The most famous living critic is Roger Ebert. I’m writing this blog post about 2 weeks in advance. I’m taking a risk on him still being alive by the time this posts. If I had to pick 3 celebrities to die by the end of the year, which I do because I was bullied into participating in a celebrity death pool with a $200 buy-in, one would be Roger Ebert. The other two would be Casey Kasem and Henry Dean Stanton. I don’t want any of these men to die. I would love the $1,000 prize, but their lives are more important than me having a good chunk of change to my name. You might think my ability to talk so insultingly about their lives is wrong. I would tell you you’re being a little too critical.

(Poor Roger Ebert. He went from being the fat old guy to looking like an old shocked lesbian. He has become a man who makes caricatures sketch come to human form)

A strange thing about the word critic is it comes from the word critical. When we think of critics we think of people who review anything from an unbiased stance. When we think of the word critical we think of someone nitpicking and telling us our shoulders slouch forward too much. Ergo, a critic is supposed to be a mean, nasty, critical person. Each time a critic has something nice to say they’re not really doing their job.

I have many critics in my life. I think we all do. Everyone we meet can be one. I had some guy tell me the shirt I was wearing the other day had too many boogers on the collar. This man was not trying to be helpful as so many people have told me since. He was being a critic on the way I live my life. I’m sorry sir. Do you sneeze upwards? I do not pick these boogers from my nose and gently place them onto my shirt collar. They are placed there through trajectory like a cannon ball shooting out from whatever it is cannon balls shoot out from. I don’t mind when people are critical about small things like my clothes, my hair, or where I buy my street drugs. There are far more important things in life where being critical does bother me.

(Where I buy and sell my drugs. The school was named after the Mermaid in the film Splash)

When someone plays critic and tells me what I believe in is wrong I get a little offended. Most of my offense happens because there isn’t much I believe in. I don’t have much religious faith because a man in a Jesus costume threw a cigarette into my hair when I was 5. I sort of believe in the Lochness Monster, but only because it would be an exciting day to find out some dumb animal lives in a Scotland Lake. Critics bother me when they cannot do a better job than I could do. That’s my new thing I will do. Whenever someone tells me I did a bad job, I will ask if they think they can do better. This will come in very handy if ever insulted during a sexual act. And no, saying handy was not a pun which was intended.

The weird thing about these unprofessional critics is we never know who they are. At least the pros are in the Cheers & Jeers sections on our local Internet websites. I can make a guarantee there is someone who is very critical of something I do and I will never know. Critics to me in everyday life are the same as people who are unsupportive. This is my other new thing, being unconditionally supportive of those I care about. How can you say you respect someone else’s life and not support them in what makes them happy? I get if they’re killing people in order to please some Wolf God you can be a little less supportive in their lifestyle choices. I’m talking more on hopes and dreams. How can you be critical on what career path someone wants to go down? These are usually jaded older folk who were too stupid to do anything other than deliver phone books. Screw those people. Phone books are only good for tearing in half during strong man competitions and finding high school classmate’s houses to egg.

(And such an amazing spectacle it was that nobody came to see it in the seats behind them)

I welcome critical criticism from critics. I enjoy being told when I screw up or may have missed something. It not only lets me know someone is paying attention; it lets me know someone is out there trying to make sure I get better. I take criticism as well as the next person, not very. More often than not I prefer asking for criticism before someone blurting it out because they think they know best. We’re all critics in our own way about everything. We should be. If not for critics we would never get any better. I guess the message here is to say mean things to people in order to get them to stop being so bad? That sounds about right.

  1. I take criticism only if it’s sandwiched between to compliments. haha! JK. Lily taught me that.

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    LOL Well critics make us grow but there is a right way and a wrong way. I can take constructive criticism but mean things really bother me.

  3. Can I be hypercritical with you? And more importantly, can I even spell the word hypocritical? I will let you be the judge of that… but you know what that makes you? Ha! See what I did there? You are now in a logic loop, and your cyborg brain will melt inside your chromium cabeza… (however you spell cabeza, because even though I live like 20 miles from Mexico, I can’t spell that, either)…

  4. Cafe says:

    Hey, you’re on Twitter!
    Ok so about critics… Yeah, ppl do need to (constructively) criticize in order for ppl to improve on certain things, because Lord knows some ppl are so unaware of their behaviours sometimes. Doesn’t mean you have to be mean. There’s a difference btw being mean and the truth stinging the other person’s feelings/pride. I can’t stand ppl doing shit out of pity or fear that I’m going to be hurt — I’ll take the truth over that any day. So in return, I try to do the same for others (whether they like it or not 😉

    • Mooselicker says:

      I was right, you are a mean person!

      I think we should ask people for criticism more so it’s solicited. I guess we’re all too busy thinking we’re perfect. I try to always find at least one good thing for every 10 bad things. If I manage to find 10 bad things about something though that 1 might be tough.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    Critics certainly help, constructively anyway, I’d never be as awesome as I am now without someone telling me at some point I sucked.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You suck.

      Thank me later when you take my motivational words and turn it into something great.

      P.S. I started reading your book finally. When I get further along I’ll let you know a more valid opinion.

  6. rebecca2000 says:

    Shoot I linked you to you. Here it is Guess that is what happens when you post at 3 am

  7. joehoover says:

    There’d be no point picking people to die who you would want to die, we always lose the good ones.

  8. Lily says:

    Hahaha the part about Roger Ebert being a caricature come to life is so amazing. And true. My mom once told me that after the movie Splash, everyone started to name their kids Madison. Apparently people started to name schools that as well?
    I’ve been offended too many times when I’ve had someone edit my stuff. If I ever asked my parents to edit a paper, they would change a couple of sentences and I would get so mad. ARE YOU SAYING I’M A BAD WRITER?
    Turns out yes. That’s exactly what they were saying.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I actually watched an old Siskel and Ebert from 1994 a few weeks ago (don’t ask me why unless you want a boring answer). I’m amazed he’s still alive because even then he was a mess. Even more shocking, someone actually knew the mermaid from Splash’s name!

      My mom was just as bad with my school papers. I learned early on do whateve rshe tells me and eventually she’ll enjoy doing my projects. Wouldn’t it have been great if you got a book deal based on your parents writing your papers for you?

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