I’m not everything I want to be. I tried joining the marines last week. I heard they help you be all you can be. They stripped me down naked then told me to stay away, I was not military material. I think about all the potential I could have been in life if things were different. Here are some answers to those ifs. What I would do and such in these situations.

1. If I was tall I would look overtop the bathroom stalls to see if they were occupied. I would smile at whoever was taking a shit or too shy to use the urinal.

2. If I was short I would run underneath people’s legs like I was being chased. They would look back to see who was chasing me. While they are looking back I will push them over for being so much taller than I am.

3. If I was extremely wealthy I would contact the media and tell them I will be tossing money down from a tall building. People will show up and I will drop pianos instead. This will teach them that money does not buy happiness.

4. If I was in really good shape I would be really mean to everyone I met. When they tell me to stop I will ask them to feel my biceps.

5. If I found out I was the second coming of Jesus I would sell my poop on ebay and my farts to cults.

6. If I was black I would always say “Where the white women at?” whenever I enter a room. I actually do this already. People might not tell me to leave though if I was black.

7. If I was allergy free I would sniff flowers more often. Since I am not allergy free I will continue to stomp on every daisy I see whether in a garden or a flower boutique.

8. If I was a professional athlete I would sign a huge contract then say my hamstrings always hurt. Being a professional athlete takes too much work.

9. If I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight I would eat nothing but pizza and donuts. I would still count calories though. Mostly to brag to others how much I can eat without gaining weight. I might also eat Oreos too.

10. If I was gay I would tell women I wasn’t gay, have sex with them, and then tell them I am gay now. They will forever feel like they turned me gay. I would laugh about this with my gay friends then complain how we don’t have equal rights non-stop.

11. If my name was Lance I probably would be gay. I would do everything my being gay plan would entail, but this time my name would be Lance.

12. If I was living in Hawaii I would get a janitorial job. Sure, I have to clean up vomit and poop. It’s Hawaiian vomit and poop. Something about it sparkles.

13. If I had musical talent I would start a band. All of my friends would tell me how great I am even though none ever go to my shows.

14. If I won a Nobel Peace Prize I would kill a lot of people the day after. Not everyone though. Enough people need to remain alive to appreciate the irony.

15. If I lost my arm in a surfing accident I would challenge the Soul Surfer chick to a fight. I would be sure to save my missing arm and use it like a club. Her arm was made into shark poop. I wonder if she thinks about that. A shark pooped out her arm.

16. If I had my own talk show I would let everyone I know be guests. You will all have to show up for the first episode. I don’t see it lasting much longer than that with this plan.

17. If I had a really big nose I would ask everyone if they thought my nose was big. When they said “No” I would violently call them liars then push them over.

18. If I could ride any animal it would be a dinosaur. It doesn’t matter what type.

19. If I was incredibly fat I would never leave the house. After a while I will realize this is no way to live. I will then get a job as a house.

20. If I was homeless I would be an angry homeless person who tells offensive jokes. The police will lock me up in jail. At least then I wouldn’t be homeless anymore.

21. If I was more courageous I would join a yoga class and hit on the instructor. My pick-up line would be “Hey, I bet I can stretch you out somewhere else.”

22. If I’m not turned down by the yoga instructor then things will be really good. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who does yoga let alone someone who makes up the moves on the fly like instructors do.

23. If I found out the meaning of life and I would die if I told anyone I would die anyway because I hate not being able to gossip.

24. If I could have any super power it would be to have the ability to reach into a magazine and pull out whatever is in the magazine. I will also have a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits against me.

25. If I ever get to be a father someday I want to be there for my children if they become successful and rich. Otherwise I’m going to blame the woman for giving too much of her DNA into the mix.

What are some of your ifs?

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    1. If I was a successful writer, I would flaunt it in front of everyone I knew and every time they came at me with an insult I would say, “Oh yeah? And how many best seller have you written again?

    2. If there was one sport I could be good at, it would be MMA, there’s just something about making another man the exact same size as you, tap out like a little girl.

    3. If I was a porn star, my name would be the same as my normal name; “‘Ard Pete”.

    4. If Josh Holloway asked me to give him a five knuckle shuffle behind the bins, I totally would.

    5. If I could have any super power, I would have the ability to freeze time, then I would just undress random people and make them look fools in public places.

    6. If I could kill anyone knowing I’d fully get away with it, I’d kill everyone bar people I like then the world would be a happier place.

    7. If I was to become a millionaire, I would move to Hawaii the next day, buy new friends, buy new women and buy a lot of alcohol and cigarettes.

    8. If someone dared me to have anal for a million, I’d say, “I’d do anal for a thousand, I’d enjoy it for a million.”

    9. If Juan has 40 chocolate bars and he eats 35 of them what does he have? Diabetes, Juan has diabetes.

    10. If you didn’t laugh at the above joke, take it from the people that did laugh, it was fucking funny.

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    ….sparkles huh? Am I starting a trend? 😉

    Okay but I thought you were gay. I refer to your genius post a few days ago.

    I am short, aka fun sized, and I can get to the front row of large outdoor concerts. I don’t push people but I do pinch their butts.

    If I had key to your house I would slowly move things when you were sleeping so you would think you were going crazy.

    If I had a big butt I would always wear a speaker playing Baby Got Back.

    If I were not married I would be a slut.

  3. Edward Hotspur says:

    If I was a rich man, dabadee badee badabadaba deebadeeba dum. If I had any superpower, it wou.d be the ability to give other people superpowers (including. Myself) and take them away at will. If I had any kind of house, it would be a palacecastlemansionlighthouse.

  4. A gripping life says:

    If I got a tattoo, I’d get a tattoo of my face on my face, but just slightly off center.

  5. I need to frame this list. It’s the best thing I’ve ever read. I know someone who was the last boyfriend for THREE gals before they decided they were gay. I find this fascinating.

    And I went to prenatal yoga today at the Y and an athletic dude asked if he could join the class with us. I secretly thought it was the best thing ever (because prenatal yoga is WAY easy…or gentle…or slow, something like that) and I thanked him for doing the class with us and not being weirded out by a bunch of bellies. Maybe that’s your in to hitting on the yoga instructor! Showing that you’re man enough to take a prenatal yoga class! Then offend her by talking about stretching her things. It’s perfect.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wouldn’t my stretching out line make her think of her belly though? You pregnant women are all the same, always “baby this” and “baby that.” What about my needs?

      My godfather is gay and I actually know the only woman he ever kissed quite well. Is your friend named Gene and a crackhead? If yes, that’s my God-daddy!

      • The instructor isn’t preggo, just the attendees are. So you could TOTALLY offend her. And I do talk non-stop about babies. It’s very true. My friend is not named Gene and is not a crackhead, but his 1st gay ex-girlfriend just got married (it’s the one I missed recently) and he just found out his wife is pregnant! Now I’m talking about babies again.

  6. Addie says:

    If I didn’t keep my word, I’d not post a review of your book, but, I do, so, I did.


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