The fifth and final stage of death is acceptance. Pundits will argue the final stage is splattering on the ground after being pushed off a building. This theory has been debunked as not everyone dies after being shoved off a building. I have been shoved off lots of things. Jungle gym equipment, chairs, my own pride, beds, an ant hill, and off the person doing the shoving. You may think I might try to stop this from happening so often. Getting shoved hurts. But what I have learned is that certain things in your life must be accepted. Having two open palms push me out-of-the-way is one of them.

(Don’t let the Minnesota licenses fool you. Soul Asylum are dicks. This song is actually about shoving me. They would sing it as they ran down the hallways trying to find me, somebody to shove)

Acceptance can be tough because in a way it’s giving up. At the same time accepting things also allows you to move on. The biggest thing I have had to accept in life is that I will never become a professional athlete. No matter what I do I have no chance at ever making millions of dollars playing sports. I pretty much set this to be all I would do with my life. I didn’t bother studying in school or showing others respect. I had an almost .700 batting average when I was 10 years old. I was a defensive and offensive monster during recess football. One time I even scored a goal during soccer while I was the goalie with an awesome punt. For me to bother with books was silly. Things didn’t work out though. I blame getting off the nasal spray I was on which contained steroids. They never made me stronger or anything, but knowing I had steroids ingesting themselves into my body gave me the confidence I needed. Now I live my sports dreams vicariously through creating myself into video games and raising my abilities as high as possible.

I have also come to accept that good things will never happen to me unless I go out for them. We all hear stories about how someone was masturbating in a Starbucks bathroom when they discover a lottery ticket on the toilet seat. They scratch it off and voilà they’ve got $50. I feel guilty going into businesses merely to pleasure myself in their bathrooms. This popular occurrence will never happen to me. If I want to be rich I need to stomp on other people’s dreams. It’s a hard thing to accept. I always try to be nice and help others. Get this, I actually offered to listen to somebody else’s problems the other day. How insane is that? I know if I really want a lot of money I will need to start telling these whiners to fuck off. Bill Gates didn’t get to where he is by playing therapist. He got there by scamming friends.

(Apparently this is Bill Gates’s daughter. She’s hot in the states where the age of consent laws are 16+. In the other states she’s only adorable and will one day make a man very lucky)

People’s perception of me is something which is hard to understand. Am I likeable? I don’t think so. I think I fall into the category where you have to roll your eyes and say “Oh you!” I’m like David Blaine in a way. Nobody really likes him, but you know if you stick around enough you may have front row seats to disaster. I am enough aware I am not the person I wanted to be. I had hoped I could be charismatic, charming, suave, calm, and larger than life. I wanted people to be drawn to me. Even the most brilliant people in life would sit down at my feet Indian style to listen to what I had to say. When I say Indian style I mean the ones with the tomahawks. I think you know that. Indian people from India don’t have enough room to sit. Their sitting style would be on top of 4 other people. I have to accept who I am. Continue to evolve into what it is I want to be, but accept for now I am good enough.

(Those dicks Soul Asylum also wrote a song about Indian trains. Runaway Train is about Indian people falling off the tops of trains. Look up the lyrics. It makes sense)

The hardest thing for anyone to accept is their surroundings. Anything we cannot directly control can be difficult to agree to. The way other people behave is a hard one. People actually dislike other people so much that they are willing to make sure that person no longer exists. This is called murdering someone. It sounds kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Most murders happen because the person cannot accept what it is the other person has done or is doing with their life. Someone might be affiliated with a different gang. Someone might decide they want to date someone else. Someone might even have things in their own life they cannot control which gets them murdered. Accepting others is difficult. It’s one of the few social issues they teach you in school. It’s also the main social issue you learn can ruin your own life because people are not nearly as accepting as they say they are. I know I’m not. Not that it’s their fault, but I wouldn’t mind seeing most people with different viewpoints from me die.

The one thing we must all accept is on August 9th, 2012 the world will come to an end. There is nothing any of us can do. What we need is someone to save us.

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    It does make me wonder, what you’ll have to say when the world doesn’t end in 3 days :O

  2. I always knew I liked you, but your line “Not that it’s their fault, but I wouldn’t mind seeing most people with different viewpoints from me die” is what just sent you right up to the top of my list.

    Enjoy your final 3 days, buddy.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad blatant hatred of others has finally gotten someone to like me.

      I never said it was the end of the world for me. The rest of the society may not be so lucky though.

      *eerie bells chiming*

  3. I am fairly sure that if the death we are talking about is your own, you have very little choice but to accept it. I have realized at last that you have confused the stages of grief with the stages of death. Death has two stages;
    1. You are alive.
    2. You are not.
    Glad I could clear this up.

  4. renxkyoko says:

    I have also accepted not to try to understand what the heck you’re talking about, hahaha. I just enjoy and want to be surprised where this is all going…. nowhere. he he he…. lovin’ it though. I don’t need to think and go deep. LOL Cheers , Mooselicker !

  5. So I’m guessing that plane trip I have scheduled for Thursday is not a good idea… I should instead opt to die here in Redondo Beach.

    P.S. Will it be apocalyptic? Have you been stocking up on canned goods just in case? Perhaps I should sell some of my old Soul Asylum shiz and use the money to buy evaporated milk… They sound like a bunch of bastards anyway.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I have some tuna leftover in my cupboards. I overstocked and grew sick of the food.

      Aren’t we supposed to go to higher grounds when the world is coming to an end? I can’t think of anything higher than an airplane. The day someone buys a used Soul Asylum CD will be the day I lose all hope for humanity.

  6. Addie says:

    Something better happen–I accepted Blue Sky’s offer to loan me $10K on a paycheck loan on money I’ll never have to pay back based on the world ending.

    Fingers crossed.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh something is going to happen. Trust me, I’m not patient enough to commit to anything for a full month without knowing for sure it was true.

      On a side note, think you could lend me some of that cash? No paper trail please.

  7. A gripping life says:

    Haha! I actually like that one Soul Asylum song. Now when I hear it I’m gonna think about all those Indians piled high.
    I’m with Weebs on this. I like that you have no problem seeing those with different opinions from you die. I don’t want them to suffer, just disappear – spontaneous combustion would be okay, I guess?

    • Mooselicker says:

      It would have to be very spontaneous for it to not hurt. Don’t people who spontaneously combust catch on fire and scream for a few seconds?

      I don’t really mind Soul Asylum. Other than being jerks to me in the fake high school we didn’t go to together, they’re alright.

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