The following post is not from the present day. It is from the future. I was minding my own business in a public bathroom, placing super glue on the toilet seats, when a man in his 40s approached me. The first thing I noticed about this guy was he was incredibly handsome. Like if I was a gay man we would have been in the proper room to take this thing further handsome he was. The second thing I noticed was he had on the same clothes I had. Really strange. Most of all I noticed how he looked kind of like me. I engaged the man in conversation and indeed I found out he was me from the future. I could not resist, I had to ask him to write-up a guest post for my blog. He groaned and said “That stupid blog? Jesus past tense me! Don’t you realize your blog ends up killing 24 million people by the middle of 2013? I will not be a part of this again!” I knew future me could be easily bribed with a peck on a cheek. So I had to kiss a man to get this post done. I hope it turned out well.
(My blog one day ushers in the return of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. They’re not really as threatening as they seem. They’re pretty irrelevant after many bad movies in the 1990s. *not pictured, Famine as played by John Candy ironically)
By Me from the Future
Good evening ladies, gentleman, and mole people (here in the future mole people have become a third gender, they’re all bisexual) I hope all is well. You probably have many questions about the future. First starters, yes, the 2012 presidential election ends in a landslide after a ballot misprint and I am elected to office. Pretty sweet. I do such a great job too I win the election again 16 years later. The first thing I do when I get into office is make presidential elections happen every 16 years. People tried to fight it, but I offered others money to kill those rioters. Who said becoming president under a bad economy was a bad thing?
First Lady Malin Akerman has become the biggest movie star of all time. She is currently busy remaking every movie to ever come out. Even Couples Retreat which she starred in is being remade. This time the jokes are funny. I also have sex with many other females and she doesn’t seem to mind. She’s a good wife like that who always cooks and cleans for me. I offered to pay a butler to do it. Malin insisted I save the money and buy myself something nice. I bought myself a dinner. I forgot to ask Malin what she wanted. She said “Oh you!” and then we made a baby.
(In the future everyone sits on chairs backwards because it looks really cool. Although, I have to agree this shot would be much nicer if she used this chair properly)
Along with being president I am also a successful and much sought after writer. I have a television show on every channel. I still let other people put out their own crap. I’m not here to try to control people’s minds. The government already proved in 2016 mind control was only possible on housewives who think Katherine Heigl is clever. I also have the home run record, host my own talk show, and was the first man to walk on Mars. The first woman to walk on Mars was Kim Kardashian’s mom. I left her there and she said she was just glad to be back home.
Outside of myself the world has changed a lot. Russia is now called European Chinese Peopleville. The name for the male genitalia is “Pepsi Presents The Penis.” The female genitalia is still called the vagina. All have advertisements on them though. Malin’s has an advertisement for Groupon. People look grayer than they used to due to all the interracial breeding. All of the Mohicans have been wiped out because of this. The last one was a guy named Todd. He delivered my mail until he died of old age at 34. Yeah, the only bad thing about the future is you die pretty young. Scientists are blaming iPhones, iPads, and other apple devices. Turns out Steve Jobs was evil.
(“I hate people this much.” – Steve Jobs, everyday of his life)
Gay marriage became legal. As soon as it did aliens invaded and a 10 year-long war broke out. The two were very much related. Marijuana also became legal. That is why the war to kill the three invading aliens took a whole decade. Everyone was too stoned to do anything about it. Dogs no longer exist. They have evolved into fraternity boys. The difference is very minimal.
Common foods in the American diet are hamburgers, hot dogs, and Soylent Green. The rest of the world doesn’t really eat much. They are either very poor or are watching their figures for summer. It’s also always summer as earth has rotated off its course and is headed straight for the sun. This is actually why I came back to the past. I knew if I warned everyone maybe things could be different. The earth was spun off its axis the day Magic Mike came out on DVD. People all over the world jumped for joy and landed on the ground at the same time. It’s understandable because Channing Tatum’s rectangular chin has become a symbol of mistrust and evil. I forget where I was going with this. By 2023 everyone has Alzheimer’s. Thank goodness for my blog. It’s about the only history humanity has left.
(The future site of the Mooselicker Memorial Museum. It must be the weekend. That’s why there aren’t millions of people shoving each other to get inside)
Thank you future self for writing this up. As you warned me, I will try touching myself less and shower with cooler water. You also owe me that $3000 down payment I gave you on the car we end up picking Malin Akerman up in. I really hope this wasn’t a scam.