This is not a post about how much I hate to leave my apartment. If you’ve been to my apartment you’ll understand why I hate to leave it. My walls are completely barren and white, except for the one black stain from when I was wearing a black shirt, sweating, and leaned against it. My apartment always smells like whatever I had eaten for breakfast. Today it smells like warm milk. The greatest thing about my apartment is there’s always something to do. There are so many dog hairs everywhere sometimes I lie on the ground and count them. None of what I will write about today has anything to do with that. I would rather focus on something even grander. The places we have potential to go in our lives.
My idea on this theory came during the middle of the night. I also had a dream about a movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt played a character named “Ugly Nick.” I’m not sure what my subconscious was saying there. Rarely do I ever think of JG-L. I could have sworn he was on Roseanne and he wasn’t. The idea I had was that each of us has three paths we can go down. There’s the path going downhill, the path going uphill, and the path leading to a dead-end.
(I always thought the fat guy on the right was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel like an idiot now)
The path going downhill is very obvious. These are the people we look at knowing they’re in a downward spiral. They’re drug addicts, alcoholics, people who watch PBS, sexual deviants, anyone who puts on 30 pounds a year, and so forth. Basically they’re anyone you see headed into a worse direction than you might be used. This is where we hope all the popular people from high school end up. If you were popular in high school and are reading thing then I really don’t understand how you got here. You’re in the wrong place. I think we all know someone from high school who still relives their glory days. My mom’s boyfriend used to tell me about how he was a world champion wrestler in high school. By world he meant Middlesex County. He was reliving his past triumphs from the early 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago he was traveling through time, the third Austin Powers movie took place around the same time he was wearing a leotard and getting ringworm from a wrestling mat. Sorry I don’t have any other idea what else was going on in the early 1970s. Wasn’t there a war?
(Nevermind no war took place. I was confusing it with a song by Martin Luther King Jr.)
The path going uphill is also a very obvious one. There are the people we look at knowing they’re going to go someplace in life. They’re hard-workers, loving, confident, not me, sexual deviants who happen to know the correct rich businessmen to approach, and probably not you. This is the path we all dream about going down. It’s the basic American dream underdog story. Rise up from the bottom to the top. I like to think I’m on this path. I do whatever I can to not be self-destructive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I ask old black people for advice often, I don’t burn my bridges, and I keep bad people out of my life. The problem is most people think we’re on this path. It’s a very thin one and the further along you go the thinner it gets. What we have to understand is not everyone can be successful. It would be great if we all grew up to be movie stars with large genitals, but our DNA is not Communist. Things are not even. So keep going to those Tuesday night acting classes and buy that penis pump you’ve been eyeing online. The path uphill cannot be accomplished alone.
(An official Dr. Seuss penis pump. It also plays music and makes your balls grow as big as the Grinch’s heart)
Finally there is the path leading to a dead-end. Oye vey this is a wide asshole path. Lots of people fall here. They’re not bad people by any stretch. They take care of themselves as much as they have to. In a way they’re defeatists, something else I have to write about later on. I would say 90% of people are on this path to a dead-end. Crazy isn’t it? People without hopes, dreams, motivation, or anywhere to go. Saddest thing about this is a lot of the time it’s not their fault. They’re content with where they stand in life. I know the combination of words “big dick fucking black pussy” might offend some people. The word content does the same to me. How are you content? You’re waking up every morning thinking everything is fine and dandy? Don’t get me wrong, a positive attitude is wonderful and I would love to have a stronger one. These dead enders are different. They fall into a trap where they believe this is what life was supposed to be. They use words like karma, destiny, and fate to justify how their lives didn’t turn out the way they wanted. It’s sad to me other people can think this way.
The scariest things that could ever happen to me are 1) I am kidnapped by cannibal rapists (it doesn’t matter what order they do it in) and 2) I end up with a job I get nothing out of and I have to wake up when it’s still dark outside to get there. Those are my two biggest fears in life. I really don’t want to be eaten then raped or raped then eaten and more importantly I don’t want to wake up when bats are still outside fellating each other. To me, this is a dead-end path. I will know my life is going nowhere if I have to dread waking up for work in the morning and once I do the moon still shines down. It has been decided. Whatever I can do to get on a path going uphill I will do. If I fail on my way up, at least I get to fall rather that putz around on a hypothetical dead-end street.