Everybody Loves

A few years ago there was a popular sitcom on television called “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I never loved Raymond. In fact, I wish him dead. I guess the title was supposed to be sarcastic. His wife was a bitch as most television women are because most television writers are gay men, his parents were intrusive because most television writers are loners who come from broken homes, and his brother was a big idiot because most television writers are short and want to make tall people look like idiots. There are some things in life everybody does love. Well, maybe not love. These are generic things nobody dislikes. If you say you hate anything I mention then you’re probably bitter and should think about writing a TV show.

Music: Queen

Everybody likes Queen. You’ll never meet a person who absolutely loves Queen, but everybody can find one song to enjoy. Even the Chick-Fil-A guy admitted in a recent interview that he tries to let his farts out to the beat of “We Will Rock You.” It’s a very steady beat. One only Woody Harrelson cannot get correct. Personally my favorite Queen song is Princes of the Universe as it reminds me of the TV show Highlander. I never liked the show much, it’s the premise I am in love with. You chop off someone’s head, you get their powers. Why is this not the most popular video game of all time? Oh and here’s Woody Harrelson proving that marijuana does not make you better at keeping a beat.

Food: Pizza

Everybody likes pizza. Someone told me recently how much they hate pizza. She’s dead now. I killed her. The cops asked me straight up what happened. I explained the situation then we went out for some slices. What’s great about pizza is it has everything you will need in a meal. Cheese, sauce, bread, and meat normally make a pizza. There are so many varieties if you cannot find something to love about pizza then I probably cannot find something to love about you.

(I can’t tell if that’s pizza dust on the counter or this is a Courtney Love Cocaine Pizza)

Sport: Women’s Gymnastics

Everybody likes women’s gymnastics. For different reasons too. Women like it for the grace, the competition, and how it empowers women. Men like it for reasons which would get me arrested. Women’s gymnastics is a sport nobody really cares about or takes seriously. You can watch it without much devotion. A female gymnast is washed up as soon as she’s old enough to vote. Kind of sad really. All those tiny Russian girls are 20 years old and their lives are practically over. I hear America is nice. You can work as a dancer, a waitress, and a Ross just opened up near me. This was a cheap plea to any Russian gymnasts who happen to read this that I am willing to marry you in exchange for a green card. The offer expires when you get up to 115 pounds.

(In about a month Aliya Mustafina will be 18 and I can say dirty things about her Communist ways. I actually got this photo from typing in “evil gymnast” into Google)

Religion: Buddhism

Everybody likes Buddhism. I know, someone is probably reading this in their church cloak with a human skull in their hand thinking I’m insane. Hear me out. What bad thing has a Buddhist ever done to anyone but themselves? In protest they light themselves on fire. I like this much better than other religions. Christians invade, Muslims infiltrate, Scientologists creep out, and Judaists whine. Buddhism to me is the Rodney Dangerfield religion. It’s about how life is all about suffering. Well yeah, but does that mean I should spend my life accepting how much suffering goes on in the world? Still, Buddhism is the most generic religion. Except for the Richard Gere gerbil fiasco, they’ve been pretty good.

(If Paris Hilton can support Buddhism I so can…nevermind. I can’t bring myself to support anything she does. “That’s hot.” – Paris Hilton upon seeing a burning priest)

Book: The Snowman

Everybody likes The Snowman book. You may not have heard of this book before, it was a favorite of mine as a kid. There are no words. Only pictures! It’s easy on the eyes. They even made it into a movie with really pretty music. Then the snowman melted at the end which was tragically sad. Who invented snowmen? Their life expectancy is entirely too short. I guess dancing with a snowman who dies later in the afternoon prepares you for how everyone you will ever meet dies one day. Snowmen are too grim.

(Spoiler Alert! The Snowman dies at the end after a lobotomy following an attack on Nurse Ratchet)

Comedian: Brian Regan

Everybody likes Brian Regan. He’s clean, he’s funny, and he’s a nice guy in person from what I hear. The only thing not to like about him is how in high school everybody would quote him. We get it, he likes Fig Newtons and so do you. There is nobody I hate more than people who quote nonstop. Do you have no original ideas? Wait, you probably don’t. You’re a 16 year old New Jersey native. You only joined the football team because it’s what everybody does. I think even Brian Regan would tell you to fuck off.

(Even raccoons like Fig Newtons and they’re very picky eaters)

Sexual Position: Any

Take what you can get. If you’re reading a blog you’re probably not very good looking anyway.

(My personal favorite sexual position)

Fun Activity: Zoo Trip

Everybody likes the zoo. Please, if you dislike zoos shoot your face. I get the kids running around can be annoying. You’re not going to the right zoos at the right times. As an avid animal lover yet for some reason a carnivorous meat eater (I’m complicated) I never can turn down the opportunity to go to a zoo. I think my dream job if I ever give up on trying to do anything interesting with my life would be to clean up animal shit in a zoo. I could develop a relationship with the animals. There’s always at least one hot chick working at the zoo. I could threaten to hit her with the shovel I pick up the lion poop with if she doesn’t flash me.

(“What does your dad do for a living?” “He cleans the shit out between hippo teeth.” I so want this job)

What is something generic you feel everybody enjoys? Change that. Not something you feel, something you know. We’re not nancies who talk about our feelings. We’re manly men who are always sure of ourselves. Tell me something you know everybody enjoys. You better not be wrong.