The second stage of death is anger. Anger is an emotion. One met with a red face and clenched fists. Angry people can be scary looking. Their voices rise. Their farts seem intolerable. I get angry a lot. Rarely do I shout. I’m more someone who will mutter things under my breath. I cannot tell you how many times I have been pissed at someone and as soon as they turned the corner I gave them the double middle-finger. Some people may say I’m a coward for doing this. I say I’m saving my grandma from fainting.

(Yes I flip off my grandma. She was a Nazi war criminal. She had very little involvement in WWII. If you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem. She’s the one on the right here dining with her college roommate’s boyfriend)

Today I want to talk about things that make me furious. I’ll stay away from topics like murderers, child rapists, and line cutters. These screw-heads are clearly hated by us all. I would like to instead focus on my inane anger issues. The times when even I sometimes think I need to take an anger management class.

1) Not having the bathroom to myself

I hate whenever I go into a public bathroom and other people are in there. I like to do my business in private. Sometimes after peeing I like to lift up my shirt in the mirror and remember what shame looks like. I can’t do that with others around. More than not being alone in the bathroom I hate seeing someone head for the bathroom right before I am. I feel obligated to remain seated for at least a little bit. I don’t want to get into some weird situation where I have to pretend to wash my hands longer than need be because he’s too busy hogging the hand dryer. This happens to me at least once a week. To solve the problem I’m thinking about going back to diapers.

(North Korea’s version of ballet. They get as many people as they can to put Depends on over their clothes then they clap in unison. Diplomacy is no longer an option)

2) People who do not respect personal space

When I say personal space I mean anywhere near me. I do not like people to be present. Whether it be in a car one lane over or in the same theater while I am watching a movie, I hate the presence of others. Sometimes I will hear my neighbors outside talking. Instead of going outside to escape a gas leak I will hide inside until their conversation ends. This is how much I hate others. I would rather suffocate to death than have to exchange pleasantries.

3) Unfriendly cashiers

I gave a cashier a $20 bill for a $14.96 item. He gave me back 4 cents. I asked him where the rest of my money was. He told me I gave him $15. Is there a $15 bill? I was not aware. I imagine picture on this bill is someone like Martin Van Buren or Tipsy Gore (or whatever Al Gore’s wife’s name is). I love a cashier who smiles. I guess when I think about it they’re only happy when they’re ones who can work for tips. The rest always seem as miserable as I am. At least they don’t have to stare at their ugly face like I do.

(Keri Russell is just happy to have work after Felicity went off the air. I bet she only works at this restaurant because Ben comes in frequently)

4) Receiving voicemails on my phone

Whenever I get a voicemail I always get excited. I imagine someone has great news. Such great news that they had to call me to tell me about it. Never do they have anything worthwhile to say. They were either bored or have run out of monthly text messages and have to call me a jackass with their voice. Listening to voicemails is so annoying. My mom used to leave the longest voicemails imaginable. I always gave them two minutes then decided it was best to just call her to have her tell me she saw a deer on television. Please do not leave me voicemails without extremely exciting news. I’m always afraid someone has died and I was taking a poop when you called. Now whenever I poop I will be afraid another loved one will be passing on.

5) When someone is a “good writer” then I read their stuff and don’t get it

I’ll admit, I’m pretty dumb. No, really. I swear! Don’t let the brilliance of this blog fool you. I have a very difficult time comprehending even the simplest tasks. I never used a real toilet until I was 17. My home was not carpeted so we managed. What do I consider a good writer? That’s a hard question to answer. To me good means entertaining and understandable. Less is more. What I hear from others as good can be overly complicated and leads to nowhere. I hate books that are overly descriptive. A story should go somewhere. It should have more to say than whatever the moral of the story is. At the very least I shouldn’t be zoning out thinking about movies. If I’m reading your book and thinking about movies you have not done your job.

6) People who ask too many questions

What qualifies as too many questions? More than one. Young people ask too many questions. It really aggravates me. Some might describe my feelings as being “irked.” Young people have bad instincts so it makes sense. That’s why you always hear about high school kids dying in humorous preventable ways. Go with your gut instead of asking someone for the right way to do a task. If you make a mistake, who cares? Someone else will fix it and correct you. If you’re smart enough you’ll remember forever how to do it right.

(The golden days, back when only boys were allowed to ask questions during class)

Plenty more things in life upset me. I’m going to limit this to 6 because as I said earlier, there are things that make all of us angry. There is no point in me going deeper into them. Plus, the world is coming to an end soon. I have things to do before it does, like find the right kind of diaper to wear.

Comments
  1. I always hated the people in class that asked lots of questions. I seriously think they just wanted attention and thought up stuff so they could raise their hand and feel important for a split second. I also hated the people that raised their hand and commented or tried to add to what the teacher was saying. Let the teacher TEACH! Unless it’s a discussion class and your desks are in a circle, shut-up.
    Ahhh.. that feels better.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wow you’ve been holding that in for a while haven’t you? High school was bad because by then all the students thought they knew everything about the world.

      “Blah blah blah liberal agenda. George Bush is an asshole” – everyone in my 10th grade history class. He’s a politician. Of course he is. Now shut up. Your dad makes six figures.

  2. Keeping anger inside is bad for you… Letting it out can be bad for you and for someone else.
    I will never do a post about things that make me angry… it would never end.
    I see what you are doing here. You are using these ‘stages’ as a cheap excuse to be funny… hilarious, in fact, but you promised to prepare us for the end of the world, so get on with it.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Letting anger out in a productive way is never a bad thing.

      I’m glad you enjoyed this. You’re my toughest audience member. I am upset you think this is some clever ploy when in the end I’m just trying to let everybody know something bad is coming.

  3. I’m like you, I won’t get ‘angry in the face’. And those things piss me off too. And many other things do the same. Unfortunately. Like that ASSHOLE that almost run over me while I had priority there. Fucking bastard!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t think I have ever seen you swear. You used two of them.

      You seem like an “under the breath” angry person like me. Nobody will suspect our dormant rage. One day though they will regret almost running us over.

  4. Brother Jon says:

    I never thought about the connection between anger and flatulence. Thanks for bringing that to light. Makes sense to me.

  5. breezyk says:

    I also hate people who ask too many questions- there is no need with google people! Look it up on your smartphone. Also I hate people lingering in public washrooms- women are awful for this, they feel like they need to wipe the counters and shit when they’re done washing their hands. Go mom somebody else on your own time, ladies!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I need to start hanging out in women’s washrooms more frequently to fully grasp your genius. I don’t get why these women don’t get jobs as janitors. They can sit in carnival bathrooms with a bucket saying “Tips” on it.

  6. Cafe says:

    Haha! First of all, I noticed your milestone widget — very nice. Thank you for the alert. Secondly, I agree with your list, particularly #5 and #6!!

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    “He told me I gave him $15. Is there a $15 bill? I was not aware.”

    Hahahahaha! Cashiers are so retarded. I always get the moody ones, now in supermarkets we have our own self checkouts, why do we even need them? Or when I’m buying alcohol and they ask me for ID, I’m 26, I’ve been legal for nearly 9 years! Just shut the fuck up and give me my cheap wine so I can drink it alone and wallow in self pity!

    Anyone that asks me for ID makes me angry, especially those that look barely legal themselves, this girl ID’d me in a pub once, I said “Have you got ID to prove you’re old enough to serve alcohol?” and when she couldn’t produce it I said I was reporting her for serving alcohol under the legal limit. Needless to say I was served without having to produce ID of my own. You should try it next time you’re out, doesn’t matter if they look 50, it’s always fun to ask.

    I usually get voicemails from people wanting to offer me jobs, but on occasion I’ll wake up Sunday morning and I’ll have 5 voicemails from drunken friends that felt to need to dial me and just yell “BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH PEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEOOORRRRREEEEHHH”

    Fuck off.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I barely get ID’ed anymore. One girl looked at my license way too long. She said it was an old picture because my eyes are more droopy. I really wanted to smash her with a bottle.

      I hate drunken voicemails. For some reason I still have to listen incase they admit something terrible I can use as blackmail.

  8. Oh Mooselicker. These are all on my list as well. There are many others but since I’m still trying to figure out what to wear for the Apocalypse, I don’t have time to list them. But I bet they’re things that annoy you too.

  9. Since I very much agree with 1 to 6, I’ll give myself the privilege to continue the list.

    #7.)People who “likes” stuff without bothering to read or even looking at it.
    #8.)Yellers.
    #9.)Hemorrhoids.
    #10.)Kids (real form,not the facade).
    #11.)Lady Gaga.
    #12.)Lady Gaga.

    #187.)Lady Gaga.

  10. Addie says:

    My voice mail message says, “You’ve reached Adair. I do not listen to messages, so, please don’t leave one.” You’ve no idea how many people leave one. How many, you ask? See? There is a question I don’t want to answer.

    • Mooselicker says:

      A number larger than 0? People are idiots. Whenever someone complains to me about things from now on, things people do which are idiotic, I’m not going to even try to make fun of them. I’m going to remind the person how stupid people are and this behavior is expected.

      Cell phones ruined any alone time we could ever get.

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