The fourth stage of death is depression. Lots of people suffer from depression. I knew a girl who was diagnosed by a doctor with it. Before being diagnosed she was very happy. After being diagnosed all she did was mope. I didn’t much like her anyway. Now that she knew she was depressed and could start behaving this way I felt more comfortable being nasty to her. She would take it. Besides this idiot, there are real people who have real depression. Not the kind caused by the power of persuasion. For you, the true downtrodden, I offer you tips today on how to ease or possibly cure your wasteful existence.
Depressed people love lists. Did you know David Letterman fans kill themselves the more than Jay Leno fans? It’s no coincidence. They watch Letterman for his Top 10 List. Jay Leno fans are too cheery. They laugh at other people’s typos. They’re mean nasty people. And since we have determined depressed people enjoy lists, I will make the rest of this post in list form.
(When Jay Leno was named Johnny Carson’s successor, Letterman tried to kill himself by blowing out his own brains. He survived but will forever have to live with the gap tooth the bullet gave him)
Eat A Lot: Nothing cheers me up more than eating a lot. Food eases pain. It’s common knowledge. Remember that part in Field of Dreams when the voice said “Ease his pain” then Kevin Costner bought James Earl Jones a hot dog? Find your true comfort food. When you get sad eat as much of it as you can. Soon you will forget about the troubles in your life. If you’re anything like me, you will spend the rest of the night on the toilet. My comfort food, high fiber cereal. It’s healthier than cake because the box says so.
Eat Nothing: After eating a ton you’ll probably hate yourself even more. Especially if part of your sadness comes from hating the way you look. Nobody wants to look fat. Well, I’m sure somebody does. Somebody also took a shit in the sink when I was in high school. More shits have been found in the sink in my high school than men who have walked on Mars. We are doomed as a civilization. Sometimes eating nothing at all makes me feel just as good as eating a ton. I feel lean and fit. Like if I did this for another 60 days I might be able to obtain abs. I’ll probably also be very dizzy and near death, but I’ll look awesome checking myself out at the gym.
(Abs like these would be great. You know, the abs stoners insist they have because they spend all their money on drugs instead of food. If I can lift you over my head then you don’t have abs. You’re just almost dead)
Watch A Movie: May I suggest not watching Taxi Driver? This is by far the most dangerous movie in existence. It almost got Ronald Reagan killed. It’s my go to depression movie though. Problem is idiots like John Hinckley Jr. take it too seriously. I wouldn’t recommend watching a children’s movie either. The movies kids watch are too happy. Why when I’m bawling my eyes out into some popcorn would I want to see everything work out in an animated character’s favor? Watch something with an annoying ending. Like that Marcy May Marlene Malcolm movie. If you’ve seen the movie you get what I’m saying. If you haven’t, imagine the Wizard of Oz ending in the middle of a line by the gay lion.
Workout: Exercising raises endorphin levels and raised endorphin levels make you happy. That’s what I overheard a bald black man say. It’s true though. Exercising does make people happy. Until you get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Then you just want to give up and die in the bath tub with a dozen donuts in your naked wet lap. If you’re going to exercise to help your depression I recommend having someone weaker and uglier than you to do the spotting. You may get injured, but at least you look better by comparison. That should cheer you up a tad.
(How does this picture actually exist? I think I found my soul mate)
Socialize: Most depression is caused by antisocial behavior. Except masturbation. I don’t think that has ever made anyone depressed. I find even just yelling something vulgar out my car window at a stranger helps to make me laugh again. I don’t care what people say, socializing is any form of talking to others. Even if it does involve speeding away in a car. Be forewarned, do not socialize with other sad people. Sad people like to bring others down to their levels. So I guess what I’m really trying to say is you should just masturbate instead of taking the risk.
Play With Animals: I don’t mean in a sadistic way either. You should never have animals fight each other. Unless it’s a really cool match-up like a shark versus a lion. I’m not sure how they could ever do that. If you have the chance I think even the head of PETA will give you a pass. They kill their animals anyway. Animals are natural givers of joy. Petting a dog, hugging a cat, or flushing a goldfish down the toilet cannot help but bring a smile to the face of even the most evil person.
(Ever since I was a boy I have been afraid of something attacking me from the toilet. This picture has brought back my rational fear)
Treat Yourself: Whatever it might be, go out and give yourself a treat. Ice cream, a walk in the park, taking a bath, telling your boss to go fuck himself, anything your bleak unwanted heart desires. There’s nothing wrong with you for being depressed. Depression is an emotion. Like happiness, joy, and love. Three things you probably know nothing about. But maybe if you try a little and stop sulking, grab life by the horns, you can find some sense of happiness. Find what makes you happy and do it.
What do you do to cheer yourself up when you’re feeling blue? Don’t say listen to music. I’m making this blog more accessible to the deaf. You’re being insensitive if you go with music. Being insensitive is the last thing you want to be right now as the world is about to come to an end on August 9th.