Thanks to my public American education I am able to determine the word “jerk” has two basic definitions. The first is a verb. As in to jerk. Your head can jerk in a car crash or when seeing a really hot girl. Sometimes people lie about the state of their neck. I remember getting in an accident on my bus in 2nd grade and yelling “Whiplash!” over and over again. I knew the word. I knew how you got it. When else would I get to yell it as loud as possible? Other parts of your body can be jerked too. You can jerk your finger after it gets jammed. You can jerk your calf muscle to get out a Charley horse. Yep, that’s about the only part of your body which can be jerked off.

(“I disagree. I can think of something else.” – Fred Willard. I bet he’s playing with it in this picture)

There is another type of jerk. The jerk. Someone who behaves in a less than stellar way. I’ve been called a jerk. I’ve been called an asshole. Bastard. Prick. Dick. Right wing. Pussy. Fatso. Ugly. Rosy cheeked buffoon. Slightly retarded. Cunt breath. I’ve been called it all. None ever seems to really hurt at this point. In fact, don’t most jerks get what they want?

I believe in order to be a jerk you must not give someone else what it is they want. If a parent does not give their child a piece of candy, the child will see the parent as a jerk. Is this fair? The kid has diabetes and stabbed a classmate with a pencil. He did not earn that gummy Coke bottle. He doesn’t even deserve an ancient butterscotch lozenge. It’s tough to be a legitimate all around jerk. You’re usually only one when someone feels like you singled them out as the victim. I thought up some great theory about how people are more accepting when there are other victims than themselves, but have since forgotten. This is why I need an assistant. Someone I can pour my heart out to. Someone who stands around me in silence and write down my every word.

(Were these actually anybody’s favorite candy?)

I don’t like when people think I’m a jerk. Really, I’m an extremely sweet person. I used to carry around a lighter on the off-chance a smoker has lost theirs. It came in handy once and that 14-year-old girl was very thankful. I wish this was more made up than it really is. To avoid being a jerk you have to be one from the very beginning. You have to never do a nice thing for anybody ever. People will call you a jerk. Those who know you best will step in and say “No, that’s just who Joshua is. Wouldn’t you be pissed off too if you had a tree named after you?” Whenever I’m a jerk it’s usually because I behave uncharacteristically. People can shove down children and steal canes from the elderly every day their entire lives and we will accept that’s a part of who they are. I tell someone I don’t feel like getting them ice for their soda and I become worse than Hitler.

Who do I think are jerks? Jerks to me are anyone who presses the issue. They not only look out for their own needs, they look to do whatever goes against the needs of others. There was a kid I went to school with who would never leave me alone. From 6th grade until 11th, each time we would see each other he would never have a nice thing to say to me. I actually had a dream about him giving a really powerful speech while in a Porto-Potty last night. He got a slow clap. The speech was something about him admitting as to why he was always such a problem. The fact he managed to turn around his behavior almost makes him not a jerk, right? “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish” is what my baseball coach would tell the team when giving us sex advice. I still think the guy is a jerk no matter how nice he ever gets. I think what hurts most is the word jerk has been used to define me and him at the same time. I’m nothing like him. I never dyed my hair blue for a year.

(You always know a guy is going to be an asshole when he steals Katy Perry’s hairstyles. She needs to stop trying to make funny faces)

Being a jerk is not the worst thing in the world either. What it means is you are headstrong and do not back down. Funny because people also complain one someone is a carpet and too big of a pussy. Humans are way into moderation yet we do such little in it. Does anyone ever eat half a serving size? Do you ever buy a DVD and watch one episode of The Cape once a week? Of course not. Didn’t The Cape only last two episodes anyway? Nobody likes a superhero whose main gimmick is he wears a cape. Female sweaters look like capes. Keep them away from the superhuman.

(What are women wearing these days? Wasn’t there a whole Modern Family episode about how ridiculous the poncho is?)

To sum this essay up, jerks are not always bad. One day I didn’t get the mail and I called the mailman a jerk. How do I know I was even supposed to receive mail? His son could have always been kidnapped and he was on some trek to get him back from the Muslim terrorists. But there I was sitting on my couch calling the mailman a dick based on my own needs and wants. I did not get what I want because someone did not meet my expectations. He is the jerk. He is the one who should pay. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just find, the other person isn’t the jerk, you may very well be.

  1. A gripping life says:

    Jerk was my favorite word when I was growing up. Lately I’ve been using idiot, I like that it has 3 syllables, more for me to emphasize.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I usually go with stupid. There’s too much pride in calling someone a jerk. It can make them feel like they accomplished something. Stupid is great because there’s no way to fix it.

  2. Is anyone actually looking at Katy Perry’s face??

  3. Smaktakula says:

    My friend, I disagree–I did earn that gummy coke bottle. Don’t you dare take my preexisting health conditions into account!

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    Is Jerk the American word for “Knob head”?

  5. Luddy's Lens says:

    It looks like Willard’s hands are behind his back in that picture. That is potentially impressive, except he’s old enough to be everybody’s grandpa.

    Anyhoo, I like how there’s always a moral to your ramblings. That last paragraph made me realize, “Hey, Mooselicker’s right!”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Fred Willard has unusually long arms. He likes to tug himself from behind too.

      I figure why say something if there isn’t a higher purpose? Even Star Wars had a deep message, adoption never works.

  6. robpixaday says:

    Just wanted to stop in an say I’m sorry for not being around…I’m missed reading your posts!!! Figured I leave a comment on this “Jerks” post bec I’m going to behave like one and leave before I actually read it. Can’t stay, just wanted to say I didn’t fall off the face of the earth [yet] and will be back reading and GUFFAWING your MooslickerMasterpieces in a couple of days!!!

    ::runs home to take the chocolate cake out of the oven::

  7. robpixaday says:

    You’re not a jerk!!!! And even if you are, it’s only because of that whiplash you so bravely endured as a child.

  8. robpixaday says:

    Are you moderating your comments? Or is it me? Yesterday everything I typed went to spam. Maybe I got an upgrade!

  9. I haven’t been called a jerk, not even once. Bitch is another thing though. Why do guys always get the better names?

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