The television industry term for a script that nobody cares about is “spec script.” Spec stands for speculation as in you write it completely on speculation that one day someone will come asking for it. No one ever does come ask for it. Your speculations were completely wrong. A lot of the time these scripts are written based on pre-existing television programs. This way the interns pretending to be high level executives reading these scripts don’t have to waste their time with your idea you think is completely original yet totally sucks. Today, I reveal to the public two different spec scripts I have written. They’re so incredibly not good that I’m willing to put them up on my blog and let them never get me anywhere.

Back in February I entered a writing contest. No, not this contest. I lost that one a while ago. This was another contest where I would basically get a job for a year making $50,000 (that’s about half what I’ve made in my entire life total) and have young actresses getting topless for the chance to touch my typing fingers. Well, they said they would contact the finalists by the end of August. I checked my calendar today and we’re already a few days into September. I emailed them a few times asking what gives. I’ve called them too and sent a few death threats to the judges’ homes demanding a recount. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact I am once again a loser. I did not think I would really win this contest. They wanted people who weren’t white or male or straight. You know, because every great television show in the world was created by a bicurious Japanese woman.

(“I write Big Bang Theory. You like Sheldon? I write ten joke of his.” – yeah right)

It also probably didn’t help that the main joke in my spec script centered around the N-Word. Although this contest would have me basically interning for money at a studio specializing in children’s programming, they said your scripts could still be adult oriented. What I submitted was a Modern Family episode I began writing about a year ago after watching 3 episodes of the show. It took me about 5 months to get “perfect” and off it went a week before the deadline. If you happen to be curious to read it ask me and I will send it to you (you won’t be). If you happen to be interested in any of the “original” things I have written (you REALLY won’t be) I’d be willing to let you take a gander at those as well. But for now I am only adding two things publicly because they are so incredibly out of date to the show and I would at least like someone somewhere to get some enjoyment out of the painstaking, gut-wrenching, thousands of hours I put into these works that would be better off heating the homeless.

(This family is so poor the girl on the left doesn’t even have the most up to date style of boots. I feel bad for these folks. They’re too stupid to get a $1 Megabus ticket somewhere warm)

The two episodes I present to you are from the television program Community. If you have never seen the show then well you might not understand a damn thing. If you have then you still might not understand a damn thing and if that’s the case I know what my problem is. Below are the two episodes along with a quick description for each apologizing for all the inaccuracies that have since occurred.

Community-Talent Show Final Draft WordPress

This was the first spec I wrote with success. It took me 10 tries of completely starting over again and such to finally get something I was happy with. I wrote it after only seeing the first season of the show so that’s why Shirley has a completely made up boyfriend and everything about her is probably wrong. I saw none of the third season so Omar from the Wire and John Goodman’s characters will not be found anywhere near this.

Community-End of the World WordPress (It’s really called “End of the World Survival Skills and Party Planning”)

The more I read this one the more I hate it. It connects well but it also seems like too much is happening. Plus Jeff’s character is completely off and says or behaves in ways he would normally not. For some reason he’s a complete wimp here. I think everything else is pretty accurate but again I wrote this without seeing 1/3 of the show.

Do you have anything you have worked hard at that will never get any credit? If you do, send it my way. I would like to plug it in a future blog post if you would allow me to do so. Music, art, something you’ve written, anything you desire. The only way to have something appreciated is to let as many people as you can see it. That’s the same way you find out if you suck or not.

  1. robpixaday says:

    Wooohoooo!!!!!!! I ♥ being the first commenter here! Makes me seem young and edgy and so “with it” that I don’t need to care that “with it” is an old-fashioned (a phrase that’s probably old-fashioned too) phrase.
    I’ve seen both shows in tiny bits…not enough to know whether your scripts are inaccurate or not. Will click and read them right after I post this comment. I’m eating lunch so PLEASE don’t make me laugh so hard I spit peanut butter all over my keyboard from the laughing.

    Do I have anything that will never get any credit? BWAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m 61!!! That should answer the question. I’ve got enough wonderfully-created–but-no-one-will-ever-give-a-crap-about-it-stuff to fill a warehouse. It accumulates, like dreams and mildew.
    Back later………..

    • Mooselicker says:

      You should pick some of your art for me to post. It may possibly give you one more reader which seems about as good as I can ever help people with.

      You’re only as young as you feel and you don’t act like you feel 61. Thanks for checking them out once you do. Only one other person has read either and I’m pretty sure it was a lie.

  2. robpixaday says:

    OK…both are “Community.” You said that and I blew right past it. I’ve watched more “Community” than “Modern Family” but only by minutes, so you’re still safe, accuracy-wise.


  3. I saw the bikini, and I just assumed this was going to be my wish post with all sunshine and rainbows shining out of your… eyes… but no, now I am just depressed and feeling sorry for you.

  4. Brother Jon says:

    My dad often jokes around about Jewish people and how they “killed our Lord”. That was really funny. I can totally see Pearce doing that.

  5. I just read a little and the Pierce character was right on. Anne was a bit vanilla, but some of small characters were right on.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks mate! Writing female characters is tough for me because I am an extremely manly man. I agree with you though, Annie and Britta are by far the weakest in both I posted.

      Thanks for checking them out! You’ve done more than my family ever has.

  6. Addie says:

    I’ve never seen Community, but, I do watch Modern Family and, I’ve read your book. SO, if you want to send me a copy of that script, feel free to do so!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’d rather send you something original to get your take on it.

      Drama or Comedy?

      If you selected drama: past, present, or future?

      If you selected comedy then name 5 male names and whichever you select first and I have a character in one of them I will send you….or something less complicated.

  7. Lily says:

    I’ve never actually watched community. I know who’s in it, but I’ve never given it a chance. I’ve watched Modern Family though. The stuff you write is good, I know that for sure. I hate contests like that because the people who work for these shows are obviously just looking for a certain type of thing. Why can’t the writers just do their job and figure it out? Maybe they want something fresh or something. But if they did, wouldn’t they have chosen yours?

    • Mooselicker says:

      If you’ve had a conversation with me you’ve seen Community. It’s not far off. Make as many movie references as you can in 20 minutes is both our formulas.

      I don’t think the contest bought into me having a speech impediment and being partly Jewish to sound more diverse. I should have added an “itz” to the end of my last name.

  8. I have TONS of stuff that will never get any credit. Do you have to finish them? I have a file called unfinished stories that’s chock full. I figure that leaves a little mystery to stop somewhere in the middle.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think that’s what I’m proud of myself most, I actually finish things off more. There’s nothing worse than getting 80-90% done and stalling. I must have written a million 1-2 page stories in my life. At least if they’re that short I know it was probably a bad idear.

  9. Dammit! A friend sent me a spec script a few months ago, and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why… If it was an accident… If he actually wanted me to read the thing… Now I’m even more confused. Fucking spec scripts!

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