Several years ago a movie came out called The Ring. People flocked to this film. Naomi Watts was a hot item. They heard a horse falls off a boat and drowns at one point. Adam Brody also made a quick cameo as did Joan of Arcadia. This was a movie that had everything we could all ever want. The problem, it scared me away from rings. All kinds of rings. I cannot look at a circular object without being reminded of that creepy black and white upside down chair movie. I hate black and white movies! Even more, I hate upside down chairs. I’m afraid someone is going to stick a leg up my butt out of revenge. I owe money to some pretty powerful and perverted people.

Onions sometimes come in ring form. They are deep-fried and delicious. Onion rings are very underrated. I remember I would get pissed whenever my mom or dad would pick onion rings over French fries for me to eat. Look at me, some fat kid upset he doesn’t get the fattening food he was looking forward to. I deserved to choke on my chicken wings. Not always does the fried onion come in ring form. Chili’s has the onion straws which are shaped like Scarecrow epidermis. Scarecrow epidermis of course meaning hay straws.

(One time I got Burger King French fries and there was an onion ring at the bottom. My life went downhill ever since)

Another type of ring is the ovarian ring. I do not know much about this ring. Several health teachers in school tried teaching me about this. It’s basically used to prevent pregnancy. I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to prevent pregnancy. What are we, barbaric sinning pagans who have sex for pleasure instead of procreation? The only birth control I ever use is abstinence. The safest way to avoid having a baby, don’t have sex! Similar to the safest way to avoid a shark attack, stay out of the water!

(I remember this question being asked on Survivor about the sharks and only Johnny Fairplay got it right. Here’s the F, here’s the Y, I’m everything in between)

Speaking of rings and sex, there’s the purity ring. I hate the purity ring so much. I dated a girl who had one. I noticed her ring one time and asked what it meant. She would not tell me. Then I found out. Then we never spoke again. Purity rings are nice in theory. I just think it’s a little ridiculous that you have to wear a piece of jewelry to remind yourself what your values you are. It’s like my old hit list theory. If you have to write someone’s name down to remind yourself you want them dead, you don’t hate them enough to wish them dead. Some people go even crazier with these reminders. I know of a person who tattooed “Live” on her wrist to remind herself not to kill herself. Either that or she really liked the album Throwing Copper.

(Bald guy from the band Live whose album Throwing Copper caused many riots involving pennies being tossed at police officers)

I’m aware I have gotten older now that I look at a girl’s hands to see if she has a ring on it. I’m looking more for if she’s married more than if she’s saving herself for the wrong guy who will later divorce her. The big problem is I don’t know the difference between a purity ring, wedding ring, or NBA championship ring. I hate everything about finger rings. Have they done anyone anything good? Their only fun aspect is you can put it on then punch someone in the face and see your graduating class year imprinted on their forehead. The only time I have ever worn a ring was when I found it at the bottom of a cereal box. I could blow into it and hear a spinning sound.

(Didn’t Ace Ventura get punched with a Super Bowl ring? I really hope I remember the plot to AFI’s 12th greatest film involving Pet Detectives correctly)

Ring around the rosy is a popular game among children who cannot afford video games. Most of us know the dark history behind the game. It has something to do with Monkey Pox outbreak in the 1970s. I’m not exactly sure what. I do not pay attention to children games or Center for Disease Control history. The way this game is played is you hold hands and dance around in a circle singing about pocket pussies and someone named Ashley. I don’t know why I’m trying to write about this game. I feel like I got something wrong.

(Everyone in this picture is dead now or is so old they wish they were)

The more I think about rings the more evil they are. There’s ring worm. That’s something you get from being a dirty person who does not shower. Hula hoops are kind of like giant rings. I never liked the hula hoop. I never had the hips, coordination, or love for Alvin and the Chipmunks to enjoy this sham gift. It’s a fucking giant ball with a hole in it! That’s all a hula hoop is. It’s like they cut out the good part of the toy. There’s also that dangerous theme park game where you ride the carousel and grab a ring. How many kids reached too far, fell off, and had their skulls crushed in and bodies dragged along the dirt trying to get a free ride? A lot I’m sure. Nazis claim this is what happened to six million Jews during the 1940s.

(“Jews really want a free carousel ride. You know how they can be, always trying to save the money. What’s that? Concentration camp? My, that’s the most ridiculous thing ever!” – says the Nazi as he signals to his buddies to get the hell out of there)

I tried to write this with an unbiased opinion. Turns out I really do hate rings. Other than in fried onion form of course. Even the brass rings on binders have always scared me. Those fuckers are like bear traps. I hope I didn’t sway you either way much. But the topic of rings is like politics or religion. You shouldn’t be persuaded through a single blog post. It’s something you should learn about through life experience. I also hate wrestling rings. How do you fight someone in a circle? There’s no cornering someone. A real fight always needs some cornering.

“Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it! Mumble Mumble Mumble Mumble ring on it!” – Beyonce “Spud” Knowles

Comments
  1. Addie says:

    Although I agree with you about purity rings and hula hoops (I never mastered the art of the HH), I do appreciate the rings of Saturn and, of course, the Fellowship of the Ring (mostly Viggo Mortensen).

    • Mooselicker says:

      I forgot about the rings on Saturn. D’oh! I pay more attention to the rust rings on 1997 Saturn motor vehicles than I do the ones in space. My life is too simple.

      I only ever saw the first Lord of the Rings film. I didn’t mind it. I’ve liked Elijah Wood since Radio Flyer came out. I had the same exact wagon!

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    LOL The moves “The ring” and “Lord of the Rings” plus the birth control ring to be added to you list. I love your blog. I would love it if you take the time to poke around mine. I have all sorts of posts on there. Check out http://www.ladyornot.com

  3. Your train of thought is a beautiful thing :’)

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you 🙂

      Is your smiley you made crying? My train of thought can’t be so beautiful it brings someone to tears.

      • I truly welled up at the beauty of your thoughts leading on from one to the next. 😉 I thought it was going to be a simple post about the film but no I suddenly found myself reading about pregnancy preventors and onion rings. I even scrolled to the top to check I hadnt mistakenly clicked on the wrong post hahaha 😀

      • Mooselicker says:

        I promised you rings and as much about them as I know. Google search “Mooselicker Pants” and “Mooselicker Kicks” if ya ever want to see practically the same thing except with different word explorations.

      • Hahaha that you did, that you did! Omg theres a whole thingamajig?! ON IT! 😀

  4. a gripping life says:

    I’ve never seen Lord of the Rings or read any of those books. I can’t get past the hobbits and cartoony feel of it. I haven’t thought about notebook binders with the bear trap rings in a long time. You’re so right, those things were scary and vicious.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Listen to 4 Led Zeppelin songs and you pretty much get the jist of LOTR I hear.

      Binders were enforced in school. We had to have a different one for every subject. One year I was a boy who used folders. That was a friendless year.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    Onion rings are all well and good, until you go to Spain and there’s a buffet, and you pick up what you think are onion rings until you bite into it and a ring of squid lives inside. GAG. It was like someone had infected my onion ring with a rubber band.

  6. Very thorough analysis of rings. There is also a ring of light that can appear around the moon if it’s supposed to rain the next day, according to pirates and old-timey sailors. What’s your opinion of this phenomenon?

  7. I would love to see your brain work, Mooselicker. At least, I think I would.

  8. I started to fear rings after having seen Lord of the Rings. I mean, you just find a nice ring and decide to wear it, but beofre you know, you turn into Gollum. Eeeks.

  9. You said the world was going to end! I bought an inflatable coffin as a precautionwhat do i do with it now?

  10. That movie scared the shit out of me. And I don’t like onion rings. Sacrilege, I know.

    I used to love wearing rings until I heard the story about a woman’s finger getting cut off during a robbery because her engagement ring was stuck. So I just wear a simple band, nothing worth cutting off my finger.

  11. Luddy's Lens says:

    Key rings are excellent, as they are the building blocks of working-class street weaponry. A good old-fashioned round key ring (none of this oblong or cutesy-shaped stuff) heavily loaded with things like keys can do miracles of damage in an efficient span of time. Trust me on this.

  12. Now you are back. That whole trying to teach us how to prepare for the end of the world thing was interesting, but you must know that those of us who follow you are not the type of people who can be taught anything. Rings was a nice, safe topic for you to vent your anger upon. But what about circus rings, and the rings of Saturn? Or earrings, nipple rings, and the noise old phones made?

  13. Lily says:

    I’m super into rings that go on my fingers. But other kinds of rings kind of scare me too. Except onion rings. Okay maybe I like rings. But not ringworm. I didn’t realize that Adrian Brody was in the Ring! I guess I’ll have to re-watch it when I don’t feel like sleeping for days.
    Hahah about Throwing Copper. Some solid tunes on that album.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Not Adrien Brody! Adam Brody! The OC dweeb. Sandy Cohen’s kid!

      Throwing Copper is a great album name. Isn’t the bald guy a mean man in real life? All I ever hear about him is negative.

      • Lily says:

        Sorry Adam Brody! That’s what I meant as I was typing it. I knew something was wrong. Am I old?
        Hahah I like how you just asked if he was a mean man. I honestly know nothing about him, but now I will always think of him as a mean man.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Most musicians are mean men. I’m also very jealous they can get girls just by moving their fingers against a few strings. I need open up and listen to their problems. YUCK

  14. renxkyoko says:

    Ring-o, the original . It’s scarier than the US version. But Ring of Fire is a heck of a lot scarier. It’s real and can kill hundreds of thousands of people.
    Honey, give me a ring, not the phone, the one from Tiffany’s, or any ring , as long as you put it in my ring finger and walk me down the aisle, and have someone ring the bell.

  15. Whatever seriously stimulated u to write “Rings Mooselicker”?
    I actuallyreally appreciated the blog post! Thanks for the post ,Zachary

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