I don’t get much a chance to watch live television very often. When I do it’s in two places, bars or car repair shops. Bars always have sporting matches on TV. What does this say for sports? You have to be drunk to enjoy them? It’s like people who always get high for concerts. If you have to smoke weed to enjoy a concert experience then I believe you need to find better music. Yes, I’m talking about you Dave Matthews Band fans. His Adam Sandler singing voice leaves much to be desired. When I’m getting my car repaired it’s usually during the middle of the day. What’s on the television? Daytime television. I’m pretty sure in Hell it’s always 10-2 and The Price Is Right channel goes dark at 11. Nothing is worse than daytime television. And don’t go telling me infomercials at 3 in the morning are worse. At least at 3 in the morning you can convince yourself you should be in bed or opening up a vein.
I went into a car repair shop recently. I had some extra cash and felt like being lied to. I had prepared myself ahead of time with a book about paranormal hoaxes and my laptop. My laptop is very big and obnoxious. I had thought I would journey out to the Starbucks down the street to use it. Possibly go online and try to find the Facebook accounts of the Baristas working there then freak them out as they see exactly what it is I am looking at. It was a hot day so I decided to stay inside and work on the book reading. What I subjected myself to was far worse. The television in the corner.
First up on the TV was whatever comes on before The View. I blocked it out because The View pretty much garnered most of my anger. On this episode they had a special guest who was an open homosexual. They asked him questions about whether or not it was hard for him to come out. Joy Behar said the word “faggot” which was beeped out. Why did she think she could get away with saying that word? Does she not know how much those faggots offend fans of The View? She only said the word because they had mentioned “the other F word” and wanted to clarify to her idiot audience she didn’t mean the word “fuck.” She was quite insulting in doing so. Then Elisabeth Hasselbeck said something cute and Conservative then we laughed at her for marrying the crappy quarterback from the Hasselbeck family.
(She married the athletic Rob Corddry. This might be the worst hairline in professional sports history)
After The View ended a news broadcast came on. There apparently was a 40 minute standoff near city hall which ended the way all standoffs do. The gunman fired at the cops, missed, then caught a bullet himself. The only other news I remember was Ryan Howard being put back into the Phillies lineup for the first time this season. I would make a guffaw here about if you’re a Phillies fan this season you probably would hope to get shot by police, but I know most people who read this blog find sports as interesting as I find them.
(I’m kidding! You love sports! And I love you! Even if Taylor does look annoyed about having to do her dumb gang sign over and over again)
The Meredith Viera version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was up next. Nobody ever liked this version. It’s too fast. The contestants are dumber. The rules are completely different. To make up for how much the show sucked they had two Olympians on. One of them was Dominique Dawes who I actually remember from my days of gymnastics watching. The other was some bozo from Middle America who seemed unsure of himself. I always knew athletes were retarded. These two proved it. I forget what one of the questions they had to skip over (yeah, they let you skip over questions now, no shit). They got way too excited when they knew anything. These two idiots ended up with $25,000 for their charity when they could have had about $61,000. They blew it on a science question about Total Recall. Stick to working once every four years you dopes and leave the smarts people with BMI over 25.
After millionaire came on the worst show I have ever seen. I wanted to tell the mechanics to cut my brakes and let me drive away. The show went by the name The Chew. It started off innocently enough. A bald gay guy, a gay guy with hair, Bridgett French-last name, an ugly Maya Rudolph impersonator, that fat chef Mario, and possibly a few others stood around cooking and making light banter with some insults. Then came the personal segments. There was Clinton’s Craft Corner where the gay guy with hair uses jazz hands to remind us how happy he is to not live in a place like Iran. There was a segment where the ugly Maya Rudolph did some weird dance and nobody laughed. The big get for this episode was when fat Mario went to visit Bon Jovi’s restaurant. Myself and another man in the room laughed at how Bon Jovi pretended he actually shows up each night to wash dishes. Yeah, fuck you Jon Bon. Don’t act like you’re some do-gooder because you opened up a restaurant to make enough money to pay for your summer home.
(“I’m a regular guy who struggles with money. I can’t even afford sleeves for my shirts or buttons to keep them together.” – some prick)
I totally forgot to mention how Wayne Brady was a guest on The View. How did I read a book while being able to take note into all this horribleness? I don’t mind Wayne Brady. He makes racist white people feel like they’re tolerant. If I saw Wayne Brady walking down the street I would smile then expect him to do an impromptu song about how sexy I am. I’ll pretend he didn’t rehearse this ahead of time and we’ll all laugh. Mr. Brady is not my cup of tea though. I’m not his target audience which is why I did not enjoy his segment. He is the definition of daytime television. Innocent, inoffensive, and interracial. The three I’s. How is he interracial? He’s part Zulu and part Jamaican. I’m making that up.
What I learned about daytime television here is that this demon was created for women who like to turn off their minds. Everything is about dancing and being chipper. These shows are designed to lighten even the saddest of days. You know those days women who love daytime television have where they forget to cut the crust off their ugly kid’s sandwich. Those horribly sad days when you want to kill yourself. I’m a person who always needs to be thinking. I always need to feel as if I’m growing in some way. Progress must constantly be made. Otherwise I’m stuck in a never changing life where the years continue to add up and the accomplishments stay the same.
How do you feel about daytime television? What from it do you watch? I believe the hours 12-2 were always the worst from what I remember. By 2 reruns and more edgy kid’s shows have begun to air. Not that they ever have nudity on Recess, but they do have the one slutty Ashley.
(Tell me the blonde does not grow up to have hepatitis)