Values & Worths

Posted: July 28, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sadness comes from a lot of places. Sometimes it’s from childhood trauma. Other times it comes from the stress of everyday life. My sadness comes from my butt. It’s not a very good support for my overly muscular body. Muscle weighs more than fat. The slogan of mothers everywhere trying to please their overweight sons. And even if you are an overweight son you have value. Your life has worth. And that’s what today I would like to talk about. The value and worth we as human beings all have.

Firmly I believe each individual life has some value. Even the most despicable person on the planet has a purpose. I feel worthless a lot of the time. Then I remind myself that even if I was dead I would have value on the black market. Do you know how much a kidney might cost out there? Cubans are born with only 4 toes on each foot. Still think your being is worthless? There’s an entire Communist island envious of how high you can count on your footsies!

(The missing toe helps them to swim better. It almost makes their foot into a fin so they can swim to America which of course is paved with golden roads and has plentiful job security)

Slavery is always another option to make yourself feel more worthwhile. The fatter your calf muscles the more valuable you are. Slaves are like oxen in that way. I remember a faker pretending to be a Williamsburg Colonist telling me I would have been very desired back in his days due to my strong calf muscles. This is a creepy thing to say to a child. Especially when you’re dressed in 400 year old fashion with an ugly wig on. Maybe he was the town pedophile like how they have town criers or town whores. Perhaps whenever a pedophile was seen as committing pedophilia back in those days he would be put into one of those things you poke your head and hands through. Instead of throwing rotten fruit they rub fully developed breasts in his face. Nothing worse for a pedophile than a grown woman’s body.

(They’re called stocks! I think I gave my computer a virus looking it up. I should have settled with a picture of a grown woman’s body as planned)

What makes me a valuable person? That is a question we all need to ask ourselves. Personally I have a lot to offer. I am a great listener. Mostly because Timisgoo and will avoid saying anything bad to other people at all costs. Instead I shut up and ask questions I do not really care to find out answers to. Here’s a tip. The more questions I ask, the more I’m trying not to get caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing. It’s what us magicians call a “swerve.” And yes I consider myself a magician. I own The Prestige and once rode Houdini’s Great Escape 8 times in one day at Six Flags Great Adventure. I’m more qualified than half those dopes in the Magician’s Alliance.

(Would you believe the guy in the middle is married to Amy Poehler? I know, he really must have thought she had a movie career after SNL)

Think about the magic of life for a moment. It’s okay to think about magic. I’m a magician, remember? You’ll be safe. The odds for you to even exist are so slim. For that one sperm to make it is magnificent. Now think about how weak you are sometimes. You’re still stronger than all those other dud spermatozoa. So many factors have to be right for you to even exist. Your parents have to be in the mood. The alcohol has to be flowing. God forbid you’re one of those poor sperm who are nothing more than a wet dream. No. That ain’t you. You managed to survive the sperm lottery. You exist. And that alone gives you value.

Feeling worthless usually comes from self-doubt. It’s fine to doubt yourself. I doubt myself all the time. I bought honey roasted peanuts the other day and the entire drive home was nervously trying to reach into the bag to see if I had accidentally bought the regular ones. Not that I don’t mind the regular ones. I was in the mood for the honey roasted type. I know this is much different from doubting your existence as a good person. What even is good? See, you start questioning things like this and you become a Greek philosopher. Those guys were always getting murdered for thinking outside the box. Now when you think outside the box you get a C- on your English paper. My point is, doubting yourself is natural and we all do it. Don’t think so much. You’ll end up drinking poison or having to show off extra cleavage to please your lazy-eyed English teacher.

(My 12th grade English teacher actually did have a lazy eye. It happened when he tried following a fly around with his eye and it got stuck going in circles)

Every person on the planet has some value. That’s why suicide bombers are so incredibly heinous. They believe in a cause more than their own lives or the lives of others. Same goes for you Kamikaze pilots reading this. Sure, you got an alcoholic drink named after you, but at what cost? You’ll never live to see it. Look at yourself and find what makes you a great person. If you can’t do that then who will ever believe you when you tell them they’re wonderful? Love yourself, then love others, and they will feel all the more loved. Stop moping around about how you’re worthless and have no value. You aren’t and you do. At the very least you could always donate yourself to science. Shut up and put that hive inducing lipstick on.

  1. renxkyoko says:

    After reading this, I feel like a million bucks. Ahahaha !

  2. renxkyoko says:

    In 10 years, it will amount to nothing…… everything will go south, hu hu hu

  3. Oh, boy. Any post that starts off with you talking out of your… I mean, uh… talking about your butt has to be good. I can’t wait to see where you go from there. This is like one of them there colonoscopies…
    Wow… you really turned that around… from your butt to your overly developed muscles to a moving tribute to mothers… Now, how are you going to make this blow up in our faces?
    See? There you go… you insulted Cubans, offered slavery as a career goal and good way to boost your self esteem level, remembered the word for stocks, and threatened to rub pedophile’s faces with big boobs. You are back on track… I have monster good calves, so I am feeling pretty good about myself…
    Who the hell is Timisgoo? Can I use that as an alien name in my next sci fi novel?
    We are alive not only because of that one magic…(ha)… night our parents ‘hooked up’ but because everyone of our millions of ancestors right back to the protozoas managed to live to be old enough to ‘do it’… and ‘do it’ right… I’m not getting too technical, am I?…
    Maybe your self doubt is just a sign of how smart you are…
    And you come in for the big finish… a plea to people who think they can get people to listen to their political ideas by blowing up women and children. And the plea is for them to take stock… (ha)… of their lives, re-evaluate their self worth, and make better life choices. Your aim may be questionable, but at least you aim high, my friend… (How high were you, just out of curiosity?)…

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re right, you did rock it. Is your dream to do director’s commentary on a film?

      I always so no to drugs. I’m depressed, remember? It’s a disease! I wanted to remind people their lives are worth living is all. We all make mistakes and such. You really want me going off the deep end don’t you?

      • Mostly I just wanted to prove once and for all that I read all your stuff and actually pay attention. (Did I spell any of that right? My spell checker is out again)… Oh, and to show off how clever I am.
        I love that you stuck a positive message in there, but what really amazes me is how you cover up your good instincts with statements that could be construed as predjudice and bigotry. I find it captivating. Like watching a moth flying close to the flames. I don’t want you to stop. The world needs you.
        I just can’t figure out why you aren’t getting death threats yet.

      • Mooselicker says:

        It’s not bigotry if you admit your own faults. I’ve always tried my best to be able to point out what’s wrong with everyone else while still being able to admit I’m just as guilty as they are.

        Good intentions get you to hell. Good intentions with some unruly humor added in get you to hell but at least there will be an awesome seat there waiting.

      • Um… I am pretty sure you can insult people and not have it be cancelled out just because you then insult yourself. Try going to a rap show and shouting the ‘n’ word. Then just tell everybody that it is okay, because you are white trash…
        I am not calling you white trash, you understand? I am just making a point.
        I have come to accept that many of your views are just humor. If I didn’t believe that, I would be seriously worried about you.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I think you took what I said too literal or not literal enough. I think it would make me a bad person if I wasn’t able to “take it” and was only a person who “dished it out.”

        Using the N word as an example. I would feel like everyone should be able to say it or no one at all should. I don’t believe certain people have certain privileges over others when it comes to anything in life. I would never tell someone they’re wrong for having an opinion. I think I’m losing track of where I was going with this. Let’s just stick with how everything I say is in good humor. Maybe I’ll write a post about this in the future trying to explain it more thoroughly…

      • You are a shining beacon of morality for us all to follow.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Morality? I’m not familiar with the word.

      • Ha! That is your story and you are sticking with it.

  4. Addie says:

    And here I thought you put on your stocks before you put on your shoes. Shows what I know.

  5. I love “The Prestige”! As long as you still own that movie, you still have value in my eyes! Any chance you’re also a beekeeper and a peanut farmer?

    Oh, wait, that wasn’t really where you were going with this post was it? You also have lovely kidneys…

    • Mooselicker says:

      I keep the kidneys active. I’ve been awake 3 hours and already worked them 4 times.

      The Prestige is so underrated. It blows the Batman movies and Inception away as far as Christopher Nolan goes.

  6. Do the Olympic officials know about this 4-toe advantage?

  7. A gripping life says:

    Great post. Very funny. Quintessential Mooselicker, I’d say.
    Lily used to think she was awesome because she was the winning sperm! I think I did too good of a job giving my kids healthy self esteem. Now I feel like I need to knock them down a few pegs.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks! I don’t think you need to lower their self-esteem. I think by the time most people hit 25 they’re already thinking they might not have been as great as previously thought.

  8. This is so beautiful. And you’re right. Even the least valuable among us would be useful as human shields and stuff.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Awww thank you. I am beautiful aren’t I? 🙂

      It’s silly to think your life is value-less. If a grocery store can still charge $2 for expired meat surely you would go for more.

  9. Nifti says:

    Haha. Too funny.

  10. Every time I read the opening line in a post that you have written, I wonder how you come up with this stuff. You are quite the witty wordsmith 😉

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