The first stage of death is denial. Isn’t that what Kurt Cobain keeps saying in Smells Like Teen Spirit at the end? “In denial! In denial!” I’m not sure. Kurt Cobain lacked speaking clearly even without a shotgun down his throat. Denying anyone of anything can be hurtful. You can deny people access to anything. You can deny yourself. Denials are all around us. I denied myself a shower this morning. I need to show up to work smelling as badly as possible. I want to be asked to go home for causing a distraction.

Why do denials happen? Jealousy! I blame everything on jealousy. A girl once denied me her phone number. She was jealous if we ever stood aside one another naked I might show her up. She was flimsily built. Her hair on par to a wet rat’s back. I only asked her for her phone number because she was Amish and I wanted to see if they were allowed to have phones. They’re not. They’re also not allowed to put me down nicely without laughing about it with their friends.

(Stop giggling about Mary turning me down and churn some butter you bitches)

Certain establishments must deny certain people admission. Back in the olden days women and minorities would not be allowed into some businesses. No longer is this the case. Now there are places where women and minorities only go. Women have their Coach Purse stores, their nail salons, and planned pregnancies. Minorities have their rap concerts, fried chicken joints, and cash checking centers. I’m allowed into each of these places. I would rather not go into any of them. Boredom and bullet wounds are always on the horizon. Bars do not allow people under the age restriction into their door. If you’re cute enough you can usually get inside despite being underage. Most bouncers are pedophiles. They only applied for the job because they thought it involved knee bouncing. Knee bouncing, the pedophile’s version of stamp collecting.


Only one building on earth has my picture placed on the wall behind the counter saying I may no longer enter. Next to my picture is one of Nelson Muntz and George Lucas. This place is a restaurant down at the Jersey Shore. During my early standup comedy days I thought being funny was saying words and phrases like “fart”, “vagina”, and “up your ass and around the corner” were a surefire way to get laughs. The owner of this restaurant/comedy club that can seat 20 jerk-offs did not appreciate my attempts at humor. He folded his arms to let me know he was angry and Italian then told me I was not welcome back. Since my email address at the time was Cheekstheclown, they assumed I would be some dorky clown who makes dumb animals. Now my email address is TimBoyle109. Does this mean I’m some dorky idiot mathematician?

(Nope, don’t see me. Why are the two black guys near each other? The one is sandwiched between two Asians. Why, because he can’t do it on his own and he needs some help from the Chinese? Such a racist cover)

I deny people things at times. I deny my dog food all the time. He’s always begging. He should be happy enough I allow him access to my bathroom to sleep in to beat the heat. Right now he’s lying by the front door wanting something. I can’t figure it out. He probably hears the ice cream truck. Christ he’s fat. I also deny people into my life a lot. It’s difficult for me to allow someone new to enter. Meeting someone new is work. You have to get to know everything about them and then accept their flaws. Yuck. It’s frightening. What if they don’t like me? What will they think of my strange moles? What will I think of their strange scars? How long into our friendship do I ask about them? This is why I can never make new friends. I jump too quickly to worry they have some murdering father after them who is coming to finish the job. I do not want to be collateral damage.

(I don’t want him to tug on my hair either. Hair pulling is only for the bedroom. Even then it’s annoying. Stop trying to seem tough. It’s hair. You’re not strong for being able to pull it ladies. It’s decided, I’m shaving my head)

A good undertaking we can all do is to deny less, invite more. Denying anything from your life can have reverse effects. You may binge on whatever bit of whatever it is you deny yourself once you get ahold of it. Most important you should not be in denial about yourself and who you are. This can leave you less aware. You become more vulnerable to the monsters out there in life. Get past stage one of death and this end of the world thing on August 9th will be a lot easier on you.

  1. I actually was giggling about the Mary thing when you instructed me not too! LOL

  2. Brother Jon says:

    I have to ask, has your stand-evolved much since then, or did you just change your e-mail address?

    I do the same thing to me cat. Sooner or later she will learn what “SHUT-UP!” means.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I actually don’t do it anymore, but I did get better for a while! I tried it again earlier this year. If I was to create a new email address to match my performance I’d ask you to contact me at

      Animals never learn. I told him yesterday he never even sits with me anymore and I like him there. He smirked then left. I hate him.

  3. Nope… I don’t feel any more ready to accept death after this post.
    Although to be fair, I am sure some people would welcome death after reading it, but I am not that weak. So keep them coming.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    De Nile is not just a river in Egypt!

    I have fully accepted the world is to end on the 9th and I am embracing it with open arms. After all I’m indestructible so I’m sure I’ll be fine.

  5. I denied myself an ice cream yesterday, even though the ice cream van pulled up, right outside my house.

    I had choc ices in the freezer, he can go shit.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Denying yourself ice cream is tough, especially when its right at the door. Seeing all those hot Olympic women must help though. They don’t go for guys who eat ice cream.

  6. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t get it, but as ever, you’re fun to read. he he he

  7. A gripping life says:

    I think my trip to Vegas prepared me for death on August 9th.

  8. Damn. I go to this blog and I’m always denied the chance to read with a face of utter seriousness until the last paragraph.

    August 9. Alright. I’ll try my best to log on that day. That’s if I don’t burst to bloody bits first. The world is going to end by bursting, right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Bursting with joy maybe.

      It’s a bit with a month long pay off. If you don’t log in you will have wasted your time. It will also occur probably Friday morning for you. Time zones are complicated during the Rapture.

  9. Addie says:

    You showed a photo from ‘Always Sunny’, which raises you even higher in my estimation.

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