today as in everyone who posted yesterday? If it’s everyone I will once again blame sunspots. If it’s just me you are referring to I’ll try to write about puppies or soon.

  7. TV depresses me. Really, I’d rather be locked up in a room with nothing but pen, paper, unlimited food and drinks, and Jon Bon than watch that demon all day. I don’t mean the part about Jon Bon. But I’d take Johnny Depp any day. I know I’m still one of the female sex that way.

  8. Addie says:

    The Chew makes me want to stab myself in the face.

  9. Not going to disparage Jon, but you’re pretty much right on all other counts. And kids should eat the crusts! Heck my kids haven’t eaten dinner in years, but thanks to bread crusts they’re still alive. Well that, and sandwiches, and cereal…

    • Mooselicker says:

      I imagine your children lack any mass muscle whatsoever. But they’re kids. Who needs strength when you’ve got mom to do all the work?

      All New Jersey musicians have the blue collar gimmick. Jon Bon, Springsteen, and even Billy Joel to an extent. He drunk drives into houses. Such an every man.

      • Hmmm. That could explain why it’s so hard for them to lift their toys, books, and clothing off of the floor…

        You can’t rip on Billy Joel though. He’s a Long Islander, and only Long Islanders and are allowed to rip on other Long Islanders. i.e. You’re stealing my thunder.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I assumed he was from Jersey because my mom said he had a beach house with piano keys on the roof. I think she was lying though. How could she possibly know?

  10. I don’t even enjoy sports when I am drunk… what does that say about me?
    They say money wont buy happiness, but if you are already happy it doesn’t hurt… and neither does doing drugs for a Dead show…
    I hope this releasing of your inner anger is making your therapy more helpful.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re the closest thing I have to a therapist. Funny thing is you bring out more rage in me than anything else.

      I also think you’re a woman for not enjoying sports at all. I bet there’s some game you don’t totally despise…

      • I train in close combat with hand-carved wooden knives I made that are copies of my real knives. But I don’t have the organized sports gene.
        Sorry I bring your rage out, but since you are obviously full of rage, that may be a good thing. You might explode if I don’t let it out.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    I’m not into sports. So you hate me now? LOL

    Oh, wait, I love to watch soccer…. the soccer players look sooooooooo fit ! ! Those limbs ! !

  12. renxkyoko says:


    Second time? Really? Yay ! So, I really love soccer !

    Oh, I was in Spain when they had the Euro Cup championship game. Spain vs, Italy. Spain won. And I watched it up to 3 AM.

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