Rings

Several years ago a movie came out called The Ring. People flocked to this film. Naomi Watts was a hot item. They heard a horse falls off a boat and drowns at one point. Adam Brody also made a quick cameo as did Joan of Arcadia. This was a movie that had everything we could all ever want. The problem, it scared me away from rings. All kinds of rings. I cannot look at a circular object without being reminded of that creepy black and white upside down chair movie. I hate black and white movies! Even more, I hate upside down chairs. I’m afraid someone is going to stick a leg up my butt out of revenge. I owe money to some pretty powerful and perverted people.

Onions sometimes come in ring form. They are deep-fried and delicious. Onion rings are very underrated. I remember I would get pissed whenever my mom or dad would pick onion rings over French fries for me to eat. Look at me, some fat kid upset he doesn’t get the fattening food he was looking forward to. I deserved to choke on my chicken wings. Not always does the fried onion come in ring form. Chili’s has the onion straws which are shaped like Scarecrow epidermis. Scarecrow epidermis of course meaning hay straws.

(One time I got Burger King French fries and there was an onion ring at the bottom. My life went downhill ever since)

Another type of ring is the ovarian ring. I do not know much about this ring. Several health teachers in school tried teaching me about this. It’s basically used to prevent pregnancy. I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to prevent pregnancy. What are we, barbaric sinning pagans who have sex for pleasure instead of procreation? The only birth control I ever use is abstinence. The safest way to avoid having a baby, don’t have sex! Similar to the safest way to avoid a shark attack, stay out of the water!

(I remember this question being asked on Survivor about the sharks and only Johnny Fairplay got it right. Here’s the F, here’s the Y, I’m everything in between)

Speaking of rings and sex, there’s the purity ring. I hate the purity ring so much. I dated a girl who had one. I noticed her ring one time and asked what it meant. She would not tell me. Then I found out. Then we never spoke again. Purity rings are nice in theory. I just think it’s a little ridiculous that you have to wear a piece of jewelry to remind yourself what your values you are. It’s like my old hit list theory. If you have to write someone’s name down to remind yourself you want them dead, you don’t hate them enough to wish them dead. Some people go even crazier with these reminders. I know of a person who tattooed “Live” on her wrist to remind herself not to kill herself. Either that or she really liked the album Throwing Copper.

(Bald guy from the band Live whose album Throwing Copper caused many riots involving pennies being tossed at police officers)

I’m aware I have gotten older now that I look at a girl’s hands to see if she has a ring on it. I’m looking more for if she’s married more than if she’s saving herself for the wrong guy who will later divorce her. The big problem is I don’t know the difference between a purity ring, wedding ring, or NBA championship ring. I hate everything about finger rings. Have they done anyone anything good? Their only fun aspect is you can put it on then punch someone in the face and see your graduating class year imprinted on their forehead. The only time I have ever worn a ring was when I found it at the bottom of a cereal box. I could blow into it and hear a spinning sound.

(Didn’t Ace Ventura get punched with a Super Bowl ring? I really hope I remember the plot to AFI’s 12th greatest film involving Pet Detectives correctly)

Ring around the rosy is a popular game among children who cannot afford video games. Most of us know the dark history behind the game. It has something to do with Monkey Pox outbreak in the 1970s. I’m not exactly sure what. I do not pay attention to children games or Center for Disease Control history. The way this game is played is you hold hands and dance around in a circle singing about pocket pussies and someone named Ashley. I don’t know why I’m trying to write about this game. I feel like I got something wrong.

(Everyone in this picture is dead now or is so old they wish they were)

The more I think about rings the more evil they are. There’s ring worm. That’s something you get from being a dirty person who does not shower. Hula hoops are kind of like giant rings. I never liked the hula hoop. I never had the hips, coordination, or love for Alvin and the Chipmunks to enjoy this sham gift. It’s a fucking giant ball with a hole in it! That’s all a hula hoop is. It’s like they cut out the good part of the toy. There’s also that dangerous theme park game where you ride the carousel and grab a ring. How many kids reached too far, fell off, and had their skulls crushed in and bodies dragged along the dirt trying to get a free ride? A lot I’m sure. Nazis claim this is what happened to six million Jews during the 1940s.

(“Jews really want a free carousel ride. You know how they can be, always trying to save the money. What’s that? Concentration camp? My, that’s the most ridiculous thing ever!” – says the Nazi as he signals to his buddies to get the hell out of there)

I tried to write this with an unbiased opinion. Turns out I really do hate rings. Other than in fried onion form of course. Even the brass rings on binders have always scared me. Those fuckers are like bear traps. I hope I didn’t sway you either way much. But the topic of rings is like politics or religion. You shouldn’t be persuaded through a single blog post. It’s something you should learn about through life experience. I also hate wrestling rings. How do you fight someone in a circle? There’s no cornering someone. A real fight always needs some cornering.

“Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it! Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it!” – Beyonce “Spud” Knowles