From the skies birds drop dead. Fish in the oceans float to the top. Ice caps melt. Hillbillies purchase toothbrushes. Louie Anderson does a successful sit up. I change the channel away from the best of women’s Olympic volleyball. The world has come to an end. My first novel is now available in full.
(Your excitement level)
Yep, there were people out there who said I couldn’t do it. Friends. Family. The Nation of Islam. All of you. I spit on your grave. I have a completed book and what have you done with your life? I bet you can’t even lift a book. I’m stronger than you are. Better too. You won’t have me to push around anymore. I have as much credibility as that 50 Shades of Grey monster.
(She’s getting a little full of herself putting her own face on her next book)
You might be asking why the hell you should buy my book. Do you love your children? Didn’t think so. This book if you print it out is over 100 pages. That wastes paper. Paper coming from trees. Less trees means less oxygen. Your dumb kids will suffocate to death sooner rather than later. A perfect reason behind making this purchase. You can also smack them with the hardcopy. Children hate to be smacked. Especially by their parents. It causes them psychological damage. Boo-Hoo.
Thank you for all your continued support and readership with this blog. Without viewers like you (I feel like I should be offering you a $75 tote bag with Grover on it) I probably never would have put forth the agonizing manpower it took to complete this book. So in a way I guess you’re all coauthors. Even more of a reason to buy a copy! You will be on a best seller list. Of course we never signed any contract or anything so you will not receive financial compensation. If we ever meet in person I will be sure to give you a pat on the back. Unless you have a sweating problem. Then maybe you will have to settle for a wink in the distance.
And as a special gift (mostly to myself because I know more people will read it if they can get a free copy) I have included a code to access my book for free. I still would love a $2.99 donation. If you happen to pay full price let me know and you can decide what I spend the money on. It must be something practical like lunch or paying a Mexican coyote to smuggle me a slave into America.
All you have to do is sign up for the website at Smashwords, it’s very easy and free, then enter the code AG46L as the coupon to knock the price to nothing. I’m not sure exactly when it will be available on other sites as I did not think the Internet was so slow it would take three weeks for two websites to communicate.
As for why I chose August 9th, it just happened to be a month away from when I decided to do this gimmick. I got lucky a few strange things actually did occur on the day. Imagine how excited you would have been about this if I delivered you something you actually cared about. I am a true carny at heart.
Special thanks to Michael Cargill because without him I never would have heard of Smashwords. I will report back as soon as the book is available on other places like Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and so forth. Well, it is on Barnes and Noble but they thought the cover was so rad it didn’t deserve an actual summary.
P.S. As soon as I posted this it started to rain really hard and the lights flickered. Maybe I was onto something afterall…