Republican Woes

Posted: August 31, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’m going to talk about politics here again. I read a book about politics recently. Actually it wasn’t a book. It was a movie. And I didn’t watch the movie. I saw the cover. I’m not even quite positive the movie was about politics. There was a white guy in a suit looking very presidential with a “What has America gotten themselves into this time?” face. It doesn’t matter what the movie was or even what it was about. I don’t need to know a single thing about politics in order to vote. That’s what makes America wonderful. In dictatorships you need to know who is in charge and what part of your body they will slice off if you do not vote for him. Iraqis in the 1990s were more well-informed than anyone in my country ever will be.

(Would you believe people actually saw this movie poster, thought it looked good, paid money to see it, and still walked out of the theater happy? I don’t for a second)

I was driving to work recently when I saw a really hot jogger. She had strong thick legs, little shorts on, and a face I would like to scrape off with a knife it was so adorable. She got me thinking about what it is about me she would hate most. Would she hate that I’m no jogger? Would it be my frugalness? Or maybe we would not see eye-to-eye on religion? Politics is always something I disagree with women on. Mostly because my stance on abortion and gay marriage is so abnormal. I believe abortion should be illegal and the baby should then be married off to a gay man. It’s a nice compromise. The Republicans get no dead babies and the Democrats get happy gays. I tried writing a paper on this back in high school. The teacher quit and was arrested a week later for trying to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb he hated America so much.

During my political thinking I have determined a way for the Democrats to remain in office for almost ever. It’s not a guarantee or anything it would always work. Definitely after Obama though. It’s a bit scary though because it’s never good to have the same political people in power for too long. It’s nice for a switch between Republicans, Democrats, and Whigs. Whenever any idea of thinking is in charge for too long we end up in a funk where the angry people get angrier and the happy people get cockier. This is why I hate elections. People are always extremely pissed or extremely cocky like they had anything to do with the victory. Everyone turns to me and wants to know my opinion. I joke and say I wanted whichever candidate had the cuter butt to win. I’ve never seen it, but I have a feeling Obama has a nice one.

(I’m not saying this does, but it might belong to Obama)

Here is my plan to keep the Democrats in office forever. Not that I want it really. I like a good mix of bad guy/good guy in charge. My idea is to always have a charming black guy with a pearly white smile run as their candidate. Basically every 8 years all they need is a new Obama. This won’t last forever. Even the most open-minded white person will get sick of seeing a black face in charge. Let’s be honest, we would all vote for someone who looked like us. A presidential candidate with the same name as me could run with a crazy belief system and I would vote for him on the fact we have the same name. That’s what this country has come down to, we vote for whoever we would want to have a beer with. Who wants to have a beer with a Republican? We all know black people are so much more fun to party with.

I think a lot of people who voted for Obama did so because they wanted to be a part of history. It’s like whenever any sports record is broken. We don’t care if the guy is on steroids, beats his wife, or has killed a person. We want to be there to witness something every dead person never has. I’m not saying all Obama fans are ill-informed and only voted for him because it was trendy, the thing people with white guilt do, he was Democratic and Republicans are evil, and his name is funny. If you’re over 25 I believe maybe you actually know stuff about the guy. Under this age barrier, I’m pretty sure you get all your news from Comedy Central. If the lead-in to your main news source is South Park then I don’t consider you a very unbiased person.

Gun to my head, who would I vote for? I would vote for Obama. It’s simple really. I am in the income level a Democrat would be under. Now until I manage to make enough money I will remain a little more left wing than right. Once I make millions of dollars by golly I am going to want to keep it. Politics are simple. Democrats want money. Republicans want to keep their own money. When a Democrat accumulates enough cash he becomes a Republican. This is why old people are Republicans and young people are Democrats, money. Young people have no money because they spend whatever they can on condoms, concerts, and chimichangas. Old people can no longer reproduce, all their favorite musicians are dead, and eating beans will kill their colons. So until I own a mansion I will lean slightly to the left because this benefits my interests at the point I am at in my life right now.

(Eastwood used to be a Democrat. He got so distraught he almost killed himself. Then he became successful and didn’t think he should have to share his personal achievements with idiots who stood in his way. I don’t care how crazy you get Clint. With a simple thousand yard stare and a simple “Yeah” you said more than we ever could. Now go paint your wagon)

What do I believe will happen this November? Obama will win. He hasn’t done anything to make his supporters hate him. As long as the economy doesn’t get any worse the Democrats will stay in power. Once the economy does get worse the poor people will want a change. Then they’ll look at the tax breaks the Republican candidate is putting out and see things aren’t so bad the way they are. Politicians need to learn to manipulate the United States citizens. They need to lie to us and make promises they never keep. Don’t be a donkey or an elephant. Be a snake. If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office. They’ll be in power for so long that we will not even be given a choice for anyone else to vote for. Doesn’t this sound nice and simple?

  1. That bit about the shoe bomber was hilarious stuff.

    There is a clip of Clint Eastwood talking to an invisible Obama. It’s kind of cringe worthy.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you!

      I watched Eastwood doing that last night at a bar. Subtitles came on the screen and everyone was sure they were incorrect. Turns out he’s just senile. I feel bad for the insane man.

  2. Addie says:

    I never discuss who I’m going to vote for–that is between me and the voting booth (we exchange holiday cards). I did enjoy your blog today just as I enjoyed one about Romney being the man.

    • Mooselicker says:

      As with all my blog posts I write them weeks in advance then go through them as they come along. This seemed relevant today of all days.

      I never begrudge anyone for any belief they have. I figure we’re all wrong anyway.

  3. Smaktakula says:

    I share your progressive views about forcing unaborted children into gay relationships. If they don’t understand, we’ll make ’em understand!

  4. Love and Lunchmeat made you a member of her Zombie Apocalypse and not me but I am totally not jealous of that at all because clearly you are crazy and slightly deranged like she said and thus I like you already. Awesome compromise with the abortion / gay thing.

  5. Luddy's Lens says:

    “If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office.”

    Lissen, I know this is satire and all, but you’re not so far off, if Karl Rove has his way:

    (It’s kind of a long article, something to read over Sunday morning toast and coffee.)

    Y’know, your theory of Young&Struggling = Democrat / Old&Settled = Republican might also hit the mark: my mom was lifelong democrat, until she retired and voted for Reagan…

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s the stereotype I’ve always had in my head of Democrats and Republicans. I know Churchill has a quote about how you should be young and Democratic and an old Republican. I have no doubts in my mind I will one day be a huge Republican. The only hole in my theory is my best friend used to have a George Bush picture in his high school locker. Now he kinda likes Obama. Good thing he doesn’t vote because he’s terribly confused in the order he’s supposed to be going in.

  6. If this wasn’t so funny I’d be prompted to correct all of the misstatements! haha! Nice job and really good solutions, Tim.

    I’ll leave it to the experts. GO SEE 2016 Obama. It’s factual and scholarly – no Michael Moore propaganda type stuff. It’s from the guy who produced Schindler’s List.
    Also, please read last weeks “Newsweek” entitled, “Hit the Road Barrack.” VERY factual and unbiased.
    I know living in the New York Tri State area you don’t get any balanced news reporting. Just watch a week’s worth of Fox or CNN occasionally to compensate for what you’re not getting.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I heard in the guy who does all the previews for comedy’s voice “From the Producer of Schindler’s List…” and now I’m having a hard time saying anything serious.

      I used to like Michael Moore (I think all teenagers should think he’s brilliant because he’s all about the people who feel left out and that’s a very teenage feeling) then I slowly started to hate him. He’s too anti-police. He says the police are scum whenever they accidentally shoot a black man who was reaching for his wallet when he never bothers to think maybe they thought it was a gun because they said “don’t move” and he still moved. Cops get shot and killed everyday! It’s a tough job, not like fat buffoon, the job he files his occupation under on his taxes.

      I actually did used to watch Fox News. Red Eye is one of my all-time favorite shows, it’s basically John Stewart for Republicans. Plus I have a huge adoration for S.E. Cupp. She’s so bossy it’s sexy.

      If anything this comment proves further I base my politic stances on how attractive the person telling me what to do is. I stink.

      • Funny you say that, I had a theory that the best looking candidate always wins. I think this election will be tight but Romney will win — only because Obama sported those mom jeans at one point and turned a lot of people off. haha! And definitely see that movie. It’s not a bashing movie. He talks to Obama’s family, friends, etc. It’s actually very thoughtful and scholarly. By the end you can draw your own conclusion. I think you’ll like it.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I should say something smart-ass like “I only watch movies in High-Def and on Blu-Ray” which always annoys me when people are so picky.

        Do you think Obama is an Atheist? I’m so sure he is. He seems at his most phony when he says the word God.

      • Maybe. The word GOD seems like it gets stuck in his throat. He seems slightly angry about feeling pressured to conform to traditional Presidential style and standards. Remember he didn’t want to wear that flag pin? It was such an issue and finally he relented. See this movie cause it addresses his core identity and then you understand why he might be resisting. Let’s just say that he makes Bill Clinton look like a Republican.

  7. rebecca2000 says:

    LOL yes babies being forced to be married to the gays is the perfect solution. You’re always a great read.


  8. The Waiting says:

    I really think you might be onto something with the money thing. I’m a democrat because I’m po’ (we can’t even afford the “or”. I slay myself.) But also because I’m a woman and democrat politicians tend to hate women less than republican politicians do.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh most definitely. Let’s work really hard to make lots of money so we can become Republicans. Actually I’d rather be called a donkey than an elephant. I’ll think someone’s calling me fat. Back to the po’ house for me.

  9. Dear Mooselicker,

    I know you LOVE blog awards, which is why I gave you one. Before you freak out, and announce that you’re gay and don’t do blog awards… This one has a zombie on it, and comes with no requirements whatsoever. Just the gift of life, basically.

    Oh, and how did you know I have three?

  10. Sad to see Clint in decline “We own America” and they all whooped like jelly babies on barbiturates. Fuck me the world has gone mad.

    • Mooselicker says:

      He’s headed down a path where he’ll be buried in an unmarked grave next to Arch Stanton. Sad really. I think he’s got one last great movie in him.

      • I hope so – The Outlaw Josey Wales is one of my favourite films whilst Heartbreak Ridge is one of the best bad movies ever made. But that’s Clint – dross and genius in equal measure.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Why, thank you. You granted my wish. I don’t like people who believe poor people are lazy scumbags who only want welfare. Funny thing is, the religious right are with them. Who would Jesus vote for, that’s what I want to know.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Good question. Jesus probably wouldn’t want to live under a government. He’d think people should be kind and not kill for the sake of being a good person.

      Romney is the more religious man so he would probably vote for him? Or maybe Jesus wouldn’t care about people think about religion. He could always throw us a curveball and vote Communist. Ya know what, Jesus would throw his vote away and go Commie to make a statement.

      • renxkyoko says:

        nah, he wouldn’t vote communist…. it’s the same thing thing as dictatorship , they oppress people. or he might not vote at all. he’d do his thing, loving the poor and the downtrodden. Blessed are the poor for they will inherit the earth.

        Pardon me for being serious, but those duo really scare the heck out of me, especially that one who adores Ayn Rand.

  12. Awesomely offensive. The scrape her face off with a knife killed me. It would most likely kill her also. Now where is my wish post?

  13. You seem to have a somewhat pragmatic, no to mention realistic view of how the system is working at the moment. Here;s a bit of a riddle for you. Many people fear “they” meaning the other political camp, will take us into George Orwell’s1984. My own thought is both major parties have already taken us into Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad someone sees my political genius. I’ve never heard of Cat’s Cradle. I don’t think it has anything to do with the Cat Stevens song with a similar name though, does it?

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