Losers rely on wishes to get them through the day. I never make wishes. When I see a star in the sky I do not make a wish. I try shooting the star with my gun. I’m an American. It’s what we do. When I blow out the candles on my birthday cake I do not make a wish. In fact I never blow out the candles on my birthday cake. Each year I kidnap a Jehovah Witness and forcefully make them do it. If I’m feeling really cruel we get a blood transfusion afterwards. Wishes are not for me. However, today is your chance to make one.

Wishes are popular among the Middle Eastern people. They have these blue ghosts called Genies. Personally, I prefer the Djinn over the Genie. Djinns are evil Genies. The film Wishmaster is all about them. This used to be my favorite movie. At one point a man wishes for a million dollars. As soon as he does, his mom signs over an insurance form in her son’s name then hops on a plane. The fucking plane blows up right after! Another woman wishes to be beautiful forever. She is turned into a manikin. The best wish came in Wishmaster 2: Wes Craven Needs More Money. A prisoner wishes for his lawyer to go fuck himself. Guess what literally happens?

I used to not be so cynical about wishes. I used to go to the mall and toss pennies into the fountain. I made so many wishes my family had to sell their bodies on the streets and to science. Sometimes we were selling our bodies to both. Have you ever spent a night as a prostitute with test makeup on your face? I have. To me wishes have become the Atheist’s Prayer. I never get an Atheist who makes a wish. You’re denying the existence of a God yet you think there are Wish Fairies out there? I think I should start a religion based around Wish Fairies. They’ll be like angels only louder and more obnoxious.

To follow through with my goal to become a more loving person (I know right, seems like I’m pretty far off here doesn’t it?) I have decided to grant each person reading this one wish. Something simple, free, and easy I can do to make your life, my life, or the world a better place. I’m serious about this. Anything you desire I will do as long as it follows the guidelines below:

-Your wish must not cost me or anyone else money. I’m not an official Genie. This means I’m not Union Certified. I have to pay outrageous taxes on anything costing money.

-Your wish must deliver kindness into the world. Even if your wish harms someone else, as long as it brings some good to an equal or greater number of people I will do it. Hey, some people have to be collateral damage here. I’m new to this granting wishes thing.

-Your wish must not involve a drastic change in my life or anyone else’s, at least not immediately. For instance don’t wish me to adopt a child. I’m bad enough at finishing milk before it expires. A child will end up microwaved under my care. Let’s start with something simple.

-Your wish must be within reason. I have very little reason. I can’t really explain this one further.

-Your wish must come from your heart. If you do not have a heart you can wish for a heart. I would not suggest this. The Scarecrow wished for a heart and he was accidentally shot by a farmer a week later who thought he was a trespasser.

So make your wish! You only get one. I also have right to refuse your wish. I swear I will do whatever your wish ends up being, even if there is no proof. Maybe I can even blog about the mishaps that ensue when I fail to make the world a better place. I’m hoping at least one of you wishes me to put an object of mine inside an object belonging to someone else to give us both a great amount of pleasure. I think you know what I mean.

  1. Addie says:

    Goodness. What do I wish? I have to think on this one and get back to you, okay?

  2. I know this is both cruel and unusual, but here is my wish;
    I wish you would do an entire post… (no cheating, it has to be close to 1,000 words)… where you say only nice things… about whatever you want… with no sarcasm, slurs, insults, racism, extreme points of view, cutting remarks, slanders, cruelty, or mean-spiritedness.
    I have no idea why anyone would want to read such a post, but that is my wish. Now hop to it.
    Remember, all sweetness and light… you asked for it.

  3. a gripping life says:

    I’m stuck on the Atheists making wishes…? You’re so right about that. What the heck? They don’t believe in God but they believe in magic and fairies? Good one, Tim!
    I wish that all Atheists will have a near death experience in which they cross over and meet with God. I wish for God to ‘give em’ what for,’ and send them back to earth with the memory totally in tact. What? Too complicated? Alright, let me think some more…

    • Mooselicker says:

      Way to reach for the stars on this wish. I could try learning how to flatline people then bring them back. Might be expensive as I will probably need to learn science.

  4. The Hobbler says:

    I wish you would join my pity party this weekend. It will be so much fun Moose, and you could do it any time this weekend. Here’s the info: http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-1BA

  5. The Waiting says:

    I’m trying hard to think of a wish that meets all your criteria. It’s more challenging then I thought it would be.

    OK I have a wish. I wish you would be on twitter (or if you already are, that you’d let me know what your handle is) because I think you would have some hilarious tweets.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Poof! It is done.

      Maybe you can teach me how to use Twitter. I gave up on it after 2 days when I realized nobody was reading a thing I wrote. Will update once this wish is granted.

  6. I can personally vouche for the fact that no one in the Middle East relies on genies anymore ever since the 40`s when they discovered they had shit loads of oil. Who needs talking blue ghosts when you have more money than God.

    What I can say though is that I`m one of the losers who makes wishes all the time. It doesnt matter, shooting stars, birthday cakes, black cats, church candles, tears of unicorns…

    My longest standing wish has been to get my immigration papers. It wouldn`t cost you anything since there`s really nothing you can do. And it would bring immeasurable kindness to the world as I think the thought of having a permanent place to call home would make me a nicer and less sarcastic person.

    And it would give you a great amount of pleasure too because trust me…I`m not going to be able to blog about half the crap I blog about if I`m in Kuwait awaiting my trial.

    • Mooselicker says:

      How about I don’t call INS on you? Can this be your wish?

      I never knew you were an “illegal.” Use this on guys. I know it makes my boy parts squirm knowing the danger that awaits.

  7. rebecca2000 says:

    Okay, my wish is that you collect 25 blankets in the next month and hand them out to the homeless on the first cold snap of the year. I have done this in the past and it has been very fulfilling.


  8. You’re like my own personal Jambi! He only gives one wish a day though. I LOVE wishes. I make wishes on eyelashes and 11:11 on the clock and shooting stars. The recent meteor shower was a boon of wishes for me. But my wishes are all the same. Happiness.

  9. So I guess this means I can’t wish for a lot more wishes, huh? Because that would really help me out.

  10. lostnchina says:

    Can’t think of anything at the moment, but would involve the Republicans and streaking….

  11. Cafe says:

    My wish is that you will write a post where you tell your readers about a personal experience that you think will help others. No jokes, no fiction, just a straight-up story about yourself. That is my wish 😉

    • Mooselicker says:

      This is hard. I’ve been thinking all day what I could do. Hmmm this is going to be harder than you imagine.

      • Cafe says:

        Do you have any ideas brewing? *wiggles eyebrows*

      • Mooselicker says:

        None at all! Sarcastic comments are my defense against the world. I can’t even write about a funeral without pointing out awkward situations. I’ll think of something though, I hope.

      • Cafe says:

        LOL. I bet you could write an amazing post! And i feel you have a lot of wisdom to share with the world 😉

        But no pressure — only if you feel comfortable sharing obviously.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Oh no I’ve even thought I should write up a normal post then take out any snide comments afterwards to make it easier. This is a good test. It may just take a while before I can think of a personal experience to share.

      • Cafe says:

        Haha, yeah, that strategy could work.
        Alright, I’ll be waiting …. =P

  12. renxkyoko says:

    I wish for WORLD PEACE ! * wink *

  13. Addie says:

    Here is my wish–to be accepted for who I am, and not have people seeking out some hidden agenda thing. I put forth myself, so, there you go.

  14. Well you will find out if your animal lovin’ sctick to pull the ladeeez will work this weekend – wish you well…..

  15. renxkyoko says:

    Alright, I wish you’d vote Democrat, Moose. You can grant that, right? * looking at you with puppy eyes *

  16. Pete Howorth says:

    I wish my Derbyshire Thick End wasn’t so thick. The world would be a happier/healthier place without so many hip replacements.

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