Picking Up Chicks

Posted: August 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Why do men leave the house? To pick up as many chicks as they can. We’re very simple creatures. I fancy myself an expert at picking up chicks. One time a Mermaid fell so deeply in love with me she began to crawl along the beach just to touch my face. She ended up drying up and dying only a few feet away. In a way I charmed a fish out of the fish bowl. I love that phrase. You’re so charming that an animal without many emotions will kill itself to be near you. I wish I could one day be so charming people kill themselves over it.

The problem with picking up chicks is a lot of guys do it so unnaturally. They come up with corny pickup lines like “Are you an astronaut? Because you look like Neil Armstrong” or “Did it hurt?” which elicits the response “Did what hurt?” and then the guy follows up with twisting her nipples and tells her he’s a psychic who saw it coming. Girls like guys who can see into the future. Nostradamus was a major pimp. What Nostradamus did correctly though was he got an actual job where he could be himself and the chicks would follow. That’s what today’s post is about. Jobs for guys to take in order to meet the girl they’ve been waiting for their entire lives/evenings.

(Seriously, tell me this guy couldn’t be a pimp. All he needs is a feather in his cap)

1) Bartender

This one is very obvious. Drunk girls will sleep with anyone. I saw a drunk girl the other night having sex with a tree. I guess the tree was tall, dark, and handsome. Some of the bark on its base looked like George Clooney’s face. I think at every point in his life every guy has thought about becoming a bartender. Women have to talk to you in order to forget what shitty adults they have become. Without you they cannot get their booze. The only thing stopping me from becoming a bartender is all the drinks I would have to memorize and I cannot smile at ugly people. Have you been to a bar lately? It’s an ugly person’s lair.

2) Animal Shelter

Chicks love animals. Would you believe some girls love animals so much they never eat them? I know, bonkers. Even if you have a penis and you don’t eat animals I consider you a chick. Tofu should be the name of an African dictator, not something we eat. I know if I ever get desperate enough where I would need to meet women I can always volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s perfect. Animals love me, girls will see how good I am with the animals, and then we do something filthy near a malnourished cat on its death-bed.

(Sorry little kitty, I’ll get you your medicine as soon as this chick finishes taking hers, if you know what I’m sayin’)

3) Musician

Anyone who knows how to play the guitar and doesn’t get laid 60 times a day is an idiot. Girls love any guy who can play the guitar. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t have to interact with him. She can sit there, nod, and smile pretending she enjoys his dark poetic pain. For me, someone without any musical talent, I tell girls I’m the lead singer in the band. They tell me to belt out some lyrics and I remind them I have to save my voice for the big show. They nod and smile because girls who obsess over musicians are idiots too.

4) Gay Rights Supporter

You’ll probably need a real job like doctor or guy who steps in front of traffic in order to pull this one off. Hanging out around gay people will surely help you meet some single ladies. Any girl who is obsessive with gay rights is either a lesbian herself or is trying to make up for the fact how much men find them repulsive. This gives you a great opportunity to sweep in and steal these feminists off their do-gooding feet. Not only will these girls think you’re tolerant to others, you’ll also have very little competition. A straight guy hanging out in a gay is a lock to go home with a girl or at least have a chubby one nag him all night about American equality.

5) Anything Famous

Become famous and girls will bend themselves into whatever position you demand them to get into. I understand it. I would love to bang someone famous. I could see Yahoo articles about them and think about how we shared those amazing 40 seconds pressed against the sink together until I let out my fart ruining the mood. Athletes, movie stars, and even high-profile murderers have women flocking to them at all hours of the day. I’m almost tempted to go on a killing spree just to see how many women propose to me. I can barely throw a spiral and my acting leaves much to be desired. If I ever want to become famous it will have to involve bloodshed. Or I could do something really good for a lot of people. Sounds hard.

(Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer. Ringo’s still alive isn’t he? Hmm I think I have an idea to get some chicks)

Let me know if you know of anything else. As for girls on picking up guys, sit outside for five minutes in a place with high foot traffic. If nobody even looks your way start searching for a child murderer to marry. It’s the best you may ever get.

In other words, these are not jobs appearing here.

  1. Your pick up lines are incredibly good.

  2. A gripping life says:

    I can’t even imagine how depressing it would be to go looking for chicks. It just sounds desperate, but to be fair I think women go out cruising for guys in just the same way.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s very desperate. It’s like bad guys in movies where they get jobs in a certain field only so they can get revenge many years later. The Naked Gun had a great line about this.

  3. Addie says:

    One of the joys of being my age is I don’t care anymore, and, thus, I’m content to be alone. I can’t imagine having to deal with either the lines given nor listened to, if I’m honest. Even in the day, I never understood them. I remember one time, a guy came over and straight out asked if I wanted to dance. My puzzled response? “Why?”

    Yeah, I dated a ton. Not.

    PS Thanks for the linkage!!

    • Mooselicker says:

      He may have been asking you for ecstacy. I know “party” is code for cocaine. If you see him again ask for me.

      No problem with the linkage! I was actually going to post this Saturday then I didn’t want to steal your job thunder.

  4. The worst pick up line ever used with me was when I said it was warm in there, and the guy said: “That’s because you’re hot.”
    And I was like “wtf? R U serious?”

  5. Another awesome post!

    Much like you, I have to beat the women away with a stick … then I wake up.

  6. The animal shelter will work – strap a mouth organ around your neck too a la Dylan – it never worked for me but it may work for you.

  7. Well, three out of five ain’t bad…

  8. The musician thing? I’m pretty sure that one is true, and also applies to foreigner. Smiling and nodding is really all that should be required. None of my vibrators expect me to socialize with them…

  9. Pilots. You forgot pilots. Chicks dig the flyboys. You don’t actually have to know how to fly, just learn some lingo, cultivate that “airline captain” voice, and you’ll get all the tail you can handle.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve seen every episode of Wings at least once. I should get a DVD copy and carry it around then casually place it down so girls can see. I’ll say I was that famous man from Nantuckett all those dirty limericks were about. 2 for 2 on this one.

  10. Pete Howorth says:

    I used the line, “Have you fallen from heaven?”
    “Because it looks like you’ve landed on your face.” But somehow she didn’t like that.

    Then just recently at Leeds some dirty bint from Newcastle said she was going to piss behind my tent, I said if she did that then I’d piss on her, to which she replied, “Are yous chattin’ us up?”


    Then I stole a kiss at my cousins wedding, my cousins best friend kept telling my other cousin that she was happily married because he wouldn’t leave her alone, but I charmed her tongue into my mouth. Women are such tarts.

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